The Flu-ups

Dear Michael,

We had an interesting couple of weeks around here. Tuesday the 15th Little E was acting way more tired than normal. I assumed it was because of our busy day on Valentines day and didn't think much of it. She got pretty fussy and went down for an early nap, like 10:30 instead of 2:00. That made me worry a little bit. After she slept a few hours she woke up crying because she had wet the bed. I took her straight to the shower and got in with her to get her all cleaned off. While we were showering she lost her lunch. All. Over. Me. :( Yuck. Anyways. Sorry for the gross image but I was actually really grateful that we were already in the shower so the worst of it just rinsed quickly down the drain. Way easier than when she gets sick in bed.

The rest of the day was filled with watching movies and doing load after load of laundry. Thankfully she has already learned to aim for a bowl, but she still missed some and we had several loads of blankets to wash because of it. By the time Wednesday rolled around both the kids were running fevers and I took them both to the doctor. They had the flu. I was really really grateful that I had gotten the flu shot this year. I don't know what I would have done without it. My Mom helped me a ton by holding the baby while I took care of Little E, but eventually everyone in our entire family was sick at the same time. Except me. Seriously, God bless the man who invented vaccinations. Bless him, Bless him!

So since we went into the doctor within 24 hours of symptoms starting he gave us a prescription and said it would probably do a lot of good because we were so early in the illness. Little E and I went to the pharmacy to pick it up, and while she was snuggling on my lap she looked at me and said in a very serious voice, "Mommy, I have the flu-ups." lol What a cute kid! I told her she sure did and that we would take good care of her and make her feel all better. The medicine really did wonders. She recovered much faster than Little M who was too young to take it. However, I am extremely grateful for priesthood blessings. Our home teachers called that day and asked if we needed anything (can you say inspiration? Seriously, they always know when to call me). They came over straight away and gave Little E, Little M, and I all blessings. I have such a testimony of the power of these blessings. That night both of their fevers went away, and they slept so well. I know they still had to take time to recover, but I am sure that it went so much faster and smoother because of those blessings. The doctor had told me that I was "In for a rough week." But it was really pretty smooth sailing considering everything. I am so very grateful.

We still had to self quarantine ourselves for an entire week. I didn't get out past our driveway that whole time. I almost lost my mind! But our house sure did end up clean. I didn't have anything else to do while the kids slept (and they slept way more than normal.) So I cleaned out under our bed, your bedside table, the Tupperware cabinet (finally using the ones you let me buy in the summer. They work great and it is so much less cluttered! Thank you.), and the entertainment center that Ziggy Pop our snake is on. While it felt nice to get so much done in the house I was so excited when we finally could leave our little cave and venture somewhere else. Tuesday we went and got our car left rear blinker changed and bought light bulbs for all over the house. They all seemed to got out at the same time. Then Wednesday it felt so good to go swing dancing, and last night I went out with my friends Nathan and Ashley along with Amber and Scott. It was nice to have some adult conversation and just sit and laugh with each other. I am so glad that I have wonderful family and friends. They help the time fly by, and boy does it ever fly by. I can't beleive we are already to the end of February. Crazy.

Well, I just wanted to record that we all survived another crazy week of sickness at our house. I am sure you were doing all you could to help us make it through. Thank you for all you do for us. We love you and miss you always.

Love,
Jenny

Happy 5 Months Little M!

Dear Little M,

Wow, I can't beleive it has already been five months. You are such a wonderful part of my life. The smiles and giggles you give me when I come into your room first thing every morning make my day. Thank you so much for being such a wonderful light in my life! I can't beleive how big you have already gotten. You amaze me daily.

Love,
Mommy

Little M heading home from the hospital.

Little M 5 months old!

Little M in his take home outfit that Michael and I picked out together.

Little M 5 months in a sweet outfit from our neighbor. :)

Just a pic so you call see all the sweet chubby goodness. :) This is the first smile from today, and it was totally aimed at his sister who was saying "Hey there!"

He seriously adores her. :)

Yoga time anyone?

Dancing is my Remedy

Dear Swing Night,

Thank you so much for making me feel like a million bucks. Dancing has a wonderful way of changing the way you feel. If I can just get out on a Wednsday night and start dancing like I am having a great time eventually I really do have a great time. It is a wonderful remedy for those not so great days and I look forward to it every week. :)

Until next week,
Jenny



I heard this song on the way up last night for the first time and couldn't help but start singing along at the top of my lungs! "Dancing is my Remedy Remedy oh!"

