Dear Michael,
I have been having a hard time the past few days. It feels like I just can't handle my reality as well as I normally can. I am fine during the times that the kids are up or that I am busy with other people, but during the evening hours it has gotten hard again. I feel like I just don't have the energy to handle thoughts that keep circling in my head. I don't want to, so instead I turn on Scrubs and try not to think. I don't get much done once the kids are asleep, but I think that is ok. I have been through this cycle before. Soon I will have a good breakdown and feel better and more motivated again. I have had a couple of hard moments lately. But not a full blown breakdown for a couple of weeks. I can feel it coming, and I oddly look forward to the release. Weird huh? But I guess I am just learning what my method of dealing is right now.
I had a kind of hard time this week for a few different reasons. One reason was that I have been listening to your Ipod while driving in the car. It has brought up all kinds of memories and emotions that I usually am able to keep buried. Memories of you singing The Cures "doing the unstuck" in the kitchen while dancing with Little E and I after diner. So many wonderful times where we were just sitting in the car laughing and talking while we drove to the store or went on a date. It has been really hard but something I have enjoyed at the same time. I had an entire day of driving on Tuesday because I went to Logan and back to save that dog from being put down. I know it was dumb, but I just couldn't face having his death on my conscience. It would have been too much on top of everything else... So I spent the day in the car listening to your music and thinking of you. I have such a hard time when I realize how long I have to go before I get to actually have a two way conversation with you again. It spend so much time thinking of what I would say to you or writing to you... never getting a response. It really really stinks. But I know that it will get easier. I have already seen that. This journey is just one made up of many ups and downs and I am not sure if it will ever really end until my life is finally done and I feel your warm arms around me. In fact I am pretty sure it won't. Its the nature of the beast I guess.
Wednesday was pretty hard too. I went to swing night hoping for a distraction. It was fun, but I felt pretty awkward again because it was a new semester so there was a lot of getting to know you questions that I am still not comfortable with. I feel like I have to lie in a way because I don't want every person I dance with to know that I am a mother of 2 and a widow at age 24. So I answer with as little info as possible and hope that they will let me switch the conversation to being about them quickly. Anyways, I finally got over my awkwardness for the most part and was feeling pretty good. Then I danced with a guy who asked me what I did right as the next song started. It was our wedding song "A wink and a smile". I blanked and said "actually I am a stay at home mom." then he asked if I was married and I said "I'm a widow and I have to go, this is my wedding song..." and ran out of the room crying. I sobbed in the hallway through the whole song. I felt so stupid and wondered why I even bother leaving the house when I am obviously not really fitting in anywhere. I don't really fit in with the single people or the married people. I don't even fit in with those who have been divorced. I pretty much feel awkward everywhere I go. Hopefully I can get past that but for now it just makes it hard to want do anything but sit around at home and watch my stupid show.
Well, after I got control of myself I went back in and apologized to the guy for running out on him like that. He told me not to worry about it and that I am an amazing person and gave me a hug. It was sweet but I sure don't feel like an amazing person. I feel like I am just struggling to make it through the days.
I do have to admit, I wondered for a minute if that song playing was your doing. He was pretty much the nicest looking guy there that night. I wondered if it was your way of saying "No liking anyone but me Jenny!" The thought made me laugh.
Thursday was hard too. I went to a CPR class and just listening to the process was hard. He talked about drownings and what you would have to do and I couldn't help but imagine what the scene was like by the water when they pulled you up, or on the way to the hospital. I still don't know much about what happened that day. I mostly try to block out any questions or thoughts I have about it because they don't do any good. I don't ever get any answers. So why torture myself? What's the point? But I am glad I went to the class. It is nice to know that if someone needed help I have some knowledge and might just be able to help keep their family from going through the things we are.
Well, writing all of this down has been about all the thoughts that I can handle tonight, so back to my mindless episodes of Scrubs. Hopefully they can help me make it through until its late enough to fall asleep. I love you honey. I miss you more than words can express. We will get there, one day at a time.
Love,
Jenny
Ps. I just wanted to write down the reason that we picked our wedding song. I had forgotten until I read through my journal. It was the song you sang on the lake shore to me while we danced in the light of the setting sun just before we had our first kiss. What a wonderful summer that was. It was magical. I loved dancing with you while you sang to me...
I have to say my favorite part of this song is when he says "Its the perfect day for making out" and "rip zip and bop and bop and kiss her well" because of the way you always sang it to me. You made me laugh every time! You also always ran a finger down your face while singing "everything that makes you cry". And you would blow a kiss at the end. Oh this song is just so full of you! I love it. I wish I could see you dance to it just one more time. But I guess that is what memories are for.
(Added a couple new songs to the play list. Live like were dying-Kris Allen, Wink and a smile-Harry Connick Jr., World spins madly on-Weepies.)
Friday, April 29, 2011
Happy Christmas Eve Again!
Yup, it snowed 2 inches today... Little E told me it was Christmas Eve when she woke up and saw it. I am thinking about buying some presents and wrapping them just for the heck of it. lol It reminds me why I still have the studs on my Honda when its almost May... Cause you never know in Idaho!
This reminds me of a video text you sent your sister once about how it was snowing in May. I just got a cord that will upload things to the computer from your phone. I hope I can figure out how to do it so I can save all those fun photo's and videos. You were so funny with that phone.
Little E saw me take this with Photo Booth and she wanted to take this picture and then look at the picture of you with two heads. She loves that photo of you and her! It makes her laugh so hard. She had a great time playing with you and the computer. :)
Love you!
