I'm waiting for my real life to begin...

Dear Michael,
I was laying in bed trying to take a nap while the kids were both sleeping and I just couldn't fall asleep. I tossed and turned and my brain just wouldn't shut off. I was thinking about how things have changed, how they might be someday, and how they used to be. It amazes me that I have made it so long without you. It amazes me that in some ways you are becoming a memory instead of a reality to me. I don't like that at all. It is hard for me to think of how things would be because so much has changed. The life I am living now is so utterly different from what my life was like before... with you. For example, I get the children in bed at night and can go from 7:00 pm to 7:00 am without saying a single word. I go about my work, or watch a show, or just sit and think in silence. I truly miss our conversations. I miss those evening hours with you. They were so wonderful.
One thing that I can't stop thinking about is how my life might change someday. I wonder who I might end up with. I wonder if I will just learn to be fine on my own. Really I just wonder how God will make this ok. I have been promised that. I just must lack imagination because I can't comprehend how it can be. Its not like I am terribly depressed right now. I just wonder how it will all work. I just feel like I am living in limbo, kind of like right after graduation. Not knowing what I am going to be doing in the future. I know I will be a mother to our wonderful children, but beyond that there are so many many questions.
Lately I have been watching scrubs in those lonely evening hours to try to pass the time, and have a few laughs. A lot of the episodes remind me of the fun we had watching them together after we borrowed the series from Lori. We loved them and had so many favorite moments. The other night I watched an episode where they played the song "waiting for my real life to begin." by Colin Hay. I remember you and I really liking that scene the first time we saw it. Scrubs turned us onto Colin Hay and you added his music to our blog play list shortly after. You especially loved this scene. Our favorite parts were in the closet and the last part where Cox smashes the guitar. There are a few of his songs that really have touched me through this experience.
Lori actually told me about that song right after you passed away and said it had always reminded her of you. I know you have finally found peace and a wonderful reality, now its my turn to wait. I am trying to remember that "there is a plan" and to "let the light shine in." Most of the time I am really content with my wonderful life. For I really am blessed with what I have. I just look forward to having answers someday. Until then I am trying to be patient and to grow as a person and learn what I am supposed to from this challenge. I sometimes have to remind myself that this is my real life too. I can't just wait around for someday. I have to live in the now while I dream of the future.
I love you, maybe now that I got these ramblings out I will be able to "get to sleep." :)

Jenny



WAITING FOR MY REAL LIFE TO BEGIN
Album : "Going Somewhere"
written by: Colin Hay

Any minute now, my ship is coming in
I'll keep checking the horizon
I'll stand on the bow, feel the waves come crashing
Come crashing down down down, on me

And you say, be still my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in
But don't you understand
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

When I awoke today, suddenly nothing happened
But in my dreams, I slew the dragon
And down this beaten path, and up this cobbled lane
I'm walking in my old footsteps, once again
And you say, just be here now
Forget about the past, your mask is wearing thin
Let me throw one more dice
I know that I can win
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

Any minute now, my ship is coming in
I’ll keep checking the horizon
And I'll check my machine, there's sure to be that call
It's gonna happen soon, soon, soon
It's just that times are lean

And you say, be still my love
Open up your heart, let the light shine in
Don't you understand
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin