Happy New Years

Dear Michael,
I am going to tell you about the rest of our Christmas and what I have been up to later. But for now I just want a minute to be sad...
It has finally happened. I am living in a year that you never lived to see. I never ever wanted that to happen. I wanted us to die together in our old age, while sleeping together in our bed. I don't even know how to live in a new year without you. I guess I just keep on going the way that I have been, taking things a day at a time and mostly just trying to keep the children happy. But it is sure going to be hard. Sometimes it seems almost impossible. I really really miss you! I wish so badly that this new years was more like last year when we were able to run down the streets together trying to make as much noise as possible to annoy the neighbors. I hate knowing that we never get to do that again. I know a new year should be something that brings hope and a spirit of renewed strength, and tomorrow it probably will, but for now it just makes me unhappy that I have to keep moving forward. I just wish time could stop, that I could be done before having to take on 2011 too. But that isn't life. Life never stops, and I just have to get strong enough to handle it...
Anyways, Happy new years honey. I don't know what it will bring, but I will try to make it great for our children.
Thanks for letting me mope for a minute...
I love you and miss you terribly,
Jenny

Christmas Eve

Dear Michael,

Christmas Eve was pretty fun. It wasn't anything like we had planned for it to be, we stayed here instead of going to your families home and you weren't here with us, but it was still very enjoyable. This year was supposed to be the "away" year for our whole family. Kara was in California, but Scott and Amber were able to spend Christmas eve with us and brought their whole family along for the party. :) It was nice to just hang out and eat great food while the kids ran around and had fun playing with each other. We had the most delicious dinner; steaks, potatoes, rolls, and salad. Then we ate Amber's frozen pie deserts which were sooo yummy! I loved the mint flavored ones. :) I could have eaten a whole pie by myself.

After our laid back dinner we went downstairs and I told the Christmas story to the 2 year old's because my Mom told me I had too.  Apparently I am the best at translating into 2 year old-ese. I used the soft nativity and the story went something like this:
Once upon a time there was a woman named Mary who was going to get married to a man named Joseph. One day and Angel appeared to her and told her she was going to have a baby. Then she told Joseph and he said "I'm not sure how about that". But then the angel appeared to him and said "its ok, she is going to have a baby and your going to name him Jesus." Then they had to go Bethlhem to pay money to the king. But so many people where there that there wasn't any room at the hotel. So they went knock knock knock (I would use the doll to knock on each of the girls tummy's) and said "do you have room for us" then the inn keeper would say "no we don't have any room for you." So finally they ended up in a barn where animals like horses lived. Then Pop! out came Mary's baby (that was inspired by Little E saying Little M "pop came out" the morning I had him.) The angel's sang songs and told the Sheperds to go look for him under the star. The wise men saw the star too and came on their cammel to give him gifts. And that is why we celebrate Christmas. Because its Jesus' birthday party.

That isn't exactly how it went but its close. The girls really liked my knocking on their tummy's and all three wise men riding on one camel. It was really a fun story for them.

After we finished with the story we played duck duck goose for a while. Scott, Kevin, and I were right in the circle with the girls and it was so funny to watch them scream and run around when they were the goose. They still don't get the game all the way and will run any which way if you let them. So I had to guide them around the circle and often ended up snatching Little E as she ran past to get her into her seat before Kevin or Scott caught her. We all had a great time. :)

After the game we went upstairs and let the girls and Little M open a few gifts. Kevin and Laura had hand sewn towels for each of them. There was a duck for Little E, a pig for Little A, and an elephant for Little M. They were so great and the girls were really excited. :) Then Little E and Little M got to open their Christmas p.j.'s. Little E's were in a Dora backpack and she was pretty excited about that too.

Then it was time to put out Santa's cookies and the reindeer's carrots and put the girls to bed. Little E aloud me to put out a couple of her toys that she helped "clean up" for Santa. They are supposed to talk to him and tell him she takes good care of them so he will leave her more toys. This is a tradition from Michael's family, but she wasn't so sure about it this year. She had it in her head that Santa was going to take those toys away and leave her new ones to replace them and she really didn't want him too. It took a lot of coaxing and me choosing toys that weren't her favorites to finally get that part of the night done. :) She is so funny!

Once the girls where asleep the adults stayed up late and watched date night. It was a pretty funny movie and I enjoyed it. But I was very excited to get to bed when it was done. I was pretty darn tired by that point.

Anyways, Merry Christmas Eve honey. I know its a week late, but I kindof feel like you were ther watching over us all anyways. I think that's part of the reason it went so smoothly and that I felt so happy the whole time. Thank you for that. :)

Love,
Jenny

P.S. The stockings have a fun story behind them. Our first Christmas we went and bought stockings at the dollar store. Then we came home and embroidered them for each other. I did Michael's and he did mine. We sat in the living room of our first little apartment together laughing and talking while we sewed. Then we gave them to each other. I had drawn on a cute M with swirls and did a pretty good job on it for having never embroidered anything before in my life. I am using it for Little M now.

Michael used the same technique he would use to stitch up a hole in his pants. When he finished and handed it too me we realized he had done the J backwards. We both laughed and I told him to leave it because it would make me happy for years to come. So he did. It makes me smile every time I see it. :) I absolutely treasure it! I love remembering him with his tongue sticking out a little holding the thread and needle in his big hands trying to make my J. Oh how I miss those hands...

A Great Big Thank You!

Dear Neighbors and Angels,

This post is to thank all of the wonderful people who have made my holiday wonderful instead of the sad and upsetting thing I expected it to be. I have been blessed by so many anonymous people this Christmas along with my friends and family. It seemed like every time I came home (I spent most of the Holiday at my Mom's because it was just to hard to be here without Michael...) there was another gift on my door step! There are so many thoughtful and kind people in this world! I can't post about all of the gifts because there just isn't time (Little M only gives me a few minutes to post at a time) but here is a small sample.

While I was down in Provo I got a call from a friend telling me there was a large gift on my door step. She was kind enough to put it inside for me and when I came home I saw this!

It was the 12 days of Christmas. I was so surprised and it was such a cute idea that I just had to share it. Here is a list of all of the gifts that were included in the basket. Each one had a paper attached that read like the song. This list came from the 12th day:

On the 12th day of Christmas my neighbors gave to me

12 Christmas Tree Cakes

Eleven Tiny Oranges

10 Festive Pencils

9 Chocolate Truffles

8 Shiny Baubles

7 Candy Canes

6 Santa Socks

5 Silly Toys

4 Cards to Make

3 Snowman Towels

2 Mugs of Cocoa

And a CD that's very Cheery!

