Little E 2 Year Stats

Dear Michael,

I finally cleaned off the kitchen counter a few days ago. It was such a huge accomplishment. I had forgotten how much room there really is in our kitchen to work on. It has been covered for months and things just kept creeping further and further out from the back wall. But now it is beautiful! :) I am trying really hard to keep it cleaned off for a good long while.

Today's project was in keeping with my spring cleaning mood. I got through all, ALL of my paper work that has been piling up in the kitchen. I filed everything and did all of the phone calls etc that were required to really complete the job, not just get it mostly done like I have for months. I am afraid my procrastination skills had gotten the better of me for a while. lol I guess people don't really change much unless they make themselves.

One of the papers I found in the pile was the stats from Little E's 2 year appointment. It had taken me a while to go in for her appointment... like 4 months. Things just were too crazy until then so I just took her in one of the times I had to take Little M in. I thought I would post the stats here so I would have a copy in the future, after this paper grows little legs and walks away. ;)

May 27th, 2008 - 1 week- 8.1 lbs 61%- Height 21.3 in 92%- Head 13 in 7%- BMI 12.7
Jun 10th 2008- 1 month- 9.4 lbs 76%- Height 22.8 in 98%- Head 14.5 in 63%- BMI 12.8
Jul 21st 2008- 2 months- 11.8 lbs 76%- Height 25 in 100%- Head 14.5 in 8%- BMI 13.2
Sep 22nd 2008- 4 months- 13.8 lbs 54%- Height 25.8 in 94%- Head 15.3 in 4%- BMI 14.6
Nov 20th 2008- 6 months- 15.8 lbs 47%- Height 27 in 91%- Head 16 in 8%- BMI 15.2
Feb 20th 2009- 9 months- 18 lbs 36%- Height 29.3 in 95%- Head 16.8 in 13%- BMI 14.8
May 26th 2009- 1 year- 18.8 lbs 13%- Height 31 in 95%- Head 17 in 6%- BMI 13.7
Dec 9th 2009- 1.5 year- 23.1 lbs 28%- Height 34 in 96%- Head 17.3 in 2%- BMI 14
Oct 11- 2010- 2 year 4 mo- 28.7 lbs 57%- Height 39.3 in 100%- Head ?- 13.1 BMI

I still remember the visit in July when the doctor came in and had the little printed chart and said, "Here is the chart showing the growth average for children this age. She isn't on it. She would be over here." and he drew a little dot on the side. lol You were so proud to have such a tall little girl. She definitely takes after you in that way. She is so long and skinny it amazes people. They always think she is older than she really is because she is as tall as their 4 year old niece or something. Its so funny! Little M is following along right in her footsteps. I am going to have some very tall kids someday. Maybe they will be able to get things off the top shelf for me the way I always did for my mom.

I love you. Your children are doing great and are the light of my life! Thank you so much for giving me them.
Love,
Jenny

This picture was taken the day after her last appointment. We had just harvested our pumpkins and she was so excited to show them off for the camera. :)

Ode to the fallen star

Dear Michael,

I decided this morning was going to be a normal Saturday, like the ones I grew up with. That means lots of cleaning and getting things back in order. I started with the bookshelf... I haven't gotten any further yet. Instead I had a breakdown.

While I was organizing the shelf to dust it, I found your tape "storm". I thought, why not listen to it? I don't even know what is on it. Well, I put it in and it is the tape with "Just like heaven" and all of your meditation music. I was shocked by the vivid memory I had of listening to this music in your room at your parents house. I can remember you pulling it out of the long wooden box under your bookshelf and saying, "I used to fall asleep to this tape every night". I can remember you putting it into your old tape player on the bookshelf and sitting in your room next to you while we listened to the music. We listened to the whole tape while you went through your treasured memories from high school with me. We were so excited to begin our life together. We had just gotten engaged and loved every moment we spent with each other. Every memory we got to share. We were just so in love with each other! The shock of all of this memory rushing back to me was huge. I had to stop the tape for a second and collect myself. But after a minute I was able to put it back on and thought I would be just fine listening to it while I cleaned.

It was hard when "Just like heaven" came on. This was the first real song Little M listened to after he was born. I hadn't listened to any music really and he was about 2 weeks old. Music was just too hard, it made me cry whenever I listened to it. But we went to the mall for a little outing and were sitting in the play area for Little E to get out some energy. I was next to my Mom and the song started playing. I looked down at our new son and remembered when you danced with Little E in our dining room to her first song "Caterpillar Girl". I started sobbing and said to him "This is a great song! From a great band! Your daddy loved this song. Listen well."

