Its hard to realize that you really aren't coming home. That this isn't a temporary state of missing you. That I will never hear you voice saying I love you unless its on a recording or in a dream... It really hurts.
I know we will be together again. But I don't know how long I will have to wait until that beautiful day. I hate waiting. I want you to come and hold your newborn son and snuggle me at night and tell me that you love me. I need you!
Since I couldn't sleep I decided to go upload the pictures from our babies homecoming. Then I started looking through pictures. This one jumped out at me. It was from 4th of July 2008. We were at the riot zone with Lori's family. The look on your face just said I love you too me. I know you love me. I miss you. I can't wait until our sweet reunion.
I so wish that you were here for me to tell you these stories. I wanted to wake you up last night so you could laugh and laugh with me at your daughters silly antics. I am sure you probably were there laughing anyways. You probably even saw more of what was going on than I did.
Last night I put Little E to bed and she seemed to go right to sleep. I snuck in around midnight to tuck her back into bed (she gets out from under her blankets and then gets cold between 3 and 5 and wants a whole bunch of attention if she wakes up completely. Better to just tuck her in before I go to sleep.) She was sleeping backwards in her bed on top of all of the sheets and blankets. I turned her back around and tucked her in. She sighed a little and settled down to sleep for what I thought would be the rest of the night.
About 3 am I hear a thump and a couple of other sounds from her room. I listened for a while trying to decide if I should go and check on her. I didn't hear much else and decided she could put herself back to bed if she had gotten up and I might as well get her used to being in charge whether or not she sleeps in her bed or on the floor...
6 am, I hear a little whimper from her room. I decided I would go and check on her because I couldn't do another round of wondering what she was up to. I walk into the room to find the light on (we love the dimmer you installed! She turns on her light almost every night but its still dim enough that she will go back to sleep with it on.) All of her toys are strewn accross the floor along with her pair of pajamas she had been wearing. She is asleep on top of the bed and all of her blankets in just a diaper with a book (dora goes to school) on top of her face. I laughed and pulled out a couple of spare blankets to cover her little naked body and hopefully keep her warm for the next couple hours so we could both get some good sleep. Who knows how long she was up playing last night. :) I really wished I could have woken you up to see her cute naked body in that big girl bed...
This morning she had another goober moment. I put on a deago for her to watch while I showered and left her in our bed with a sisi. When I came back out she was talking to the show (answering questions it was asking) and had her sisi on like a hat! I had to snap a picture because it was so funny to me. It was like she didn't want to lose it so she had found a safe place to store it. And what place is safer than on top of your head? What a silly little girl we have raised. lol
Did you know that you left a little angel to watch over and take care of me? Little E has been so wonderful to me through this entire process. Sure she has her moments where she wants to be defiant or has a melt down, but she has been such a blessing every day. Watching her joy at the simplest things in life brings joy into what could be a very dreary looking world to me. She gets so excited when she sees a lady bug or spider and pretends to catch them all the time. But they quickly "fly away!" and need to be caught again! "I did it!!! I catch it!!" She really has been enjoying the cat face spider living outside of baby brothers bedroom window the past couple of days. She watched him climb up his web with a bug yesterday and since has talked about the "cat spider" eating the "nummy bug!" a lot. Today at bedtime the thing she wanted to tell you about was how Trek at a fly when I opened the front door. They like to get in between the front door and the screen door and he goes nuts trying to catch them whenever I open it. She watched him snap up a fly and said, "Mmm Nummy fly!" and I told her Trek thought they were nummy but that she and I would think they were yucky. So at bedtime she told you about Trek eating a "nummy yucky fly!" I can never get over what thing she will remember at the end of the day and think is important. lol She is so sweet to me when I cry. I have decided not to hide my tears from her. I was reading a book and it talked about how if we hide our tears from those we love we are taking away a bonding experience from them. I don't ever want her to feel that tears are something to be ashamed of or hidden. So I have stopped hiding them all the time. I let them flow freely when they decide to come, which has been often lately. I was listening to music on the computer with her in our room while we folded some laundry. The Scientist by Coldplay came on and I began to cry. I miss you so terribly sometimes and that song really fits how I feel. She looked up and said "oh no! Mommy crying!" I told her it was ok and that mommy was still happy, but that mommy was going to cry sometimes. She then grabbed one of the wash clothes we had folded and began tenderly wiping away each and every one of my tears. She kissed me and hugged me while patting my back and saying "I know mommy, I know." She truly is an Angel sent to keep me going. I wake up in the morning for her. If she weren't here I don't know that I could even get out of bed, she brings joy and light into this nightmare I have found myself living. Thank you so much for giving her to me. And thank you for this new little baby. I am sure he will bring even more joy to my life every day too.
