The One Year Mark

Dear Michael,

I can't believe a year ago today I wrote this post. What a difference a year can make. I think back to when I wrote that at 1:30 in the morning. I was in complete shock. Right after I wrote it I went downstairs to my old bedroom and passed through the most violent grief I have ever experienced in my life. I honestly wasn't sure the baby and I would survive it. It was terrifying. I thought about that night as I laid down in bed and quietly went to sleep by myself last night. This has become my life, and I have come to love it. 

A year later and I am now happy again. My body is in some of the best shape of its adult life, my mind is active and brings me thoughts of joy and gratitude, my testimony has recovered and grown, and I am filled with hope for the future. What a huge distance our little family has come in the last year. I hope you are proud of the progress we have made and the strength we are gaining from this experience.


A lot of people were very worried about me today, but this was actually a lot easier than last week. I was really struggling then because I dreaded yesterday, and I had learned our old dating grounds of Collage Ave were being torn down in a month. That was a huge blow to me. I went up and recorded all I could of it and cried to know it wouldn't be there for our children to see in person. But then I had three small miracles happen at the end of the week that were each little I love you's that I could tell you were sending my way. I wrote about them all in my journal, but feel they are too special and private to be shared on this blog. Thank you for each of them. I can't tell you how they strengthened me.

I thought long and hard about what to do today to remember you and make it easier on the family. A few days ago I felt inspired and made a plan. I hope you enjoyed the results. I don't have time this morning to write in to much detail, but here is how the day went. I woke up and did my workout (biked 6.5 miles, ran 15 min, walked 15 min.) at my Mom's. After that my nephew came over to help me make preparations for our afternoon plans. Then Lori and I went to the temple for a sealing session. Afterwords we came home and got the kids ready for the real fun out at the cemetery.  I hope no one will find the activity we did offensive, but it was just so perfectly you. I am sure you loved watching and joined in the laughter. :)

First we brought an entire cooler full of water balloons and let the younger kids hit them with the bat. The best part was when we let my "mature" father take a turn with pitching. He was so naughty! He kept throwing them at the adults and right at some of the kids instead of their bats. He had such a maniacal glint in his eye as he did it too. lol It was great!

Next we pulled out the big kid fun. All of my neighbors gave me their milk cartons and I filled them with water and brought out your machete, katana, and cukury (I have no idea how to spell that one). We all had a ball slicing them open in midair or setting them on top of your stone and disemboweling them Michael style. Our good friends Brodi and Dana were able to come and Brodi helped make it perfect. I couldn't help but laugh at his well practiced techniques and think back to how often we did this while living next door to each other. I know you must have been grinning from ear to ear just as we were. It couldn't have gone better and I was so glad that I found a way to make the day so much fun for all of us, but so entirely fitting. After all, this was one of your favorite pastimes.

I will post videos later but I just don't have time right now. We have been running crazy for weeks now!


We love you Michael. I am so grateful to have made it through the first year and to have had so much support from both sides of the veil. I like to think about this year as being one year closer to seeing you again. We miss you and love you so very dearly.

Love,
Jenny

Baby proof...

Dear Michael,

I really hope you are on duty for this little boy because I don't know how I am going to keep him from killing himself. Last Tuesday he choked down the bead decoration on my cell phone and we spent the afternoon in the ER getting an ex-ray to make sure it wasn't going to cause problems. It wasn't just a single bead either, it was 3 or 4 beads on a loop of wire about an inch long. This happened after I tried my hardest to get everything baby proofed on the main floor. I took away all small toys and everything I could find that might cause a problem. Then I let him play with my phone... stupid I know. After looking at the ex-ray the doctors said "this too shall pass" and  to go get another ex-ray if it didn't show up before the new week started. Anyways, he is still getting himself into trouble. Yesterday he came crawling into the kitchen where my Mom was doing dishes and had something in his mouth. It was a piece of your guitar stand that he had dissembled and I get the feeling that you sent him in there saying "the guitar stand is off limits dude. Take it to Grandma." lol Then not 5 minutes later we took him from the jumper into my room and he somehow got a sticker in his mouth with both my Mom and I watching. We fished that out too and he was mad at us for taking his toys away. Seriously, he will find something hazardous to put in his mouth no matter what!
We went back to the doctors and got another ex-ray today. It looks like another 2 days or so before it will "pass". They let me have a thumbnail copy of the ex-ray so here it is in all its splendor. The white thing on the bottom left is what he swallowed. Crazy kid. I have said for a while that the only proof you need that God exists is to see any Man that made it through his childhood and teenage years alive. I am hoping you can help Little M to make it through his.
Love,
Jenny