That memory of a very difficult moment was in my head while I continued tidying the shelves. Then I noticed a little piece of paper sticking out from between a few books. I thought, "Probably another old piece of paperwork" and opened it up. It was a poem you had written. I had totally forgotten about it. As I held that paper in my hands I broke down. My strength was gone. There was nothing left of me but a women who misses her love more than she can bear. Six months is so long to be without you. So very very long, and its only the beginning of what I have to face. As I broke down Little E came up behind me and tried to comfort me again. "Here, you can borrow my silky Mommy. Whats wrong?" "I just miss your daddy so very very much" "Oh... You can hold my baby! She is in my bed!" and she ran off to get something to make it all better. I held her and baby and cried and cried for the whole song. Then I took a deep breath and became a mom again. I read her a story, played and danced with her, and made her feel safe again. I told her, sometimes mommy just has to cry, and that's ok. It felt good to just give in for a little bit. I would give anything just to have one more hug from you. One more night in your arms, but I am thankful for the little reminders of the love and life we shared together. Even if they may be more than I can take at that exact moment.

Ode to the fallen star

Oh to the star that has fallen

now retreated within the black

So much lost

So much lost

What light you could have been given

What light you could have given back

But now you have fallen

So much lost 

So much lost

The sirens song you leaned to listen

Her lemon drops, and midnight whispers

Offering to give you what you lack.

So much lost 

So much lost

Oh to the void that swallows

Gobbling all in sight

Oh to the darkness of night

Infecting all that is not light

So much lost 

So much lost

 So stay to the path of safety!

Stay to that which is right

Peace is the reward that is given

To those who bask in the light

By M. M.

I miss you so much! I looked in the mirror yesterday and noticed that I had burst blood vessels in my eyelids from the tears I had cried on your grave the 27th. I lay there on the snow and didn't want to move. I just wanted to lay there for as long as it took to finally be with you again. But that isn't my life, I have 2 little ones depending on me, needing me to be there to tell them about the person you are. I take that responsibility and carry it during my days, and let it carry me through the dark nights and hours when I have nothing else. I am doing my best. I will try to bask in the light. But for the moment, I will cling to the small rays that have struggled through the clouds and they will be enough.

I love you, I wish we could sit in your room again like on that day and just be two people in love. But we can't. Instead I will have to love you from here. And I do, oh how I do...

6 Months

Dear Michael,

Its late, I will tell you all about my day today when I wake up tomorrow. But for now I just wanted to say how much I miss you. I can't beleive I have made it through 6 months without you. A whole half of a year. I have used several tricks to get here, including wearing your shirts at night to feel closer to you. Tonight I am wearing one of your favorites....

I also sleep with a body pillow, smell your soap in the shower, sneak a sniff of cologne when I get ready in the morning, and write letters to you when I really need to talk. But even though my tricks have helped, I know there is no way I could have made it to this point without lots and lots of help. So I just want to take a moment to thank all of my family and friends for their support. I also want to thank our loving Father in Heaven for helping me to make it through each day, even when I don't want to. I am slowly learning that life can be beautiful and full of fun no matter what has happened to us in it. I love you so much!

Love,
Jenny

Snuggles and a Mommy's Wish

Dear Little E and Little M,

Little M, you wake up most nights at about 11:30 and want to eat. I am usually fine with that because I haven't made it to bed yet and would rather feed you before I fall asleep than be woken up just after falling asleep. Tonight you were so sweet. Your little hands grasp my fingers so tightly, and your sweet fingers stroke me gently while you fall back into blissful slumber. It doesn't take long for you to fall back asleep and I could have left within a few minutes, but tonight when I went to put you back in your crib, I just couldn't. I had to hold you, there was no getting around it. I just sat there, rocking you, kissing your forehead, stroking your hair. I can't beleive how big you have gotten. I sometimes feel like I have lost 3 people in my life, your daddy, the baby that was your sister, and the newborn you. I can't beleive how quickly time is slipping away. How can you already be 4 months old? I love every minute of it, but tonight I just wanted to bottle you up, and keep you that sweet little warm bundle forever. It is hard to face the fact that someday you will be too big for me to hold in my lap. Once I felt like you really needed to sleep, instead of having me pester you all night with kisses and tight hugs, I snuck into your sisters room.

Little M in his cowboy outfit getting ready for church. I think he takes after his Papa, maybe he will learn some cool cattle roping skills! 3.5 months old.

Little E, you are such an amazingly sweet girl. I know you aren't a baby anymore, but I couldn't go to sleep tonight without waking you up to hold you. I came in and you were sleeping face down the wrong way in your bed, on top of all the covers. lol You are such a funny girl sometimes. I picked you up to hold you and turn you the right way in bed. You looked at me and whispered, "good morning" but I told you it was still night and I just wanted to hold you. So you snuggled into my shoulder and fell back asleep. It was wonderful to just sit and hold you too. I don't get the same snuggles I used to with you. You are so active now. Its hard to get you to slow down and really snuggle, much less fall asleep with me nearby enough to enjoy it.  But tonight was special. I even went back in after putting you to bed (which is usually a total no no because I don't want to have to put you down 3 or 4 times before you go to sleep). We snuggled in your bed and you played a game. You put your hand up in the air and said "Mommy, where did the baby butterfly go?" as you held your hand up to block your view of the butterfly sticker on your ceiling. Then you did the same thing for the "mommy butterfly" that hangs from your ceiling, and the "lamp". You also ate my nose and laughed and laughed when I did it back. I really can't beleive how smart and fun you are getting, but just now, you were just my sweet baby again. Granted a very very tall baby, but it felt right to just hold you in my arms for a few minutes.

