The Rule of 25

Dear Michael,

A couple of nights ago Little M decided that he wasn't going to sleep from 4-5 in the morning. You know, he was too busy trying to get out a little gift for me and then he needed to eat but was too awake after doing his business to fall back asleep quickly. So while he was all awake I turned on a National Geographics special about Yellowstone. I am still so sad we never made our trip there this summer. I really wanted to visit it with you, we tried to go for an anniversary and a during the summer but it just never happened. But I guess you can visit it whenever you want to now so it doesn't really matter. And I will take our children there soon so they can see it too.

Anyways, the show talked about yellowstones rivers and waterfalls and wildlife. It also talked about the wildfires that take place there. I remember learning about the huge fires in my collage classes and how we learned that it was important to let small fires burn so that the whole park doesn't end up burning like in 1988.

Scientists have learned a lot about the good that forest fires do for the environment since that time. The show talked about something called the "Rule of 25". This rule refers to how each tree burns for an average of 25 seconds. This is the perfect amount of time for the fire to do its job. It melts the resin in each pine cone so that the cone can release its seeds. Too much longer and the seeds burn up, not long enough and the resin doesn't melt so the seeds are trapped. This made me think about trials in our lives. Specifically this trial in my life. I started pondering the scriptures on the "refiners fire."

3rd Nephi 24:3 And he shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver; and he shall ^apurify the ^bsons of Levi, and purge them as gold and silver, that they may ^coffer unto the Lord an offering in righteousness.

I started to think about how we each have to go through our own refining fire. This fire seems to do massive amounts of damage, but really it is purifying us. It helps to open up our seeds of potential and create people who are more compassionate and understanding. We become more humble, loving, and obedient to our heavenly father. God is a very good refiner. He doesn't set us in the fire and then forget about us. Like the trees we burn for just the right amount of time. We can't burn for such a short time that we never learn what we needed from our trial, and he won't let us burn so long that we are destroyed by the flames. I am grateful for that fact. I know that this is a very difficult flame to bear, but I am so grateful to know that Heavenly father loves me enough to watch closely and he won't make it more than I can handle. Even though it may feel like it at times...

I love you so much. I wish I could call you up on the phone and tell you about my thoughts and the things I am learning through this process of grief, but I can't. So I will continue to write you instead. I miss you so much. I love you forever!
Love,
Jenny

Gratitude and a Precious Gift

Dear Michael,
Happy Thanksgiving. I missed you a lot this Holiday, less so during the time that was busy with family and friends, but so much during the quiet time. Especially today... we went to Craigos pizza for dinner. It was fun to get out and eat with Little E and talk with my sisters and Mom and Dad, but it brought back a lot of memories and I missed you so much. I couldn't help looking over at the booth we had eaten together in last time we went. I miss you so much, and I also miss the person that I was then. That girl that was so happy and didn't have a gaping hole that can't seem to heal. I also had to laugh as I pulled into the parking lot and stopped near where I was sick when pregnant with Little E. I couldn't make it inside to the restroom and some people walked past in the parking lot. You looked at them and signaled to them that I had been drinking and that was why I was sick! You stinker. lol We really did have so many great times there. Lots of fun conversations and laughter. I miss your laugh...

I am trying very hard to maintain my grateful outlook on life during these holidays. It is very hard to watch my sisters and see them snuggled up next to their husbands and know that I don't get that this year, but I still have so much to be grateful for. I just have to keep reminding myself of that.

I was looking through your computer a little while ago and found a talk you gave last year at this time. It was all about gratitude. I needed to read it. It really helped me to keep things in perspective yesterday. I thought I would share it here so that your sisters and mom could read it.


