Ode to the fallen star

Dear Michael,

I decided this morning was going to be a normal Saturday, like the ones I grew up with. That means lots of cleaning and getting things back in order. I started with the bookshelf... I haven't gotten any further yet. Instead I had a breakdown.

While I was organizing the shelf to dust it, I found your tape "storm". I thought, why not listen to it? I don't even know what is on it. Well, I put it in and it is the tape with "Just like heaven" and all of your meditation music. I was shocked by the vivid memory I had of listening to this music in your room at your parents house. I can remember you pulling it out of the long wooden box under your bookshelf and saying, "I used to fall asleep to this tape every night". I can remember you putting it into your old tape player on the bookshelf and sitting in your room next to you while we listened to the music. We listened to the whole tape while you went through your treasured memories from high school with me. We were so excited to begin our life together. We had just gotten engaged and loved every moment we spent with each other. Every memory we got to share. We were just so in love with each other! The shock of all of this memory rushing back to me was huge. I had to stop the tape for a second and collect myself. But after a minute I was able to put it back on and thought I would be just fine listening to it while I cleaned.

It was hard when "Just like heaven" came on. This was the first real song Little M listened to after he was born. I hadn't listened to any music really and he was about 2 weeks old. Music was just too hard, it made me cry whenever I listened to it. But we went to the mall for a little outing and were sitting in the play area for Little E to get out some energy. I was next to my Mom and the song started playing. I looked down at our new son and remembered when you danced with Little E in our dining room to her first song "Caterpillar Girl". I started sobbing and said to him "This is a great song! From a great band! Your daddy loved this song. Listen well."

That memory of a very difficult moment was in my head while I continued tidying the shelves. Then I noticed a little piece of paper sticking out from between a few books. I thought, "Probably another old piece of paperwork" and opened it up. It was a poem you had written. I had totally forgotten about it. As I held that paper in my hands I broke down. My strength was gone. There was nothing left of me but a women who misses her love more than she can bear. Six months is so long to be without you. So very very long, and its only the beginning of what I have to face. As I broke down Little E came up behind me and tried to comfort me again. "Here, you can borrow my silky Mommy. Whats wrong?" "I just miss your daddy so very very much" "Oh... You can hold my baby! She is in my bed!" and she ran off to get something to make it all better. I held her and baby and cried and cried for the whole song. Then I took a deep breath and became a mom again. I read her a story, played and danced with her, and made her feel safe again. I told her, sometimes mommy just has to cry, and that's ok. It felt good to just give in for a little bit. I would give anything just to have one more hug from you. One more night in your arms, but I am thankful for the little reminders of the love and life we shared together. Even if they may be more than I can take at that exact moment.

Ode to the fallen star

Oh to the star that has fallen

now retreated within the black

So much lost

So much lost

What light you could have been given

What light you could have given back

But now you have fallen

So much lost 

So much lost

The sirens song you leaned to listen

Her lemon drops, and midnight whispers

Offering to give you what you lack.

So much lost 

So much lost

Oh to the void that swallows

Gobbling all in sight

Oh to the darkness of night

Infecting all that is not light

So much lost 

So much lost

 So stay to the path of safety!

Stay to that which is right

Peace is the reward that is given

To those who bask in the light

By M. M.

I miss you so much! I looked in the mirror yesterday and noticed that I had burst blood vessels in my eyelids from the tears I had cried on your grave the 27th. I lay there on the snow and didn't want to move. I just wanted to lay there for as long as it took to finally be with you again. But that isn't my life, I have 2 little ones depending on me, needing me to be there to tell them about the person you are. I take that responsibility and carry it during my days, and let it carry me through the dark nights and hours when I have nothing else. I am doing my best. I will try to bask in the light. But for the moment, I will cling to the small rays that have struggled through the clouds and they will be enough.

I love you, I wish we could sit in your room again like on that day and just be two people in love. But we can't. Instead I will have to love you from here. And I do, oh how I do...