Little E playing in Little M's carseat. She used to be small enough to fit in that! 

I love you both. I will miss these moments when they are gone, but I am so grateful to have them now. I look forward to all that the future has to offer our little family, but please please, take your time in growing up. My heart can only handle letting go of my babies slowly. Your pace seems a little too quick for me already.

Love,
Mommy

Double Take, 4 Months

Dear Michael,

Are you ready for this? Our kids look so alike!!!!

Little M 4 months 1 day. He grabbed his toes for the first time at the doctors. :) I love this stage!

Little E 4 months 1 week. Michael insisted on taking this picture because she looked so cute when she grabbed her toes during diaper changes. :) It was one of his favorite pictures of her.

I love you. You sure did help me make some cute kids!

Jenny

Chocolate Milk

Dear Michael,

I went grocery shopping today at Walmart after an appointment (I was trying out some grief counseling. It went ok, but I feel pretty good about not going again unless I feel its needed). When I was walking through the food section I noticed the chocolate milk. I smiled, reached out my hand, and put one in my cart. I wanted to get two. One chocolate, one strawberry. We always got flavored milk as a treat when we went to the store. It was our way of not buying too many sweets or junk foods. If we stuck to the list/budget we got a bottle of milk as a reward. You were the one who started this tradition. Chocolate milk has always been a comfort food for me. I prefer ovaltine (especially when pregnant), but since you started this tradition I have grown to love the bottled kind.  I don't know that I will ever be able to walk through that section without thinking about you and smiling. :) I immersed myself in it and tried to enjoy every sip for the both of us.

Cheers,
Jenny

Something to Think About

Dear Michael,

I had a good day at church today, although I think maybe I should stop talking in Relief Society because I can't open my mouth without crying now... Anyway, I was able to stay the whole time during relief society because I spent Sunday School getting everyone else taken care of. I got Little E through her potty break and then changed Little M and took him to the mother's room to nurse him. I just discovered that there was a second room I could use that is right next to one of the Sunday School classes. You can hear the lesson through a grate in the door. It is so nice because I don't have to miss the lesson even though I am taking care of the baby. :)

Well, I didn't get to hear the whole lesson, but something the teacher said really stuck in my mind today.
"The way we spend our day's is the way we spend our lives." This concept is so amazing to me. It makes me want to spend even the little bits of my day doing things I want my life to consist of. Taking care of my children, making things that I think will benefit them and me, and generally loving life and all those I am spending it with.

It also made me realize what a wonderful life you led. Your day's were spent teaching children the things they needed to know to lead good lives, (not just math and science). You played with Little E and I every day! You took each moment and squeezed out all the enjoyment you could from it. That didn't always mean doing something either. Sometimes it just meant we sat down next to each other and silently enjoyed a moment of nothing. What a comfortable thing nothing can be when shared.

I love you, I just wanted to share my new goal of living each day like the rest of my life. I hope to learn how to make it as full and wonderful as possible! Hopefully I can make each day a little brighter until they are all full of sunshine again.

Love,
Jenny

PS. (1/24/11) I just had this thought that goes along with what I said above: If I can make it through the days, I can make it through the years. :) I don't have to look too far ahead and worry about whether I can make it that long. I just have to make it until bedtime. If I do that, eventually the years will take care of themselves.

Falling Asleep with a Good Book

Dear Michael,

Last night my nephew fell asleep on the couch and when I woke him up to send him to bed he said "But I'm reading!" It reminded me of how you had told me one of your favorite things in life was being able to read a really good book until you fell asleep. You did it frequently. I would fall asleep after asking you to snuggle up and turn off the lights. You would say "No, I just want to read for a bit." and I would give up. Then when I woke up to the light being on hours later I would find you totally asleep with your big thumb marking your place in the book. I would gently try to take the book and put it on the night stand. Half the time you would wake up and say groggily "but I'm reading that..." before you slipped back into your slumber. It always made me laugh. You told me the reason you liked falling asleep that way was because it helped you to have really cool adventurous dreams. :)

This picture of you always makes me laugh. It was taken with your phone (I think you are the one taking it even) but it is totally the look you always gave me when you didn't want to get up and I was making you. lol I bet you love the fact that you never have to wake up to an alarm clock or me bugging you again. Lucky!