I couldn't beleive how much each of these little gifts meant to me. It was so nice to have something fun to look forward to doing every day with Little E. :) Thank you so much to whoever it was that gave it to us!


Another gift I received this Christmas came from a woman widowed a year ago, 2 weeks before she had her third child. It was this beautiful willow tree ornament called "remember". It truly meant so much to me. I will always always remember and treasure those memories. It brings me hope to see that others have made it through this same trial and helps me feel that I will too, in time.

Thank you again to everyone who has helped to make this season bright for my children and I this year. It really was a magical Christmas, and I am amazed at the kindness and love this world has to offer us. I wish I could thank you all individually and face to face, but since I can't this will have to do. :) Thank you!

Love,
Jenny

Dear Black Denim,

I just saw my dad's walkie talkie sitting on the shelf and it brought back some fun memories from our first year of marriage. We got married in October and were living in the Apple Tree apt complex. I remember Winter came and we bought ourselves a pair of walkie talkies to use on our shopping trips to Winco. We would go our separate ways in the store and check off our list over the walkie talkies so we could get out of there sooner. We often did this after a trip to the temple. I remember we had a goal to go to the temple at least 2 times a month at that point. Anyways, we would go shopping and we had code names that you had made up. You were "black denim" and I was "hot leather". lol I remember at one point we accidentally got onto the same frequency as the store used and you spent half our trip messing with the people on the other end. :)

The other funny memory I have was probably the second night we had them. You charged them up and decided to have some fun. You came casually out of the bedroom and leaned over to give me a kiss on the couch. Then you told me you were going to go check the mail. After you had left (this was the middle of winter so it was already dark) I started hearing spooky noises coming from behind me. Heavy breathing, growls, and other sounds. It scared me pretty bad but then I found the handset and started to tell you how naughty that was. You laughed until I said "did you take your key?" and you said "Yah..." but I could hear that you had started running. I jumped up and locked the door and laughed when you tried to get in. Like I said, it was winter time and it was cold outside. I waited a minute or two for you to learn your lesson and finally let you back in. You never tried to pull that trick on me again. lol But you sure did enjoy scaring the paste out of me when I was in the shower! I eventually learned to lock the bathroom door if I was showering when you were on your way home. You were such a stinker sometimes. ;)

Anyways, I just wanted to write down that memory while I was thinking about it because I hadn't remembered that one in years! I love you and wish you were still here to scare me and play practical jokes on me.

Love,
Hot Leather.

Somebody Loved

Dear Michael,
I have been going through the computers "random stuff" file you made trying to figure out what everything is and if its important or not. While I went through it I found this note:

"Somebody Loved"
-The Weepies


  C            Am        Em       G
Rain turns the sand into mud
 C              Am         Em          G
Wind turns the trees into bone
   C           Am      Em        G
Stars turning high up above
 F            G              C
You turn me into somebody loved.


  C              Am           Em     G
Nights when the heat had gone out
  C          Am      Em      G
We danced together alone
  C               Am          Em       G
Cold turned our breath into clouds
 C        Am       Em               G
We never said what we were dreaming of
  F                G              C
But you turned me into somebody loved.


  F                 G       C
Someday when we're old and worn
 Dm        C        F         G
Like two softened shoes
F                 G         C
I will wonder on how I was born
     Dm      C         F         G
The night I first ran away from you.


         C             Am         Em       G
Now my feet turn the corner back home
 C              Am       Em     G
Sun turns the evening to rose
  C            Am      Em       G
Stars turning high up above
 F           G              C
You turn me into somebody loved.


I love the line about the heat going out because it reminds me of the night when you decided to change our thermostat to a digital one. You couldn't figure out what wire went where and I got so frustrated that you had started that project on such a cold night. Little E was in bed and I didn't want her to get too cold. But you figured it out eventually and we all went to bed warm and toasty in the end. :)

This song also reminds me of Christmas last year. If I remember right you were helping your nephew and sister learn it for the family christmas talent show. I am hoping Missy can fill me in on more of the details in a comment or something. I loved listening to you learn new songs and really miss the music that used to fill my home. I love you so much and wish this Christmas were more like last years. Thank you so much for loving me and "turning me into somebody loved."
Your sweetheart,
Jenny

The Legacy Lives On! :)

I woke up this morning bright and early because Little M has decided that sleeping isn't really all that necisarry lately. So we were up at 7 and I decided to get ready for my day. When I put Little M down on the bed I realized that he already has his daddy's flair for camoflauge. :) Especially when he started pulling the pillow over his head so his face disapeared. It may be winter time but he was determined to find somewhere he could practice his skills.

I turned 3 months old!

This reminded me of a fun story of Michael a couple of summers ago. My nephews came up for a visit and they wanted to play with Michael. So he got all of his camouflage out and they dressed up and made a fort in the back yard to hide in. They actually made two forts. One was a decoy fort so they could have my Mom and Dad come out to find them and surprise them from behind when they went to the decoy. The boys had such a fun time and Michael really liked getting out and using his man skills. lol I think this was right after he had bought his new camouflage and he was so excited about it!

Michael and the boys using his camo. He is wearing his new camo that he was so excited about!

Hagin in the fort. Michael hated that monkey vine in our yard and was always battling it.

But it makes for great fort building material. :)

Grr!

Decoy Fort

Real Fort

The Sweet Little Moments

Dear Michael,

Today I had one of the best moments of being a mom ever. Little E has been getting so good about saying I love you to people. She says it all the time, but that also means it has become just "something she says" instead of it really meaning something. But that is not always the case. Today I was reading someone's Christmas letter on the floor and had a serious look on my face (my friends husband had cancer this year and so I was thinking about how hard that must have been...). Little E came up to me and slowly started stroking my hair. Then she looked at me and said "Jenny, I love you." in her wonderful little voice. I could tell she really really meant it. Then she said, "Do you want to snuggle me? Let's lay down on the floor and snuggle."
Can you tell that she is used to me breaking down and her having to cuddle and comfort me? I am sure she thought I was upset and needed her to help me feel better. It was so very sweet and I loved snuggleing her on the floor. We were only there a few seconds before Trek decided he needed to be cuddled too and she and I both giggled as he sniffed at us and tried to get us to love him too.

