A Way to Serve

So I know that a lot more than just the handful of friends and family who used to read my blog have been visiting it. I don't know much about those of you who are reading my posts. I don't know if you are also grieving the loss of a loved one, or just came across my story somewhere. I just wanted to take a moment to share a service opportunity with you. Service is such a wonderful way to bring peace and joy into life and I am grateful for the chances I have to help others through difficult times.

A couple of weeks before my dear husband passed away our home town had another great loss. A little girl fell into a local canal and was life flighted to primary children's hospital. She survived for about a week and then returned to our loving fathers presence. You can read more of her story HERE. I followed her story closely as it unfolded. So closely that when I began crying after reading that she had passed away my husband instantly knew what had happened. He said "that little girl didn't make it did she?" and came out to comfort me while I grieved for that poor families loss. Her sweet mother Ashley later came to my parents home to comfort me after I lost him. They have been such an inspiration to me and as I read her blog I often see my own feelings reflected in her words. I have only spoken to her a few times, but feel so close to her already.

Ashley has found a way to serve others that I would really love to share with anyone who would be willing to help. She is gathering materials for baskets to give to parents when they arrive at primary children's hospital. Often these parents are arriving after an accident and they have nothing, not even a toothbrush. We will be putting baskets together on her daughters birthday in December. Ashley is setting up a paypal account and accepting any donations of items or money so we can hopefully put together a basket for each of the 40 rooms there. If you are willing to help please go HERE to see more details. I know that serving others will help me to be happier and more content with my life. Maybe it will help you too.

Also, feel free to comment on my blog. I would love to know more about you, who knows maybe we can become friends. :)

Thank you in advance for any help you are able to give us in this project,

Love,
Jenny

The Sullenger Family; Patrick, Ashley, and Preslee

Three Months

Dear Michael,

I can't beleive that it has been a full three months since I heard your beautiful voice, or held your hand. I am still so grateful for our last day together, that we shared such a sweet morning and final kiss. I will forever hold those memories in my heart like a candle fighting back the darkness of lonely nights. Thank you for that.

People ask me how I am doing, how I cope with living everyone's worst nightmare. I have to admit that I am not sure myself how I am making it through each day. When I think back to that first night, when I wanted to crawl into a hole and stop existing in order to get away from the pain I am amazed that I even made it to the next morning. But life continues, and you don't really have a choice but to keep going along with it. So I live, and sometimes I have a really great day where I just remember the wonderful things we enjoyed and they aren't tainted with pain, just filled with joy. Other days I have a really hard time just making it through each minute. I have always been a happy person, mostly because I never had anything worth really being unhappy about. I never had huge stresses in my life, or things to be really nervous about. That changed a bit when you passed away. Now I can understand what people mean by "panic attacks." I have experienced several of them in the past few months and never knew before I had one how strong they really could be. But given time I am able to calm myself down and remind myself that while I am living everyone's "worst nightmare" I am also living everyone's dream. Because I am still married to the man of my dreams and we have been promised eternal life. Not only eternal life, but an eternal marriage and family as well. If I can manage to remind myself of that fact, and that eternity is not so far away and life is short and should be enjoyed, I can get through those moments of panic.



There are times of day that I am growing to hate... they mean something more than just the numbers showing up on the clock. I hate 7:20 in the morning because I should be hearing Claire de Lune on your Ipod. Then I should get a big good morning kiss and snuggle before you head off to the shower...
I hate 11:00 because its the time that you should be at lunch, a time that I could have surprised you at your school with little E and Little M to just visit you for no real reason.
I hate 2:30 because I want so desperately to get a phone call from you during prep period. I know I complained about you always calling me during nap time and waking up Little E or me with the phone, but I really came to count on hearing your voice at that time of day. Getting to hear all about the funny things your students were doing and telling you all about what your children were up to. (Little M pooped on me twice this morning and peed on me once. That is what we would have talked and laughed about today...)
Probably most of all I hate 4:20. I want to hear the garage door open and see you walking past the kitchen window, talking on the phone with either your sister or best friend Norm. I sometimes look at the door and hope so desperately that you will just walk through it, but know that you never will again... I hate it.
I dread bedtime. Its easier to face now than it was. Now that I am exhausted and just want sleep for a few short hours before one of our children wake me up. (Last night Little M slept 6 hours straight which would have been awesome if little E hadn't woken me up at 2 to change her diaper. I couldn't beleive it when she called me in and said "I peed, I need a new diaper." when normally I can't get her to stop and let me change her when her diaper is hanging past her knees! lol Little stinker!) It is still hard though. I brush my teeth and wish that you were there fighting me to get to the sink too. Then I lie down in bed and pull your body pillow close to me because it almost feels like you lying there, and I snuggle up to your Dr. Pepper shirt and try to sleep without your warm arms around me.