Love,
Jenny

Little E's Red Eyes

Dear Michael,


I told you I would post a picture of Little E's red eyes. Here it is. :) She thinks they are really cool and likes to show them off to anyone that she can. "Look! My eyes are RED!" I think it makes her look kind of freaky. lol You would be so proud!

Love,

Jenny

4 Month Check Up

Dear Michael,

Today we had your little boys four month check up! We had a little issue in the bath the night before and since I don't know what I am doing and haven't got you here to grill for info about little boys I decided we would just go to the doctor since he needed his shots anyways. The doctor checked him out and said that he is doing great. Little M even gave the cute nurse some very flirtatious smiles before she gave him his shots and put a heartbreaking end to their blossoming romance.

Here are his stats! He is getting so big. I also am including his earlier stats just so I have them for my own record. I can never seem to keep track of the papers they send me home with.

4 Months:                  15.2 lbs 61%,  26 in tall 88%, 16 in head 15%
2 Months 1 week:     13.5 lbs 80%
2 Months:                 11.8 lbs 61%, 24 in tall 90%, 15.3 in head 28%
18 Days:                   9.3 lbs   56%, 22 in tall 86%, 15 in head 66%
4 Days:                     8.1 lbs 52%, 21.3 in tall 89%, 13.8 in head 26%

Just for a reference, Little E was 25 inches, 11.75 lbs when she was 2 months old. It seems like she tends to be a little bigger than him. But I think he will probably win this competition in the end if your amazingly large man genes have anything to say about it. lol

After we went to the appointment we got to go visit Grandma "fishy" and had a surprise visit from Uncle Chris! It was so fun to see both of them. Check out the manly beard Christ was sporting! lol He sure did have Little M smiling when he tickled his face with those big fingers. I think Little M is starting to favor men a lot lately. He gives them great big smiles and it seems like Papa is his favorite person right now. He really likes it when Papa calls him by his nickname "toad".

Little E's favorite things to do when visiting Grandma is to pile every stuffed animal from Grandma's couch onto her lap. Alan decided to help with these efforts and put a dog on Grandma's head. It was a pretty nice touch if you ask me. :) Little E also likes to jump on Grandma's bed (which I constantly try to stop but never seem to manage it for long) and collect rocks from the little plant that Grandma has on her bookshelf. She decided to keep those and the emery boards she found in her boots today. She is so funny sometimes!

Just a little note about the paintings behind them. They are of Grandpa, Grandma, and my Dad as a little boy. My Grandma painted them when she was younger. Wasn't she such an amazing artist? :) My favorite is the one of grandpa. He just looks like such a gentleman in it. He was such an amazingly handsome man. No wonder he snagged a model!

I sure do hope that you are able to watch these little kids grow. They seem to do it in the blink of an eye! I love you so much and wish you could have been there today with me.

Love,
Jenny

Ballerina Sock Thing

 Dear Michael,

Meet Ballerina Sock Thing. She is made out of one of your socks, we are really working hard to turn everything into this house girly! j/k I have been trying very hard to do something once a day with Little E where she and I just sit down together and play, usually creating something. Today we made puppets out of colored paper, yesterday it was a play fort with cousin Alan, the day before that it was a pair of binoculars out of toilet paper rolls. But I think the biggest success so far has been Ballerina Sock Thing. Little E loves her! She likes to talk to her and asks "Do you want to snuggle me?" and then sweetly tucks the puppet into bed with her (with my arm included of course. lol) She often pretends to sleep and snores by saying "klonk shew, klonk shew." Today I was using her to eat Little M's hands and Little E kept telling her to "Be gentle! Be gentle with the baby!!" And then she told sock thing that she loved her eyes. lol It was really cute. 

But the real reason I am bringing this puppet up is because of something little E said to her tonight while we were playing. She was having a conversation with sock thing and said, "My daddy is coming back soon." and I said "really?" and she said yes, but then kind of shook her head and said "no my daddy died." It was really interesting. It seemed like she was more willing to talk about her feeling, like thinking you should come back, with the puppet then with me. I think she was more comfortable and felt like she wouldn't bring up any scary sad emotions like talking about you with me can. I may have to use the puppet more and see if I can really tell how she is taking this, and how much she really understands. She really does miss you and loves you so much. I just wanted to let you know that you haven't been forgotten by your little sweetheart. She wants you to come home too. If only you could full fill her little hearts wish... But I know you are here watching over her and loving her just as much as I do. I think she can feel it sometimes too.

Love,

Jenny

Lockdown and The Ghost.

