Goodbye Collage Avenue

Dear Michael,

I had an interesting day last Tuesday. I woke up and decided to read my scriptures at the beginning of the day instead of before bed. I didn't know why, but it just felt right. While I read I had such a feeling of peace. I found myself thinking, "God is in control. He has helped me to be happy in spite of so many reasons to be sad. He has helped me focus on the good things in my life. I know I have a long way to go, but with his help I will be able to handle the bad things that are coming too." Then I got up and went about my day.

I have been training for a triathlon. Tuesdays workout was a swim, so I headed to town so I could use the pool. This pool is located a block away from the street that we lived on when we started dating. I love driving past that street. It has so many happy memories. Sometimes when I really miss you I would stop and go into the entry way of your old apt to just smell the air and remember. Its not a pleasant smell, that complex stank! But it always helped me to remember those happy times. :)

When I drove by Tuesday morning, the whole place was gone... demolished... just a hole in the ground. I had known this was coming. I got warning almost a year ago and took time to go take pictures and videos of our apartments and the street. Still, when I saw that it had actually happened, it took my breath away. I can't believe how quickly things can just be gone. Less than 3 days earlier everything was still there.

I sat there in shock for a moment, shed a few small tears, and then moved on with my day. I swam the fastest half mile of my life (18 mins. Its amazing how much of a motivator anger and grief can be in a workout.) I drove past Collage Ave again on my way home and snapped a couple of pictures. Then I went back to my normal life. I made a conscious decision to let it go and just be happy with the day. I thought back to the feelings of peace I'd had that morning and realized that God had known what was coming and was trying to prepare me for it. More than anything I just felt grateful. I know that this would have taken me out if it had happened last summer. I wouldn't have been able to handle it. I needed to be able to find shelter there, in the empty parking lot or hallway. It was important that I was able to go to Collage Avenue while I grieved. It was important that I got to take pictures and show Little E around where we used to live. I needed that, and Heavenly Father made sure I got it.

A picture my friend Carly took of us in front of 105. I am so grateful she took the time.

I am constantly amazed with how my grieving has changed over the last year. I cry very infrequently, usually only when something you did or loved gets damaged by one of the kids. That takes me out in a way that often surprises Little E and worries her. Luckily it happens very rarely. The rest of the time I usually just sigh and move on. When people ask how I am doing I say, "Good, its turning into a sighing grief instead of a sobbing grief." I am grateful for the change. Crying gives me a headache. Although sometimes it brings a lot of relief and helps me feel less stressed. I guess its just a balancing act.

I will miss Collage Avenue. It was such a great place for us. But I am so grateful for the memories, pictures, and stories I get to keep forever.

Love,
Jenny

This stump was the tree right next to my house. On one of our first dates we climbed this tree and ate popsicles together. It was hard to see this cut down too, but that was a long time ago. 

This was 105, the house I lived in.

Yup, just a big hole now.

This is right across the street. It was the boys apt complex where Michael lived.

A page of quotes Michael loved.

I am finally going through my office and trying to sort out all of the paperwork. Its hard to decide what to keep, what to throw away, and what to give to others. I often feel like a treasure hunter when I do projects like this. I never know when a paper will pop up that has something to do with Michael. I found this list of quotes. I think he was preparing for a talk in church and just started compiling all of the quotes that spoke to him. The stared one is what he chose to use. He had a little mark next to it to remind himself. :) I decided that this would be the best way to preserve the list without having to keep that one sheet of paper from getting lost again. Reading these quotes made me laugh a lot. Some of them are very him.


"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, ad intellect has intended us to forgo their use." Galileo Galilei

"The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work." Emile Zola (1840-1902)

"Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems." Rene Descartes (1596-1650), "Doscours de la Methode"

"In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends." Martin Luther King Jr. (1929-1968)

"Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right." Henry Ford (1863-1947)

"I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves." Ludwig Wittgenstein (1889-1951)

"Problems worthy of attack prove their worth by fighting back." Paul Erdos (1913-1996)

"Dancing is silent poetry." Simonides (556-468bc)

"The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad." Salvador Dali (1904-1989)

"Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws." Plato (427-347 B.C.)

"Everybody pities the weak; jealousy you have to earn." Arnold Schwarzenegger (1947-)

"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake." Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)

"The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved'- the pig was 'committed'." -unknown

"If you are going through hell, keep going." Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

"He who has a 'why' to live, can bear with almost any 'how'." Friedrich Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh." Voltaire (1694-1778)

"I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter." Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

"Facts are the enemy of truth." Don Quixote- "Man of La Mancha"

"When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world." George Washington Carver (1864-1943)

"How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself." Anais Nin (1903-1977)

"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." Thomas Alva Edison (1847-1931) 

"Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth." Sherlock Holmes (by Sir Aurthur Conan Doyle, 1859-1930)

"Black holes are where God divided by zero." Steven Wright

"I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it." Groucho Marx (1895-1977)

"You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it." Gilbert Deith Chesterton (1874-1936)

"An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered." Gilbert Keith Chesterton (1874-1955)

"There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life." Frank Zappa

"Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working." Albert Giacometti (sculptor)

"Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away." Antoine de Saint Exupery

"Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome." Isaac Asimov

* "If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe." Carl Sagan

"It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts." G.B. Burgin

"Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens." Jimi Hendrix

"A clever man commits no minor blunders." Goethe (1749-1832)

"Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours." Richard Bach

"Sleep is an excellent way of listening to an opera." James Stephens (1882-1950)

"It was the experience of mystery- even if mixed with fear- that engendered religion." Albert Einstein (1870-1955)

"When you gaze long into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you." Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)

"Success usually comes to those who are too busy to e looking for it." Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)

"While we are postponing, life speeds by." Seneca (3BC-65AD)

"Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?" Bumper Sticker

"Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches." The Duchess of Windsor, when asked what is the secret of a long and happy life. 

"The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows." Aristotle Onassis (1906-1975)

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has no heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains." Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience." W.B. Prescott

"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one." Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

Happy 33rd Birthday Daddy!

Michael, today turned out much better than I had planned. In fact I think it turned out so well because most of it wasn't planned. :) I like to do a service gift on hard days to try to distract myself from grieving. It makes it easier when I don't just sit and think "Why me." In the past I have done things for your family because I felt like they really needed it. Today I decided that I really needed to do something for Little E. I made a digital photo album of all the pictures I have of you and her together. I was surprised by how few there really were, but I am grateful for every one we have. I got them printed and will be putting them in an album for her birthday. But this afternoon I made a video of them with music. She loved it. :) I had picked out the second song "I love you alway forever" months ago, but I needed 2 songs and couldn't think of what to use for the other one. On the way home to make the movie, I was playing the Ipod on shuffle. "Till kingdom come" by coldplay came on and I realized it was the perfect song! The two went so well together. It was almost like they made a duet, one sung by you, the other by Little E. Anyways, in that moment I felt you today. It was a little thing, but just what I needed to make it through another though day. Thank you for that!

After Little E got out of preschool we went out to eat (I had sushi just for you.) and then had Dibs ice cream bites at Daddy's place and sang Happy birthday to you. I finished off the night with an episode of Dollhouse. My friend Ashley is helping me to finish the series. I never thought I would watch it all because we never made it to the end. I will let you know the ending. ;)

Happy Birthday Daddy! Thank you for always celebrating ours with a bang, I hope you approve of what we did for yours.

Love,
Jenny

To watch the video you may have to go to it on Youtube. It seems to be having trouble playing on the blog. Just click the little youtube button in the bottom right corner.

Mountains In The Distance

Tonight as I drove home I saw a beautiful sight. It was a golden sunset with vivid purple mountains below it. As I looked at those mountains they got me thinking. Eternity is like those mountains. During the day, I almost never notice them. They are visible in the distance, but not very clearly. They definitely don't draw much attention. But when the end of the day draws near, and the sun sets behind them they become beautifully clear. They have such detail and I would look at them for hours if I could, although the sun sets quickly and I only glimpse them for a short moment.

Now that I have painted that picture for you, allow me to explain how they are like Eternity. Eternity is always there, if we focus on it we will see it brightly in our future. But most of the time our everyday lives get in the way and we just don't notice. However, as we enter the sunset of our lives, it becomes our focus.

Now I want to paint a new picture for you. Michael proposed to me on top of R mountain, it is a Butte that overlooks this same mountain range. At the time there was a thunderstorm raging in the distance. I could see the lightning flash behind those mountains and focused on the storm as Michael fumbled clumsily behind me trying to get the ring out of its plastic and into the box to propose. Now when I think back to that storm, I realize that it is very much like grief. It was turbulent, powerful, and dark. However, it helped me to see those mountains just as well as the beautiful sunset, at times maybe even more clearly. Grief brings eternity into focus in a way that nothing else can. I am often grateful for the way that this experience has changed my life. The ways it has forced me to focus on what is truly important.

This beautiful photo shows both the mountain range as I saw it tonight and R Mountain on the left of the Temple. To see it larger please visit Flicker.  

Decision making

As you have probably noticed I haven't been blogging much lately. One of my goals for this winter has been to get my life in order. That includes organizing our home (I am nearly through with the first floor and will soon move into the basement where my real work will begin). I also want to organize all of our family photos with stories. So instead of blogging here I started a private blog and have slowly tried to keep up with what we are currently doing while working backwards through our photos. It is a long and time consuming process. I was considering letting this blog go because I haven't felt like there was time to keep it up while working on the other projects too. But I looked today and it seems like there are still a lot of people looking at my blog. I was wondering who you were and if you wanted me to continue blogging here, even if they are only short posts. I am not sure if this blog has been helpful to others. Maybe it is just family and friends looking here, in which case I can just keep them up to date on facebook. Maybe its just people who randomly found my blog, look at it once, and never come back. But if there are people who actually care to have me continue, just let me know and I will try. If this blog is helping others it is worth the effort. If not, I will continue to work on my goals and maybe come back to this blog in the summer when I have gotten through more of our past stories.
Thanks,
Jenny