Update: It came out the very next bowel movement. I totally knew that would happen if I took him back into the doctor like I was supposed to. lol At least I don't have to sift through his diapers anymore! Now to keep this event from repeating itself...

Missing You...

Dear Michael,

We have really been missing you a lot the past few days around here. I know part of the reason for me is knowing that the year mark is coming up and that makes things very hard for me, but Little E seems to be feeling it too. I don't know what is causing it for her. Maybe its the fact that everything is so similar to last year, but you aren't here. She jumps on the trampoline, we weed, the raspberries are coming on, but you aren't here to enjoy it all with her. For the last few days she has burst into tears at random moments and cried out, "I really miss Daddy!" I ask her what she misses and she says "for him to play with me and jump on the trampoline..." I have been wondering if she really is missing you or just feeling my stress and trying to play off of it to get away with her fits. She did a lot of that last summer and I have to really watch my reactions so that I show enough sympathy if its real without encouraging fake tears. Well, last night I woke up after having a dream about you and just wishing it had been real. I had a really hard time falling back asleep, and then Little E woke up screaming in the other room this morning. I went in and got her calmed down and asked her what was wrong. She said "I didn't want you to twist my balloons!" I asked her what balloons and she said "The ones at Daddy's place. I didn't get to go with them. I threw them up up high in the air, and they flew away. But Daddy still has them. But I didn't get to go with them." She was remembering when we went for your birthday and sent off balloons. I never thought it would upset her that she didn't get to fly away with them to see you, but that makes sense. I wish there were a way to let her fly away for a little while just to visit you. She misses you so very much. I am a little worried because I had planned on doing the balloon thing on your "Heaven Day" but maybe that wouldn't be a good idea... I will have to think about it and feel it out. I want to do something that she can be involved in, but I don't want to upset her. I wish you were here to give me some good ideas.

Like I said, we are really missing you...
Love,
Jenny

My not so little man.

Dear Michael,

I can't believe how fast time is going by. I went to the last swing night of the semester last night and was blown away that another semester had come and gone already. It just doesn't seem possible!

On top of that I can't believe how much our son has grown and developed. Just in the last week there has been an explosion of new skills from this little guy. He started trying to say Mama and his sisters name on Tuesday night. Then yesterday he got another new tooth (he now has 4 and is working on more.) It was the tooth just to the right of his bottom teeth. I don't know what its called. :) But he has it! He has been really picking up speed in his mobility and although he doesn't crawl with his tummy off the ground he is doing the cross body movement of crawling and its only a matter of time until he learns the real thing. Yesterday he also learned a new skill, drinking from a sippy cup! I had tried to teach him how to do that a while back but we did it with a nuby that has a silicon nipple and is all fancy. He didn't want anything to do with that. He just kept crawling after his sisters so I finally got one like hers of his own to try and he thought apple juice was pretty neat!

Today I caught him doing something that I couldn't believe. He can transition from being on his side to sitting up. I had caught him sitting in the crib but thought he was pulling himself up on the side rails. Nope, he is doing it all on his own baby! Its crazy how many things a kid can learn in just one week.