Jenny
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| July 21, 2010 |
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| Taken today. :) |
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Happy Easter, and our adventures in the ER
Dear Michael,
A lot has happened in the last week. Little E's cousin moved to California this last Monday for the summer. We are sure going to miss her and her whole family. But I look forward to them coming back in the fall. Little E and Princess will hopefully get to be in the same Preschool class. Can you beleive she is going to start preschool? Time sure does fly! Anyways, we had a busy week while my Mom was down in California helping them all settle in.
Monday we went to FHE with the singles ward. I wanted to just check it out and see if there was anyone I knew and it seemed like a good week to try it. They were doing a service project and cleaning out a local cemetery. So we went and helped. It was sooooo windy! But Little E saw where we were and said "look mom, its Daddy's place!" and got all excited. I had to explain that it was a different place and we could visit "daddy's place" after. She then thought that it was a "dying place" and I had to expain that it was where we bury people who died, but they didn't actually die there. I think it was all a little confusing to her. Anyways, we went to visit you after and she was pretty excited to lay a little rock and seed case on your grave. She changed her mind about the rock and brought it home after but it was still cute to see her giving it to you.
I think she has been having a hard time lately. She threw a fit yesterday when I talked about dying the eggs. I tried to explain that I meant "color" the eggs but she just cried harder. I finally said, "Why are you crying?" and she sobbed "because my daddy died!" She used to use that as a tool to try to manipulate me, but I could tell when she was faking it. This was definitely not a fake. She really does miss you honey. I don't know why its been so hard for her lately, maybe its playing outside so much because she remembers doing all these things with you? I know spring coming was hard for me because of that. Maybe she is the same way?
Anyways, back to our busy week...
Tuesday we got to go swimming in the hotel that you and I stayed at for our honeymoon. It was so much fun. Little E had a great time, especially in the hot tub because she was tall enough to touch the bottom and walk around in it. It wasn't too hot for her so that was a nice place for her to play (while being very closely supervised.) Little M got to wear his new swimming suit Nana bought for him. I thought he was pretty styling. :) Afterward we drove through BK and I tried their new cowboy kind of dollar burger. The whole time I ate it I couldn't stop thinking "Michael would have loved this! I would have bought it as a surprise lunch for him sometime at work with a great big root bear..." Sometimes the little things are the hardest you know?
Wednesday morning I decided to just hop in the car and visit your sister. We drove down to see her and had a great time making cookies, watching her oldest run in a track meet, and enjoying an episode of psych together. It was so much fun to just hang out with her and enjoy each others kids. She hadn't see us since October I think. I wanted to to get to spend time with Little M before he started crawling everywhere and got to be totally uncontrollable. ;) Plus they were getting ready to list the house and I wanted to visit before they move. We did have a crazy thing happen on Wednesday night. Little E had a run in with the "corner of doom." I asked her to go get in the bathroom so we could give her a bath and she tripped over a baby doll I think and hit her head on the baseboard. It cut her head open and ran into the kitchen with her head covered in blood. I couldn't beleive how much she was bleeding. I put her on the sink and got a towel from Jen to help stop the bleeding and then we took her to the ER to see if she needed stitches. Her neighbor was the doctor on call and he told us we just needed to super glue it instead. Little E was so brave. After the initial shock she calmed down a lot and just wanted a green sucker because she was visiting the doctor and she always gets a green sucker at the doctors. She did get upset when she saw blood on my hand. She started crying again when I tried to wash her up and when they put the numbing stuff on her. However, she was pretty good for the whole gluing process. She still cried but continued to carry on a conversation about all kinds of things like favorite colors. She was amazing. You must have been so proud of her, I know I was. She has left the injury alone for the most part, but tonight after I put her to bed she peeled all the glue off, so I had to use a butterfly bandage on it instead. Hopefully she will leave that alone for a while. But it looked like it was healing nicely and it going to be ok, after all it has been a half a week now.
Thursday was a day filled with making cookies, the drive home, visiting teaching appointments, and a play date with her cousin G. We didn't have much time for anything else, but it was a busy day just with that much to do.
Friday we actually went to the store, all three of us! I was very proud of myself. We made it through the whole trip without a single meltdown or me forgetting something on our list. It was a miracle. :)
Saturday we went down to the Baby convention and participated in the "great cloth diaper change." Basically we were part of a world wide cloth diaper change for the Guinness book of world records. They had to have 25 people participate. I thought little E would be too tall to participate (over 39 inches) but she was just under the mark and saved the day because they needed every one there to make it count. We even grabbed a friend off the sidelines at the very end to make sure there was enough. It was kind of fun and I hope to buy the book for them both and put a picture of them participating in it for them to laugh at someday. You know, for bragging rights when they start dating in the future right? "Did you know I am in the Guinness book of world records? Yah, my mom changed me into a cloth diaper along with thousands of other moms at the same time. Pretty cool right? Wanna be my girlfriend?" lol Or maybe not.
Little E had a fun time watching all of the girl dancers doing their performance and also enjoyed jumping on the little mini trampoline. We all had a pretty good time considering we were tired from our busy week and flying without a copilot (my Mom couldn't go with us). I was pretty proud of us after I got home and realized we had made it through two outings in a row without a major fit/mishap happening. I hope we can keep it up. Maybe things are going to start getting easier for a while. Little E has sure become a helpful little girl and Little M is still his sweet easygoing self. Hopefully we can keep this up through our big trip this summer.