Anyway, I just wanted to write you and tell you about what a kind and loving daughter your little girl is growing up to be. She truly is my wonderful little angel.
I hope you are having a wonderful Christmas. We love you and miss you so much.
Love,
Jenny

Family News Letter 2010

Dear Friends and Family,

What an amazing year of ups and downs we have had. We started out the new year with a visit from Grandma and Grandpa McCullough. Michael and I had a great time taking them cross country skiing around Rigby lake while I pulled Little E in her new red sled. She was all bundled up so that she could barely see much less move and tended to drag one arm behind her so it looked like she was asleep but really she just thought it was fun to have her arm in the snow.

We spent new years eve playing hearts and then ran through the streets at midnight blowing our horns and pulling crackers while making as much noise as possible. I am sure our neighbors weren’t very appreciative of our holiday cheer but it sure was fun!

In January we decided to go visit Michael’s sister Jen. Right before leaving we decided to take a pregnancy test because Michael wanted to just for fun. We had been trying for a few months and nothing had really happened yet. As we were waiting for the results he looked up from packing and said “wouldn’t it be funny if it was positive?” I looked at the test and just replied “look at it”. Needless to say, it was positive! We were both a little freaked out and had to try to hide it for the whole trip to his sisters and back. It was a fun trip and we really enjoyed hanging out with the family.

In February we were sitting around trying to figure out what to give each other for valentines day. Then we came up with the best idea. We would give each other tickets to the Muse concert in April! They were coming to Salt Lake City and we had been listening to their music together for our whole marriage dreaming of hearing them live. We bought the tickets and waited in anticipation for the day to come. Finally we were able to leave Little E with Nana and make the mad dash through the snow to our hotel. Jen and Jay were able to come to and we had such a blast! Michael was so happy after we went and wouldn’t take their cd out of the car for over a month afterward. It really helped to get him through the blahs he was dealing with at work. The end of the school year was always hard for him. He was pretty anxious to get to summer time and have some fun.

Easter was pretty fun this year. We celebrated it at my parents house with the family and we were able to borrow a real live bunny for the day from our friends the Mortimers. The kids thought it was so fun! Little E wanted to hold it the whole time but her cousin Rori just wanted to admire it from a distance. She doesn’t really like getting her hands dirty. :)
This was the first year that Little E really got the whole egg hunt idea and she had such a great time trying to find all of the eggs in the yard. She also enjoyed her goodies in her basket. We gave her fishy crackers and craisins instead of candy this year but she was happy just to have the cool eggs to open and close.

In May we celebrated Michael’s 31st birthday. He was a little freaked out because he always felt like he would never reach 30 and here he was turning 31. He had been sure that he would go out in a blaze of glory long before reaching “old age” as he called it. We celebrated by going with my family to Green Canyon, a swimming pool that is fed by hot springs. Little E had such a great time swimming with her daddy and he really enjoyed it too. He had so much fun trying to teach her how to swim and going under the water to blow bubbles for her. It was a really laid back but fun birthday party. The next week we celebrated Little E’s second birthday and had a laid back party with plenty of family and cake and she had a great time. 


The day before his birthday we got an extra special gift this year. We had our ultrasound and found out that we were having a little boy! Michael and I were both in shock. He had always told me that he was sure he would only have girls and that the McCullough name would end with him. Suddenly all new doors were open to him that he never thought would be. We were both a little scared because we already knew how to raise a girl, but a boy would be all new. On the drive home Michael started getting over the shock and talked about how much fun he would have raising this boy right. Showing him  how to use all the weaponry he had collected and teaching him how to camp, fish, and woo women. lol

We undertook a pretty big project this spring. I decided I wasn't’ bringing a baby home to a bathroom that had mold issues (ours had mold all through the grout) and so we decided we would take a week to re-grout the shower tile. Little did we know that the project would take over 4 months and include redoing the entire bathroom. We found out the mold was all through behind the tile too so we pulled out the tub and tile to replace it with a whole new unit. This process was “fun” according to Michael. He had to break the cast iron tub in half to get it out. In the process he broke 3 sledgehammers in 5 minutes! Since we took out the tube we had to retile the foor, do a new sink, and retexture the walls. The hardest part of the project was the new fan. The old one had been wired in a weird way and it took us a whole week just to figure out how to get the new one to work right! We learned a lot of things, probably the most important of which was that a project is never as short and easy as you think it will be. I learned that accidently stepping on the water shut off valve can get you very wet very fast!


This year we were able to finally make use of our huge garden in the back yard. We had so much fun planting seeds in the newly tilled ground in bare feet. Little E “helped” a lot. She threw seeds all over, but her favorite part was just pushing the dirt around and jumping on the trampoline. The garden grew really well for us and we had a great crop of my favorite things, peas and string beans. Little E’s favorites were the raspberries. She would try to find ripe ones anytime she was aloud to be in the garden and would have eaten herself sick if I let her. Michael really looked forward to the ripe tomatoes. As he said after having the first one we got “I forget how good they are right off the vine. That is the only way to eat a tomato!”

This June Michael was able to take the “trip of a lifetime” as he called it. He and my dad flew in my dad’s little airplane up to Alaska! They spent the whole trip camping, fishing, hiking and chasing bears. Yes, that’s right, they chased bears. Crazy men! Michael even caught a big halibut and brought it home for us all to eat. Michael fell in love with the mountains and dreamed of someday moving us all out to Alaska so he could always enjoy that rugged beauty of the mountains and the ocean. He was always dreaming of cool new places for us to live and adventures we could have.

In July Michael decided to take a trip up to north Idaho and scuba dive for golf balls. He was so excited that he had found something he could do to earn some extra money that he would actually enjoy. He really loved scuba diving and couldn't get enough of the feeling he got when he reached zero buoyancy and it was almost like flying. He said the fish kept coming and checking him out to see what he was doing. During his second dive, something happened and instead of returning home to me, he went back home to our father in heaven. It has been a real struggle, but we have had a lot of help from friends and family and have been brought a lot of comfort from our faith.

The rest of the year has flown by in a cloud of paperwork and trying to find a new normal. But we have had one huge change that has blessed our lives incredibly. In September we were blessed by the birth of our baby boy. He is such a sweet tempered little boy. He sleeps well, coos, and laughs and smiles all the time. I am so in love with this sweet little boy already and couldn’t imagine my life without him. He is already growing so big, and is definitely taking after his daddy. We were able to have our whole family together for his blessing and so loved getting to spend time with them. We blessed him on Halloween and had a great time trick or treating as Little Bo Peep (Little E) and her sheep (Little M and I).

