This can't be real. Michael passed away...

He may be gone but we had an amazing life. We will be together again.

It is 2:30 in the morning. I can't sleep. I just can't stop thinking that someone has played a terrible practical joke on me. I will surely wake up in the morning to find this is all a big misunderstanding.

This afternoon Michael called me and talked to me for a few minutes. He had driven up to north Idaho to dive for golf balls with my Uncle Bob as a summer job for a couple of weeks. We were hoping he would earn enough doing this that he wouldn't have to work the after school program this year. I wanted him home at 4pm everyday instead of 6pm. I wanted him to spend more time with me and his new baby boy. He told me on the phone about how much fun he was having. He said the water was very clear and he loved reaching zero buoyancy because it felt like flying. The fish would swim right up to him and check out what he was doing. He was working very hard and he said it was very hot in his dry suit. We joked around about how the golf course was very ritzy and he didn't feel like he could go to take a rest stop because he was in sweaty clothes. He told me he had come back up because he used up his first tank of air and something was wrong with the second tank. He thought it was missing an 0 ring. Bob showed up to help him fix it. He told me that he loved me and would call me later. I told him I loved him too and to have a great time...

I went for a walk with Little E to my friend Tasha's house after her nap time. When I came home to start dinner my brother knocked on the door. Something was very wrong. I thought maybe Alan had been in an accident or grandma had passed away. I was on the phone with my little sister and he told her we would call her right back. Then he told me the worst news I have ever heard in my life. Michael was in an accident. He never came back up. They pulled him out of the water and took him to the hospital but he never woke up. He was called back to our heavenly father.

I just keep thinking of our last morning together. We were getting him ready to drive up to north Idaho. I made him a special breakfast of scrabbled eggs with all the fixings. Sausage, green pepper, fresh tomatoes from the garden. He ate one of the tomatoes raw and talked about how much better they tasted that way. While he got all of his stuff together Little E and I picked him a handful of our raspberries that are just coming on. She ate most of them but we did manage to get him a few as a special treat.

We took a family shower together. Little E loves taking showers with Mommy and Daddy. She enjoys taking turns snuggling us under the water and laughs when we use the "tickle soap", a homemade soap her grandma made us that has lavender pieces in it. It tickles her when we use it. Since Michael was going to be gone for 3 weeks I really wanted her to let him know she loved him. So I got her to tell him "I love you" over and over in the shower accompanied by a sweet kiss on the lips. She really adores her daddy. She woke up last night in the middle of the night because she had wet the bed (we are not worrying about night time training anymore. I can't do it now.) She came out and kept looking for him in our bed. She wanted to kiss daddy awake. I kept telling her daddy wasn't home but she wanted him anyways. She loves him so much.

We got dressed and went outside to see him off. He opened the garage door and pulled me in close for a wonderful tight hug and a very loving long kiss. He told me he loved me and wanted me to be careful while he was gone. He didn't want me to do something silly like lift heavy things while being so pregnant. I told him to be careful too and to be sure and eat and take good care of himself. He promised me he would. He got into the car and Little E wanted to sit on his lap in the drivers seat and play with the steering wheel. He let her for a minute and told her to be a good girl for mommy. Then he gave us both one more hug and kiss and drove away. I ran from the driveway around the corner to watch him drive until he was out of sight. It is a habit I have had since I was a little girl. I am so glad I did. Little waved after him and kept saying, "Love you daddy! Bye!"

I miss him so much already. But I still can't beleive he is really gone. There has to be some sort of mistake because things like this just don't happen. They just don't! He was young and healthy and we are having a baby boy in 2 months. The son he was so sure we would never have because he knew we were going to have all girls. I now know this little boys name. I could't make myself think of a name for this whole pregnancy. I just felt like it wasn't the time to worry about that. Now I know that his name is Michael.

I can't write anymore right now. I am crying to hard and my head hurts. Its hard to see the screen. But I wanted to record our last morning in as much detail as I could remember. While it was playing in my head.

I love you Michael. I know we will be together as a family again. We have been sealed in the temple and that is the most comforting thought I have right now. I love you. I miss you. Please call me and tell me this isn't real... that its a mistake... Please... please...