Gratitude

    When I was younger I read a book called “The Celestine Prophecies”.  In this story the main character James was on a daring adventure to reach a greater knowledge.  Along his way James was told the key to opening the floodgate of this hidden knowledge. It was to recognize the beauty in an object, person, or idea.  Once the seeker had done this, his perception of the world would change and he would be able to see how the world really was.
    This story was fiction, but I felt it did have many truths to it.  For a disciple to come before the throne of God in prayer they must first be grateful.  To be grateful one needs to recognize that everything comes from God. Everything bares his fingerprints.  Carl Sagan said, “ If you want to create an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.”   Every thing that is around us, every bug, every blade of grass, every blessing, and every trail has been created through his will, And God does not do poor work, there is beauty in all of it when properly understood.
    As a teacher I have seen this principle in my classroom.  I teach several different periods of science.  One period shows an active interest in what I am teaching, they ask questions, and are excited to learn more.  Of course I’m excited to give them more and so I am able to explain new exciting theories, inventions, and ideas that they won’t be introduced to until they are in college.  One of my other classes rarely ask questions and much of my time is spent trying to keep their attention and keep them on task, while their time and opportunity for learning and greater knowledge is lost because of their complacency.  But gratitude is the antidote to the poison of complacency.  Gratitude shows us that we are in need and moves our soul to repay those who we are indebted to. King Benjamin said to his people, “ For behold, are not we all beggars? Do we not all depend upon the same being, even God, for all the substance which we have, for both food and raiment, and for gold, and for silver, and for all the riches which we have of every kind? 
 In one of my favorite movies one of the main characters says, “ My father once told me everyone you see, everyone you know is asleep, but those few who are awake spend their lives in constant wonder”.  Once you can see the world that God has created then you are ready for him to give you more.
    Gratitude can be broken up into many parts. The part I want to focus on is having gratitude as a part of your paradigm.  A paradigm is the window through which you view the world.  Grief, despair, and disinterest, can tint our view making us see an ugly, bleak landscape, void of happiness, beauty, joy and kindness.  But when we fill our hearts with happiness, thank those who are kind to us, and strive to give to others the kindness that has been given us, our paradigm window becomes bright, clear, and in focus! Acts of love that have been show to you jump out where you had only perceived anger.
    When your view of the world changes in this way it is called a paradigm shift.  One example of such shifts is found in the story of the conversion of Alma the Younger.  When Alma was young he had fallen away from the church and was actively pursuing its destruction.  One day while on the road an angel appeared to him to warn him of his destruction if he did not change his ways.  Alma then fell into unconsciousness, while he was in this state he said he was, “ Racked with torment, while I was harrowed up by the memory for my sins, behold I remembered also to have heard my father prophesy unto the people concerning the coming of the son of God, to atone for the sins of the world.  Now, as my mind caught hold upon this thought, I cried with in my heart; O Jesus, thou Son of God, Have mercy on me, who am encircled about by the everlasting chains of death!  And now behold, when I thought this I could remember my pains no more… And oh, what joy, and what marvelous light did I behold; yea my soul was filled with joy as exceeding was my pain.”  Alma’s paradigm of life was forever altered through the power of the atonement.  Where his window was distorted by sin, and disbelief, now was clear with truth and joy!  These shifts should be prayed for and sought after.  Richard Bach said, “ Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they’re yours!”  This goes for the way you view life.  If you insist upon seeing gloom, there will only be gloom. If you say there is light, there will be light through even the darkest times of your life.  As the duchess of Windsor said when asked what is the secret of living a long and happy life, “Fill what is empty, empty what is full, and scratch where it itches.”
    It is my hope brothers and sisters, that we can fill our hearts with hope and gratitude for our lord and master, that we can empty our souls of grief and despair, and lift and give balm to those who are in need, so that we may have a long and happy life!  In the name of our lord Jesus Christ amen.    
Michael-November 2009






Today I am grateful for the gifts I have been given. For the words that you left for me to find, the family I have to hold me up and support me, my wonderful ward who are loving and helpful, and a loving savior who made it possible for me to live happily with you again someday. I will try to maintain my gratitude attitude as much as possible. It seems like the times I have been happiest lately are the times that I am focused on being thankful for what I have, instead of focusing on what I have lost.

One thing that I am extremely grateful for is the talent my friends have and their willingness to share. One of my good friends wanted to help make me a new family portrait with my whole family in it. I never would have thought of that without her suggestion. However, she just had a new baby and I didn't want to distract her from loving on that precious new boy. They just change so fast and are little for such a short time... So I went and did a photo session a week or so ago with my other friend Jill Aponte. She has done such amazing work for our family and I am so grateful for all of the wonderful pictures she has given me, but most of all for this precious gift of a picture of all of us together. It is something I never thought I would get and I am so so happy to have it!

Happy Thanksgiving! I love you and miss you so much!
Love,
Jenny

Car shopping and Knocking on Wood.

Dear Michael,

A lot has happened in the last couple of weeks. I will only tell you about a few of them right now because I hope to get to bed a little early tonight so I can feel like a real person instead of a zombie tomorrow morning.

First of all I want to tell you about our new car! I have been looking for a new car for over 3 months now trying to figure out what I wanted and what would make my life easier instead of more complex. I really liked the Toyota Rav 4 because it seemed like it would be a good family car but it also had a cool outdoorsy look to it that fit our family. But in the end I settled on the less cool looking but totally awesome Chrysler Town and Country van. I know, we only have 2 kids and shouldn't need a van, but it had some real perks that I just couldn't let slip away. First, it could carry our whole family plus my sister and her kids. Since you passed away we seem to travel in a "pack." I have a hard time facing the simplest trip to the store or library without some form of backup. So its really nice to be able to take just one car but have all the support I need to make it through an outing.
The other feature that totally sold me on this car is the doors that open themselves at the push of a button. I know it sounds like I am totally spoiling myself with this feature, but it was more about safety than anything else. A little girl was killed in a parking lot nearby recently and the idea of losing another member of our little family tortures me. I love the idea of being able to open the door in a parking lot by just pushing a button while keeping a hold of each of our kid's hands so they can't get away from me. It just seemed worth it to have that little extra peace of mind. I don't know what I would do if something happened to either of my precious angels. Like your mom told me, after something like this happens to you, you put a lot less trust in "statistics" and often feel like something could happen at any moment. This feature really helps to sooth my anxiety... plus its just really cool! :)

Well, as I said I have been car shopping for a while now and when I finally narrowed it down to this van I took it for a day long test drive. I took it shopping to make sure I liked how it loaded up with groceries, parked it in the garage to see if it fit, and hauled my sister and her daughter off to the cemetery, or "daddy's place" as we call it, to visit you and give you a gift. I hope you like it. Its a solar light to help me find you if I visit after dark... So after all of this test driving I hauled everyone back home and took the car back to the dealership (a half hours drive away). I pulled into the parking lot, got out of the car, and realized that I had left my cars keys at home and had no way to get it unlocked and get back home! I felt so stupid and couldn't beleive that I had taken the keys off my belt loop without realizing that I would need them to get back after I dropped the car off! Doh!!
So I called my dad and he grabbed the spare key from his house and drove it down to me so I could get my car home. When he arrived at the dealership a half hour later and I tried the key I realized it was that weird key that only opened the trunk of our Honda Accord and started the engine... that's right. It wouldn't' open any of the doors to get into the car! So dad and I opened the trunk and fiddled with it until I got the back seat to fold down a bit. The sales people were totally laughing as I used my amazing yoga skills to try to climb in the trunk and past the seat so that I could unlock a door. The biggest problem was that I had Little M's car seat base still in the car so the seat only folded halfway down. It was so awkward and when I finally got the door unlocked it took me a few minutes to manage to get myself out of the trunk! So far there have only been a few times that I feel like you have been nearby, and I am sure that you were standing there laughing as you watched me try to get back out. lol There is no way that you ever would have fit!

The other thing I wanted to tell you about was some new things I have learned about grief lately. I read a very interesting definition the other day that I found very insightful. Loss is when we lose hopes and dreams that are core to our existence. Grieving is the process we go through that forces us to let go of old hopes and dreams to get new hopes and dreams that are now obtainable. I thought about this for awhile and came up with an analogy that kind of fits. I feel like a spider caught in my own web. I spent years spinning my web, my home. Creating dreams and plans out of silken threads, making it beautiful and just the way I wanted it to be. My web was comfortable and perfect. But suddenly, all of those dreams and plans became something unobtainable. I found myself caught in the silken threads that used to be what held me up. Those dreams and hopes became something that tortures me because they can't be... and we were such dreamers. There are an awful lot of threads holding me fast in this trap. So slowly, day by day, I have to cut my beautiful threads in order to break free. It is hard to cut through even the smallest one, but I don't really have a choice. It is a job that I have to do because I can't remain trapped here forever...