Sunday we had a wonderful time at church. Little E really enjoyed learning about the Easter story and how Jesus came back to life. She also loved her Easter basket and "Easter treats". This year she got 1 cad bury egg, 2 marshmallows, a few jellybeans, and a basket full of animal cracker and goldfish filled eggs. She also got a new pair of gardening gloves to help me plant flowers and a little bunny toy. After church we went to Nana's for nap time and a family get together. She had a great time on the Easter egg hunt and a bike ride with her cousin G. Little M enjoyed flirting with Grandma "Fishy" who loved his new Easter suit. However, he was more cranky than normal and wasn't napping well. Papa looked at him for a second and said "is he getting a new tooth on the right side?" Sure enough he is cutting his first tooth on the bottom right side. Leave it to Mr. Observant to be the one to notice it. What an amazing grandpa. He caught it before me, and I am nursing the kid! Little M felt a lot better after he got a little Tylenol and a nice walk outside to calm him down. All in all it was a beautiful Easter that helped me remember that all of the promises we have been given are thanks to the original beautiful Easter Sunday. Thank goodness I have a savior who made it possible for us to live together forever. No matter how long in the future that is, I can always look forward to it. :) (Sorry, no pictures of Easter tonight. I need to upload them first. Hopefully I can get them up before a month goes by...)
Sorry for the novel, but like I said it was a busy week. I love you and wish you could have been there to help me hide the eggs and teach Little E to ride her bike. But I am sure you are teaching us all even more important things. Thank you for all you do, even if I don't get to know exactly what it is.
Happy Easter honey!
Love,
Jenny
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| Cousins playing in Little E's "dog house" together Mon. |
Monday we went to FHE with the singles ward. I wanted to just check it out and see if there was anyone I knew and it seemed like a good week to try it. They were doing a service project and cleaning out a local cemetery. So we went and helped. It was sooooo windy! But Little E saw where we were and said "look mom, its Daddy's place!" and got all excited. I had to explain that it was a different place and we could visit "daddy's place" after. She then thought that it was a "dying place" and I had to expain that it was where we bury people who died, but they didn't actually die there. I think it was all a little confusing to her. Anyways, we went to visit you after and she was pretty excited to lay a little rock and seed case on your grave. She changed her mind about the rock and brought it home after but it was still cute to see her giving it to you.
I think she has been having a hard time lately. She threw a fit yesterday when I talked about dying the eggs. I tried to explain that I meant "color" the eggs but she just cried harder. I finally said, "Why are you crying?" and she sobbed "because my daddy died!" She used to use that as a tool to try to manipulate me, but I could tell when she was faking it. This was definitely not a fake. She really does miss you honey. I don't know why its been so hard for her lately, maybe its playing outside so much because she remembers doing all these things with you? I know spring coming was hard for me because of that. Maybe she is the same way?
Anyways, back to our busy week...
Tuesday we got to go swimming in the hotel that you and I stayed at for our honeymoon. It was so much fun. Little E had a great time, especially in the hot tub because she was tall enough to touch the bottom and walk around in it. It wasn't too hot for her so that was a nice place for her to play (while being very closely supervised.) Little M got to wear his new swimming suit Nana bought for him. I thought he was pretty styling. :) Afterward we drove through BK and I tried their new cowboy kind of dollar burger. The whole time I ate it I couldn't stop thinking "Michael would have loved this! I would have bought it as a surprise lunch for him sometime at work with a great big root bear..." Sometimes the little things are the hardest you know?
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| Check out my new swim trunks! I am such a stud. :) |
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| Little E had a lot of fun in that tube and Little M just wanted to eat anything within reach. |
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| Hangin with Aunt Jen |
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| She hit the corner on the left. |
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| The corner of DOOM!!! |
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| Pretty ouchy huh? It hurt me just looking at it. But she was a trooper and seems to be fine. What a strong little girl. |
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| The cookie she made (while tasting all the frosting after I told her not to double dip. lol) |
Saturday we went down to the Baby convention and participated in the "great cloth diaper change." Basically we were part of a world wide cloth diaper change for the Guinness book of world records. They had to have 25 people participate. I thought little E would be too tall to participate (over 39 inches) but she was just under the mark and saved the day because they needed every one there to make it count. We even grabbed a friend off the sidelines at the very end to make sure there was enough. It was kind of fun and I hope to buy the book for them both and put a picture of them participating in it for them to laugh at someday. You know, for bragging rights when they start dating in the future right? "Did you know I am in the Guinness book of world records? Yah, my mom changed me into a cloth diaper along with thousands of other moms at the same time. Pretty cool right? Wanna be my girlfriend?" lol Or maybe not.
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| Right by where we did the "great cloth diaper change". I love that stroller. It made the whole outing possible! :) |
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| Little E was mesmerized by these dancers. |
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| I couldn't beleive how high they got. It was crazy, they were like little monkeys! |
Sorry for the novel, but like I said it was a busy week. I love you and wish you could have been there to help me hide the eggs and teach Little E to ride her bike. But I am sure you are teaching us all even more important things. Thank you for all you do, even if I don't get to know exactly what it is.
Happy Easter honey!
Love,
Jenny
Dog found in need of a home.
Dear Readers,
I was hoping you could help me out today. While I was visiting someone in Preston, ID this sweet dog wandered onto their property. (2-3 year old Husky?) We turned him over to the police in hopes that his family would find him. He hasn't been claimed and will be put down on Monday afternoon if he isn't returned to them or adopted. I am trying all the avenues I can to find his owners or a new home. If someone wanted to adopt him they would need to pay to have him fixed and vaccinated for rabies. He is very sweet (came when I called him) and knew how to sit (although he got to excited to stay that way long). He is very very strong so he would need to go to someone who could handle that. Please spread the word for me. See if we can find him a new home or his original loving family. Thank you so much and Happy Easter!