While there are hard times during each day, my tears have become less frequent and more resigned. I still miss you terribly and while there is a deep ache in the pit of my stomach there is also deep joy in my heart. I have learned to try to change my vocabulary to no longer include words like, "should have, would be, or ought to". I have learned that no one is entitled to anything in this life. We should just be grateful for everything that we have and every day we get to share together. The only thing we are truly promised is the love of our Savior, and that he will comfort us when life hurts. I think this experience has made me a better mother, sister, and friend. I am more patient and drink in each moment more deeply because I don't know how many moments I will get...

I love you, I am grateful for the 5 years we had together and the eternity we have ahead of us. I am grateful for the strength you gave me during those 5 years, you really helped prepare me for this difficult time and I am so glad you did. I don't know what I would have done without all the effort you put into making me a stronger woman. I am grateful for all the memories we created, although I dread the day when I have written down and thought about all of them and I have nothing new to add...
 

I miss you so much
Love,
Jenny

Star Whores and Plumbing Problems.

Dear Michael,

I so wish I could just call you up and tell you these stories at work... your laugh would be so wonderful to hear.

Yesterday I went to my Mom's to carve pumpkins. We had a couple of funny events happen that I wanted to tell you. First I went to change little M's diaper. When I got his diaper off he ended up shooting #1 like a hose. It ended up spraying him in his hair and ear! Gross! But it was so funny because he got this shocked look on his face and he cut it off mid stream. lol I ended up giving him a bath and he finally relaxed enough to finish his business in the tub... double gross. :) You would have laughed so hard at Amber standing behind me chanting "I want a girl I want a girl!" While I cleaned him up. I can only imagine how you would be teasing her with stories of "plumbing problems" and cursing her with a boy.  You always did love to give my sisters a hard time, and they loved giving it right back.

The second thing that happened was focused around one of your favorite things, Star Wars.
Little E needed a dark shirt to wear so if she helped with the pumpkins and got something on herself it wouldn't stain. So I pulled a shirt out of the back of her closet. It was the Star Wars shirt I showed you last year. I was so proud when I found in on clearance and bought it specifically so she could wear it for you and make you proud. You never got to see her in it because it was a 3T, but I am sure you were there last night watching her run around like a little tom boy in it. Anyways, I showed my mom her in the shirt and asked Little E to say "Star Wars!" for Nana. She looked up proudly and quickly said "Star Whores!!!" Nana and I both cracked up. :) Then I got her to say "Force be with you!" just in case you were listening.

I love you, I hope you got a kick out of these stories. I am sure that I will laugh really hard when I reread them in the future.

Love,
Jenny

This was one of Michael's favorite games to play. He thought it was so creative and funny. :) I used to sit downstairs and watch him play while I crochet or played around on facebook. He was so patient and would try to get something out of his reach over and over again. I would have totally given up but he was always bound and determined to finish the level with everything completed. He was that way in real life too. He always liked to do things the right way, and never wanted to leave things halfway finished. It is a quality I am trying to improve in myself...

Capture the Flag

Dear Michael,

I was driving through town the other day and passed the school that you worked at. There are so many fond memories I have of that wonderful school. You doing volcano day, lunchtimes where I surprised you with Burger King because I hadn't packed you a lunch and knew you were starving, watching monsters Inc with your class while you held Little E on your lap and she ate popcorn to her hearts content, you holding Little E on your shoulders while teaching math (the kids laughing their heads off at all of her antics and you just laughing along with them.) One of the newest memories I have is of us playing capture the flag out front.