I have talked with several friends on the process of grieving and also read some good books and talks. One book had a very interesting thought in it. You know how important I feel food storage is. I always wanted our family to be "prepared for the worst" and have tried to continually build our supply and knowledge so that we would be able to take care of ourselves in an emergency. Well one of the books I read pointed out the fact that we should also have "spiritual food storage", meaning we should prepare ourselves spiritually for when we need to go through the process of grieving. Often our society pretends that nothing can happen to us, we try to ignore the possibilities because if we do maybe they will go away. The author recommended that instead of ignoring these possibilities we should prepare for them to happen. Because if you think about, eventually everyone loses someone close to them. We all die. It is just a matter of time. We should try to prepare ourselves for this inevitable trial so that it will be easier when it finally happens. I wish I would have prepared more, but I am grateful for the small supply I was able to gather before this storm hit. I have also realized how my trial has blessed other peoples lives as they use it to build their own spiritual food storage for the future.

This was one of my favorite songs growing up, I never paid attention to the lyrics before, but it really fits with this idea.




Love,
Jenny

Ps. Your baby boy is smiling and cooing at me. He is so utterly kissable! As my sister says, you can't keep from kissing him if your are holding him. Its like his head is a magnet! Thank you for helping prepare such a perfect angel to join our little family!

A Valentine

Dear Michael,

You are such a romantic at heart. :) I love that about you! I was looking through your Ipod a couple of nights ago, I am slowly learning to use the thing and looking through each ap to see if there is anything you wrote or left in it. One of the aps is called "Love Poems". I had to laugh a little when I saw that one. I remember you downloading it and reading a couple of them to me. It wasn't too long ago. I would guess it was in June...

Well, when I opened up that ap there was the last poem you had looked up. I remember you reading it to me and liking it then. But it has much more significance now. I read it and it was almost like you had left it just for me to find. Thank you so much for this sweet valentine.

A Valentine to My Wife

by EUGENE FIELD

Accept, dear girl, this little token,

And if between the lines you seek,

You'll find the love I've often spoken

The love my dying lips shall speak.

Our little ones are making merry

O'er am'rous ditties rhymed in jest,

But in these words (though awkward very)

The genuine article's expressed.

You are as fair and sweet and tender,

Dear brown-eyed little sweetheart mine,

As when, a callow youth and slender,

I asked to be your Valentine.

What though these years of ours be fleeting?

What though the years of youth be flown?

I'll mock old Tempus with repeating,

"I love my love and her alone!"

And when I fall before his reaping,

And when my stuttering speech is dumb,

Think not my love is dead or sleeping,

But that it waits for you to come.

So take, dear love, this little token,

And if there speaks in any line

The sentiment I'd fain have spoken,

Say, will you kiss your Valentine?


This poem reminded me of the way that you used to jokingly ask me "Will you marry me?" over and over again. You would pop down on one knee or leave me a note, or just wisper it in my ear while we were doing the dishes together. This continued for our entire marriage. I always answered the same as I will for your final question... "Again and again and again!" It was our little joke but I always meant it. I would marry you again and again if I could. There was a time during some of my really bad days that I wondered if I would have chosen not to have married and loved you in order to avoid the pain I have had to feel at losing you. The answer came to me quickly. It was a resounding no! I am so glad for the five short years we had together. I would do it all over again even knowing how it ended. But that is just it, it isn't the end. I get you for eternity. So yes Michael, I will kiss my Valentine. Again and again as soon as I am with you on the other side of the veil... and hopefully in my dreams before then! I am so glad to know that your love is "not dead or sleeping" and that you are anxiously waiting for our reunion too.
I love you so much!
Jenny

The Spirit World.

Dear Michael,

Today has been a really good day. I have been reading and listening to several talks/books on death and the spirit world. It has brought me a lot of comfort to read the doctrine myself and to learn more about what a beautiful place you are in now. I still miss you terribly, but it is comforting to learn that you are nearby and love me even more deeply than you did while you were still alive. One talk I listened to was given at the education week we were supposed to attend this summer together. I never made it because it was during the time that Little E and I got so sick, but one of your old friends gave me the title to this talk and it has helped me so much today. One of the things that I have been concerned about is how much you are still you if that makes sense. If you still like what you used to, have the same sense of humor etc. This talk addressed that issue and so many others that have wandered through my mind over the past few months. I am very grateful to your friend for sending it my way.