Jenny
I was hoping you could help me out today. While I was visiting someone in Preston, ID this sweet dog wandered onto their property. (2-3 year old Husky?) We turned him over to the police in hopes that his family would find him. He hasn't been claimed and will be put down on Monday afternoon if he isn't returned to them or adopted. I am trying all the avenues I can to find his owners or a new home. If someone wanted to adopt him they would need to pay to have him fixed and vaccinated for rabies. He is very sweet (came when I called him) and knew how to sit (although he got to excited to stay that way long). He is very very strong so he would need to go to someone who could handle that. Please spread the word for me. See if we can find him a new home or his original loving family. Thank you so much and Happy Easter!
Jenny
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| Not the best picture, but it was the only one I had. :) |
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
The Baby Carrot Died.
Dear Michael,
Little E and I are both still learning to cope with losing you. We grieve in our own ways. I tend to push it off for a time, then break down every couple of weeks. I also have become a little OCD. I have little rituals that help me through times that would have been spent with you. They tend to center around using something up. For example, every night I use some lotion to rub my hands and feet, but what I am really trying to do is use up the lotion. I could care less about making my hands soft. Weird I know, but its something I am in control of, and it makes me happy. I do the same thing with food. I try to eat specific things so I use it all up. I get too much pleasure out of throwing something away when its empty.
Anyways, this post is supposed to be about our sweet girl and how she is coping. Sunday night was very much like every other night. She went to bed well. Little M slept pretty well that night, and I thought I was in for a very normal evening. But at about 5:30 am Little E woke up hysterical. I ran into her room (stepping on poor trek on the way) and asked her what was wrong. She just cried harder. So I picked her up and held her while rocking her and kept asking what was the matter. Finally she told me "The baby carrot DIED!!!" and broke into more sobs. I have almost never seen her so worked up. I kept asking her what baby carrot and she told me it was on my computer. I have no idea what she was talking about. It must have been something in her dream, but what was truly heart breaking was the level of grief that she knew how to feel at such a young age. She truly knows what the word dead means. It isn't some unknown concept that she uses without thinking. She had a depth to those tears that no 2 year old should. It was almost too much for me. Finally, after she had been crying for a minute without me being able to calm her down, Trek came to the rescue. He loves her so much and gets truly concerned when she is upset. (He does that for all of us.) So he "knocked" on the door like you taught him to open in and came running in to lie next to her bed and watch over her. Little E started laughing and said "Trek opened the door! He wanted to be by me." I told her he loved her a lot and he could stay by her bed for the rest of the night to keep her safe. She was willing to snuggle into bed after that and slept soundly until morning. However, she did remember the dream in the morning and told about it again after breakfast.
Later that day we helped to clean up a Cemetary for FHE. She saw it as we pulled in and said "It's Daddy's Place!" and I explained that it was like daddy's place but not the same one. She then talked about all the people who had died and would wake up someday like the little girl. (I told her the story about Jesus raising the little girl from the dead and she has talked about it a lot since.) She even wanted to see the little girls gravestone. I had to explain that had been a long ways away. She is a little confused about cemeteries. She seems to think that is where the people died. She calls it a dying place sometimes. I am trying to help her understand. Someday I am sure she will get it. But she really does love to visit your "daddy place". After we cleaned up the other one she really wanted to see yours. So we went out for a short visit for the first time since last fall. I have visited but its been too cold for the kids. She put a little rock and a seed case that rattles on your grave. She recognized it even though it has been since November that she saw it. It amazes me the memory she has. She is truly a special girl. I hope that she can learn from this experience without have to grow up too quickly. I hope she won't have too much grief in her life. I don't think she will, but moments like that nightmare remind me that there is a lot going on beneath the surface that I don't know about. I hope I can help her through this. I hope you are able to do what I can't for her. Please take care of her and help her to have wonderful happy dreams. Help her to be happy.
Love,
Jenny
Little E and I are both still learning to cope with losing you. We grieve in our own ways. I tend to push it off for a time, then break down every couple of weeks. I also have become a little OCD. I have little rituals that help me through times that would have been spent with you. They tend to center around using something up. For example, every night I use some lotion to rub my hands and feet, but what I am really trying to do is use up the lotion. I could care less about making my hands soft. Weird I know, but its something I am in control of, and it makes me happy. I do the same thing with food. I try to eat specific things so I use it all up. I get too much pleasure out of throwing something away when its empty.
Anyways, this post is supposed to be about our sweet girl and how she is coping. Sunday night was very much like every other night. She went to bed well. Little M slept pretty well that night, and I thought I was in for a very normal evening. But at about 5:30 am Little E woke up hysterical. I ran into her room (stepping on poor trek on the way) and asked her what was wrong. She just cried harder. So I picked her up and held her while rocking her and kept asking what was the matter. Finally she told me "The baby carrot DIED!!!" and broke into more sobs. I have almost never seen her so worked up. I kept asking her what baby carrot and she told me it was on my computer. I have no idea what she was talking about. It must have been something in her dream, but what was truly heart breaking was the level of grief that she knew how to feel at such a young age. She truly knows what the word dead means. It isn't some unknown concept that she uses without thinking. She had a depth to those tears that no 2 year old should. It was almost too much for me. Finally, after she had been crying for a minute without me being able to calm her down, Trek came to the rescue. He loves her so much and gets truly concerned when she is upset. (He does that for all of us.) So he "knocked" on the door like you taught him to open in and came running in to lie next to her bed and watch over her. Little E started laughing and said "Trek opened the door! He wanted to be by me." I told her he loved her a lot and he could stay by her bed for the rest of the night to keep her safe. She was willing to snuggle into bed after that and slept soundly until morning. However, she did remember the dream in the morning and told about it again after breakfast.