Pillow fight. :)

Dear Michael,

I am doing a lot better when it comes to sleeping without you now. It was really rough at first, I even had to take benedryl to be able to fall asleep. At first I had to sleep with someone else in the bed (my sister Amber), then when I finally started sleeping on my own I had to have your body pillow right next to me (I was in a king sized bed but had less room than in a twin). I also had your Dr. Pepper shirt that I used to snuggle with. I would pull it across me like I always did your arm and then pull the pillow up behind me. It made it a lot easier to sleep for a while. About a month ago I finally gave myself permission to start using some of your shirts as nightshirts. It was a big step for me. I was moving forward and feeling like using your things wasn't going to hurt me. It was nice to feel close to you at night, but in a different way. Now I have finally moved the body pillow over to your side of the bed. I still snuggle it every night, but now I have enough space to really roll over in bed etc. I don't feel scared whenever I go to bed, and I don't even feel like I need to be holding/ wearing one of your shirts. The pillow will do. I still tell you good night every night, and miss you terribly, but it is so nice to look back and see that I am making progress.


While I was thinking about how I am moving forward, I had a few memories about pillows that I thought I would share with you. :) The fist thing is that you were always, ALWAYS stealing my pillow! It wasn't while we would sleep. In fact half the time we would share each others pillows depending on which direction we were facing in bed. We were always snuggly sleepers and so sharing pillows just happened. But when we were awake and reading or something like that you were constantly taking mine, balling it up, and shoving it behind yours to give yourself a little more support. It was so annoying! lol I would come in from doing the dishes or something and try to lie down and have to fight you for it. It was always in good clean fun but you would struggle with me for a minute just for good measure and then give it back. The annoying thing was that I always had it just right for sleeping on and as soon as you balled it up it wouldn't be right anymore. I would have to punch it and get it just the way I wanted, only to have you steal it again the next time I left the room. lol

I know I have posted this several times, but I wanted to note the stolen pillow balled up under his head. lol

But I had ways of getting back at you for your misdeeds. ;) Do you remember how I used to steal your books and hide them? I was such a pest. I was even reading your journal a few days ago and you were complain about how I would pester you to get attention. Anyways, I loved hiding your books as a joke if you left the room. I especially remember hiding the last Fablehaven from you. It was right after the book had come out and you had preordered it through amazon and couldn't wait to read it!  I remember you were about to the climax of the book. You had been into it for days, gasping at intense parts and showing me the coolest pictures. I had no idea what was going on. I was letting you finish the series to tell me if it ended well before I started it. Then we read them all together (and did the books on cd too.) Anyways, so you were reading the book and I was messing around on facebook or something. You finally got too hungry to stand it anymore and went to make yourself something to eat. While you were in the kitchen I grabbed your book and hid it. You came back in, took one look at me and said. "Where is it Jen?!" I tried to act innocent and said "I don't know what you are talking about." You didn't buy it for a second. But I wouldn't tell you were it was. You searched and searched the whole room getting more and more frustrated. I told you I would get the book for you if you brought me a bowl of cereal with strawberries in it to eat. (I was really morning sick around this time and eating tended to help. But you got sick of me always asking you to get me some cereal.) You went out and I grabbed the book from under your pants in the hanging shelf unit of the closet. (You never did know where I had hid it. Well now you do! lol) You came back in as quickly as you could and gave me a bowl of cereal with 1 strawberry in it as your revenge. Stinker! lol You laughed, took your book and went to get me more strawberries.  This was all during Little E's naptime. It was so funny and I am glad that I have great memories like this to look back on. :) You were such a good sport.

I love you,
Jenny

Balloon, Moon, and Stars

Dear Little E,

Here are a couple of fun memories for you. When you were almost 2 you asked your Daddy to draw stars and moons all the time. On your magna doodle, coloring books, etc. Then one day he drew them on your hand at church. At first you only asked at church but it became something you asked him to do whenever you found a pen. "Moon and stars Daddy! Moon and stars!" You would even bring him pencils and crayons and get mad when it didn't work on your skin. It became one of your very favorite things. :) Eventually you learned the difference between a "crescent moon" and a "circle moon" and would tell us which one you wanted. I think you figured those out because you played a game on Daddy's Ipod with him. It was a shape identifying game "find the circle. find the crescent" etc. I remember him downloading that game and playing it with you before bedtime. He used to show you off to me. "Look Jen! She is amazing at this. She is doing it all by herself." He would say with a huge grin. He was always so proud of you. :) You were his shining star that got him through his hard days. You brought him so much joy.

This is a "shaker" I made with you one day out of some beans and a can of your Daddy's morning shake mix. He came home and I had him draw on it with you in permanent marker. As you can see it was during your moon and star phase. I think you changed your mind about wanting a circle moon to wanting a crescent moon. So he fixed it for you. You also had him draw you a baby. You were always requesting he draw you things. Especially yourself. :)

Another fun memory from church happened just before he went to Alaska. He was holding you during sacrament meeting and you were being pretty rambunctious. So he tried to distract you. He would use the paper program to make things for you, and to color on. He was amazing at making things. I don't know where he learned all of them, but he always had something new that he could pull out of his sleeve. On this particular day he decided to make you an origami balloon. He took the program, folded it in front of you, and handed you a "ball."