Here is the link if you want to watch it on the original web site.
http://www.byutv.org/watch/306-1501

I love you, I am so glad to know that you are nearby and that you are so happy.
Jenny

Yard work and more

Dear Michael,

I am really missing you tonight. It has been a hard 24 hours. Last night Little E woke me up over and over again because she has a cold and didn't want to go back to sleep after coughing fits woke her. By the end of the night I was in tears missing you and being able to pass her off to you when I couldn't take anymore. Since I couldn't cry on your shoulder I used your shirt to dry my tears.

By the time morning came I had a better outlook on life. I got a good couple hours in at the end and wasn't too exhausted when I got up. Little E and I just chilled most of the morning and watched netflix. Then we took a shower together. She and I talked about the last shower you took with us and how she gave you kisses and snuggled you. She added that you tickled her. :) When she adds details like that it gives me hope that she remembers more of you than I think and will keep those memories close. We blew bubbles using soap the way that you used to and she giggled and giggled. It was a fun moment, but it also reminded me of what was missing from the moment...

I also finally charged your IPod touch back up today and started slowing looking though it. It makes me feel like you should still be here. It still had your searches entered, notes written, the last calculation you had done on the calculator, the last scripture you had read (2 Nephi chpt 5), and the last song you had listened to (Clare de Lune, it was your alarm clock).  One thing that made me so happy was when I found a note you had written on your trip to Alaska. It was basically a journal entry containing everything from the first 2 days. The rest of your trip you emailed me about. I am going to compile them into a blog entry and post pictures from your trip. It was something you had planed on doing, but I never gave you time before you had to leave for North Idaho. It was so nice to read a new thing from you. When I find those it is almost like I get you back for just a minute.

Then my mom came and let me go vote and also helped me to get in enough of a nap so that I wouldn't kill either of our children due to lack of sleep. For which I am very grateful. By the end of the night last night I was relating way to much to the following video.




After my nap my sweet brother came and his family helped me to get the yard and garage ready for winter. It was a fun FHE and we got a lot done. Even though I was just doing yard work, it made me ache from missing you. You were always the one to be out there getting things weeded, mowed, raked up, and cleaned up. I took down your bug zapper that you loved and were so excited to get. Then I cleaned up the patio, which still had everything we had cleaned out of the garage and put there to sort through. I never got around to finishing up that task and it was hard to realize that the last person who had moved those things was you. I really wish you were here to help me with these mundane everyday chores. I miss watching you obsessively pulling up weeds and clover from the lawn until your fingers turned green, I miss seeing you mow the lawn, I miss you banging around in the garage on some project. It is really hard to know that you won't ever use any of those tools again, that your gloves will go unused and that the clover will probably never be battled again...

After we finished the yard work, the girls treated me to diner at a nearby restaurant. It was the one that I worked at while dating you. I really haven't been there in years, and it has changed hand since then. It surprised me how little it had changed since then. I was hit by a wave of memories from that first summer we spent together. You coming down to have diner there just so you could see me for a few more minutes during the day, you waiting for me in the parking lot with the invader zim shirt you got me as a gift, your face proposal in the foyer after you had my ring re-sized (the people eating there were so shocked when I quickly said yes, gave you a kiss, and you walked out the door! lol I had to reassure them that you had already proposed and that you had just been fooling around.)  I thought about our date there where we had the whole second level to ourselves. You had file minion and loved it. It was always one of your favorite meals and you considered it to be such a treat. I miss our dates, it was always so nice to just get to talk with you about everything. You were always such a deep thinker and enjoyed talking about everything from science to philosophy. Oh how I miss our talks.