Later that day we helped to clean up a Cemetary for FHE. She saw it as we pulled in and said "It's Daddy's Place!" and I explained that it was like daddy's place but not the same one. She then talked about all the people who had died and would wake up someday like the little girl. (I told her the story about Jesus raising the little girl from the dead and she has talked about it a lot since.) She even wanted to see the little girls gravestone. I had to explain that had been a long ways away. She is a little confused about cemeteries. She seems to think that is where the people died. She calls it a dying place sometimes. I am trying to help her understand. Someday I am sure she will get it. But she really does love to visit your "daddy place". After we cleaned up the other one she really wanted to see yours. So we went out for a short visit for the first time since last fall. I have visited but its been too cold for the kids. She put a little rock and a seed case that rattles on your grave. She recognized it even though it has been since November that she saw it. It amazes me the memory she has. She is truly a special girl. I hope that she can learn from this experience without have to grow up too quickly. I hope she won't have too much grief in her life. I don't think she will, but moments like that nightmare remind me that there is a lot going on beneath the surface that I don't know about. I hope I can help her through this. I hope you are able to do what I can't for her. Please take care of her and help her to have wonderful happy dreams. Help her to be happy.
Love,
Jenny
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| What gets me out of bed every morning. I love this little girl! |
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| Little E wanted me to take a picture of her eating her cinnamon toast. He current favorite breakfast. 4-10-11 |
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Baby Steps...
Dear Michael,
I just added some new songs to the playlist on our blog. I know I said I was going to do that back in January but I just couldn't do it. Partly I couldn't change something you had put together. It was still so full of US and I didn't want to do anything that might take the U out of US. Also, it required learning how to do something that I just didn't know much about. I had messed with it a little bit, but the energy required to learn how was just energy I didn't have. (I still don't know anything about Itunes either. I haven't updated an Ipod ever, and that hasn't changed since you left. Someday I will have to face that too...)
But these songs have some lyrics that have really fit and touched me during this trial. Not all of the lyrics mind you. Some of the songs are breakup songs, and I definitely still love you and am not really moving on yet, but parts of the songs have really hit home. So I finally decided to put a little more me here. For a while there I couldn't listen to any music, then I could only listen to music that was from my highschool days, and now I can appreciate all of our music along with the new songs that I find. This is a definite improvement that I can really see in my life. I think it shows that I am healing a little. Baby steps right? Baby steps...
Love,
Jenny
Songs Added:
The Script: Break Even
Fleetwood Mac: Landslide
Colin Hay: Waiting for my real life to begin
Rob Thomas: Someday
Leona Lewis: Better in Time
I just added some new songs to the playlist on our blog. I know I said I was going to do that back in January but I just couldn't do it. Partly I couldn't change something you had put together. It was still so full of US and I didn't want to do anything that might take the U out of US. Also, it required learning how to do something that I just didn't know much about. I had messed with it a little bit, but the energy required to learn how was just energy I didn't have. (I still don't know anything about Itunes either. I haven't updated an Ipod ever, and that hasn't changed since you left. Someday I will have to face that too...)
But these songs have some lyrics that have really fit and touched me during this trial. Not all of the lyrics mind you. Some of the songs are breakup songs, and I definitely still love you and am not really moving on yet, but parts of the songs have really hit home. So I finally decided to put a little more me here. For a while there I couldn't listen to any music, then I could only listen to music that was from my highschool days, and now I can appreciate all of our music along with the new songs that I find. This is a definite improvement that I can really see in my life. I think it shows that I am healing a little. Baby steps right? Baby steps...
Love,
Jenny
Songs Added:
The Script: Break Even
Fleetwood Mac: Landslide
Colin Hay: Waiting for my real life to begin
Rob Thomas: Someday
Leona Lewis: Better in Time
Friday, April 15, 2011
I'm waiting for my real life to begin...
Dear Michael,
I was laying in bed trying to take a nap while the kids were both sleeping and I just couldn't fall asleep. I tossed and turned and my brain just wouldn't shut off. I was thinking about how things have changed, how they might be someday, and how they used to be. It amazes me that I have made it so long without you. It amazes me that in some ways you are becoming a memory instead of a reality to me. I don't like that at all. It is hard for me to think of how things would be because so much has changed. The life I am living now is so utterly different from what my life was like before... with you. For example, I get the children in bed at night and can go from 7:00 pm to 7:00 am without saying a single word. I go about my work, or watch a show, or just sit and think in silence. I truly miss our conversations. I miss those evening hours with you. They were so wonderful.
One thing that I can't stop thinking about is how my life might change someday. I wonder who I might end up with. I wonder if I will just learn to be fine on my own. Really I just wonder how God will make this ok. I have been promised that. I just must lack imagination because I can't comprehend how it can be. Its not like I am terribly depressed right now. I just wonder how it will all work. I just feel like I am living in limbo, kind of like right after graduation. Not knowing what I am going to be doing in the future. I know I will be a mother to our wonderful children, but beyond that there are so many many questions.
Lately I have been watching scrubs in those lonely evening hours to try to pass the time, and have a few laughs. A lot of the episodes remind me of the fun we had watching them together after we borrowed the series from Lori. We loved them and had so many favorite moments. The other night I watched an episode where they played the song "waiting for my real life to begin." by Colin Hay. I remember you and I really liking that scene the first time we saw it. Scrubs turned us onto Colin Hay and you added his music to our blog play list shortly after. You especially loved this scene. Our favorite parts were in the closet and the last part where Cox smashes the guitar. There are a few of his songs that really have touched me through this experience.
Lori actually told me about that song right after you passed away and said it had always reminded her of you. I know you have finally found peace and a wonderful reality, now its my turn to wait. I am trying to remember that "there is a plan" and to "let the light shine in." Most of the time I am really content with my wonderful life. For I really am blessed with what I have. I just look forward to having answers someday. Until then I am trying to be patient and to grow as a person and learn what I am supposed to from this challenge. I sometimes have to remind myself that this is my real life too. I can't just wait around for someday. I have to live in the now while I dream of the future.
