Halloween and the Baby Blessing

Happy Halloween Michael!

We had such a fun filled Halloween full of family and friends. A few days ago we were able to go to a Halloween carnival with a few really good friends. It was run by a lot of my ward members and it was really fun to see so many of them dressed up in their costumes. Little E had a great time playing all of the games and getting candy and prizes at all of the stations. Little E went as a sheep to the carnival in a costume that her aunt gave her. She ran around the whole afternoon saying "Baa! Baa!" and crawling around on all fours.

We also had an FHE where we carved pumpkins and frosted cookies. I carved one for little E using flashing eyes that someone gave us for a gift. Then I carved one in honor of you. At first I was going to make a puking pumpkin like you used to by having its insides come out of its mouth, but then I thought of a better tribute.  Do you remember the Jack hoodie you bought me last year for Christmas? I used it to make my pumpkin Jack from the nightmare before christmas. I wish we could sit down and watch it together. I think you would have liked my pumpkin, I hope so because it took forever!

The next day we went to a special story time where she got to go in her costume and see what the "magic pumpkin seeds" they had planted the week before had grown into. The hallways where they had thrown the seeds was filled with pumpkins and treat filled bags. Little E really enjoys story time, she is starting to learn all of the songs and actually sings along sometimes but mostly she just does the hand movements. Her cousin Little A goes along as well. She wore a princess costume that Little E wore last year. They were both so cute in it. I am glad that I got to see it used a second time. :)

The next day I was able to go out and have a fun afternoon with my friend. My Mom took the kids and Nathan and I went to the "Zombie Apocalypse", it was an event where people dressed up as zombies and walked main street in a nearby town. We had a great time, and had a pizza afterward. I ate half of it in no time and really enjoyed it because now that I have two kids I almost never get a chance to eat as much as I want without interruption. One of them is always hungry/throwing a fit when I want to eat. lol We had a really great time, but I wish you could have been there too. Its totally something you would have loved. I can imagine that you would have been walking around with your practice sword looking for a zombie to battle. :) Or maybe you would have preferred to join the horde...

On the way home from town I had a lot of mixed feelings. I was happy that I got out of the house and had a child free outing, but really sad that you hadn't been there laughing with me. While driving down the hill I saw the most stunning sunset between the two buttes. I continued to drive down the hill and looked at all the beautiful colors that God had painted across the sky, sunsets contain my very favorite colors of pink and orange and this one was spectacular! I made a U turn and found a driveway that I could stop in to take a picture of it. It doesn't do the colors justice but it was the best I could do. The mountain on the right is the one that you proposed to me on, and where we had our very first date. It will always have a soft spot in my heart. I still think its funny that when you first called and asked me to hike it with you that Saturday, I heard "Our" mountain instead of "R" mountain. I will forever think of it as Our mountain now.

After seeing the sunset I had such feelings of peace and gratitude for most of the drive home. Whenever I see a beautiful one that has just the right colors, it makes me feel like God painted it just to tell me that he loves me. That he is thinking of me and wanted to show how much he cares... but by the time I got near home it was getting dark and those feelings began to fade. Since I had a minute to myself I went by the lake. I sat on the swing set where we had our first kiss and cried. I felt so alone and didn't want to go on. It amazes me how bipolar I have become. One minute I am on top of the world and know that God is real, you are near, and that you both love me. The next minute I wonder if I even have a testimony, and if life is really worth all this pain to live it... I don't know what makes the difference. I really am trying to hold onto those good moments and remember them, but the darker moments are very hard to make it through. I don't want anyone to think that I would ever consider taking the easy way out, but sometimes it is really hard to want to take my next breath knowing that if I just stopped I would finally be back with you.

Enough whining, lets move on to happier times this week.

So much of our family came up for Halloween and the blessing. We went trick or treating around my moms home on Saturday night. Instead of being the little lamb Little E was Little Bo Peep and Little M and I were her sheep. We even drew a little black nose on him. Little E wasn't feeling good and had a really hard time that night. She went back and forth between having a great time and throwing the biggest fits ever! It didn't help that she wouldn't eat (although she managed to get at least 5 suckers through begging and stealing) and she kept tripping or slipping and hurting her legs. They are all black and blue now and I feel so bad that I passed on my klutzy gene to her. The poor thing is in for a rough ride...

After trick or treating we came back home and played with another one of her cousins. It was so cute to see them running around the house together. I loved when they sat down on her Dora couch and read books by each other. It was just so cute!

The next morning started bright and early with Little M's baby blessing. I asked my Dad to bless him since you weren't here to do the honors. So many family members came such a long ways to help bless him. It was wonderful to see him surrounded by men that love him, I know any one of them will gladly help me if I need them. I am sure they will give Little M all the advice he needs and that many manly outings await him in the future.

It was a very different baby blessing though. I have never been to one where it sounded like half the congregation had a cold due to all the sniffling. The bishop even had to pause while announcing Little M's name. At first I thought I had written it poorly enough that he couldn't read my writing, but then I realized that he was just having a hard time like the rest of us. So many people have been touched by Little M's arrival and your departure. It is truly amazing to see.

After my father blessed him I snuck into the back of the room to give your older sister a chance to hold Little M for a while. She traveled such a long ways and only had a few short hours to be with us before her whole family had to head home. It was so fun to see all of his boy cousins surround him. They all wanted to rub his head, hold him, or just look at him. :) I could tell that they loved him already and will probably do for him what you always did for them. Her second boy held Little M for a while and I so wish I could have snapped a picture. It looked so much like the picture of you holding your nephew T when he was a baby, kind of awkward but so darn cute! I can't beleive how much all of her boys are growing up. The two oldest are both so manly now. It kind of freaks me out a little because I know someday Little M will pull that trick on me!

After sacrament let out we went over to the library where we had rented a room to eat lunch in. That's right, we had to rent a room because we had too many people here to eat at any one of our homes. You would have been so happy to see the turnout. You were such a stinker about giving your sisters a hard time and trying to guilt them into coming to the blessing. Well, you got your way. The only one who wasn't able to come had a very valid reason, she got sick last minute. :( We missed her so much! But its nice that she lives close enough to be here for many other wonderful events in Little M's life.

The lunch was so much fun. We introduced ourselves and included our favorite music in our introduction. You would have laughed at some of the bands that people chose as their favorites. My favorite one was Your sisters youngest. He said "My favorite kind of music is heavy metal" which is exactly what his older brother had said moments earlier. But it sounds so funny coming out of a 5 year old's mouth! All of the kids had a great time running around with each other and the adults laughed together and it just felt so good to enjoy each others company. I will really miss your family this winter. I know I can't make the drive to visit them until the snows clear but it had been so nice to see them so much in the past couple of months. It was a sad reason that they came, but a joy to have them here.


I know that you weren't here physically this weekend, and I truly missed having you by my side. But I also know that there is no way in the world you would have missed your sons blessing. I am sure you were in that circle right by my fathers side, helping him to know what to say.