I know I am a little behind on my updates here. I haven't gotten through Christmas yet, and there are several other things I have wanted to tell you about, but there just never seems to be enough time... I am learning each day how being a single parent is hard. I am lucky enough to have all the help I could ask for, if I am just willing to ask for it. But even asking is hard. I feel like I should be able to do things without running to my parents or neighbors for help. It is slowly getting easier, but part of that is just me learning to let go of my pride and ask when I really do need someone to step in.
I could never imagine choosing this life. But since I don't really get a choice I am learning to work with it. One thing that I am figuring out is how much you really did for me! Not just work, although my workload has definitely increased since you passed away, but also play. I feel like I am constantly trying to make up for the fact that I am not two people. I have to get the house clean, spend quality fun time with both our kids, update the blog (for journaling purposes more than anything. I realize now how much journals matter), take care of the pets, maybe work on one of my many leftover projects (I still haven't finished the bathrooms last touches), and if I am lucky rest for a couple of minutes before I collapse into bed at 11:00-11:30. I know I don't have to get everything done at once, but it all feels so important. I am realizing that I really miss you saying "Honey, lets go watch an episode of Chuck." or Bones or whatever show we were currently obsessed with. You were always so good to help me just slow down for a little while each night to enjoy each others company. Its so hard to make myself do that on my own. It is something I am definitely going to have to work at because otherwise I will just run myself into the ground...
So today I decided to practice enjoying myself. I went up and visited a friend who is moving away, went to girls night in with my neighbors and had some delicious homemade Chinese food, and am getting ready to finally watch Avatar with my friend Nathan. That movie arrived the day you left and I was waiting for you to come home to watch it. I decided it is finally time to admit you aren't going to come back to watch it with me... So all in all its been a very fun filled day and I do feel a bit more alive, although still tired. Maybe I am overdoing the play a bit because I have put it off for so long. ;)
I have also started taking an Institute class on Isaiah this week. It will be something for me to do without kids every week and I think the spiritual boost will really help my outlook as well. I really enjoyed our first class which included the plan of salvation. I am so grateful to know that we really will see each other again and that you are looking out for us everyday and love us more now than ever. I miss you, but I am learning to love you from a distance. That too will take practice, but I guess I have nothing but time...
love,
your admirer from the other side of the veil.
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