I love you, maybe now that I got these ramblings out I will be able to "get to sleep." :)
Jenny
WAITING FOR MY REAL LIFE TO BEGIN
Album : "Going Somewhere"
written by: Colin Hay
Any minute now, my ship is coming in
I'll keep checking the horizon
I'll stand on the bow, feel the waves come crashing
Come crashing down down down, on me
And you say, be still my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in
But don't you understand
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin
When I awoke today, suddenly nothing happened
But in my dreams, I slew the dragon
And down this beaten path, and up this cobbled lane
I'm walking in my old footsteps, once again
And you say, just be here now
Forget about the past, your mask is wearing thin
Let me throw one more dice
I know that I can win
I'm waiting for my real life to begin
Any minute now, my ship is coming in
I’ll keep checking the horizon
And I'll check my machine, there's sure to be that call
It's gonna happen soon, soon, soon
It's just that times are lean
And you say, be still my love
Open up your heart, let the light shine in
Don't you understand
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin
I was laying in bed trying to take a nap while the kids were both sleeping and I just couldn't fall asleep. I tossed and turned and my brain just wouldn't shut off. I was thinking about how things have changed, how they might be someday, and how they used to be. It amazes me that I have made it so long without you. It amazes me that in some ways you are becoming a memory instead of a reality to me. I don't like that at all. It is hard for me to think of how things would be because so much has changed. The life I am living now is so utterly different from what my life was like before... with you. For example, I get the children in bed at night and can go from 7:00 pm to 7:00 am without saying a single word. I go about my work, or watch a show, or just sit and think in silence. I truly miss our conversations. I miss those evening hours with you. They were so wonderful.
One thing that I can't stop thinking about is how my life might change someday. I wonder who I might end up with. I wonder if I will just learn to be fine on my own. Really I just wonder how God will make this ok. I have been promised that. I just must lack imagination because I can't comprehend how it can be. Its not like I am terribly depressed right now. I just wonder how it will all work. I just feel like I am living in limbo, kind of like right after graduation. Not knowing what I am going to be doing in the future. I know I will be a mother to our wonderful children, but beyond that there are so many many questions.
Lately I have been watching scrubs in those lonely evening hours to try to pass the time, and have a few laughs. A lot of the episodes remind me of the fun we had watching them together after we borrowed the series from Lori. We loved them and had so many favorite moments. The other night I watched an episode where they played the song "waiting for my real life to begin." by Colin Hay. I remember you and I really liking that scene the first time we saw it. Scrubs turned us onto Colin Hay and you added his music to our blog play list shortly after. You especially loved this scene. Our favorite parts were in the closet and the last part where Cox smashes the guitar. There are a few of his songs that really have touched me through this experience.
Lori actually told me about that song right after you passed away and said it had always reminded her of you. I know you have finally found peace and a wonderful reality, now its my turn to wait. I am trying to remember that "there is a plan" and to "let the light shine in." Most of the time I am really content with my wonderful life. For I really am blessed with what I have. I just look forward to having answers someday. Until then I am trying to be patient and to grow as a person and learn what I am supposed to from this challenge. I sometimes have to remind myself that this is my real life too. I can't just wait around for someday. I have to live in the now while I dream of the future.
I love you, maybe now that I got these ramblings out I will be able to "get to sleep." :)
Jenny
WAITING FOR MY REAL LIFE TO BEGIN
Album : "Going Somewhere"
written by: Colin Hay
Any minute now, my ship is coming in
I'll keep checking the horizon
I'll stand on the bow, feel the waves come crashing
Come crashing down down down, on me
And you say, be still my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in
But don't you understand
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin
When I awoke today, suddenly nothing happened
But in my dreams, I slew the dragon
And down this beaten path, and up this cobbled lane
I'm walking in my old footsteps, once again
And you say, just be here now
Forget about the past, your mask is wearing thin
Let me throw one more dice
I know that I can win
I'm waiting for my real life to begin
Any minute now, my ship is coming in
I’ll keep checking the horizon
And I'll check my machine, there's sure to be that call
It's gonna happen soon, soon, soon
It's just that times are lean
And you say, be still my love
Open up your heart, let the light shine in
Don't you understand
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Little E's bedtime snack conversation and a late Happy St. Patricks Day!
Dear Michael,
Tonight I finally went out to the garage and cleaned off your work bench. I found all the stencils you used to paint our house number on the curb. You had planned on doing that for a little summer income but then decided to do the job scuba diving. Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if we had made that choice differently. Would you still be here? I usually decide you wouldn't, I would have just lost you some other way (probably a car accident or something.) It just seems like it really must have been your time to go or things wouldn't have happened that way. Anyways, it was good to finally clean that area out. That was another very tough job for me because it was so totally your domain. But I am glad to have some space to work on some of my current projects, and to know what tools are available to me. I still need to do more organizing out there, but at least I have a workbench to use now. I also finally cleaned all of your gloves, hats, and scarves out of the coat closet. Man did you have a lot of winter gear. :) Most of them have very fond memories for me of you playing in the snow with Little E or snow shoveling the driveway, or that horrible winter camping trip we tried during our first year of marriage. I especially love your french fry hat. You wore that one all the time!
Well, I was doing all of the stuff out in the garage after I had put the kids to bed. Then I came in to check on them and Little E was still up and playing in her room. She told me she wanted a bedtime snack and I decided that was ok since she didn't have much of an apatite at dinner. (She is sick with an ear infection and a cough that was "possibly croup" according to the doctor. I think the antibiotics will help but I just wanted her to get some more food and liquids in her system for the night.) So I gave her some banana bread for a snack. She really wanted to back banana bread with me today. She has figured out that when the bananas get brown its time to make banana bread! (They almost never get eaten before then because you aren't here to make milkshakes in the morning with them.) So we had fresh banana bread for a bedtime snack accompanied by wonderful little chattering from Little E. Part of the conversation was so sweet and tender that I really wanted to share it with you and record it for her in the future.