You were so excited that you grabbed it from him and chucked it at the man's head in the row in front of us. You totally nailed him! We were both so embarrassed but had to laugh at your amazing aim. He looked at me and said "Who says girls can't throw?" We decided balls were probably something he shouldn't make for you at church anymore. So instead he would make a "mouth" to eat you with. He loved entertaining you.

He also liked to entertain himself at church too. One thing he used to do when I was pregnant with you was pick on you to get you riled up. He would push on your bottom or a foot until you would start thrashing around. It was his way of getting back at me for all the pestering I would do. He wasn't aloud to do anything back while I was pregnant, so he would get you to do his dirty work. lol

I love you honey, I hope I can help you to have many treasured memories of you and your Daddy.

Love,
Mommy

These were taken 7/21/10. Just a few day's before your daddy left. He was playing with you using photo booth on the computer. He would make his head "Explode" by using this effect. He would say "Ehhhh" in a really high pitched voice and then "Bchh!" his head would vanish on the screen because he leaned the other direction. You would laugh and laugh.

Same day. You can see how much he loved you. You were one of his very favorite people in the whole wide world! He still loves you. I am sure he is here watching over you always.

My Beleif.

Dear Friends and Family,

I just wanted to take a second to share a thought with you. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Later Day Saints, or Mormon. I love my church, and my savior. I am so grateful for this beautiful gospel that has helped me through such a difficult time in my life. I know that it is true and good. I have felt the peace that it can bring many times in my life. Perhaps the strongest was when I got to see my husband for the first time after he had passed away. I knew then and there that it is really true. All of it. I could feel the peace of it surrounding me like the arms of my savior in a moment when I shouldn't have been able to feel anything.

I truly beleive that families can and will be together forever. They are eternal. We are eternal. We are children of a loving father in heaven. Children of God, and just like kittens grow up to be cats and puppies grow up to be dogs, someday we can grow up to be like our loving Father. It is the plan of happiness, and I am so grateful for it every day.

I just wanted to share with everyone who is reading this that I know this to be true. I want others to be able to feel the peace and joy that I have been given. I want all of us to be able to live our lives to the fullest and then return to live in His presence someday.

Thank you so much for taking a moment to listen to me. If you are looking for answers, take a moment to consider that these could be what you have been looking for. I promise you won't regret it.

Love,
Jenny

Ps. To all my friends who share in my faith, I found some blog buttons that are on the side of my blog. If you would like to add some of your own here is the link (link 2) to where I got mine. Remember, this is a wonderful truth and we should share the happy message with all we can. :)

Cleaning out under the bed and being led to peace.

Dear Michael,

Thank you so much for helping me to find the cord to your razor this morning. I went to gather all the parts 2 days ago and could not find the cord anywhere. I know it is basically worthless if it can't be charged and started looking all over the house for it. I cleaned out our half bathroom and totally reorganized it. That was hard because it meant I had to go through your travel case that you had taken on that final trip and put all the things away from it. But I was happy to take the toothpaste you had been using and be able to use it now. Its funny how things like using up the last of the toothpaste or shampoo (this happened 2 days ago too.) that we used together upsets me. So that was a nice little boost that I really needed. I didn't find the cord in there so then I moved to the other bathroom. Searched but it was nowhere to be seen.

Michael's travel kit with everything he took on his last trip.

Under the sink before.

Under the sink after. Looks so much better! :)

At this point I scratched my head and began glancing around our room... My eyes fell on your bedside table. I could see it was filled with cord after cord. Gulp, I decided to look there. It needed to be cleaned out anyways, and made into a space I could use. But I really didn't want to change anything about it. It was too full of you.

Bedside table after. Full of all the books I am trying to read, and some electronics. I finally figured out what was wrong with my bedside clock. It hasn't worked for nearly 6 months because it was always Michael's job. But I finally got fed up and did it.

I needed the cord though... so I dug right in. Here are some pictures of all the treasures I found during my excavations. One of the things that made me cry was your missionary tag. I had no idea that it was in there and was so happy when I found it. My nephew just got his dad's tag as a gift for his 19th birthday, and I realized then what a treasure yours could be for Little M someday. I was so happy to stumble across it. I found many other treasures, but no cord...

Little M with his daddy's Missionary Tag. I love his new passy. :) Its so darn cute! Behind him are some of the toys we gave each other in our stalkings, a yoyo and silly putty.

Back side of his missionary tag. Kids would give him stickers and he would put them on the back. :) You can tell kids really liked him even then!

