The One Year Mark

Dear Michael,

I can't believe a year ago today I wrote this post. What a difference a year can make. I think back to when I wrote that at 1:30 in the morning. I was in complete shock. Right after I wrote it I went downstairs to my old bedroom and passed through the most violent grief I have ever experienced in my life. I honestly wasn't sure the baby and I would survive it. It was terrifying. I thought about that night as I laid down in bed and quietly went to sleep by myself last night. This has become my life, and I have come to love it. 

A year later and I am now happy again. My body is in some of the best shape of its adult life, my mind is active and brings me thoughts of joy and gratitude, my testimony has recovered and grown, and I am filled with hope for the future. What a huge distance our little family has come in the last year. I hope you are proud of the progress we have made and the strength we are gaining from this experience.


A lot of people were very worried about me today, but this was actually a lot easier than last week. I was really struggling then because I dreaded yesterday, and I had learned our old dating grounds of Collage Ave were being torn down in a month. That was a huge blow to me. I went up and recorded all I could of it and cried to know it wouldn't be there for our children to see in person. But then I had three small miracles happen at the end of the week that were each little I love you's that I could tell you were sending my way. I wrote about them all in my journal, but feel they are too special and private to be shared on this blog. Thank you for each of them. I can't tell you how they strengthened me.

I thought long and hard about what to do today to remember you and make it easier on the family. A few days ago I felt inspired and made a plan. I hope you enjoyed the results. I don't have time this morning to write in to much detail, but here is how the day went. I woke up and did my workout (biked 6.5 miles, ran 15 min, walked 15 min.) at my Mom's. After that my nephew came over to help me make preparations for our afternoon plans. Then Lori and I went to the temple for a sealing session. Afterwords we came home and got the kids ready for the real fun out at the cemetery.  I hope no one will find the activity we did offensive, but it was just so perfectly you. I am sure you loved watching and joined in the laughter. :)

First we brought an entire cooler full of water balloons and let the younger kids hit them with the bat. The best part was when we let my "mature" father take a turn with pitching. He was so naughty! He kept throwing them at the adults and right at some of the kids instead of their bats. He had such a maniacal glint in his eye as he did it too. lol It was great!

Next we pulled out the big kid fun. All of my neighbors gave me their milk cartons and I filled them with water and brought out your machete, katana, and cukury (I have no idea how to spell that one). We all had a ball slicing them open in midair or setting them on top of your stone and disemboweling them Michael style. Our good friends Brodi and Dana were able to come and Brodi helped make it perfect. I couldn't help but laugh at his well practiced techniques and think back to how often we did this while living next door to each other. I know you must have been grinning from ear to ear just as we were. It couldn't have gone better and I was so glad that I found a way to make the day so much fun for all of us, but so entirely fitting. After all, this was one of your favorite pastimes.

I will post videos later but I just don't have time right now. We have been running crazy for weeks now!


We love you Michael. I am so grateful to have made it through the first year and to have had so much support from both sides of the veil. I like to think about this year as being one year closer to seeing you again. We miss you and love you so very dearly.

Love,
Jenny