She was sitting at the table and I was washing the bread pan. She looked at me and said. "Mom that was such a fun walk with my cousins. With Sarah and Josh and Nate and Abby. And my Daddy. I really love my Daddy. But my Daddy really died. But it's not sad. Its just happy. His spirit is right here even if we can't see it." Oh how wise my little girl is before she has even reached her third birthday. She really does love you honey. I know she misses you so much, but her example often helps me make it through the days that are the hardest. Thank you so much for the gift you gave me of 2 beautiful wonderful children! I love them more than words can express. I know you do too.
Love,
Jenny
Tonight I finally went out to the garage and cleaned off your work bench. I found all the stencils you used to paint our house number on the curb. You had planned on doing that for a little summer income but then decided to do the job scuba diving. Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if we had made that choice differently. Would you still be here? I usually decide you wouldn't, I would have just lost you some other way (probably a car accident or something.) It just seems like it really must have been your time to go or things wouldn't have happened that way. Anyways, it was good to finally clean that area out. That was another very tough job for me because it was so totally your domain. But I am glad to have some space to work on some of my current projects, and to know what tools are available to me. I still need to do more organizing out there, but at least I have a workbench to use now. I also finally cleaned all of your gloves, hats, and scarves out of the coat closet. Man did you have a lot of winter gear. :) Most of them have very fond memories for me of you playing in the snow with Little E or snow shoveling the driveway, or that horrible winter camping trip we tried during our first year of marriage. I especially love your french fry hat. You wore that one all the time!
Well, I was doing all of the stuff out in the garage after I had put the kids to bed. Then I came in to check on them and Little E was still up and playing in her room. She told me she wanted a bedtime snack and I decided that was ok since she didn't have much of an apatite at dinner. (She is sick with an ear infection and a cough that was "possibly croup" according to the doctor. I think the antibiotics will help but I just wanted her to get some more food and liquids in her system for the night.) So I gave her some banana bread for a snack. She really wanted to back banana bread with me today. She has figured out that when the bananas get brown its time to make banana bread! (They almost never get eaten before then because you aren't here to make milkshakes in the morning with them.) So we had fresh banana bread for a bedtime snack accompanied by wonderful little chattering from Little E. Part of the conversation was so sweet and tender that I really wanted to share it with you and record it for her in the future.
She was sitting at the table and I was washing the bread pan. She looked at me and said. "Mom that was such a fun walk with my cousins. With Sarah and Josh and Nate and Abby. And my Daddy. I really love my Daddy. But my Daddy really died. But it's not sad. Its just happy. His spirit is right here even if we can't see it." Oh how wise my little girl is before she has even reached her third birthday. She really does love you honey. I know she misses you so much, but her example often helps me make it through the days that are the hardest. Thank you so much for the gift you gave me of 2 beautiful wonderful children! I love them more than words can express. I know you do too.
Love,
Jenny
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| Happy St Patricks Day Honey! Sorry its late. :) Here is a pic of Little E showing off her silly face. (And me with my "will you please just look at the camera and smile face." lol) |
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| Now she is showing off her belly button. lol |
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| Little M grinning because Big Sister is holding him. He totally adores her! |
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| Can you beleive how big he is getting? Its hard for her to hold him now. Crazy! |
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| We love you! |
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| Little M in our hotel room. This was the weekend of the widows conference. He is holding your glasses that you wore in your classroom for the kids on St. Patrick's day. I tried to put them on him for a picture but he thought they were too fun to play with. The onsie is one Little E wore for her first St. Patrick's day! |
Monday, April 4, 2011
A few Wedding pics and a Thank You.
Dear Michael,
I dreamed about you again last night. I don't remember much of the dream, just that we were in a church and I was trying so hard to figure out if it was real or not. I was studying everyone's faces because I felt like if I was dreaming than people I didn't know wouldn't have detailed faces. Everyone looked real. You felt so real. It was kind of disorienting, but I was so grateful. I hadn't had a dream for a long time and it was nice to just hold your in church. I should have known it was a dream though, because your cousin G was there and had total Tim Burton hair going on, like Edward Scissor-hands style. It was awesome!
I was going through more of our wedding pictures last night and finally got them uploaded to our computer. There were some I had never ever seen because I had only seen the prints. It was so refreshing to see more images of that wonderful day. Here are a few of my favorites that I loved because of your hands.
Love,
Jenny
I dreamed about you again last night. I don't remember much of the dream, just that we were in a church and I was trying so hard to figure out if it was real or not. I was studying everyone's faces because I felt like if I was dreaming than people I didn't know wouldn't have detailed faces. Everyone looked real. You felt so real. It was kind of disorienting, but I was so grateful. I hadn't had a dream for a long time and it was nice to just hold your in church. I should have known it was a dream though, because your cousin G was there and had total Tim Burton hair going on, like Edward Scissor-hands style. It was awesome!
 |
| You used to have this sticker in good old Smokey's back window when we were dating. :) It totally impressed me! |
I was going through more of our wedding pictures last night and finally got them uploaded to our computer. There were some I had never ever seen because I had only seen the prints. It was so refreshing to see more images of that wonderful day. Here are a few of my favorites that I loved because of your hands.