Going to that restaurant made me so wish that I could go back to that happy time. That summer was one of the best of my life. We spent so much time together, and had so much fun. I used to get off of work and speed up to your apartment even though I would only have a few minutes until girls out to see you. You would greet me with a hug grin, hug, and kiss. We would sit and talk until I had to leave, and you didn't even mind that I smelled like hamburgers and laundry soap. I would often stay until curfew and would be so tired by the time I had to leave that you would worry about me getting home safely. Often you would call as soon as I left to talk to me on the phone and keep me awake on the road. You also lent me your cd "Muse- Absolution" to listen to on nights like that. The songs on that cd have made me think of that summer for years, now they will forever remind me of the fun we had together.

Well, I should probably go to bed because I am guessing that Little E will have another rough night and I don't want my inner devil to come out and try to smother her or something. I was just missing you and wanted to talk to you. This is the best I can do, and it often makes me feel a little better to write you this way.

I love you so much,  I am so grateful for all you did for me. The every day things that I always took for granted. I remember you talking to me this summer about how it seemed like I thought what you did wasn't important. I admit that at times I wanted you to work on other things that I considered to be more vital and important than the to do list you had created for yourself. Now that I am having to do all of the things you used to I realize how much work and effort you were really doing and that it was all to show me that you loved me. I was grateful then, even if it didn't seem like it, but I am so much more aware and grateful to your efforts now. I just wish you were here for me to tell you thank you one more time. To bring you a glass of Dr. Pepper with ice while you did yard work as a way to show my love. It is just so hard to not be able to do things for and with you...

Love,
Jenny

Halloween and the Baby Blessing

Happy Halloween Michael!

We had such a fun filled Halloween full of family and friends. A few days ago we were able to go to a Halloween carnival with a few really good friends. It was run by a lot of my ward members and it was really fun to see so many of them dressed up in their costumes. Little E had a great time playing all of the games and getting candy and prizes at all of the stations. Little E went as a sheep to the carnival in a costume that her aunt gave her. She ran around the whole afternoon saying "Baa! Baa!" and crawling around on all fours.

We also had an FHE where we carved pumpkins and frosted cookies. I carved one for little E using flashing eyes that someone gave us for a gift. Then I carved one in honor of you. At first I was going to make a puking pumpkin like you used to by having its insides come out of its mouth, but then I thought of a better tribute.  Do you remember the Jack hoodie you bought me last year for Christmas? I used it to make my pumpkin Jack from the nightmare before christmas. I wish we could sit down and watch it together. I think you would have liked my pumpkin, I hope so because it took forever!

The next day we went to a special story time where she got to go in her costume and see what the "magic pumpkin seeds" they had planted the week before had grown into. The hallways where they had thrown the seeds was filled with pumpkins and treat filled bags. Little E really enjoys story time, she is starting to learn all of the songs and actually sings along sometimes but mostly she just does the hand movements. Her cousin Little A goes along as well. She wore a princess costume that Little E wore last year. They were both so cute in it. I am glad that I got to see it used a second time. :)

The next day I was able to go out and have a fun afternoon with my friend. My Mom took the kids and Nathan and I went to the "Zombie Apocalypse", it was an event where people dressed up as zombies and walked main street in a nearby town. We had a great time, and had a pizza afterward. I ate half of it in no time and really enjoyed it because now that I have two kids I almost never get a chance to eat as much as I want without interruption. One of them is always hungry/throwing a fit when I want to eat. lol We had a really great time, but I wish you could have been there too. Its totally something you would have loved. I can imagine that you would have been walking around with your practice sword looking for a zombie to battle. :) Or maybe you would have preferred to join the horde...

On the way home from town I had a lot of mixed feelings. I was happy that I got out of the house and had a child free outing, but really sad that you hadn't been there laughing with me. While driving down the hill I saw the most stunning sunset between the two buttes. I continued to drive down the hill and looked at all the beautiful colors that God had painted across the sky, sunsets contain my very favorite colors of pink and orange and this one was spectacular! I made a U turn and found a driveway that I could stop in to take a picture of it. It doesn't do the colors justice but it was the best I could do. The mountain on the right is the one that you proposed to me on, and where we had our very first date. It will always have a soft spot in my heart. I still think its funny that when you first called and asked me to hike it with you that Saturday, I heard "Our" mountain instead of "R" mountain. I will forever think of it as Our mountain now.

