Three Months

Dear Michael,

I can't beleive that it has been a full three months since I heard your beautiful voice, or held your hand. I am still so grateful for our last day together, that we shared such a sweet morning and final kiss. I will forever hold those memories in my heart like a candle fighting back the darkness of lonely nights. Thank you for that.

People ask me how I am doing, how I cope with living everyone's worst nightmare. I have to admit that I am not sure myself how I am making it through each day. When I think back to that first night, when I wanted to crawl into a hole and stop existing in order to get away from the pain I am amazed that I even made it to the next morning. But life continues, and you don't really have a choice but to keep going along with it. So I live, and sometimes I have a really great day where I just remember the wonderful things we enjoyed and they aren't tainted with pain, just filled with joy. Other days I have a really hard time just making it through each minute. I have always been a happy person, mostly because I never had anything worth really being unhappy about. I never had huge stresses in my life, or things to be really nervous about. That changed a bit when you passed away. Now I can understand what people mean by "panic attacks." I have experienced several of them in the past few months and never knew before I had one how strong they really could be. But given time I am able to calm myself down and remind myself that while I am living everyone's "worst nightmare" I am also living everyone's dream. Because I am still married to the man of my dreams and we have been promised eternal life. Not only eternal life, but an eternal marriage and family as well. If I can manage to remind myself of that fact, and that eternity is not so far away and life is short and should be enjoyed, I can get through those moments of panic.



There are times of day that I am growing to hate... they mean something more than just the numbers showing up on the clock. I hate 7:20 in the morning because I should be hearing Claire de Lune on your Ipod. Then I should get a big good morning kiss and snuggle before you head off to the shower...
I hate 11:00 because its the time that you should be at lunch, a time that I could have surprised you at your school with little E and Little M to just visit you for no real reason.
I hate 2:30 because I want so desperately to get a phone call from you during prep period. I know I complained about you always calling me during nap time and waking up Little E or me with the phone, but I really came to count on hearing your voice at that time of day. Getting to hear all about the funny things your students were doing and telling you all about what your children were up to. (Little M pooped on me twice this morning and peed on me once. That is what we would have talked and laughed about today...)
Probably most of all I hate 4:20. I want to hear the garage door open and see you walking past the kitchen window, talking on the phone with either your sister or best friend Norm. I sometimes look at the door and hope so desperately that you will just walk through it, but know that you never will again... I hate it.
I dread bedtime. Its easier to face now than it was. Now that I am exhausted and just want sleep for a few short hours before one of our children wake me up. (Last night Little M slept 6 hours straight which would have been awesome if little E hadn't woken me up at 2 to change her diaper. I couldn't beleive it when she called me in and said "I peed, I need a new diaper." when normally I can't get her to stop and let me change her when her diaper is hanging past her knees! lol Little stinker!) It is still hard though. I brush my teeth and wish that you were there fighting me to get to the sink too. Then I lie down in bed and pull your body pillow close to me because it almost feels like you lying there, and I snuggle up to your Dr. Pepper shirt and try to sleep without your warm arms around me.

While there are hard times during each day, my tears have become less frequent and more resigned. I still miss you terribly and while there is a deep ache in the pit of my stomach there is also deep joy in my heart. I have learned to try to change my vocabulary to no longer include words like, "should have, would be, or ought to". I have learned that no one is entitled to anything in this life. We should just be grateful for everything that we have and every day we get to share together. The only thing we are truly promised is the love of our Savior, and that he will comfort us when life hurts. I think this experience has made me a better mother, sister, and friend. I am more patient and drink in each moment more deeply because I don't know how many moments I will get...

I love you, I am grateful for the 5 years we had together and the eternity we have ahead of us. I am grateful for the strength you gave me during those 5 years, you really helped prepare me for this difficult time and I am so glad you did. I don't know what I would have done without all the effort you put into making me a stronger woman. I am grateful for all the memories we created, although I dread the day when I have written down and thought about all of them and I have nothing new to add...
 

I miss you so much
Love,
Jenny