Dear Michael,

Your nephews school had a lock down today. He told me about it on video chat. It reminded me of the time your school did a lock down last year. You told me that they had you turn off all the lights and cover the window with black paper so that no bad guys could see in the classroom. I am pretty sure yours was just a drill, but it took a while for them to finish the drill and your kids started getting restless and bored. So you decided to entertain them and tell ghost stories. I am sure all of the parents appreciated having kids that wouldn't sleep that night. Because no one I know tells ghost stories as well as you. lol Especially when you told the real ones you experienced. Both the one on collage avenue and the one from your mission. I won't post them here, but I will write them down so I can tell them around the camp fire in the future. :)

I remember the first ghost story you told me, we were engaged and had gone up to meet your family in WA. You took me to see the "ghost" on the river. You wove a very detailed story about how there was an island across the river where Indians had sacrificed a girl and that her spirit would walk across the water if I just looked hard enough. The black water was churning eerily in front of us and I clung to you as I looked for the ghost. Then BOOM! The water erupted in front of us in white foamy fury! It scared me to death!! I screamed and grabbed a hold of you and took quite some time to finally calm back down. It turned out that there was a irrigation pipe that outlets into the river there and every half hour it backs up and blows all the bubbles out of it or something. You told me about how you took a married couple there once and the guy had shoved his new bride behind him while he ran screaming up the hill. I think he probably slept on the couch that night. lol

Here is a video of it during the day, and let me tell you it is freaking scary at night! Especially if you are just a couple feet away from the water and not expecting it. lol


Speaking of ghosts, Little E is totally into them right now. Whenever I ask her what she wants me to draw she says "A ghost!" We have a new box house upstairs and she made me draw a ghost for the doorknob and a ghost for a doorbell. I also made her a pair of binoculars out of toilet paper rolls and she made me draw ghosts on it too. She keeps talks about the ghost that lives in our basement every time we go down the stairs. But don't worry, they are all "nice ghosts" and she often cuddles them in her arms and her little hands and offers them cookies. lol I think she got so interested in them because of halloween and also because of an episode of Kipper that has a ghost that wishes it was scary but is just sweet. It has been an interesting thing to watch develop.

Anyways. I just wanted to post that memory because it was just so you. You always took the opportunity to turn something boring into something fun and adventurous. Even just sitting in a dark classroom.

Love,
Jenny

Rotten Eggs

Dear Michael,

I went and took pictures of our apartments we lived in at collage. I went the day that everyone was moving in so that our rooms would be empty and I wouldn't be bothering anyone. It made me kind of sad to see all the excited students starting out a new semester. They were so happy and excited and didn't seem to have a care in the world. I miss that... but mostly I just missed you.

I will post most of the pictures another day and tell lots of fun stories. But this one made me laugh today when I really needed it. Its been a hard day. I cried in church because it really hit me again. You really aren't coming back... Its so hard to think those words. But stories like this one help me to just laugh about the good times we had. So I thought I would share it. :)

This is the laundry room in the house I lived in. When I was getting ready to move out at the end of my second semester, we had to do white gloves. That is when you have to scrub and clean every part of the apartment and have it checked off. If you don't do a good enough job you end up losing part of your deposit. Well, it was my first white glove and the whole idea had me really worked up. It was finals week, I was moving, and I had to clean like a crazy person. So my roommates and I stayed up until the wee hours of the morning cleaning.  We had a list that we split up and I ended up cleaning the laundry room as one of my many jobs. I scrubbed and cleaned every surface. That included the top of the cabinet in this picture. On top of the cabinet I found two eggs. One unbroken but so old it was mummified and one split open on top of the cabinet and dried out into the grains of wood. It took me ages to get that egg off. I used a knife and scrubbed and scrubbed the whole time cursing whoever had been dumb enough to put an egg up there in the first place.

After we had dated a month or so (we started about a week or two before the end of the semester). I told you this story. You laughed and laughed and said "It was me!! I put them up there as a joke like 2 years ago! Why on earth did you bother with them. They had been there forever." and we spent time just laughing at each other. It is stories like this make me remember that things look different over time. Something that was terrible and frustrating has become a story I treasure. I hope that in the future things that I am dealing with now will change and become better over time. I miss you so much!

Love,
Jenny

Michael's Playlist.

Dear Michael,

I have had so many people comment on the music on this blog. They tell me that they like to go to the blog just to listen to the music and others tell me how they feel closer to you when they hear these songs. So I wanted to post a list here of all the songs so people could copy it and make their own play-lists in i tunes or something. I just wanted to share another piece of you really. After all, you are the one who put the whole list together. Plus this way I may feel like I can start adding other songs while still having a record of the ones you loved and used. That would probably be good for me. Just another step in making things my own. :)

Love,
Jenny

Nothing Better- Postal Service
Where is My Mind- Placebo (You also loved the version done by the pixies)
Under Pressure- Queen
Going the Distance- Cake (Some of your other fav's- Stick-shifts and Safety Belts, Palm of your hand)
Blue Monday- New Order
Nightswimming- REM
The Scientist- Coldplay
Hey Jude- The Beatles (You played this one for me all the time and thought about naming our son Jude. You also played Let It Be a lot.)
Can't See (Useless)- Oingo Boingo
One- U2
My Name is Jonas- Weezer (Another of your favorites to play on the guitar.)
Hallelujah- Rufus Wainwright
Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk- Rufus Wainwright
She Don't Use Jelly- The Flaming Lips
Miss Misery- Elliot Smith
Rainbow Connection- Me First and the Gimme Gimmes
Sweet Dreams- Eurythmics
Somewhere only We Know- Keane
Someday- The Strokes
Today- Smashing Pumpkins
Please Do Not Go- Violent Femmes
Shake the Disease- Hooverphonic
Overkill- Collin Hay
I Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You- Collin Hay