Little E has changed so much over the last year. She has grown from a barely talking 18 month old into a confident 2.5 year old who makes up her own songs about peanut butter sandwiches, Jesus, and Humpty Dumpty. Some of her favorite games are hide and seek (she can count to 20 on a good day) and ring around the rosies. She loved running through the sprinklers this summer with her daddy and really had a great time taking swimming lessons with him in June. She also likes going to story time on Wednesdays and has a lot of fun doing all of the fun songs. She is also really excited for Christmas. This is the first year she has understood what is coming and can’t wait for Santa to come.

Little E is such a good big sister and has been very soft with Little M and loves to hold him. She also decided she wanted to be potty trained over Thanksgiving and pretty much did it herself over a week and has been a champ at it ever since. I can’t believe what a big girl she has turned into and look forward to seeing all the changes the new year will bring. She just gets more and more fun and sweet. She has really taken such good care of me and makes me feel better on the sad days. I am so grateful for my sweet angel.

I hope you are all having a wonderful Holiday Season. Our Christmas card this year is very special because it is the only picture I have of our whole family. Since Little M was born after Michael passed away we were only able to have a picture by editing in Michael from a family picture we took when Little E was 9 months old. It is such a treasure and we hope you enjoy it too.

Happy Holidays! Love,
Jennifer, Little E, and Little M             

Deodorant

Dear Little E,
This memory is for you. :) I just put some good smelling lotion on your hands while I was getting you dressed and you looked at me and said "I'm going to put it on my armpits." with a big grin. This brought back a very funny memory of your daddy. I used to put my deodorant on in the morning and you would beg me to put it on you too. This was when you were about 18 months old. I would put the lid back on and tickle you with it on your arm pit. This worked well for a while, but then you asked your daddy to do his deodorant. He didn't put the lid on. Instead he just slathered it on your armpit and from then on you knew that it should feel wet and smell good afterward. I was so annoyed that he had actually used it on you because I couldn't get away with leaving the lid on mine anymore. But I always thought it was funny when I picked you up and you smelled like Old Spice "After Hours". lol

Love,
Mommy

The Weepies, World Spins Madly On.

Dear Michael,

Our good friend Carly emailed me this video last night. Not only is it beautiful, it does an amazing job of expressing some of the emotions that I have gone through over the past few months. I love it. Thank you Carly. :)


Thought of You from Ryan J Woodward on Vimeo.


"World Spins Madly On"

Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
I thought of you and where you'd gone
and let the world spin madly on

Everything that I said I'd do
Like make the world brand new
And take the time for you
I just got lost and slept right through the dawn
And the world spins madly on

I let the day go by
I always say goodbye
I watch the stars from my window sill
The whole world is moving and I'm standing still

Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
The night is here and the day is gone
And the world spins madly on

I thought of you and where you'd gone
And the world spins madly on.

I miss you. The world keeps spinning and I grow stronger, but the missing will never really go away. I just will become strong enough to handle it. I am actually grateful for that. It would seem wrong somehow if I ever stopped missing you. Like I was somehow betraying you. But I don't mind the pain decreasing. There is no way I could have lived my whole life with that much pain in my every day. It would have been unbearable.

The other part of the video that I really love is that it shows her grieving in the end too.  I had never thought about that before you passed away, but now I firmly beleive that there is grief on both sides of the veil. While I know that you are happy there, I am sure that you miss us too. I know you probably ache to hold your children and miss our kisses as much as we miss yours. I am sure you are looking forward to that beautiful day when we will be reunited again just as much as I do. :)

I hope you are succeeding in your mission there and that you can feel our love and support.

Love,
Jenny

Just a fun dream.

Dear Michael,

I had a fun dream about you last night. It was nothing amazing, but to me it was perfect. We were just hanging out talking and playing Rock Band. We had a great time and it was so nice to feel like I got to spend time with you. :)

I havent had many dreams about you, and during most of them the thought was always in the back of my mind that you were dead and it was just a dream. But I have started having nice ones like this were I forget for a little while and I just get to enjoy being with you. It makes me wake up happier.
I love you and hope to see you in my dreams again soon.

love,
Jenny

Pictures of Michael getting Rock Band from me on his 30th Birthday 2009.

Ready to Rock Out and have some fun! :)

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.

It truly amazes me how much of a difference a month can make. This time last month we didn't have any snow on the ground, the leaves were still on the trees in their brilliant yellows and oranges and the sky was almost always a stunning blue. Now the snow blankets the ground and there is a constant haze of clouds in the sky. Little E even commented on how blue the sky was on the one clear day we have had in the past few weeks. I think she really misses going outside more and will be very excited for winter to be over, just like the rest of us. But for now she enjoys eating snow whenever she has the chance, but she doesn't like how cold it gets her hands when she grabs it. She also enjoyed sledding for the first time down a hill the other day. I will blog more about that later when I have uploaded the pictures from my camera. Needless to say, she thought it was awesome. But I really missed you being there for that first. I was sure you would have been so excited to push her down the hill and watch her giggle and scream the whole way down.

One of the big differences this month has made is in my outlook on life. In the beginning of November I was in a pretty bad place. Most days were ok, but there were some real nasty ones mixed in. I wasn't even going to write about them, but I think it is a good idea for me to be able to look back and remember how bad it was so I can be grateful for how good its becoming. November 7th was a Sunday and it was one of the worst day's I have had so far. I was at our house and went to church just long enough to get the sacrament because Little E was sick and I didn't want to spread her germs to all the other little kids. My dad had come to help me get to church and back. After he dropped me off back at home, I went into our room to get dressed. That moment hit me so painfully. I walked into the room and looked at our bed and realized that you really aren't coming back. Most Sunday's we would get home from church and both throw our clothes on the bed, often we would eat something and then lie down for a nap together. I looked at your side of the room and wished so desperately that you could walk into the room and mess it up a little while exclaiming that you were starving. :)

Little E was in the other room entertaining herself with her doodle pad and I just collapsed into the bed and sobbed. I couldn't take it. There was just no way that you were never going to do those things again. It couldn't be possible. I didn't know how I would ever be able to move again. After a few minutes Little E came in and saw that I was crying. She tried to distract me and comfort me and I was finally able to get up. But I was still in one of my panic attack moments. I had to go somewhere, do something, find you somehow! There needed to be a place that I could feel you. I finally thought of a place I hadn't looked yet. It was the place we liked to hike in the summer by Kelly Canyon. I thought of all the wonderful times we had shared there and thought surely if I made the effort to haul both our kids up there and hike the trail I would feel something. Have some kind of reassurance that you were near.