So I moved on to under the bed. I felt like an archeologist. I sifted through layer after layer as I moved further under the bed. The recent layer included books on grieving, my scriptures, etc. Then there was the layer on pregnancy from when you were still here and I was trying to figure out how to be less morning sick. There was also a layer of your workout stuff, push up bars, your running shoes, etc. After I got everything under there cleaned out and put away, I vacuumed it. It felt so good to know there were only 2 things under my bed, a Tupperware of fun games, and a Tupperware of things from your dresser.

I still hadn't found that cord though.

Little E got a hold of your old pair of goggles. We had to through them away because they covered everything in a layer of black fluff. As you can tell from her face!

At this point I was more just in the mood to clean out and organize than searching anymore. I had kind of given up for the time being. I had put the Tupperware back under the bed when I decided to go through the one with our games in it. Just to be thorough. I had glanced through it time and again, but never really gone through it. I am so glad that I did. I found several things that I have been looking for, but one made me cry with joy. Do you remember our first Christmas? You gave me a sapphire heart necklace. It was so beautiful. I remember you commenting later that you shouldn't bother giving me jewelry because I never wear it, but I really loved that necklace. I just lost it and couldn't find it anywhere! I have searched for it time and time again. I had horrible images of me vacuuming it up running through my head for years now. I was sure I had lost it in our very first apartment we had lived in. But I hadn't. :) It was right there, waiting patiently in a box for me to find it on a day that I really needed to. I was just so grateful. I am so grateful for small promptings like that one. "Just look through the box now. Take the time. You really should." So so glad I listened. I just wish I had found it when you were still here to celebrate with me. But I will wear it on a special occasion and I am sure you will be able to tell the gratitude I feel for you in my heart when I do.

Well, I still hadn't found the cord. I gave up. I decided I could look this week. It was probably in the basement bathroom after all. Another days task that I wasn't ready to tackle. I was sure it was there from when we had redone the upstairs bathroom. After all, we had only recently finished it when you passed away, so you probably still had things for the bathroom in the one we had been using instead. Right? So I put it out of my mind for a day.

This was another treasure hiding in your bed stand. The picture on the wall used to be pinned behind your toilet in your apartment when we dated. I told you I didn't really want it in our bathroom because it wasn't "classy". After all it was just a newspaper clipping you laminated with tape, but you insisted. Then one day you found the statue in TJ Max (3rd apt.). You were so excited and it was better than a newspaper clipping so we were both happy. We bought a shelf and Jen V. helped me make the flower decorations to go next to it (one broke when the plumbers put in our tub last year). :) Anyways, it was so funny in your old apt that I am so happy to still have it. It made me laugh out loud and shed a few tears when I found it. Maybe it will survive to accompany Little M to collage. lol

This morning I woke up and knew right where it was. I know you where there, whispering its location in my ear. Thank you. I remembered as I woke up that you had probably taken it on your trip so that you could use it. You were supposed to be there 3 weeks. You would have needed to charge it. So I must have just not known what it was when I unpacked your bag. But I couldn't remember where I put things when I had unpacked them. (That was 6 months ago, and during a time that I really wasn't functioning fully...) Right when I had that thought, I knew I had put it in the other Tupperware under the bed. The one with all your things from your dresser. I got up, opened the box, and found it within seconds. It was right where you told me it would be. Thank you! I felt like it was your way of helping me to know you approve of me slowly moving on. Passing things on to people you love. Not holding so tightly to everything anymore. Thank you for helping me to feel at peace with this. It truly means a lot. I love you. I am so grateful to be your wife.

Love,
Jenny

More proof that you loved to read at night before bed. These are all the reading lights from the bed stand. Half of them were broken or out of batteries. lol The square one was one of your favorites and Little E stole it all the time. She loved turning it on and off. You didn't want her to use all the batteries, but let her anyways because it made her happy. :)

Ps. I just cleaned out your razor for the last time. As I looked around the bathroom at the stubble that had fallen onto the counter I sighed. That used to be something that drove me crazy nearly daily. You would shave and clean out your razor and I would get so mad that you didn't clean up the counter afterward.  It would only take a second with a piece of wet toilet paper. Sometimes you did, but I wouldn't notice then because it was clean (Isn't that life. Why don't we notice more of the good?).  I only noticed when it wasn't done.  It was really hard for me to wipe it all up because I knew it was the last time I would ever clean up after you that way. :( I really miss stupid things like that. I wish I could do things for you daily. It makes me far more appreciative of the work I do for others. Serving truly does bring joy, and I miss being able to do things for you constantly.

Facial hair, Random stuff I miss.

Dear Michael,

It's funny the random things that I miss. This morning I was thinking about finally giving away your electric razor to my brother in law. He doesn't have one and I sure am not going to use it. But its been hard for me to give anything up so far. I think I am finally ready. Anyways, I was thinking about it and it got me thinking about your facial hair. Funny how there are things I would never have thought twice about that now I really miss. Like how you used to drive me crazy by moving stuff so I couldn't find it, and now I hate how everything (that's too high for Little E to reach) stays in the same place unless I move it. Things don't get done unless I do them. Its slowly driving me batty! Anyways, back to what I missed this morning.

Michael showing off his goatee. :) He is taking the picture himself. I love the half smile. You can tell he thinks he looks great!

I miss seeing all the colors in your beard when you tried to grow it out. (You never could grow a full beard, only a goatee. The sides never had much hair. I always liked that about you. It meant you got less scruffy.) I miss the red hairs especially. You were so proud of those little red hairs. I miss the random huge black hairs that you would pluck periodically and show me while saying "can you beleive how thick this one is?!"  They were 3 times the thickness of your other hairs. I also miss your random obsession of whether or not you had gray in your beard. You would grow a goatee every once in a while and all of a sudden see a blond hair in it. Then you would bring it to me and say "Is this gray?! Is it? Do I have gray hairs already?" I would always reassure you that it was just blond but I don't think you ever believed me. I promise I wasn't lying to you though. I really do think they were just blond hairs. You never got old enough to see your first gray. Stinker!

I miss how you could never leave your goatee alone if you grew one out. You were always stroking it, or playing with the part right under your bottom lip with your top lip or tip of your tongue. You even told me that you couldn't stop touching it because it felt so weird and would eventually shave it off because you didn't want to play with it in front of your class, but you couldn't help yourself. lol

5/14/2009 6:31 pm
Michael on his 30th Birthday! Chilling at home in the living room. I love his crazy hair and that he is wearing the tshirt that I tried to throw away because he had loved it to death. (He caught me...) lol This was another crazy hair day.

Michael holding our nephew G. This was a little bit after he had shaved his head, it was finally growing back in.

I miss you taking Little E's hand and rubbing it on her face while saying "Smooth..." and then rubbing it on yours and saying "Rough!" while she giggled hysterically. I miss you rubbing her belly while she laughed until I had to stop you so you wouldn't give her beard burn. Her tummy would be bright red when you were done. I miss you using your beard as a torture device for me. If I didn't give you your way you would pin me down and give me a beard burn too. It used to drive me crazy, but now I really miss it!

I miss you letting yourself get kind of scruffy and then every once in a while grabbing your non electric razor while giving me a look and running off to take a shower. Then you would come out with a baby smooth face and let me stroke it and then you would kiss me so sweetly. I loved those kisses. I always looked forward to days you were trying to impress someone (sometimes it was even me!) so you would give yourself a close shave. :) You were always so handsome.

Micheal's poofy out of control hair. You can tell he was really feeling it that day. lol This was while we were pregnant with Little E. 3-22-08

Michael's fake mow-hawk. (Farmers tan is from doing track.)

I remember when we lived in our first apartment and you shaved your head because you had gotten a really bad hair cut from the beaut. You let me try a little bit because it was hard for your to see the back. I was so scared I would cut you and vowed never to try shaving your face ever again! But I did learn to cut your hair with a pair of clippers. You sure were a brave man. We got the clippers the time you shaved your head, but tried our first real hair cut in the garage of our second house. That first hair cut was awful! But you never admitted that. You just told me it looked great. I did get better in time though. You often liked to do the honor of the first part of the hair cut so you could give yourself a fake mow-hawk for a few minutes. lol It was funny how you would swing back and forth in your attitude with your hair cuts. You would teach your class like a crazy mad scientist when you had crazy long hair, and then decide things were out of control and cut it all off military style. Your kids always knew they were dealing with a much stricter Mr. "McCool" when they saw you had cut your hair.

Michael's hair cut, Military Style! Another self taken picture. lol

Anyways, its funny how sometimes I start thinking about some "thing" and all of a sudden I am missing all kinds of stuff that I never thought twice about before. It makes me try to hold tightly to everything I can. Every memory I can come up with, and everything new our children are doing. I know I will miss all kinds of stuff they do someday too.

I love you, I hope you won't mind me sharing your things with other people. It seems like it is slowly starting to be time to let go of them... but I'll never let go of the memories.

While I am at it, I think I will record the story about the day you shaved your head. :) You had gone to get a hair cut from the beauty collage and came back complaining about how bad it was. You thought it was uneven and really didn't like it. It was almost the last day of school (this was while you were student teaching I think.) so I told you to just shave it off. You used to do that when you were on swim team in high school and had told me about how fun it was to do that and how weird everything felt. There was no insulation so your head was either really hot or really cold. Plus you would sunburn so easily. lol I told you that it would grow back and you may never get the chance again. You agreed and off to walmart we went to get ourselves a pair of clippers. We justified the purchase by saying I would learn to cut your hair and save us money, which I eventually did. Then we came back to our apartment and slowly shaved your head in the bathroom. I couldn't beleive how much hair you had, even after a hair cut! Then you got out the razor and began to "bick" it. You couldn't see the back so I helped you with that part, even though I was terrified I was going to cut you. When we were done I couldn't beleive how little your head looked without the hair. It took me a long time to get used to looking at a bald you. I decided then and there that I liked you a lot better with your poofy hair.