Andes Mints

Dear Michael,

I just found a bag of Andes Mints stashed behind the mirror on your desk. You sneaky thing you. lol I hope you don't mind but I am going to give them to Little E as potty treats. They are one of her favorites too. Guess she got that from both of us! I am trying to remember where you got these and I think they came from my Mom as a special treat for you. She does things like that. Just to show she loves us. :)

Love,
Jenny

Funny quote of the day

Little E just pointed at a picture of our wedding and said "You got married. I was in your tummy playing!" She is still trying to understand the whole concept of pregnancy. She also told me she was going to marry uncle Scott someday. lol Such a funny girl!

If you don't bend you will break.

Dear Michael,

I had an interesting conversation with Little E today. We were driving out to my Mom's for Family Home Evening and the cars antenna hit some tree branches. Little E kind of jumped and said "Did you hear the Mommy?" I said, "Yes dear, I hit some tree branches with the car." Then she asked if I had broken the trees. I told her no, trees bent so they wouldn't break. I continued to explain that wind blows the trees and they have to bend and sway with the wind in order to keep from breaking. I then said "Kind of like us when Daddy died. It was hard, but we learned to bend and change and live without him. Because otherwise we would have broken." I am not sure how much she understood, but it seems like these little conversations mean something to her, even though she is only two and a half. She is wise beyond her years. Please keep an eye on her. Help her to know you are there and still loving her. She is so strong but she really does miss you. She says it all the time. "I miss daddy..." We miss you.

Love,
Jenny

Netflix and more

Dear Michael,
I am working on all kinds of projects right now. One of them is going through the whole house and reorganizing, cleaning, and making it my own. This is a very hard process. I don't like moving things that were yours, even the little pieces of garbage. But the time has come for our house to become a home again. Not just a museum for you. I am taking the process slowly. I started with the kids rooms becuase there is almost nothing of yours in there. They are done now and I have moved on to the closets on the main floor. I am not getting rid of anything. I am not really ready for that step yet. But I am boxing things up. Moving them. Making this "our house" as in me and our kids instead of "his house" as in you. I think it is healthy. But I really really hate it...

The other project is changing things online. I changed the look of our blog and will probably do more of that in time. That was hard to do too. You were the one who made the blog in the first place. You added the music, picked out the pictures and blogs on the sidebar. All of it. It was meant for your family to be able to see what we are up to since they live so far away. It is hard to change anything you created, but it needs updating. The picture on the side is from when we were pregnant with Little E 2 years ago. Little M needs to be acknowledged too. lol

I also finally changed our netflix queue. I copied all of our history and queue first. I wanted a record of all the movies you loved and all we watched together. It is amazing how even things we watched in 08 feel like yesterday to me. I can remember the smell of popcorn, holding your hand, snuggling under a blanket. I remember comments you made, and the laughter we shared. It is wonderful that I can remember. But once again, I need to make things mine now instead of ours. It stung like pulling off a band aid. I had to hold my breath to delete that first movie from our queue that you had wanted to see and I really didn't care about. But it does feel good to have finally done it. Funny how I put off little things that I dread and they just get more and more difficult over time... But its all a process, and we are going through it.

I know this is a boring post. But it was for me. I need to keep a record of my progress, even just the little battles with myself that I finally win. It helps me to look back and see that I really am moving forward. Even if its just baby steps.

Love,
Jenny

Flying

Dear Michael,

Little E learned how to climb into Little M's crib today. She calls it flying. You would be so impressed with her mountainering skills that she uses to get in there. Of course I have to help her out. She is skilled but not crazy and won't risk the fall to get back down. lol

Today we made her a cardboard house. I used your pocket knife and we talked about how you made her houses all the time. She insisted the door hole have a ghost in it for the the handle and the door bell. She is all about ghosts since Halloween. They are all nice ghosts and she is friends with them and pretends to feed them treats and put them to bed. I also made her a couple of peep holes to look through, but instead of looking through them she kept putting the piece of cardboard back into the hole and pushing on them to make them shoot out. She got pretty good distance on them too. I thought you would get a kick out of her turning part of her play house into a weapon. lol

We also made paper boats the other day. I didn't know how to do them but after she watched a Kipper episode where he floated some down a stream she insisted on having one. So I looked up how to do them and then she ran around the house saying, "Mine will go forever and ever and ever!" which is what Kipper says. We later floated them in the tub. I think she would have been more impressed with them floating down the ditch but that will have to wait until summer. In the mean time it was a fun little activity and kept her happy. She enjoyed coloring it too. She insisted on having a snake and tiger on her boat.  She is definitely not the typical girl! lol

Another thing she likes doing lately is pulling her eyes down to see the red. It looks really freaky but she thinks its so cool. I got a picture of it today and will post it later, but I can't find the camera cord today so it will have to wait. Seriously though, it looks so weird when she does it!