I love you, I miss you, Jenny
Thank you to Jill Aponte for the beautiful pictures of my sweet angel. http://jillphotography.blogspot.com/
This testimony was written by Michael as a gift to his Mom and Dad for Christmas. I love reading it, and am so grateful for the last paragraph. He knew we would be together forever. I know it too. We are stuck together for good and there is nothing he can do about it! Not even dieing will get him out of this contract!
Michael McCullough's Testimony
As I have started my life as a married man I have had a few interesting realizations. The gospel is meant for the family. Until recently I had always thought that my relationship with my Heavenly Father had been a personal thing that was only between us. His commandments were for my personal peace and happiness. If I broke those commandments I would be the only one that suffered for my mistake. While most of this is true I’m starting to realize that the gospel has a much larger goal in mind. While it binds man to his maker, it also welds families together. I have found that my personal relationship with my maker also affects my relationship to my wife, my future children, and even how I interact with everyone around me. It shapes the way I perceive my world around me. If I have been distant and disobedient to his will, I am easily agitated, more self-serving, I feel discontented with life, and am unable to recognize the goodness that others have done for me. When I am striving to live the commandments, I fall deeper in love with my darling bride, I want to go out of my way to make her happy, and I feel content with the blessings that I have been given. Now that Jenn and I have our own little family I’ve been so excited to give her blessings when she is sick, have our very own home teachers visit us, and pray together at the edge of our bed. When we have been worried the spirit has soothed us after a prayer. I have found that a man in the gospel is strong, but a family united in the gospel is much stronger. The gospel is designed to bring Husband, Wife, and Children closer together and make them strong. Gordon B. Hinckley said, “ The gospel makes bad men good, and good men better.” As I look back at my life I can see how I have been nudged, pushed, and out right shoved by his guiding hand. I know that Heavenly father has a plan and purpose for me. In my greatest hour of need and distress I have felt his hand on my back soothing me to my core, giving me an eye to rest in as the torrent lashes around me. I have also discovered that my love for him is very similar to what I feel for my wife. At first there was infatuation, or an intense feeling based on what you think this person is. Then comes a period of disillusionment when you realize this person is not what you thought. Finally come the love that is driven, even made of truth. The more you learn of that true person the more you love them. The more I understand of our God, the way he interacts with me, reasons with me, and shows me his love, the more I love him. I know that God lives, I know he loves and knows me. I know that our Lord and Master paid for my sins out of love for me. I know that He broke the bands of death so that I might live with him and the rest of my family. I know that we are sealed and welded together by the power of the holy priesthood forever; there will never be a permanent good bye! Mom and Dad I love you both so much, I love you more as now I’m trying to do the job you did so well. Thank you for my life! In the name of our Lord and Redeemer Jesus Christ, Amen. Michael Spencer McCullough 12-10-2006
It seems like time just rushes past and I don't know where it is going. But at the same time I know that there is such a long road ahead of me before I get to see you again...