Yesterday I caught him during nap time messing with his mobile. He was nearly standing trying to get to it and I realized it was time to move the mattress down again. lol He seems to really like being able to switch from laying to sitting and pulling himself up to kneeling. :) What a big boy!

We love you and hope you are getting to be here for all of these amazing firsts.
love,
Jenny

New perspective.

Dear Michael,
I had a thought about a week ago that I feel is pretty important for me to record. I was folding laundry in the living room and was looking at all of the shirts and smiling at the memoires they brought up. I have been working out almost daily and my workout shirts are ones like our Midnight 5K shirt and the one from Aspen Grove family camp. I was thinking of all of those wonderful times we had shared together and how much I wanted to do any of them just one more time with you. Then a thought hit me, I wouldn't have anyways. Let me try to explain this right. We always only get to do things one time. It does make me sad that I don't get to do new things with you in the future, but I am coming to realize that our family would never have gone back and done the same things again. We may have gone to the same place, but it would have been a completely different and new experience, and I get many of those new experiences now. Just slightly different then I pictured them. 

I have been building on this line of thought for a week now. It has also helped me to realize that my initial desire to horde every possible memory of you is not only impractical, but unnecessary. I still want to go back and record all I can for our children someday, but now that a year has almost come and gone I have realized that the same memories can be just as sweet even when looked at over and over again. New stories and thoughts are nice, but I keep coming back to the same moments and wrapping myself up in them like a well worn blanket. Nothing could be more comfortable.

I am also starting to understand something that our family friend, the man in charge of your funeral said to me. He told me that I would struggle with missing your physical presence but in time I would come to feel you in another way. He told me this right before we closed your casket and I just nodded and tried not to cry, but I didn't know how that could work. I am beginning to get a glimpse of what he meant. Today on my 12 mile bike ride I got to just listen to some of our favorite music and look at the beautiful blue sky and think. Many of the songs made me think of you, and wish you were there with me, but it was more than that. I began to grin from ear to ear as I rode downhill with the familiar songs guiding me along. I felt peaceful, happy, and like I wasn't missing anything. Like you were well aware of what I have been up to and even keeping me company. I know that feeling won't last, but I think that it has helped me to see what is coming a bit more clearly. Everyday life is becoming a joy along with being difficult. The future looks bright just like the beautiful blue sky today. I know that I will always miss you, and will often wonder how things will be made right, but for now I am just going to enjoy the ride and my new understanding of what is truly important and what will really bring me joy.

Peekaboo! A new tooth is coming through. :)

Little M's top right tooth made its way through today during his nap. I have been watching it closely (and a little apprehensively) for a week now and feeling for it often. Well, it has finally made its debut. Welcome to the world little tooth. Please be nice to me. :)

First Word and First Time Standing

Dear Michael,
Your little boy is getting so big! I can't beleive all the firsts he has done lately. Last week he was in his crib and my Mom was getting some clothes out of the closet for him. Little E came in the room and he looked at her and said "Hi" with a great big grin on his face. He has said it to Papa and I over the last week too. It makes sense that this would be his first word because we say it to him all the time. It always gets a big grin out of him.
Tonight while I was bathing him he reached over and grabbed onto the side of the tub. He pulled and pulled until he was standing up all by himself with his ankles crossed and his feet almost slipping out from under him because he was standing on a washcloth. I couldn't beleive he would pick the most dangerous place he could to test out the whole standing thing. It was a good thing I was right there to keep him from falling. I will have to train him to always sit in the tub like we did with Little E. I should have known he was going to start standing soon. Two weeks ago at church he pulled himself up to his knees on a folding chair in the nursing lounge. He also really enjoys when I put him next to the furniture and let him try to hold on and balance. He giggles and laughs the whole time. I am sure cruising along furniture is going to become one of his favorite pastimes soon. Ahhh! How did he get so big so fast? Must be your genes. I am sure you are so proud of him. :)
Love,
Jenny