Just wanted to give you a little update on what she has been up to.
Love,
Jenny

Dinner with my Man.

Dear Michael,

Its so amazing to me how when I just can't take it anymore, I get to dream about you. I will go for weeks at a time without remembering anything I dreamed about, and then I get a blissful night full of you! :) It really is such a sweet blessing. Last night was a hard one. I missed you terribly. I ended up sneaking into Little E's room to hold her while she slept and just cried silently while I kissed her. I needed someone to hold... but it seems like as soon as I went to sleep you were there. It can be kind of confusing though. At points during my dream I knew it was a dream and even talked to you about how badly I wished it was real and that you would be there when I woke up. But eventually it seemed real enough that I was sure you were really back for good. I even felt guilty for giving away the new shirts I had bought you for work because now you were going to need them.You never got to wear most of them...

The details are already blurry, but I remember you had been camping or something and you were finally back. You were talking about scouts, I think you were still doing your old calling where you went camping with them and had an activity every week or something. But all that really matters is that you had come home. We spent some time just talking with each other, and then we had dinner with some friends. Dana, Brodi, and our neighbors Chelsea, and Bryce all came over and we had a nice dinner where we joked and talked and you told stories about your boy scout days and other fun adventures. I can't remember all of them. But I do remember the happy calm atmosphere I got to share with you all night. Our house was full of laughter, warm food, and good smells. It was bliss. I was totally disoriented when I woke up and realized you really weren't back. But that's ok. At least I got to share your wonderful company for a night.

Michael out to dinner. I think it was after priesthood session of conference with his brother in laws. Notice his funky old tie. He was always trying to get cool old ties to wear for school. He titled it "Me and the squid." Yuck! lol

I've had a few other nights like that but I only remember one other in enough detail to write about it here.  I was spending the night at my mom's in the "Blue room". I remember being really lonely that night. I snuggled up to the pillow next to me and pretended it was you. After I fell asleep you were there in bed next to me. You just lay there next to me and we talked all night. I got to stroke your arms, your face, kiss you, and rest my head on your chest. It was so lovely. I knew the whole time that you had died, and that I only got you while I slept. But the funny thing about that dream was that it was so normal. In my head you were there every night. Somehow you got to come home and sleep by me even though you were gone during the day. So I wasn't stressed that you were going to leave me when I woke up because that was normal. It was so pleasant and I loved every minute I got to spend with you. Dreams are such a wonderful gift. I look forward to my next one. Thank you for those I have already been given.



I love you, Thanks for the dinner date!
Jenny



This is one of my Dad's favorite songs and I grew up singing it around the house. It always comes to mind after a night like last night. :) I really am tempted to dream my life away sometimes, but children grow so quickly and I would miss too much if I did.

The Little Things

Dear Michael,

Its funny the stupid little things that bother me now. Like changing the name on our netflix account to mine instead of yours, using up the last of the toothpaste, shampoo, or whatever it was that we shared together, moving things that you put down, and throwing away anything that was yours, even just a scrap of paper you wrote a random note on... I wish so badly i didn't have to do any of this. I wish I could have a phone call, or heck even just a post card! I miss you! Its getting a little better most of the time, but sometimes its more than I can take...

Tonight I went through your "treasure box". It was hard. At times I smiled to see things that you loved, like your old shark necklace you wore in collage. It broke and you put it in a fabric bag to keep it safe. I also found the box you used to hold my ring when you proposed to me. That lifted a big worry off my mind. I didn't know where it had gone and was starting to get nervous that it had been lost in one of our moves... But most of the time I just wished I could hear you tell me the stories behind everything in there. I know some of them, but I will never know the rest of them. I hate that! I hate that I never get another random thought or story told to me by your beautiful voice. I wish you could call... I really really do....

Learning to take time for me.

Dear Michael,

I know I am a little behind on my updates here. I haven't gotten through Christmas yet, and there are several other things I have wanted to tell you about, but there just never seems to be enough time... I am learning each day how being a single parent is hard. I am lucky enough to have all the help I could ask for, if I am just willing to ask for it. But even asking is hard. I feel like I should be able to do things without running to my parents or neighbors for help. It is slowly getting easier, but part of that is just me learning to let go of my pride and ask when I really do need someone to step in.