So I put everything into the car with tear filled eyes and tried to find my way up to that stupid mountain. I don't know what it is about that place but even though I have lived her all my life I can never find it or find my way home without getting lost a few times in the process. I found it by asking directions when my map proved to be too confusing and drove quickly up the road to the trail. The whole time I was driving I secretly hoped that something would happen to us on the way. Maybe we would get in an accident with another car or lose control and go off the road. It was frightening how much I really wanted to die in that moment. I don't want anyone to think that I would ever consider killing myself, but at that moment I really wished someone or something else would do the job for me. It was just too painful to imagine going on that way. I even scared the pants off of my sister with a message I left for her on her phone. It was fairly innocent sounding, I just said "Hi, I am going up to Kelly Canyon for a hike with the kids. I just wanted you to know so that if you couldn't get a hold of me you wouldn't worry." but what she heard was, "Here is the place to send the search party." She is pretty perceptive sometimes...

Anyways, after my panic stricken drive up to the mountain I finally pulled up next to the trail. No one else was there and I quickly put Little M in the wrap on my front and Little E in the hiking backpack on my back. She was all excited to go for a hike and Trek was pretty happy too. I even wore your hat because I thought somehow it might help me feel like you were there too. I huffed and puffed my way up the trail, back and forth across the stream, and got about a half mile up to near where we took that picture. It was very pretty, but kind of cold and I knew I couldn't go much further carrying both kids. So I let Little E down to play near the stream and look at the little water falls.

Its really funny but even though I didn't "feel you there" I did feel better. Part of it was just the exertion and that I was doing something instead of just holding still and grieving, but it did help. I slowly started to calm down enough to consider going back to my parents house. I knew I wouldn't be able to handle going home yet. Right about that time a nice man came up the trail. He looked at me and said "What are you doing up here with two kids by yourself?" and I explained my situation. The poor guy was pretty shocked and wanted to give me some money, but I told him how well you had taken care of us and said that if he really wanted to help he could help me get Little E back up on my back. It was pretty tough getting her there by myself. He did and I hiked back down. There were  a couple of horse back riders getting ready to head up the trail and Little E had a good time petting them before we got in the car. Then we finally headed back down the mountain... and got lost for over an hour... I really hate that drive! The worst part was that Little E was throwing a fit the whole time over a berry that I hadn't let her keep. She is holding it in her hand in this picture. She called it baby berry and I was nervous she would eat it while I was driving and not watching her so I made it a little bed and put a leaf over it like a blanket trying to appease her even though she couldn't have it... my plan didn't work. I just ended up with a screaming toddler in the car. :(

Anyways, that was one of the worst days yet, and I am truly amazed at how different I feel now, a month later. This week I am doing pretty good. I am slowly coming to grips with the reality of your absence and I realized something important. I don't need you. I know that sounds terrible, but it is important for me to know. I don't need you. I really really want you, and I wish you were here all of the time, but I can and need to do this without you here. I don't have a choice. That's the ugly truth I have to face. So its important for me to remember that "I can do hard things." I also am realizing that I have so much help around me. My parents are willing to do anything I need, my sister and her husband help Little E to feel like her family is complete and are great at distracting me. My ward is truly amazing, I am getting invitations to do things all the time (I haven't been able to do most of them because we all keep getting SICK! Blah. I can't wait until winter is over and we are healthy most of the time again.) So with all of this help available, I am coming to grips with me having to live without you, and living with the fact that I can do that. That I am going to do that and that I will enjoy my life even without you here. I know that this is a good point and that I will most likely plummet back down on my constant roller coaster ride in the near future, but I wanted to point out to myself how different I can feel in such a short time. Because someday I will probably need the reminder.

I love you so much. I miss our long hikes together, talking about all of the cool things in nature and the wonderful plans we had for our future. I miss so much about our life together. Little E asks for daddy stories every night now. She loves hearing about you and when she wakes up in the night she begs for more stories. She really misses you too. Tonight I told her about our last Saturday together and you swimming under the kayak and blowing bubbles like she had in her bath tonight. She laughed and laughed and told me she remembered that. I think that she remembers more than I realize. I hope that she can hold on to those memories. I will try to help her be able to. I want her to always know how much she meant to you.

Love,
Jenny

The Rule of 25

Dear Michael,

A couple of nights ago Little M decided that he wasn't going to sleep from 4-5 in the morning. You know, he was too busy trying to get out a little gift for me and then he needed to eat but was too awake after doing his business to fall back asleep quickly. So while he was all awake I turned on a National Geographics special about Yellowstone. I am still so sad we never made our trip there this summer. I really wanted to visit it with you, we tried to go for an anniversary and a during the summer but it just never happened. But I guess you can visit it whenever you want to now so it doesn't really matter. And I will take our children there soon so they can see it too.

Anyways, the show talked about yellowstones rivers and waterfalls and wildlife. It also talked about the wildfires that take place there. I remember learning about the huge fires in my collage classes and how we learned that it was important to let small fires burn so that the whole park doesn't end up burning like in 1988.

Scientists have learned a lot about the good that forest fires do for the environment since that time. The show talked about something called the "Rule of 25". This rule refers to how each tree burns for an average of 25 seconds. This is the perfect amount of time for the fire to do its job. It melts the resin in each pine cone so that the cone can release its seeds. Too much longer and the seeds burn up, not long enough and the resin doesn't melt so the seeds are trapped. This made me think about trials in our lives. Specifically this trial in my life. I started pondering the scriptures on the "refiners fire."

3rd Nephi 24:3 And he shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver; and he shall ^apurify the ^bsons of Levi, and purge them as gold and silver, that they may ^coffer unto the Lord an offering in righteousness.

I started to think about how we each have to go through our own refining fire. This fire seems to do massive amounts of damage, but really it is purifying us. It helps to open up our seeds of potential and create people who are more compassionate and understanding. We become more humble, loving, and obedient to our heavenly father. God is a very good refiner. He doesn't set us in the fire and then forget about us. Like the trees we burn for just the right amount of time. We can't burn for such a short time that we never learn what we needed from our trial, and he won't let us burn so long that we are destroyed by the flames. I am grateful for that fact. I know that this is a very difficult flame to bear, but I am so grateful to know that Heavenly father loves me enough to watch closely and he won't make it more than I can handle. Even though it may feel like it at times...