After seeing the sunset I had such feelings of peace and gratitude for most of the drive home. Whenever I see a beautiful one that has just the right colors, it makes me feel like God painted it just to tell me that he loves me. That he is thinking of me and wanted to show how much he cares... but by the time I got near home it was getting dark and those feelings began to fade. Since I had a minute to myself I went by the lake. I sat on the swing set where we had our first kiss and cried. I felt so alone and didn't want to go on. It amazes me how bipolar I have become. One minute I am on top of the world and know that God is real, you are near, and that you both love me. The next minute I wonder if I even have a testimony, and if life is really worth all this pain to live it... I don't know what makes the difference. I really am trying to hold onto those good moments and remember them, but the darker moments are very hard to make it through. I don't want anyone to think that I would ever consider taking the easy way out, but sometimes it is really hard to want to take my next breath knowing that if I just stopped I would finally be back with you.

Enough whining, lets move on to happier times this week.

So much of our family came up for Halloween and the blessing. We went trick or treating around my moms home on Saturday night. Instead of being the little lamb Little E was Little Bo Peep and Little M and I were her sheep. We even drew a little black nose on him. Little E wasn't feeling good and had a really hard time that night. She went back and forth between having a great time and throwing the biggest fits ever! It didn't help that she wouldn't eat (although she managed to get at least 5 suckers through begging and stealing) and she kept tripping or slipping and hurting her legs. They are all black and blue now and I feel so bad that I passed on my klutzy gene to her. The poor thing is in for a rough ride...

After trick or treating we came back home and played with another one of her cousins. It was so cute to see them running around the house together. I loved when they sat down on her Dora couch and read books by each other. It was just so cute!

The next morning started bright and early with Little M's baby blessing. I asked my Dad to bless him since you weren't here to do the honors. So many family members came such a long ways to help bless him. It was wonderful to see him surrounded by men that love him, I know any one of them will gladly help me if I need them. I am sure they will give Little M all the advice he needs and that many manly outings await him in the future.

It was a very different baby blessing though. I have never been to one where it sounded like half the congregation had a cold due to all the sniffling. The bishop even had to pause while announcing Little M's name. At first I thought I had written it poorly enough that he couldn't read my writing, but then I realized that he was just having a hard time like the rest of us. So many people have been touched by Little M's arrival and your departure. It is truly amazing to see.

After my father blessed him I snuck into the back of the room to give your older sister a chance to hold Little M for a while. She traveled such a long ways and only had a few short hours to be with us before her whole family had to head home. It was so fun to see all of his boy cousins surround him. They all wanted to rub his head, hold him, or just look at him. :) I could tell that they loved him already and will probably do for him what you always did for them. Her second boy held Little M for a while and I so wish I could have snapped a picture. It looked so much like the picture of you holding your nephew T when he was a baby, kind of awkward but so darn cute! I can't beleive how much all of her boys are growing up. The two oldest are both so manly now. It kind of freaks me out a little because I know someday Little M will pull that trick on me!

After sacrament let out we went over to the library where we had rented a room to eat lunch in. That's right, we had to rent a room because we had too many people here to eat at any one of our homes. You would have been so happy to see the turnout. You were such a stinker about giving your sisters a hard time and trying to guilt them into coming to the blessing. Well, you got your way. The only one who wasn't able to come had a very valid reason, she got sick last minute. :( We missed her so much! But its nice that she lives close enough to be here for many other wonderful events in Little M's life.

The lunch was so much fun. We introduced ourselves and included our favorite music in our introduction. You would have laughed at some of the bands that people chose as their favorites. My favorite one was Your sisters youngest. He said "My favorite kind of music is heavy metal" which is exactly what his older brother had said moments earlier. But it sounds so funny coming out of a 5 year old's mouth! All of the kids had a great time running around with each other and the adults laughed together and it just felt so good to enjoy each others company. I will really miss your family this winter. I know I can't make the drive to visit them until the snows clear but it had been so nice to see them so much in the past couple of months. It was a sad reason that they came, but a joy to have them here.


I know that you weren't here physically this weekend, and I truly missed having you by my side. But I also know that there is no way in the world you would have missed your sons blessing. I am sure you were in that circle right by my fathers side, helping him to know what to say.