I could never imagine choosing this life. But since I don't really get a choice I am learning to work with it. One thing that I am figuring out is how much you really did for me! Not just work, although my workload has definitely increased since you passed away, but also play. I feel like I am constantly trying to make up for the fact that I am not two people. I have to get the house clean, spend quality fun time with both our kids, update the blog (for journaling purposes more than anything. I realize now how much journals matter), take care of the pets, maybe work on one of my many leftover projects (I still haven't finished the bathrooms last touches), and if I am lucky rest for a couple of minutes before I collapse into bed at 11:00-11:30.  I know I don't have to get everything done at once, but it all feels so important. I am realizing that I really miss you saying "Honey, lets go watch an episode of Chuck." or Bones or whatever show we were currently obsessed with. You were always so good to help me just slow down for a little while each night to enjoy each others company.  Its so hard to make myself do that on my own. It is something I am definitely going to have to work at because otherwise I will just run myself into the ground...

So today I decided to practice enjoying myself. I went up and visited a friend who is moving away, went to girls night in with my neighbors and had some delicious homemade Chinese food, and am getting ready to finally watch Avatar with my friend Nathan. That movie arrived the day you left and I was waiting for you to come home to watch it. I decided it is finally time to admit you aren't going to come back to watch it with me... So all in all its been a very fun filled day and I do feel a bit more alive, although still tired. Maybe I am overdoing the play a bit because I have put it off for so long. ;)

I have also started taking an Institute class on Isaiah this week. It will be something for me to do without kids every week and I think the spiritual boost will really help my outlook as well. I really enjoyed our first class which included the plan of salvation. I am so grateful to know that we really will see each other again and that you are looking out for us everyday and love us more now than ever. I miss you, but I am learning to love you from a distance. That too will take practice, but I guess I have nothing but time...

love,
your admirer from the other side of the veil.

Rolling over!!

Dear Michael,

What a fun day we have had! It has been full of firsts. We helped your cousin Britteny move into collage for the first time today. :) She is going to be so fun to have around and we are so excited to spend more time with her and get to know her better.

The other big first that happened today was Little M rolling over! I thought, "hmm I should really give him more tummy time" this morning and put him on his stomach right as the phone rang. I ran to get the phone and came back out and he was on his back! I was taken aback and wondered if I had actually put him on his tummy or if I was remembering wrong. I put him on his front again and he flipped right back over onto his back! So I ran and got the camera and tried one more time... 3 minutes passed with him just staring at me like "what? Do you expect me to do that again just because you got the camera?" and then he finally gave me what I wanted! Little E was running around yelling "Good job!" at the top of her lungs and getting right up in his face to congratulate him. It is really so fun to have her around to help celebrate the firsts with me. I wish I knew if you were here too, but I am guessing you were. It only seems fair that if you are aloud to visit us whenever you have the desire (like my blessing said) that you would want to be here for all of this little boys firsts. I am guessing you were jumping up and down like the rest of us.

I looked it up and he is right on par with Little E for this first. She did it around August 24, 2008. I don't think that is the exact date, but it is pretty close. That made her just a few day's older than three months. Little M is now three months and a week and a half old. So just a little behind her. But I really haven't given him any tummy time to speak of in the past couple weeks. Lol. You can't do something if you never have a chance to try. :)

Here is a little video of some of the things he has been up to in the last few weeks. He has rolled over, learned to hold toys, really gotten into splashing in the tub, and learned that being up high is funny! I have even gotten a little braver and let him get the tiniest bit of air now. He laughs so hard when I do it, but I am nowhere near as strong as you were and will have to build up some major muscles to entertain him properly in the future. I can only bounce him a couple of times and then I have to take a break. lol



I love you so much and am so grateful you gave me this sweet little boy to bring me so much joy everyday. He is growing so fast and amazes me constantly. :)

Love,
Jenny

Sweet Potato Pie!

Dear Michael,

I have really missed cooking for you. I don't really make food much anymore because it just isn't worth making food for just Little E and I. So most nights I end up over at my Mom's for dinner. It is so nice that she is willing to help me out in that way. It has really helped me over these past months. The nights that I do make something for us I usually use the stove top or microwave. It just feels like making something in the oven has been too much effort.

Anyways, today I had your Uncle John and his family over for lunch. They are down here dropping off Brittany for collage. I preheated the oven because they were picking up some frozen pizzas at the store and I wanted the oven to be ready when they got to our house. John walked in and said, "It smells good in here. Do you have something in the oven?" I told him no and went to put the pizza's in. But when I opened up the oven, low and behold there was something in there after all! It was a sweet potato pie my sister had made for Thanksgiving! Somehow we missed it and I haven't used the oven since then... Its just been sitting in there, lurking. I am amazed that it wasn't just totally disgusting. But it just looked like sweet potato pie, almost good enough to eat. Except I am pretty sure it would have killed me if I tried it. lol

Not the actual pie I pulled out of the oven. But it looked similar.

Anyways, just thought you would get a kick out of that story! I love you and wish you were here for me to pamper you with delicious homemade foods like sweet potato pie.... ;)

Love,
Jenny