It was close to the last day of school and one of the other teachers challenged your class to a game of capture the flag. Little E and I had come in to visit you and so we came out to join in the fun. You and I were just wandering back and forth across the field trying to keep an eye on Little E while you played referee. We slowly wandered over near the other teams flag. No one was paying any attention to what we were doing and Little E got interested in the flag. I told her to grab it and she did. Then I yelled at you to pick her up and run for it. You threw her over your shoulder like a sac of potatoes and streaked across the field. Their whole team was after you and Little E was laughing and screaming as they chased you both. She made the first score in the game. :) We didn't really count it, but it was so funny to watch. Those kids were so frustrated that they couldn't catch you, but there was no way they could keep up with someone that had legs twice as long as theirs. lol

I love thinking back to moments like this because they really show how much you enjoyed being a father. You loved Little E so much and made her little life so full of joy and excitement. And you were such a great teacher too. Not many teachers razz their students as much as you did and I know they loved every minute. :)

I love and miss you so much!
Jenny

Here are a few pictures from February of 2009. They make me laugh because Little E and Trek both made picture taking so darn difficult! You could never get them both to behave and look the right direction. Plus I absolutely love your smile in the second one. :) 

Sunset

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you so much for showing me that you love me today. Thank you for sending me good friends to help and uplift me. Thank you for the smell of fall in the air, a mixture of leaves and smoke, and for the beautifully crafted sunset that conatined my favorite color of pink in it. Thank you for a wonderful baby boy that sleeps well at night and likes to snuggle me. Thank you for a happy little girl that makes all of my days brighter.

Thank you.

Putting away your ties

Dear Michael,

I just got finished putting folding, smelling, and holding all your ties. They are safe in a box where I can pull them out and hold them when I want to. They still smell like you did when you went to work every day. I wish that you would put them on again and walk out the door to go to your classroom. I love all the crazy colors that you wore. The zebra striped tie that was bright blue and white, your bright pink tie that you wore on a regular basis. They were all so you. :)

While I was putting your ties into the box, Little E was running around the living room with a doggy cookie screaming at the top of her lungs as Trek chased her trying to gently get the cookie from her hand. He is such a good dog. He tried to use his legs at one point and Little E ran away saying "don't hump me Trek!" I had to laugh out loud and thought you would have been rolling on the ground after that one.

I am very tired this morning. Not so much physically (although that is definitely part of it) but mostly emotionally. I really wish I could take a break from missing you. It is so exhausting to have everything reminding me of what I no longer have. There are times that I wish I could crawl into a hole and just disappear for a while. I try to enjoy all of the little moments throughout the day when something makes me happy, but I am still just so tired. Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful for the joys I have in my life, and for all the wonderful memories that are currently haunting me. I just wish that you could come home for a little while and give me a break. It would be really really nice.

Happy 5 Year Anniversary

Dear Michael,

Happy Anniversary my love. 5 short years is not enough time to spend with your best friend and perfect mate. But what an amazing ride it was. I am so grateful to know that our love will last for eternity and that I am still married to the man of my dreams. I love you and miss you so much!