Love,
Jenny
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| I don't remember what we were joking around about but I love this picture with your joking pout on your face and your hand propping up my chin like you are saying, "Chin up honey, its all going to be ok!" I'm trying honey. I'm trying. |
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| This is one of the pictures I hadn't seen because the photographer didn't think it was worth printing, but I love it! It is such a great picture of one of your huge Michael hugs. I can't wait until our reunion when I can finally get another one of those. |
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| I love our rings. Yours has an engraving inside that says "For time and all eternity." Sometimes I take it out just to remind myself of the promise I have been given. I absolutely love my ring, but I stopped wearing it about 2 months ago. There was a string of friends of mine that had lost their diamonds and I knew I wouldn't be able to face that. So I put it away where it would be safe and started wearing a gift ring from my family. They gave it to me on our anniversary. It was very sweet. |
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| Sweet sweet kisses. |
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| I love this look you are giving me. I really miss it, and having your strong hands touching me. I love you honey! |
Sunday, April 3, 2011
There's a Place for us...
Dear Michael,
I finally got your Ipod shuffle working. I couldn't figure out how to charge the thing, but finally realized I had plugged it into a socket that wasn't working for some reason. Anyways, I got it all charged up and was excited to listen to it and see what mixes you had made for yourself. I turned it on and suddenly realized that I was listening to one of the last songs you had played for yourself. It was still halfway through the song right where you had paused it over 8 months ago. It was playing Romeo and Juliet by the Indigo Girls. I loved this song. The way she sings it has so much emotion in it! It really struck a cord with me. I can remember singing along with you in the car at the top of our lungs. You even learned it on the Guitar and sang it with that same intensity. It was one of my favorite things that you played. I was amazed with how fast and hard you could strum while you sang with your eyes closed. I so wish I had videos of you singing all of the songs you knew. It was such an everyday thing that I never thought to pic up a camera and record it. Amazing how the things that were so normal are the things we really miss the most. It makes me more careful about recording what our children do. I pull out the camera sometimes and just try to get their everyday interactions because I know I will miss it when they grow up.
While I was looking up the song trying to find a video of it I found a version that The Killers had made of it. Can you beleive that! I was so sad that I couldn't just call you over to the computer and show you because I know you would have thought that was so cool! I wish we could have gone to one of their concerts together like we had wanted.
There are so many things everyday like that. Things that I wish I could call you to tell you about, things that I want to watch with you, things that I want to do for you, but mostly I just want to be held by you. I was looking through our wedding photos today, the thing that stuck out the most to me was your hands. All those wonderful pictures of your hands holding mine, touching my cheek, around my waist. Oh how I miss your touch. I am so grateful for the fact that you were so willing to hold my hand in public, to kiss me goodbye every morning, for every wonderful touch. I miss it so deeply, but only because it was so wonderful while I had it. Thank you for every moment you gave me.
There were a few lyrics from this song that fit so well for me right now. Especially these ones "Now all I do is miss you, and the way it used to be... all I do is kiss you through the bars of this rhyme... you said I love you like the stars above, I'm gonna love you till I die, there's a place for us." There is a place for us honey. It is so hard now. I miss you more than I can say, but I know that there is a place where we will be together. I thank God every day for that.
Love,
Jenny
I think its funny that when I looked up the video today it was the first time I had heard the entire song by them. The version on your Ipod always cuts out at the very end "He's got a love song that he made, he fi.." lol It always made me curious to find out how the song really ended. Now I know. I like it. :)
I finally got your Ipod shuffle working. I couldn't figure out how to charge the thing, but finally realized I had plugged it into a socket that wasn't working for some reason. Anyways, I got it all charged up and was excited to listen to it and see what mixes you had made for yourself. I turned it on and suddenly realized that I was listening to one of the last songs you had played for yourself. It was still halfway through the song right where you had paused it over 8 months ago. It was playing Romeo and Juliet by the Indigo Girls. I loved this song. The way she sings it has so much emotion in it! It really struck a cord with me. I can remember singing along with you in the car at the top of our lungs. You even learned it on the Guitar and sang it with that same intensity. It was one of my favorite things that you played. I was amazed with how fast and hard you could strum while you sang with your eyes closed. I so wish I had videos of you singing all of the songs you knew. It was such an everyday thing that I never thought to pic up a camera and record it. Amazing how the things that were so normal are the things we really miss the most. It makes me more careful about recording what our children do. I pull out the camera sometimes and just try to get their everyday interactions because I know I will miss it when they grow up.
While I was looking up the song trying to find a video of it I found a version that The Killers had made of it. Can you beleive that! I was so sad that I couldn't just call you over to the computer and show you because I know you would have thought that was so cool! I wish we could have gone to one of their concerts together like we had wanted.
There are so many things everyday like that. Things that I wish I could call you to tell you about, things that I want to watch with you, things that I want to do for you, but mostly I just want to be held by you. I was looking through our wedding photos today, the thing that stuck out the most to me was your hands. All those wonderful pictures of your hands holding mine, touching my cheek, around my waist. Oh how I miss your touch. I am so grateful for the fact that you were so willing to hold my hand in public, to kiss me goodbye every morning, for every wonderful touch. I miss it so deeply, but only because it was so wonderful while I had it. Thank you for every moment you gave me.
There were a few lyrics from this song that fit so well for me right now. Especially these ones "Now all I do is miss you, and the way it used to be... all I do is kiss you through the bars of this rhyme... you said I love you like the stars above, I'm gonna love you till I die, there's a place for us." There is a place for us honey. It is so hard now. I miss you more than I can say, but I know that there is a place where we will be together. I thank God every day for that.
Love,
Jenny
I think its funny that when I looked up the video today it was the first time I had heard the entire song by them. The version on your Ipod always cuts out at the very end "He's got a love song that he made, he fi.." lol It always made me curious to find out how the song really ended. Now I know. I like it. :)
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