I had an interesting day last Tuesday. I woke up and decided to read my scriptures at the beginning of the day instead of before bed. I didn't know why, but it just felt right. While I read I had such a feeling of peace. I found myself thinking, "God is in control. He has helped me to be happy in spite of so many reasons to be sad. He has helped me focus on the good things in my life. I know I have a long way to go, but with his help I will be able to handle the bad things that are coming too." Then I got up and went about my day.
I have been training for a triathlon. Tuesdays workout was a swim, so I headed to town so I could use the pool. This pool is located a block away from the street that we lived on when we started dating. I love driving past that street. It has so many happy memories. Sometimes when I really miss you I would stop and go into the entry way of your old apt to just smell the air and remember. Its not a pleasant smell, that complex stank! But it always helped me to remember those happy times. :)
When I drove by Tuesday morning, the whole place was gone... demolished... just a hole in the ground. I had known this was coming. I got warning almost a year ago and took time to go take pictures and videos of our apartments and the street. Still, when I saw that it had actually happened, it took my breath away. I can't believe how quickly things can just be gone. Less than 3 days earlier everything was still there.
I sat there in shock for a moment, shed a few small tears, and then moved on with my day. I swam the fastest half mile of my life (18 mins. Its amazing how much of a motivator anger and grief can be in a workout.) I drove past Collage Ave again on my way home and snapped a couple of pictures. Then I went back to my normal life. I made a conscious decision to let it go and just be happy with the day. I thought back to the feelings of peace I'd had that morning and realized that God had known what was coming and was trying to prepare me for it. More than anything I just felt grateful. I know that this would have taken me out if it had happened last summer. I wouldn't have been able to handle it. I needed to be able to find shelter there, in the empty parking lot or hallway. It was important that I was able to go to Collage Avenue while I grieved. It was important that I got to take pictures and show Little E around where we used to live. I needed that, and Heavenly Father made sure I got it.
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| A picture my friend Carly took of us in front of 105. I am so grateful she took the time. |
I am constantly amazed with how my grieving has changed over the last year. I cry very infrequently, usually only when something you did or loved gets damaged by one of the kids. That takes me out in a way that often surprises Little E and worries her. Luckily it happens very rarely. The rest of the time I usually just sigh and move on. When people ask how I am doing I say, "Good, its turning into a sighing grief instead of a sobbing grief." I am grateful for the change. Crying gives me a headache. Although sometimes it brings a lot of relief and helps me feel less stressed. I guess its just a balancing act.
I will miss Collage Avenue. It was such a great place for us. But I am so grateful for the memories, pictures, and stories I get to keep forever.
Love,
Jenny
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| This stump was the tree right next to my house. On one of our first dates we climbed this tree and ate popsicles together. It was hard to see this cut down too, but that was a long time ago. |
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| This was 105, the house I lived in. |
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| Yup, just a big hole now. |
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| This is right across the street. It was the boys apt complex where Michael lived. |
1 comment:
OH Jen that would be hard. I am grateful that the Lord helps us face what we don't think we could handle.
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