Just trying to take each day as it comes,

Dear Michael,

I have been having a hard time the past few days. It feels like I just can't handle my reality as well as I normally can. I am fine during the times that the kids are up or that I am busy with other people, but during the evening hours it has gotten hard again. I feel like I just don't have the energy to handle thoughts that keep circling in my head. I don't want to, so instead I turn on Scrubs and try not to think. I don't get much done once the kids are asleep, but I think that is ok. I have been through this cycle before. Soon I will have a good breakdown and feel better and more motivated again. I have had a couple of hard moments lately. But not a full blown breakdown for a couple of weeks. I can feel it coming, and I oddly look forward to the release. Weird huh? But I guess I am just learning what my method of dealing is right now.

I had a kind of hard time this week for a few different reasons. One reason was that I have been listening to your Ipod while driving in the car. It has brought up all kinds of memories and emotions that I usually am able to keep buried. Memories of you singing The Cures "doing the unstuck" in the kitchen while dancing with Little E and I after diner. So many wonderful times where we were just sitting in the car laughing and talking while we drove to the store or went on a date. It has been really hard but something I have enjoyed at the same time. I had an entire day of driving on Tuesday because I went to Logan and back to save that dog from being put down. I know it was dumb, but I just couldn't face having his death on my conscience. It would have been too much on top of everything else... So I spent the day in the car listening to your music and thinking of you. I have such a hard time when I realize how long I have to go before I get to actually have a two way conversation with you again. It spend so much time thinking of what I would say to you or writing to you... never getting a response. It really really stinks. But I know that it will get easier. I have already seen that. This journey is just one made up of many ups and downs and I am not sure if it will ever really end until my life is finally done and I feel your warm arms around me. In fact I am pretty sure it won't. Its the nature of the beast I guess.

Wednesday was pretty hard too. I went to swing night hoping for a distraction. It was fun, but I felt pretty awkward again because it was a new semester so there was a lot of getting to know you questions that I am still not comfortable with. I feel like I have to lie in a way because I don't want every person I dance with to know that I am a mother of 2 and a widow at age 24. So I answer with as little info as possible and hope that they will let me switch the conversation to being about them quickly. Anyways, I finally got over my awkwardness for the most part and was feeling pretty good. Then I danced with a guy who asked me what I did right as the next song started. It was our wedding song "A wink and a smile". I blanked and said "actually I am a stay at home mom." then he asked if I was married and I said "I'm a widow and I have to go, this is my wedding song..." and ran out of the room crying. I sobbed in the hallway through the whole song. I felt so stupid and wondered why I even bother leaving the house when I am obviously not really fitting in anywhere. I don't really fit in with the single people or the married people. I don't even fit in with those who have been divorced. I pretty much feel awkward everywhere I go. Hopefully I can get past that but for now it just makes it hard to want do anything but sit around at home and watch my stupid show.

Well, after I got control of myself I went back in and apologized to the guy for running out on him like that. He told me not to worry about it and that I am an amazing person and gave me a hug. It was sweet but I sure don't feel like an amazing person. I feel like I am just struggling to make it through the days.
I do have to admit, I wondered for a minute if that song playing was your doing. He was pretty much the nicest looking guy there that night. I wondered if it was your way of saying "No liking anyone but me Jenny!" The thought made me laugh.

Thursday was hard too. I went to a CPR class and just listening to the process was hard. He talked about drownings and what you would have to do and I couldn't help but imagine what the scene was like by the water when they pulled you up, or on the way to the hospital. I still don't know much about what happened that day. I mostly try to block out any questions or thoughts I have about it because they don't do any good. I don't ever get any answers. So why torture myself? What's the point? But I am glad I went to the class. It is nice to know that if someone needed help I have some knowledge and might just be able to help keep their family from going through the things we are. 

Well, writing all of this down has been about all the thoughts that I can handle tonight, so back to my mindless episodes of Scrubs. Hopefully they can help me make it through until its late enough to fall asleep.  I love you honey. I miss you more than words can express. We will get there, one day at a time.

Love,
Jenny

Ps. I just wanted to write down the reason that we picked our wedding song. I had forgotten until I read through my journal. It was the song you sang on the lake shore to me while we danced in the light of the setting sun just before we had our first kiss. What a wonderful summer that was. It was magical. I loved dancing with you while you sang to me...


I have to say my favorite part of this song is when he says "Its the perfect day for making out" and "rip zip and bop and bop and kiss her well" because of the way you always sang it to me.  You made me laugh every time! You also always ran a finger down your face while singing "everything that makes you cry". And you would blow a kiss at the end. Oh this song is just so full of you! I love it. I wish I could see you dance to it just one more time. But I guess that is what memories are for.


(Added a couple new songs to the play list. Live like were dying-Kris Allen, Wink and a smile-Harry Connick Jr., World spins madly on-Weepies.)