I love you so much. I wish I could call you up on the phone and tell you about my thoughts and the things I am learning through this process of grief, but I can't. So I will continue to write you instead. I miss you so much. I love you forever!
Love,
Jenny

Gratitude and a Precious Gift

Dear Michael,
Happy Thanksgiving. I missed you a lot this Holiday, less so during the time that was busy with family and friends, but so much during the quiet time. Especially today... we went to Craigos pizza for dinner. It was fun to get out and eat with Little E and talk with my sisters and Mom and Dad, but it brought back a lot of memories and I missed you so much. I couldn't help looking over at the booth we had eaten together in last time we went. I miss you so much, and I also miss the person that I was then. That girl that was so happy and didn't have a gaping hole that can't seem to heal. I also had to laugh as I pulled into the parking lot and stopped near where I was sick when pregnant with Little E. I couldn't make it inside to the restroom and some people walked past in the parking lot. You looked at them and signaled to them that I had been drinking and that was why I was sick! You stinker. lol We really did have so many great times there. Lots of fun conversations and laughter. I miss your laugh...

I am trying very hard to maintain my grateful outlook on life during these holidays. It is very hard to watch my sisters and see them snuggled up next to their husbands and know that I don't get that this year, but I still have so much to be grateful for. I just have to keep reminding myself of that.

I was looking through your computer a little while ago and found a talk you gave last year at this time. It was all about gratitude. I needed to read it. It really helped me to keep things in perspective yesterday. I thought I would share it here so that your sisters and mom could read it.


Gratitude

    When I was younger I read a book called “The Celestine Prophecies”.  In this story the main character James was on a daring adventure to reach a greater knowledge.  Along his way James was told the key to opening the floodgate of this hidden knowledge. It was to recognize the beauty in an object, person, or idea.  Once the seeker had done this, his perception of the world would change and he would be able to see how the world really was.
    This story was fiction, but I felt it did have many truths to it.  For a disciple to come before the throne of God in prayer they must first be grateful.  To be grateful one needs to recognize that everything comes from God. Everything bares his fingerprints.  Carl Sagan said, “ If you want to create an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.”   Every thing that is around us, every bug, every blade of grass, every blessing, and every trail has been created through his will, And God does not do poor work, there is beauty in all of it when properly understood.
    As a teacher I have seen this principle in my classroom.  I teach several different periods of science.  One period shows an active interest in what I am teaching, they ask questions, and are excited to learn more.  Of course I’m excited to give them more and so I am able to explain new exciting theories, inventions, and ideas that they won’t be introduced to until they are in college.  One of my other classes rarely ask questions and much of my time is spent trying to keep their attention and keep them on task, while their time and opportunity for learning and greater knowledge is lost because of their complacency.  But gratitude is the antidote to the poison of complacency.  Gratitude shows us that we are in need and moves our soul to repay those who we are indebted to. King Benjamin said to his people, “ For behold, are not we all beggars? Do we not all depend upon the same being, even God, for all the substance which we have, for both food and raiment, and for gold, and for silver, and for all the riches which we have of every kind? 
 In one of my favorite movies one of the main characters says, “ My father once told me everyone you see, everyone you know is asleep, but those few who are awake spend their lives in constant wonder”.  Once you can see the world that God has created then you are ready for him to give you more.
    Gratitude can be broken up into many parts. The part I want to focus on is having gratitude as a part of your paradigm.  A paradigm is the window through which you view the world.  Grief, despair, and disinterest, can tint our view making us see an ugly, bleak landscape, void of happiness, beauty, joy and kindness.  But when we fill our hearts with happiness, thank those who are kind to us, and strive to give to others the kindness that has been given us, our paradigm window becomes bright, clear, and in focus! Acts of love that have been show to you jump out where you had only perceived anger.
    When your view of the world changes in this way it is called a paradigm shift.  One example of such shifts is found in the story of the conversion of Alma the Younger.  When Alma was young he had fallen away from the church and was actively pursuing its destruction.  One day while on the road an angel appeared to him to warn him of his destruction if he did not change his ways.  Alma then fell into unconsciousness, while he was in this state he said he was, “ Racked with torment, while I was harrowed up by the memory for my sins, behold I remembered also to have heard my father prophesy unto the people concerning the coming of the son of God, to atone for the sins of the world.  Now, as my mind caught hold upon this thought, I cried with in my heart; O Jesus, thou Son of God, Have mercy on me, who am encircled about by the everlasting chains of death!  And now behold, when I thought this I could remember my pains no more… And oh, what joy, and what marvelous light did I behold; yea my soul was filled with joy as exceeding was my pain.”  Alma’s paradigm of life was forever altered through the power of the atonement.  Where his window was distorted by sin, and disbelief, now was clear with truth and joy!  These shifts should be prayed for and sought after.  Richard Bach said, “ Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they’re yours!”  This goes for the way you view life.  If you insist upon seeing gloom, there will only be gloom. If you say there is light, there will be light through even the darkest times of your life.  As the duchess of Windsor said when asked what is the secret of living a long and happy life, “Fill what is empty, empty what is full, and scratch where it itches.”
    It is my hope brothers and sisters, that we can fill our hearts with hope and gratitude for our lord and master, that we can empty our souls of grief and despair, and lift and give balm to those who are in need, so that we may have a long and happy life!  In the name of our lord Jesus Christ amen.    
Michael-November 2009






Today I am grateful for the gifts I have been given. For the words that you left for me to find, the family I have to hold me up and support me, my wonderful ward who are loving and helpful, and a loving savior who made it possible for me to live happily with you again someday. I will try to maintain my gratitude attitude as much as possible. It seems like the times I have been happiest lately are the times that I am focused on being thankful for what I have, instead of focusing on what I have lost.

One thing that I am extremely grateful for is the talent my friends have and their willingness to share. One of my good friends wanted to help make me a new family portrait with my whole family in it. I never would have thought of that without her suggestion. However, she just had a new baby and I didn't want to distract her from loving on that precious new boy. They just change so fast and are little for such a short time... So I went and did a photo session a week or so ago with my other friend Jill Aponte. She has done such amazing work for our family and I am so grateful for all of the wonderful pictures she has given me, but most of all for this precious gift of a picture of all of us together. It is something I never thought I would get and I am so so happy to have it!

Happy Thanksgiving! I love you and miss you so much!
Love,
Jenny

Car shopping and Knocking on Wood.

Dear Michael,

A lot has happened in the last couple of weeks. I will only tell you about a few of them right now because I hope to get to bed a little early tonight so I can feel like a real person instead of a zombie tomorrow morning.