Frozen

Dear Michael,

Today was mostly a good day. I went back up to the hospital for the lab work on Little M while my Mom took Little E to story time. I visited with some friends, a wonderful neighbor brought us dinner, and I even went for a walk in the rain. The rain always makes me think of you. Its something you always enjoyed and I often thought of as an annoyance. I am beginning to love and hate it now. It makes me think of you and smile, but it also makes me think of you and cry. I wish we could go for a nice walk underneath your umbrella hand in hand. I treasure those memories now. Even when I was freezing and wet I was with you. It was a little slice of heaven.
Little E was very cute during the rain storm today. We wanted to go for our walk but the storm had gone from drizzling to a complete downpour. I wasn't willing to take Little M out in that so instead we sat on the back step and sang "rain rain go away, come again another day." She learned the whole song and was able to sing it all by herself. I then had to go answer the phone and while I did I let her sit on the back porch by herself... a few seconds later I heard her laughing her head off as she ran through the storm in the back yard. "Raining! Its Raining!!" she yelled. She takes after you in so many ways. I need to learn from her example and dance in the rain. It is good to be able to enjoy the storms in our life along with the sunshine.
Even though it was a good day I still find myself frozen at times. Mostly when I am trying to move from one activity to another. I will be in the car after pulling into the garage and I just won't be able to make myself move. I sit there in the car and just breath and try not to think about all the things that haunt me at night. All the times I thought we would have together that we will never enjoy, all the years I have ahead of me that will be so very different from the way we had planned them. I honestly think that if I didn't have your children to care for I could end up frozen for good. Unable to move an inch due to the fear and pain that I am feeling. Having them to care for is a true blessing. I don't know what I would do without them.

While I still find myself stuck at times my outlook is doing a little better. Here are a couple of things that have helped me.

• President Monsons talk on Gratitude on Sunday morning.
• Holding our baby boy
• Reading your scriptures and seeing what you highlighted and found to be important.
• Writing in a journal and reading through my journal about when we were dating and getting engaged. I am so grateful that I wrote things down. There was so much I had forgotten and I never want to forget! Ever! You were so wonderful to me then, and for our entire marriage. I am so grateful for all the love you gave me.

Here are a few other things that have helped me.




Here is a children's story that brought me some comfort. You know how much I love dragon flies. ;)

Waterbugs and Dragonflies

by Doris Stickney.........................................

Waterbugs and Dragonflies : Explaining Death to Young Children" Down below the surface of a quiet pond lived a little colony of water bugs. They were a happy colony, living far away from the sun. For many months they were very busy, scurrying over the soft mud on the bottom of the pond. They did notice that every once in awhile one of their colony seemed to lose interest in going about. Clinging to the stem of a pond lily it gradually moved out of sight and was seen no more."Look!" said one of the water bugs to another. "One of our colony is climbing up the lily stalk. Where do you think she is going?" Up, up, up it slowly went....Even as they watched, the water bug disappeared from sight. Its friends waited and waited but it didn't return... "That's funny!" said one water bug to another. "Wasn't she happy here?" asked a second... "Where do you suppose she went?" wondered a third. No one had an answer. They were greatly puzzled. Finally one of the water bugs, a leader in the colony, gathered its friends together. "I have an idea". The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk must promise to come back and tell us where he or she went and why." "We promise", they said solemnly. One spring day, not long after, the very water bug who had suggested the plan found himself climbing up the lily stalk. Up, up, up, he went. Before he knew what was happening, he had broke through the surface of the water and fallen onto the broad, green lily pad above. When he awoke, he looked about with surprise. He couldn't believe what he saw. A startling change had come to his old body. His movement revealed four silver wings and a long tail. Even as he struggled, he felt an impulse to move his wings... The warmth of the sun soon dried the moisture from the new body. He moved his wings again and suddenly found himself up above the water. He had become a dragonfly!! Swooping and dipping in great curves, he flew through the air. He felt exhilarated in the new atmosphere. By and by the new dragonfly lighted happily on a lily pad to rest. Then it was that he chanced to look below to the bottom of the pond. Why, he was right above his old friends, the water bugs! There they were scurrying around, just as he had been doing some time before. The dragonfly remembered the promise: "The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk will come back and tell where he or she went and why." Without thinking, the dragonfly darted down. Suddenly he hit the surface of the water and bounced away. Now that he was a dragonfly, he could no longer go into the water... "I can't return!" he said in dismay. "At least, I tried. But I can't keep my promise. Even if I could go back, not one of the water bugs would know me in my new body. I guess I'll just have to wait until they become dragonflies too. Then they'll understand what has happened to me, and where I went." And the dragonfly winged off happily into its wonderful new world of sun and air....... I love you very much. I am doing my best to keep a positive outlook and to "just keep swimming." I feel that I am being helped to do so by the prayers others are saying for me and by you. I look forward to the day that we can fly as dragonflies together. Good night my love, Jenny

Life is like a tiny room.

