I got to see my husband yesterday.

Yesterday afternoon I was finally able to go and see Michael. We have a very close friend of the family who runs the funeral home here in Rigby and he was so sweet and kind to me through this whole experience. I am so grateful to him.

I was very nervous about going to see Michael because I have never been to a viewing before. I didn't know how I was going to handle this, especially with it being the love of my life. The hardest moment what when I walked in the front doors. I could see him across the room and I hadn't expected to see him right away. It was so shocking because I have been very good at hiding in blissful denial up until that point. I started to cry right away but I took a few moments to get a little more composed in another room and then went in to see him.

At first all I could do was cry. My Dad was with me and he just held me tight and let me get it all out. After a few minutes (it took far less time than I thought to compose myself) I was able to calm down enough to ask for some time on my own. I had a very nice long conversation with Michael. I made him promises like that I would do my darnedest not to turn his son into a sissy boy. ;) He always wanted to make sure this little boy knew how to do all the cool things that I guy should know; like blowing fire, camping, fishing, and general mayhem. I am grateful to have so many wonderful nephews and uncles not to mention my dad to help me desissify him.

While I was talking with him I began to feel so much better. I held his hand and stroked his cheek. I ran my fingers through his hair and memorized his face. At first I was still a wreck but the room began to feel so peaceful. There was such a comforting spirit there. The spirit was trying to tell me it was all going to be ok. I have a hard time beleiving that right now, but for that moment I knew that it was true. I knew that this wonderful man was taken from me for a very important reason. I have been jokingly saying that maybe I should have aimed a little lower instead of marrying one of the best guys ever. But I am so grateful for the time I got to spend with him next to me in this life.

As I was talking with him there were a few things that I had to laugh at. One was that someone had finally gotten him in makeup. I had tried a few times to get him to let me put some on him just for kicks and giggles, but he would have nothing to do with it! I teased him about that for a moment and it helped me to feel a little better. The other thing was how big he looked laying there. I had been concerned that he wouldn't fit in the standard length casket because he was such a tall man. I had to giggle when I saw what a tight squeeze it was. He always did have a hard time finding a bed to sleep on that his feet didn't hang off of the end. We had just bought a California King this year and it kind of felt wrong to him to actually fit on the bed. Its going to be far to big for just me...

As I sat there talking to him it was very interesting how many different feelings I had going on at the same time. There was terrible sadness and confusion as to what had happened and why it had to happen. There was a small amount of pride from knowing that my husband had been called on a special mission and that he finally knew what he was supposed to be doing. He had been struggling for a few years because he felt like he hadn't found his calling yet. Now he has. There was such a strong acking to have him just turn his head and open his eyes to look and me. I wanted him to jump up and hug me and say "Just kidding honey! Wasn't that the best practical joke ever?!" I sat there promising him that if he did that I wouldn't be mad at him. I would just be so happy that it wasn't real. But he never did. I ached for his arms to reach up and hold me in his wonderful tight embrace. I wished for his hands to just squeeze mine back, even the tiniest bit. Just something to show me that he was still there. That he still loves me. That he knew I was there with him. But all I got was that peaceful feeling. I suppose it will have to be enough. It was wonderful while it lasted. I wish I could feel it now...

I have been told by several members of the family that they have felt him there comforting them. That they knew he was right there. So far I haven't felt that. I don't know if I am just too numb to feel much of anything right now or if I just wouldn't be able to recognize it in my current confused state of mind. I do know I felt the spirit comforting me. But it just felt like the same spirit I have come to know and love throughout my life. It didn't feel like Michael. It wasn't enough. I need my husband back. But since I don't get to have what I need I will learn to live with what I can get, and be grateful for it.

I am still just so grateful for my last hug and kiss. We knew he was going away for three weeks. He held me so closely and for so long. He kissed me so tenderly. I knew he loved me more than he could say. He knew I loved him too. That moment will be playing in my head forever. I just wish I could go back to it and live in it forever. One of his hugs would feel like heaven to me now.

My dearest Michael, I love you so much. I miss you. I need you. Please come back to me soon. I don't know how that would be possible, but if there is a way I know you will find it. You always were good at fixing anything that was broken. Please find a way to fix me. Please find a way to fix your poor families hearts. They miss you so much. Your mom and dad miss you so much! I know you can do it. I know it will take time. We will be patient. But please don't waist any time with dilly dallying! I will miss you every moment until we see each other again. I just hope there won't be more moments than I can handle.
I love you!
Jenny