First of all I want to tell you about our new car! I have been looking for a new car for over 3 months now trying to figure out what I wanted and what would make my life easier instead of more complex. I really liked the Toyota Rav 4 because it seemed like it would be a good family car but it also had a cool outdoorsy look to it that fit our family. But in the end I settled on the less cool looking but totally awesome Chrysler Town and Country van. I know, we only have 2 kids and shouldn't need a van, but it had some real perks that I just couldn't let slip away. First, it could carry our whole family plus my sister and her kids. Since you passed away we seem to travel in a "pack." I have a hard time facing the simplest trip to the store or library without some form of backup. So its really nice to be able to take just one car but have all the support I need to make it through an outing.
The other feature that totally sold me on this car is the doors that open themselves at the push of a button. I know it sounds like I am totally spoiling myself with this feature, but it was more about safety than anything else. A little girl was killed in a parking lot nearby recently and the idea of losing another member of our little family tortures me. I love the idea of being able to open the door in a parking lot by just pushing a button while keeping a hold of each of our kid's hands so they can't get away from me. It just seemed worth it to have that little extra peace of mind. I don't know what I would do if something happened to either of my precious angels. Like your mom told me, after something like this happens to you, you put a lot less trust in "statistics" and often feel like something could happen at any moment. This feature really helps to sooth my anxiety... plus its just really cool! :)

Well, as I said I have been car shopping for a while now and when I finally narrowed it down to this van I took it for a day long test drive. I took it shopping to make sure I liked how it loaded up with groceries, parked it in the garage to see if it fit, and hauled my sister and her daughter off to the cemetery, or "daddy's place" as we call it, to visit you and give you a gift. I hope you like it. Its a solar light to help me find you if I visit after dark... So after all of this test driving I hauled everyone back home and took the car back to the dealership (a half hours drive away). I pulled into the parking lot, got out of the car, and realized that I had left my cars keys at home and had no way to get it unlocked and get back home! I felt so stupid and couldn't beleive that I had taken the keys off my belt loop without realizing that I would need them to get back after I dropped the car off! Doh!!
So I called my dad and he grabbed the spare key from his house and drove it down to me so I could get my car home. When he arrived at the dealership a half hour later and I tried the key I realized it was that weird key that only opened the trunk of our Honda Accord and started the engine... that's right. It wouldn't' open any of the doors to get into the car! So dad and I opened the trunk and fiddled with it until I got the back seat to fold down a bit. The sales people were totally laughing as I used my amazing yoga skills to try to climb in the trunk and past the seat so that I could unlock a door. The biggest problem was that I had Little M's car seat base still in the car so the seat only folded halfway down. It was so awkward and when I finally got the door unlocked it took me a few minutes to manage to get myself out of the trunk! So far there have only been a few times that I feel like you have been nearby, and I am sure that you were standing there laughing as you watched me try to get back out. lol There is no way that you ever would have fit!

The other thing I wanted to tell you about was some new things I have learned about grief lately. I read a very interesting definition the other day that I found very insightful. Loss is when we lose hopes and dreams that are core to our existence. Grieving is the process we go through that forces us to let go of old hopes and dreams to get new hopes and dreams that are now obtainable. I thought about this for awhile and came up with an analogy that kind of fits. I feel like a spider caught in my own web. I spent years spinning my web, my home. Creating dreams and plans out of silken threads, making it beautiful and just the way I wanted it to be. My web was comfortable and perfect. But suddenly, all of those dreams and plans became something unobtainable. I found myself caught in the silken threads that used to be what held me up. Those dreams and hopes became something that tortures me because they can't be... and we were such dreamers. There are an awful lot of threads holding me fast in this trap. So slowly, day by day, I have to cut my beautiful threads in order to break free. It is hard to cut through even the smallest one, but I don't really have a choice. It is a job that I have to do because I can't remain trapped here forever...

I have talked with several friends on the process of grieving and also read some good books and talks. One book had a very interesting thought in it. You know how important I feel food storage is. I always wanted our family to be "prepared for the worst" and have tried to continually build our supply and knowledge so that we would be able to take care of ourselves in an emergency. Well one of the books I read pointed out the fact that we should also have "spiritual food storage", meaning we should prepare ourselves spiritually for when we need to go through the process of grieving. Often our society pretends that nothing can happen to us, we try to ignore the possibilities because if we do maybe they will go away. The author recommended that instead of ignoring these possibilities we should prepare for them to happen. Because if you think about, eventually everyone loses someone close to them. We all die. It is just a matter of time. We should try to prepare ourselves for this inevitable trial so that it will be easier when it finally happens. I wish I would have prepared more, but I am grateful for the small supply I was able to gather before this storm hit. I have also realized how my trial has blessed other peoples lives as they use it to build their own spiritual food storage for the future.

This was one of my favorite songs growing up, I never paid attention to the lyrics before, but it really fits with this idea.




Love,
Jenny

Ps. Your baby boy is smiling and cooing at me. He is so utterly kissable! As my sister says, you can't keep from kissing him if your are holding him. Its like his head is a magnet! Thank you for helping prepare such a perfect angel to join our little family!

A Valentine

Dear Michael,

You are such a romantic at heart. :) I love that about you! I was looking through your Ipod a couple of nights ago, I am slowly learning to use the thing and looking through each ap to see if there is anything you wrote or left in it. One of the aps is called "Love Poems". I had to laugh a little when I saw that one. I remember you downloading it and reading a couple of them to me. It wasn't too long ago. I would guess it was in June...

Well, when I opened up that ap there was the last poem you had looked up. I remember you reading it to me and liking it then. But it has much more significance now. I read it and it was almost like you had left it just for me to find. Thank you so much for this sweet valentine.

A Valentine to My Wife

by EUGENE FIELD

Accept, dear girl, this little token,

And if between the lines you seek,

You'll find the love I've often spoken

The love my dying lips shall speak.

Our little ones are making merry

O'er am'rous ditties rhymed in jest,

But in these words (though awkward very)

The genuine article's expressed.

You are as fair and sweet and tender,

Dear brown-eyed little sweetheart mine,

As when, a callow youth and slender,

I asked to be your Valentine.

What though these years of ours be fleeting?

What though the years of youth be flown?

I'll mock old Tempus with repeating,

"I love my love and her alone!"

And when I fall before his reaping,

And when my stuttering speech is dumb,

Think not my love is dead or sleeping,

But that it waits for you to come.

So take, dear love, this little token,

And if there speaks in any line

The sentiment I'd fain have spoken,

Say, will you kiss your Valentine?