After we were done it was time to go over to my parents house for dinner. This was during the time that my little sister was still living at home. She was a senior in high school and loved pestering you. You liked to wear your baseball cap, but she always stole it and put it on herself to bug you. It was a constant joke between you two then. So we decided to play a little trick on her and my mom. You put on your hat (the green one with the mushroom from mario I think...) Then we headed over. You nonchalantly went in and sat on the love seat. Kara came in and walked past you while swiping your hat, but not even looking at you. Then she turned around to show off her new look and screamed and fell to the floor! It was so funny. I wish I had it on video but we didn't even have a camera then. We were still using the disposable ones. We didn't get a digital one until Little E was born. Anyways, my mom came in to see what Kara was screaming about, took one look at you and started saying "I don't like it! I don't like it!" You were laughing so hard and enjoying all of the attention. Then mom tentatively came up to feel it, shook her head again and kept on saying "I don't like it..." It was a really fun night. And we had a great time going bridge jumping a few days later. You liked how cold the water felt on your head, and how hot the sun felt. It was all so new and extreme. I am still glad I made you put sunscreen on it though. You could have had the worst sun burn of your life. lol

I love you and miss you so much. But I am grateful for all the great times we had. :) But I do wish I could run my fingers through your amazing hair just one more time, have just one more kiss with your baby smooth face, or heck, even just one more beard burn.

Love,
Jenny

Laughing at about the same age.

Dear Michael,

These kids are so similar. Here is a little video we posted on the blog back when Little E was 4 months old. :) You were so good at getting her giggling. I love this video! It's funny to remember watching it with you. You always hated the part where you say "Hizah!" You would flinch every time I played it. lol I love that part even more now.

Love,
Jenny

A Little of Our Everyday.

Dear Grandma and Grandpa,

We love you!!! We wish you were able to be her and spend more time with us, and get to see more of our everyday lives. But since your video chat isn't working right now, we put together a little video of what we have been up to. Just for you! :)

I hope it isn't too boring, but like I said, its just a little of our everyday.

We love you!
Jenny, Little E, and Little M



What's in the video:

• Little M laughing as Papa calls him by his nickname "Toad"
• Little M's first time in the jumparoo.
• Snuggling in the blanket on the floor (the music in the background is from Michael's old tape he used to fall asleep to.)
• Little E playing with Little M, trying to make him laugh.
• Little M panting because he is kicking so hard and laughing when tickeled.
• Little E's funny giggle. It's what we used to call her "goat cry" only laughing. I still don't know how she does it, but its been around since she was brand new. She cried that way when pricked on her heel for her jaundice test. That's also when she said her first "word". Ow. It was said using this goat cry. Poor thing!
• Little E playing with Michael's valentine froggy. This frog was the first Valentines day gift I ever got from Michael. It had a heart pillow sewn on that said "Toadally in Love". I couldn't beleive how big it was when he gave it too me. Little E loves playing with it now. :)

Happy Valentine's Day!

Dear Michael,

Happy Valentine's Day! It's funny, I had a lot of people very worried about me and how I was going to handle Valentine's Day this year (including me) but it turned out to be one of the best day's I have ever had. :) I am out to prove to myself and the world that the theory I used to share with you is correct. Whether you are happy or sad is all a choice. Its up to you to decide how you want to feel and how you want each day to go. A few days before V-day I was trying to ignore the fact that it was coming. I was hoping that if I didn't look at the calendar and hid myself for a few days it would just slip past without my noticing... the plan wasn't really working. Instead it just made me stress more about the inevitable.

Saturday night I came home and started reading a book called "The Message". It is an amazing book about a man who had a near death experience and what he saw on the other side of the veil. It was really nice to read, but really hard at the same time. I spent most of the night sobbing and wishing I could be done with this hard life and spending eternity with you in such a wonderful place. I thought of our reunion and what it would be like, and it was almost more than I could handle. The idea of such a wonderful thing being so far off was very hard for me. I had to go into Little E's room and hold her and read her books just to remind myself why I am still here. While I held her (and apologized to her for being so fed up when putting her to bed earlier, some nights its really hard to be a nice mommy.) I called her sweetheart at one point. At that moment I realized that she could be my Valentine. My favorite thing about Valentines day is being able to focus so much on someone I love. It used to be you, but now I can focus on our sweet kids. The moment I switched my attention to pampering her my outlook on the day totally reversed. I couldn't wait for it to come!

I was trying to figure out what to do for the big day, and decided on a Mommy-Daughter date to the mall. I was really looking forward to it, and couldn't wait to tell her about it first thing in the morning. I was sure she would be so excited. Funny how kids never react the way that you think they will. Little E woke up totally distraught over something. She does that sometimes and I think it has to do with you being gone. I think she either dreams of you, or you come visit her at night and she is upset when you are gone in the morning. I am not sure, but she almost never tells me why she was upset when I ask her. Anyways, we snuggled in my bed and played with our fingers in the sunbeams shining through the window shade (it was such a nice day!). After she was finally calmed down I was getting ready to tell her about our big date. Before I could she said "Mommy, I wanna milk a cow! I wanna squeeze the cow and the milk comes out. Then I want to get eggs from chickens." I have absolutely no idea where she came up with that one. I haven't seen any shows, books, or people that have told her about milking cows lately. I think I may have told her about it a long long time ago, but I didn't think she understood it. Anyways. I told her we could do that after our date.

So we got ready for our day, Little E wore her cute heart sweater for the second year in a row (it was way longer on her last year) but I didn't get any pictures with it actually on her. She also got to wear her new heart coat. It feels just like a silky and she loves playing with the huge hood. I wore my Muse t-shirt that says "I Want to Satisfy the Undisclosed Desires in Your Heart". I thought it was fitting because we bought tickets to the concert last year as our valentines day gifts to each other. :) Best gifts ever!

Then we went to Nana's to drop off the little man. He was supposed to play at his cousins house but she has a flue, so we did plan B and had my sister watch him at Nana's instead. As we pulled out of the driveway we saw that our house had been Heart Attacked 2 times! It made the day start off great. Thank you to whoever did it!!

After we dropped off Little M (who slept the whole time we were out. What a good boy!) We headed to the mall for our date. We started out in Barnes and Noble where we read books on the floor and bought Little E the movie Cars, bought me Season 3 of Avatar, and also got her a new book. It is very sweet and really sums up the way I feel about her. Here are the words, but the pictures are lovely in it too. I wish I could post them too, but I guess the words will have to do.

On The Night You Were Born

By Nancy Tillman

On the night you were born,

the moon smiled with such wonder

that the stars peeked in to see you

and the night wind whispered,

"Life will never be the same."

Because there had never been anyone like you...

ever in the world

So enchanted with you were the wind and the rain

that they whispered the sound of your wonderful name.

The sound of your name is a magical one.

Let's say it out loud before we go on.

It sailed through the farmland high on the breeze...

Over the ocean...

And through the trees...

Until everyone heard it 

and everyone knew

of the one and only ever you.

Not once had there been such eyes,

such a nose,

such silly, wiggly, wonderful toes.

In fact, I think I'll count to three

so you can wiggle your toes for me.

When the polar bears heard,

 they danced until dawn.

From Faraway places,

the geese flew home.

The moon stayed up until 

morning next day.

And none of the ladybugs flew away.

So whenever you doubt just how special you are

and you wonder who loves you, how much and how far,

listen for geese honking high in the sky.

(They're singing a song to remember you by.)

Or notice the bears asleep at the zoo.

(It's because they've been dancing all night for you!)

Or drift off to sleep to the sound of the wind.

(Listen closely... it's whispering your name again!)

If the moon stays up until morning one day,

or a ladybug lands and decides to stay,

or a little bird sits at your window awhile,

it's because they're all hoping to see you smile...

For never before in story or rhyme

(not even once upon a time)

has the world ever known a you, my friend,

and it never will, not ever again...

Heaven blew every trumpet

and played every horn

on the wonderful, marvelous

night you were born.

She loves it already, and it fits her so well. Especially considering she was born on a full moon during a thunder storm. lol

After we got her books we went to the play place, or the "tree slide" as she calls it. She had a great time running around playing with 2 other little girls her age. They all got along great and I got right down on my hands and knees and played with them. I chased her around, pretended to be a doggy, threw her over my shoulder, and had a jolly old time of it. It felt great to be able to romp around with her and not have to worry about keeping Little M safe during all of it. She had a really great time climbing on all the toys and kept telling me that she had "Sticky Feet! and Sticky Hands!" because I had taken off her socks to help her climb better. It was great. 

Little E loves the "Tree slide" and asks to go there a lot in the winter time.

Then we went to Claire's and let her pick out some necklaces and hair accessories. She picked out all green things. Green has become her favorite color lately. She would point to the necklace and say "I want that one. The green one. I like green! It's my fave-wit!" Then she picked out a green hair band and green flower hair elastic. After that we went through a drive through and got a corn dog kids meal and kids ice cream cone to eat at my Mom's. She ate the ice cream on the the way there, and you know what? I didn't even care! I let her eat dessert first and am glad she was having a great time! Then she took a nap and was really excited when she woke up to "Go milk the cows!!" She couldn't wait. 