Dear Michael,

Today went pretty well. It was the first day without your Mom hear to help me and I managed pretty well if I do say so myself. I got a shower and had two (mostly) happy children and even got a nap in. I plan on going to bed very shortly but wanted to record a few thoughts first. Mom and I went shopping for a stove for me in Idaho Falls this afternoon at Sears. While we were at the mall I went into the little nursing lounge to take care of Little M. While nursing him I looked around that tiny room with its blank walls. I listened to the people walking by outside. This made me think about how life is. While we are living life it seems to be all that there is. You can't see out of it, just like I couldn't see out of that room. It is all that we know and I realized today that it is really quite small. Like that room is only a small portion of the world, it is only a tiny portion of what our real life is. Eternity is so vast and almost impossible to comprehend. But that is where we really belong.

If I had spent my whole life in that little room and never seen beyond its door I would have no ability to comprehend what the rest of the mall was like. Right now I sit and try to think of how this will all eventually work out, or what you might be doing, or how I get to spend eternity with you, but I just can't wrap my mind around any of it. I am stuck in life and I can't see out of it. I know that is how life is supposed to work, but it can be a little frustrating to be stuck behind the veil at times.

I know this is kind of rambling on right now but I guess I just wanted to tell you that I got a small glimpse today on how small life really is. This isn't forever, and compared to the eternity I get to spend with you it is very very small. Its just hard to remember that when life is all we know and can see. But I also realized that you only get to do life once. It is such a short part of our eternal experience and we only get every day one time. We never get a do over. I am going to try my hardest to keep this perspecitive in mind during the hard days. I love you. Please continue to help me and the rest of our family through this difficult time.

I love you, I miss you!
Jenny

Pad? Where are you?

Dear Michael,

Little E is doing the funniest thing right now! She is running around the house shouting "Pad? Pad? 'ere are you?" Looking for my nursing pads to shove up her shirt. Then she came out with the tinniest lady bug hair clip and said "drinking my side." With a big grin on her face. She was so proud to be nursing the little thing. lol (We still have her thinking that sides are what those milk producing devices are called... lets see how long I can keep that up. I hope to keep her from shouting something like "boobs!" out in public."

Just thought you would get a kick out of this. :)

Love you,
Jenny

Stats from Little M's Birth

Silly me, I forgot to post his stats. :)

Born at 9:49 pm
8lbs 5 oz
19 3/4 inches long
13.5 inch head

A perfect little bundle of joy!

Little M's Birth Story

Sorry for the wait everyone. I have been so busy with a little baby, toddler, and enjoying my mother in law while she visited that I haven't posted Little M's birth story yet. I best do so before I forget something. This is kind of my journal right now because I don't have time to blog and write in my journal every day. So sorry its a little long winded, but I want to be able to record it all for myself.

Thursday night my family was invited to a geology opening social at Smith park. My sister told me I had to go because she was sure that being so close to the hospital would have some affect on my body and cause me to go into labor. (smith park is directly across the street from the hospital). She even wanted me to face the hospital with my belly, hold my arms in the air, and chant "I wanna I wanna I wanna baby!" I told her I refused to do that because I wasn't sure I was ready to do the whole labor and delivery thing yet. I was happy just waiting until he was ready to come out. No need for voodo chanting. ;)

We ate barbeque and Little E ran around the park watching a collage boy fly a kite and playing with her cousin A. She was having a great time and kept stealing chips off of my mom and sisters plates while we ate sitting in the grass. It was a beautiful night and we were really having a lot of fun. Little E ran off with her cousin and my sister and I decided that while I was totally full of sloppy joes and didn't need anything else to eat, I felt like munching. So I decided to get up off the grass and get some chips. I couldn't get up and kept trying to roll forward onto my feet and was laughing really hard about it with my Mom. She reached over and just gave me a little nudge to help get me off the ground. I laughed while I stood up, and then stopped. Something was very wet, and I was pretty sure I hadn't laughed hard enough to wet my pants...