This poem reminded me of the way that you used to jokingly ask me "Will you marry me?" over and over again. You would pop down on one knee or leave me a note, or just wisper it in my ear while we were doing the dishes together. This continued for our entire marriage. I always answered the same as I will for your final question... "Again and again and again!" It was our little joke but I always meant it. I would marry you again and again if I could. There was a time during some of my really bad days that I wondered if I would have chosen not to have married and loved you in order to avoid the pain I have had to feel at losing you. The answer came to me quickly. It was a resounding no! I am so glad for the five short years we had together. I would do it all over again even knowing how it ended. But that is just it, it isn't the end. I get you for eternity. So yes Michael, I will kiss my Valentine. Again and again as soon as I am with you on the other side of the veil... and hopefully in my dreams before then! I am so glad to know that your love is "not dead or sleeping" and that you are anxiously waiting for our reunion too.
I love you so much!
Jenny

The Spirit World.

Dear Michael,

Today has been a really good day. I have been reading and listening to several talks/books on death and the spirit world. It has brought me a lot of comfort to read the doctrine myself and to learn more about what a beautiful place you are in now. I still miss you terribly, but it is comforting to learn that you are nearby and love me even more deeply than you did while you were still alive. One talk I listened to was given at the education week we were supposed to attend this summer together. I never made it because it was during the time that Little E and I got so sick, but one of your old friends gave me the title to this talk and it has helped me so much today. One of the things that I have been concerned about is how much you are still you if that makes sense. If you still like what you used to, have the same sense of humor etc. This talk addressed that issue and so many others that have wandered through my mind over the past few months. I am very grateful to your friend for sending it my way.





Here is the link if you want to watch it on the original web site.
http://www.byutv.org/watch/306-1501

I love you, I am so glad to know that you are nearby and that you are so happy.
Jenny

Yard work and more

Dear Michael,

I am really missing you tonight. It has been a hard 24 hours. Last night Little E woke me up over and over again because she has a cold and didn't want to go back to sleep after coughing fits woke her. By the end of the night I was in tears missing you and being able to pass her off to you when I couldn't take anymore. Since I couldn't cry on your shoulder I used your shirt to dry my tears.

By the time morning came I had a better outlook on life. I got a good couple hours in at the end and wasn't too exhausted when I got up. Little E and I just chilled most of the morning and watched netflix. Then we took a shower together. She and I talked about the last shower you took with us and how she gave you kisses and snuggled you. She added that you tickled her. :) When she adds details like that it gives me hope that she remembers more of you than I think and will keep those memories close. We blew bubbles using soap the way that you used to and she giggled and giggled. It was a fun moment, but it also reminded me of what was missing from the moment...

I also finally charged your IPod touch back up today and started slowing looking though it. It makes me feel like you should still be here. It still had your searches entered, notes written, the last calculation you had done on the calculator, the last scripture you had read (2 Nephi chpt 5), and the last song you had listened to (Clare de Lune, it was your alarm clock).  One thing that made me so happy was when I found a note you had written on your trip to Alaska. It was basically a journal entry containing everything from the first 2 days. The rest of your trip you emailed me about. I am going to compile them into a blog entry and post pictures from your trip. It was something you had planed on doing, but I never gave you time before you had to leave for North Idaho. It was so nice to read a new thing from you. When I find those it is almost like I get you back for just a minute.

Then my mom came and let me go vote and also helped me to get in enough of a nap so that I wouldn't kill either of our children due to lack of sleep. For which I am very grateful. By the end of the night last night I was relating way to much to the following video.




After my nap my sweet brother came and his family helped me to get the yard and garage ready for winter. It was a fun FHE and we got a lot done. Even though I was just doing yard work, it made me ache from missing you. You were always the one to be out there getting things weeded, mowed, raked up, and cleaned up. I took down your bug zapper that you loved and were so excited to get. Then I cleaned up the patio, which still had everything we had cleaned out of the garage and put there to sort through. I never got around to finishing up that task and it was hard to realize that the last person who had moved those things was you. I really wish you were here to help me with these mundane everyday chores. I miss watching you obsessively pulling up weeds and clover from the lawn until your fingers turned green, I miss seeing you mow the lawn, I miss you banging around in the garage on some project. It is really hard to know that you won't ever use any of those tools again, that your gloves will go unused and that the clover will probably never be battled again...

After we finished the yard work, the girls treated me to diner at a nearby restaurant. It was the one that I worked at while dating you. I really haven't been there in years, and it has changed hand since then. It surprised me how little it had changed since then. I was hit by a wave of memories from that first summer we spent together. You coming down to have diner there just so you could see me for a few more minutes during the day, you waiting for me in the parking lot with the invader zim shirt you got me as a gift, your face proposal in the foyer after you had my ring re-sized (the people eating there were so shocked when I quickly said yes, gave you a kiss, and you walked out the door! lol I had to reassure them that you had already proposed and that you had just been fooling around.)  I thought about our date there where we had the whole second level to ourselves. You had file minion and loved it. It was always one of your favorite meals and you considered it to be such a treat. I miss our dates, it was always so nice to just get to talk with you about everything. You were always such a deep thinker and enjoyed talking about everything from science to philosophy. Oh how I miss our talks.

Going to that restaurant made me so wish that I could go back to that happy time. That summer was one of the best of my life. We spent so much time together, and had so much fun. I used to get off of work and speed up to your apartment even though I would only have a few minutes until girls out to see you. You would greet me with a hug grin, hug, and kiss. We would sit and talk until I had to leave, and you didn't even mind that I smelled like hamburgers and laundry soap. I would often stay until curfew and would be so tired by the time I had to leave that you would worry about me getting home safely. Often you would call as soon as I left to talk to me on the phone and keep me awake on the road. You also lent me your cd "Muse- Absolution" to listen to on nights like that. The songs on that cd have made me think of that summer for years, now they will forever remind me of the fun we had together.

Well, I should probably go to bed because I am guessing that Little E will have another rough night and I don't want my inner devil to come out and try to smother her or something. I was just missing you and wanted to talk to you. This is the best I can do, and it often makes me feel a little better to write you this way.

I love you so much,  I am so grateful for all you did for me. The every day things that I always took for granted. I remember you talking to me this summer about how it seemed like I thought what you did wasn't important. I admit that at times I wanted you to work on other things that I considered to be more vital and important than the to do list you had created for yourself. Now that I am having to do all of the things you used to I realize how much work and effort you were really doing and that it was all to show me that you loved me. I was grateful then, even if it didn't seem like it, but I am so much more aware and grateful to your efforts now. I just wish you were here for me to tell you thank you one more time. To bring you a glass of Dr. Pepper with ice while you did yard work as a way to show my love. It is just so hard to not be able to do things for and with you...

Love,
Jenny