One Month

Dear Michael,
I can't beleive it has already been a whole month since you had to leave. Time has really flown by. It kind of scares me a little how fast it is going, but also excites me. I can't wait until I get to reach the end and finally see you again. That part cannot come soon enough.

I miss so many things about our daily lives. I miss sleeping next to you. You were always so patient with my need to snuggle you and made the best heater ever in the middle of a cold night. I miss pestering you before bed trying to get you to put down your book and pay attention to me. It was all in good fun, and I know you thought it was funny too... most of the time. I miss watching you and Little E play together. She adores you so much, and could never get enough daddy time. She is still amazing on the "trabopine" and I am sure she will make you proud someday with her amazing skills. We moved her to a toddler bed yesterday. She thought it was so much fun because she could get in and out of it by herself, which means she can climb in any time of day and JUMP in it! She was showing off to me for a half an hour today. She definitely takes after you. ;)

I miss our goodbye kiss every morning, I miss you spraying your Very Sexy cologne before you left which made me sick when I was pregnant but always made me smile. It will forever make me think of you and I often sneak a sniff when I walk by your dresser now. It makes me feel like you might be a little closer for a few minutes.

I still can't imagine going back to our house and having a day over there without you. Its part of what makes it so hard for me to get back in there. I can't imagine waking up without you, not sitting accross from you at breakfast, not giving you some honey do lists. lol I am so grateful that I got you home for the summers. It was wonderful to have you around so much of the time so that you could be involved in all the fun we were having. You made every day better just by being a part of it.

It just seems so unreal that I could possibly have to go on living my life in the same place, in basically the same way, but without you in it. It can't truly be possible can it? Surely you will come back soon and we will just go on living our perfect lives while scheming ways for adventures to fill our future. I really wish there were such a thing as a time machine. It just seems so wrong that a few short minutes could rob me of you for the rest of my life. I know that there is no way this happened unless it was supposed to, but I am selfish at heart. I just want you back. I don't really care if it was something important that took you away. You are the most important thing in my life. I can't imagine what could possibly have been more important than us being together... I am willing to accept that God knows what he is doing. But I miss you so terribly that sometimes I just don't want to admit it. Sometimes I just want this whole thing to be fixed. Can't I just wake up from this nightmare and have you there to tell me it was all a bad dream and not to worry? That is looking less and less likely as this nightmare goes on day after day...

I am sorry, this letter is a little bit of a downer, but sometimes I just want to be selfish. I don't want to say what is right, and I don't want to admit that this was all done according to some master plan. I just want to be free for a while. To be able to live in a world where pain like this doesn't exist for anyone. But that is the world you now get to live in, I guess I will just have to wait for my turn to join you there.

I love you so much. I will try to be stronger and to make you proud. Your baby boy is squirming so much right now. I wish you were here to see it. You would laugh and pester him like you did Little E to make him even more rambunctious. It was always your way of getting back at me since you had to be "nice" while I was pregnant. lol I sometimes wonder if you are egging him on even now.

Have a wonderful night love. I hope you come to see me again in my dreams soon. They aren't enough but they definitely help.

Sincerely,
your lonely wife.

This video was from the 14th of July. We were having a barbecue dinner and while he cooked the meat Michael entertained Little E on the trampoline. They always had a great time chasing each other around.