We went to a farm that I used to go to as a kid. The mom of the family watched me when I was Little E's age and later taught me to crochet and knit for 4-H. I love going to visit them. The whole family is just wonderful. She took us out and let Little E try everything on the farm. 

We started out looking at the baby cows. Then we got to see the bunny's (they wouldn't let her pet them, but she gave it a valiant effort).

Bunnies!!!

Then we got to collect eggs from the chickens. Little E was so brave. She reached right in and grabbed out the eggs. Then she petted any chicken that would hold still long enough for her to touch it. She didn't mind the noise and the movement. She just had a great time. Even Sister M. was amazed that she handled the chickens so well. :) I was very proud.

This chicken just sat there and let her pet it. It was nice and tame. :)

After the chickens, we went outside and Little E got her first ever tractor ride! She got carried across the mud to the tractor by one of the boys and gave me a look over his shoulder that was so cute. She knew she was being carried by a cute boy. She was totally smitten. lol 

First time on a tractor, and the nice boy who gave her the ride.

She wouldn't touch the steering wheel. lol

She loved the tractor ride and thought it was going so fast (even though he was driving it as slowly as he could.) I think it was one of her favorite parts. Then we went inside to try to milk the cows. She saw how big they really were and froze. I showed her how to milk it and she didn't want to at all! She would barely touch my hand while I milked the cow, but at least she got that close to them. It was pretty brave considering they are 3 times her height! Once we left the barn she all of a sudden wanted to milk the cows again. I told he we would try again another time. 

"What are they called mom?"

Last but not least she got to feed a baby calf a bottle. :) It was a twin and they were so cute! We helped fill the bottles and I told her to look at how big they were compared to Little M's bottles. The little boy helping us asked her what the nipple was called and she said "hole!" it made him laugh and laugh. But technically she was right. There was a hole in the top. She had a great time, but the calf kept trying to pull the bottle out of her hand which kind of freaked Little E out. She did a really good job though and was really cute with all her shrieks of delieght. After that we had to leave because it was getting really cold but she got to take the eggs and some cream home to Nana as a souvenir. 

Feeding a calf a bottle for the first time.

For dinner we decided to start a new tradition. It used to be that the tradition was to take you on a date, but now I am going to focus on our kids instead, so we had pink heart-shaped pancakes for dinner! We put strawberry flavored apple chips in it and red food coloring. I have to say I am pretty proud of the way they turned out. I think this will be a great tradition for years to come. Plus its a dinner the kids will actually eat!

Pink heart pancake (It was more pink in person.)

We then did Family Home Evening and made Valentines for Nana, Amber, Trek, and you. That is another tradition I think I want to do. I am going to buy a card for you on the holiday's I miss you most. I really feel like hand writing something to you feels right, and I am sure you can read them too. I found the perfect card for you. Little E grabbed it off a shelf in Barnes and Noble, it said "To my Husband, on this day I remember our love. I'm grateful for you always. Happy Valentines Day." It fit so perfectly it took my breath away. I hope you like what I wrote you, and the hand prints from Little M and Little E. We truly love and miss you. Thank you so much for helping me to figure out how to have a wonderful Valentines day! 

Love,

Jenny

Trek enjoying his edible doggy card.

Family Portrait by Little E

Dear Michael,

I remember you telling me things you had learned about child development and art. How children start out with scribbles that they know the meaning of, and slowly work they way up to stick figures etc. I remember you telling me that there comes a point when they make an important step of drawing details. They draw a circle and add something like an eye or mouth etc.

Little E has reached that step. Every time she does a drawing now I think of that conversation and wish you were here to tell her how amazing her drawing is. I know you are probably so excited to watch each new thing she learns too.

Here it is, artwork at its finest. Family Portrait: by Little E

She drew it on her magna doottle during bedtime tonight and I had to take a picture and write down what was what so she would have a copy of her amazing art in the future. :) The big oval is me. The dot on the top of it is my eye, the circle is my mouth, and the lower dot is my belly button. The little circle on the side of the big oval is Little M. He also has a mouth as you can see. The small oval in the top right corner is Little E. She has an eye and mouth too.

This photo isn't the most professional family picture, but it sure does show what our life is like lately. :) Little E making silly faces, Little M's fist in his mouth, and my lack of makeup. lol Pretty much sums up our days.

See the resemblance? Its a spitting image! Way to go Little E. You are amazing. :) I love you so much!

Well honey, I hope you enjoyed our venture into the world of art this evening.

Love,
Jenny