Frozen

Dear Michael,

Today was mostly a good day. I went back up to the hospital for the lab work on Little M while my Mom took Little E to story time. I visited with some friends, a wonderful neighbor brought us dinner, and I even went for a walk in the rain. The rain always makes me think of you. Its something you always enjoyed and I often thought of as an annoyance. I am beginning to love and hate it now. It makes me think of you and smile, but it also makes me think of you and cry. I wish we could go for a nice walk underneath your umbrella hand in hand. I treasure those memories now. Even when I was freezing and wet I was with you. It was a little slice of heaven.
Little E was very cute during the rain storm today. We wanted to go for our walk but the storm had gone from drizzling to a complete downpour. I wasn't willing to take Little M out in that so instead we sat on the back step and sang "rain rain go away, come again another day." She learned the whole song and was able to sing it all by herself. I then had to go answer the phone and while I did I let her sit on the back porch by herself... a few seconds later I heard her laughing her head off as she ran through the storm in the back yard. "Raining! Its Raining!!" she yelled. She takes after you in so many ways. I need to learn from her example and dance in the rain. It is good to be able to enjoy the storms in our life along with the sunshine.
Even though it was a good day I still find myself frozen at times. Mostly when I am trying to move from one activity to another. I will be in the car after pulling into the garage and I just won't be able to make myself move. I sit there in the car and just breath and try not to think about all the things that haunt me at night. All the times I thought we would have together that we will never enjoy, all the years I have ahead of me that will be so very different from the way we had planned them. I honestly think that if I didn't have your children to care for I could end up frozen for good. Unable to move an inch due to the fear and pain that I am feeling. Having them to care for is a true blessing. I don't know what I would do without them.

While I still find myself stuck at times my outlook is doing a little better. Here are a couple of things that have helped me.

• President Monsons talk on Gratitude on Sunday morning.
• Holding our baby boy
• Reading your scriptures and seeing what you highlighted and found to be important.
• Writing in a journal and reading through my journal about when we were dating and getting engaged. I am so grateful that I wrote things down. There was so much I had forgotten and I never want to forget! Ever! You were so wonderful to me then, and for our entire marriage. I am so grateful for all the love you gave me.

Here are a few other things that have helped me.




Here is a children's story that brought me some comfort. You know how much I love dragon flies. ;)

Waterbugs and Dragonflies

by Doris Stickney.........................................

Waterbugs and Dragonflies : Explaining Death to Young Children" Down below the surface of a quiet pond lived a little colony of water bugs. They were a happy colony, living far away from the sun. For many months they were very busy, scurrying over the soft mud on the bottom of the pond. They did notice that every once in awhile one of their colony seemed to lose interest in going about. Clinging to the stem of a pond lily it gradually moved out of sight and was seen no more."Look!" said one of the water bugs to another. "One of our colony is climbing up the lily stalk. Where do you think she is going?" Up, up, up it slowly went....Even as they watched, the water bug disappeared from sight. Its friends waited and waited but it didn't return... "That's funny!" said one water bug to another. "Wasn't she happy here?" asked a second... "Where do you suppose she went?" wondered a third. No one had an answer. They were greatly puzzled. Finally one of the water bugs, a leader in the colony, gathered its friends together. "I have an idea". The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk must promise to come back and tell us where he or she went and why." "We promise", they said solemnly. One spring day, not long after, the very water bug who had suggested the plan found himself climbing up the lily stalk. Up, up, up, he went. Before he knew what was happening, he had broke through the surface of the water and fallen onto the broad, green lily pad above. When he awoke, he looked about with surprise. He couldn't believe what he saw. A startling change had come to his old body. His movement revealed four silver wings and a long tail. Even as he struggled, he felt an impulse to move his wings... The warmth of the sun soon dried the moisture from the new body. He moved his wings again and suddenly found himself up above the water. He had become a dragonfly!! Swooping and dipping in great curves, he flew through the air. He felt exhilarated in the new atmosphere. By and by the new dragonfly lighted happily on a lily pad to rest. Then it was that he chanced to look below to the bottom of the pond. Why, he was right above his old friends, the water bugs! There they were scurrying around, just as he had been doing some time before. The dragonfly remembered the promise: "The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk will come back and tell where he or she went and why." Without thinking, the dragonfly darted down. Suddenly he hit the surface of the water and bounced away. Now that he was a dragonfly, he could no longer go into the water... "I can't return!" he said in dismay. "At least, I tried. But I can't keep my promise. Even if I could go back, not one of the water bugs would know me in my new body. I guess I'll just have to wait until they become dragonflies too. Then they'll understand what has happened to me, and where I went." And the dragonfly winged off happily into its wonderful new world of sun and air....... I love you very much. I am doing my best to keep a positive outlook and to "just keep swimming." I feel that I am being helped to do so by the prayers others are saying for me and by you. I look forward to the day that we can fly as dragonflies together. Good night my love, Jenny