I headed off to the rest rooms to check, and sure enough I had broken my water. This was about 7:00 pm. I think its very funny because its supposed to be only 15% of births that you have the water break before being at the hospital... So far I am 100%. lol

So after getting cleaned up a little we decided to go see my friends Lacy and Sam because they lived right across the street from smith park. We headed over and they just let us hang out for awhile with our kids playing with their sons toys. My dad went and got the car and then came back and gave me a blessing with Sam. I have to say, the blessing definitely worked. This was by far a way better delivery, and recovery than the first time around. :)

After getting the blessing I was planning on going home to get my hospital bag and then comming back to check into the hospital. I figured I hadn't been having contractions for very long (they started after my water broke.) and that I would have time. My sister started timeing them and realized they were 5 minutes apart. They were also getting kindof painful. So we changed our plans let Mom and Dad go take the girls home and put them to bed, and get the hospital bag as well.

We drove up the road a block and pulled into the hospital. I decided I probably ought to call my midwife as we pulled in because they said to call "when it was time to head to the hospital." And I was already there. lol

The woman working for the answering service said that she would notify the midwife on call and told me who it was. I was a little sad because it was a different midwife from the one that had delivered Little E and I really enjoyed working with her. She did such a good time the first time around and had always been so sweet to me. She even held me at my final appointment before Little M was born while I cried on her shoulder and told her my fears about having this baby without Michael...

So we headed inside and checked into the hospital. By this point it was already painful  enough that I was leaning against the counter with my eyes closed during contractions and just wanted to be in the tub. (My birth plan was all natural birth with the use of the jetted tub. But not a water birth.) Once we got checked in a nurse came out and said "Your midwife in on the way" and told me it was actually the midwife that had delivered Little E after all! I was so happy I think I cried a little knowing that I would have at least one person in the room that had been there the first time around too.

We got into the room and had to be monitered for 20 minutes before they would let me get in the tub. :( I hated that part. It was so hard to just lay there on that stupid bed and deal with the contractions without really being able to move very much to handle the pain. Ugh. Twenty minutes can feel like forever!! Finally they told me I could move to the room with the tub. By this point contractions were comming hard and fast. It was hard to walk down the hall. Once I got into the tub things felt better but definitely still hurt a lot! My sister rubbed my back and gave me ice and was such an amazing help! She was so strong and did such a good job helping me through the hard parts.

I was probably only in the tub for a half an hour when we decided it was time to move back to the other room and get ready to have that baby! I couldn't beleive it was already time. I just kept thinking, "I can't really be to transition yet! This took so much longer the first time around. I can't really be ready to push?!" But when we got into the room I could tell that it really was time. It only took a few more contractions and I had myself a beautiful baby boy at 9:49 pm. A little under 3 hours from the time my water broke. :) I was so blessed this time around. I didn't tear, and things went so fast and smoothly. I couldn't have asked for a better birth. It was so fast my parents didn't even make it back in time and my other sister who was on the shuttle coming up and asked me to "see if I could wait until she got there." came in a few minutes late as well. I don't think they were too disappointed though. It just meant they got to see the sweet new baby after he was cleaned up a little. lol

My hospital stay went well too. The sister that came up on the shuttle stayed in the hospital with me and kept me company while helping me to take care of Little M and all the stinking paper work etc. I was glad she got to spend so much time with him while she was up. It was really nice to get to really talk with her too. We see each other so little and mostly with the rest of the family around. I forget how nice it is to talk one on one with someone late into the night. She was a huge help to me and gave me a lot of comfort.

I have been asked if I felt Michael there while I had the baby. The answer to that question is no. I didn't have much of a brain working to feel anything except the fact that I wanted to stop feeling so much pain. But afterward, in the middle of the night while I was nursing Little M, I was half asleep. I am not sure but I almost felt like someone kissed me on the forehead... It could have been exhaustion, or the fact that I was on pain medication, but maybe it was him... I'd like to think so. I know that he was there, whether I felt him or not. It doesn't really matter. He was there and he made sure that things went smoothly for me. I am grateful to him. He did a really good job giving me the perfect birth. Thank you Michael. I love you! Your son is so handsome and looks so much like you already.