Little E has been so sweet to me since you died. She gives me hugs when I ask for them and kisses whenever I need one. She even brings me tissues when I cry and tells me "Its ok mommy, don't cry." She is so sweet. She really misses you. She talks about you all the time and says "Maybe see daddy someday." We have talked about how "someday" we will all be together again with heavenly father, Jesus, and you. She looks forward to that as much as I do. She requests "daddy movies" all the time. We watch them for probably at least a half hour each day, if not longer. Her favorites are one of you having Trek jump in her bed and you and her during swimming lessons. I was so happy when I found those pictures. I had been so scared that you deleted them before going to Alaska because I couldn't find them anywhere. They were hiding on an SD card in the camera case! I cried when I finally found them. Thank you for helping me to think of where to look.
I have been working on degirlifying the baby room. It is looking much more manly everyday! I put up lots of glow in the dark star stickers and when your mom comes down she is bringing your planet Earth that was in your room in High School. It will match perfectly. Basically the only thing that is girly in there now is the hanging lamp. I just haven't found a good replacement for it and need the light in that corner so I can't take it down until I have a new one. Don't worry though, I am on the hunt and will find something really cool! The room really does look cool when the lights are off in there. I think he will really like it.
I am trying to get everything ready for him to come. I have been having contractions on and off for days. They are almost always 10 minutes apart but I know that they aren't really doing much at this point. Mom keeps thinking I am going to go into labor any minute, but I feel like it will still be awhile, mostly because I don't think you are ready to give him up yet... I want you to get as much time as you need with him. Give him all the love and advice he needs to be strong in this life. I know you are taking good care of him as long as you can.
I also know you are doing your best to take good care of us. Little E is learning slowly that you are here and we just can't see you. We have even started telling you about her day every night before bed. She seems to really like talking to you about all the fun things she did. Today she told you about throwing rocks in the ditch (but got mad when I called it a ditch and told me she threw them in the water!) and how she jumped on the trampoline. Yesterday she was very excited to tell you about the lady bugs she had caught. I think this new part of the routine is really helping her to feel closer to you. It helps me too. I still have a hard time trying to talk to you, but I can do it with her. And most of her day is my day too. lol
I took her to visit your grave on Monday night. I explained that we were going to see where daddy's body was, but that your spirit was always around us. She kindof seemed to understand when we first got there, but got very upset when I took her to the car and she hadn't really "seen" you. I felt bad but tried to explain it a little better. She calmed down quickly but I know that she misses you more than I realize most of the time. I just wish there were some way she could see you again. For now the daddy movies will have to do... I still hope that the second coming is near so that this doesn't have to go on too long. One can always hope right?
I also was able to do some maternity shots with Jill. I wasn't going to really bother this time around, but I decided baby brother would probably appreciate knowing that I was still excited for him to come. These pictures were a way of showing him that. She took a great one of Little E knocking on my tummy just like you did for one of her maternity shots. She put them together in the cutest Montague and I am so excited to put it up in our home. It is one of my favorite pictures of you because you were always such a big joker! It totally shows that side of you. I love it.
I had a great baby shower put on by our friends in the ward. Lots of people showed up and I had a really great time. Even Jen and Jay brought the boys up and spent the night. They were such a huge help to me and we had a great time talking and reminiscing. They even adopted Osiris for us, which has been a huge load off of my shoulders. I was so sad to let him go, and Little E was really upset about it, but at least this way she still gets to visit him. I hope he makes for a really good mouser for them and takes care of all of their rodent problems so that Jen won't have to worry anymore. Its just not fair of those little mice to make her scream when she has broken ribs. I call that malicious! Little stinkers!
Well, I know it doesn't sound like I have been up to much, but I am mostly just trying to make it to the end of every day without major mishap and have been doing a pretty good job so far. We are doing ok, but really miss you every waking minute, and most of the sleeping ones too. I love the few dreams I have had with you in them. I haven't been dreaming much lately, I think my subconcious is trying to protect me or something, but I wish I could have more of them with you in it. It would make me happy to go to bed at night... hint hint.
I love you very much and miss you! I hope you are doing all that you were called away to do and enjoying every minute with our little boy.
