6th Wedding Anniversary.

Dear Michael,

Wow, I can't beleive that it has been an entire year since I wrote this post. I was so emotional that day that I couldn't even write what I had done for our anniversary. I decided I would just record it later and I never did. This year went so much better! I can't beleive the difference that a year can make. Today in church someone talked about how when you climb a mountain you should look back at where you have already been and realize how far you have come instead of focusing on how much you have left to climb. I feel that this is something I really need to work on. I have been struggling lately on feeling overwhelmed by how little I know about my future and how much time I have left before I get to see you again. It would help me a lot if I could just focus on how much better our little family is doing and how much we have grown in the last year.

For our 5th anniversary I went to the temple and spent a good portion of the trip in tears. At one point I had a full breakdown and a sweet temple worker talked to me and helped to calm me down. It didn't help that I was only a few weeks out from having a new baby. I remember realizing that our anniversary would be that close to when Little M was due and telling you what a bad anniversary it would be, I had no idea then how bad it could really be. After going to the temple my sister took me to get a pedicure and when the girl asked some questions I just pretended that you were still alive and wished that I could make myself beleive it too. Afterward I was able to go visit you by myself which was a very rare thing back then. So while it was probably a very healing day in some ways, it was also one of the very hardest days of that entire first year.

This year was very similar in what I did, but the emotions were so different! I went to the temple with Little E and Little M and my Mom and Dad helped us to take some wonderful family pictures. Little E absolutely loves her new "princess dress" and begs to wear it whenever she sees it in the closet. They weren't all that cooperative, but we ended up with some beautiful pictures. Little E loved to twirl in front of the temple and got to see a bride in her wedding dress and was even able to smell her flowers. She had asked me on the way down if she could do that and was so happy when it actually happened. :) She loves the idea of getting married in the temple someday.

My Mom took the kids home and then Dad and I were able to do some temple work, we even got to do some work for my dads great aunt Ethel. It was really nice to have him there and this time I only felt peace while I was inside the temple. I didn't cry at all.

After the temple the kids and I went and picked out a yellow silk flower for you and took it out to Daddy's place. Little E helped me pull some clover that was growing around your marker and told you all about preschool while Little M crawled around saying "dadadadada". I thought that was interesting because he really doesn't say that sound very much. Most of the time he just talks gibberish or says one of his real words (mama, dog, this, hi). He even took a couple of steps towards your stone without any help.

That night my sisters and I had a pizza and movie party. We watched Xmen 1st class. It was a lot of fun to hang out with them and laugh at the movie together. My dad even started watching it after a while. I am still not sure if he liked it, but it was funny to have him join in the girl fun. When I say girl fun, I mean it too. We had popcorn, chocolate, dr. Pepper, and fingernail polish. What more could we need?

After that I stumbled into bed a little after midnight and was happy with the way the day had gone. Laughter and service  goes much better together than tears and service. I am grateful for how far I have come up this mountain that I get to climb and I am still so grateful for the choice I made 6 years ago in marrying you. No matter what hardships I may have to face and the pain this last year brought without you by my side, I will forever be grateful for the chance I have to be your wife.

Love,
Jenny

They both loved these roses. Little M spent a  lot of time pointing at them and saying "is! is!" which is his version of "this". He thought they were so neat!

Twirling in her princess dress.

She loves to curtsy and say "Your Majesty!" like on Alice in wonderland.

Peek a Boo!

He did not want to stay on my lap! :)

 These next three shots crack me up! Little M was making my mom work really hard to carry him back to the car. So she just threw him over her shoulder and he kept sitting up, laughing at her, and throwing himself back over her shoulder. :) I love that we got a picture of this because he loves her so much and it totally shoes in these pictures. Whenever she comes over he throws himself into her arms.

Little M's First Steps!

Dear Michael,
Little M took his first steps tonight! We went to visit our neighbors for a few minutes and when we came home Little E wanted to check the mailbox to see if we had mail. I took Little M inside and Trek was freaking out because Little E was still out by the mailbox. I got his jacket off and put him down and he took 4 steps across the living room floor towards Trek and fell on his face. He started giggling and crawled at top speed to get to the dog. I have to laugh at his timing because Little E took her first steps the day before my little sister got married at their wedding dinner. Tomorrow is our 6 year anniversary. I don't know why our kids like the day before instead of the day of a wedding/anniversary, but at least it makes things easier for me to remember! :)

I am sure you are so excited for every step this little man is taking and were probably cheering him on with me. He is such a blast and I can't help but laugh at all of his crazy antics and the way that he loves to shake his head all the time. He even does it when he crawls across the floor. I don't even know how he can tell where he is going sometimes. lol

We took his one year shots last week and as soon as I get them back I will have to post them for Grandma and Grandpa to see.

Love,
Jenny

More!

Dear Michael,

Yesterday I needed to go shopping but decided to go with the kids after nap time instead of dragging two tired grumpy kids through the store to get enough food for lunch and then going back for the bigger shopping trip later. So I just zipped through the Wendy's drive through and got some food on our way home from my Mom's. Little M loved the chili and especially loved his first ever saltine cracker. I gave it to him and after his first bite he started giggling and kept giggling with each bite after. Guess he loves them just as much as you did. :)

Yummy Saltine Cracker!!

During our bedtime snack last night he discovered the power of signing the word more. Little E figured this out at her 1st birthday for ice cream. We have a video on your old phone of it. He figured it out for his oatmeal and fruit and does it by clapping his hands. I could see the wheels in his little head turning as he figured it out. His thoughts went something like this. "You mean when I do this Mommy gives me more food? That is awesome!!! I am doing this after every bite! I LOVE food!!" He cracks me up.

Little E's First Day of School Pictures. :)

Dear Michael,

It was always a big tradition at my house growing up to take first day of school pictures with our new backpacks, outfits, and lunchboxes. I couldn't help but continue the tradition on even though Little E was pretty annoyed with me by the end of it. She looked pretty darn cute if I do say so myself and I love all the personality that shines through in these pictures. :) I am sure you are just as proud a parent as me right now.

Our proud little student. It always amazes me how big she is getting when I look at pictures! Wow she is tall!

Her backpack with the cute ribbons that Nana provided. I sewed the little white flower on but Nana made it, her grandma used to make those kinds of flowers. (Elsie I think). We wanted to be able to tell her backpack apart from the other kids. Sure enough another boy in her class has the same exact one. Guess that's what happens when you buy it at the only store in town selling them. lol

The flowers she is standing next to are her own little garden. We planted zinnias together and she has loved watching each one boom, counting them, smelling them, and picking them for friends and family. She especially loves when our humming bird friend comes to visit them and always tries to catch him.

Sitting on the front stairs watching the men across the street replacing our neighbors roof. She was fascinated!

"Smile for me honey" Cheesy grin results.

"No honey look at me." Dead pan expresses but definitely making eye contact.

"Say school!" "School!!!"

Not so sure about this whole thing. But she was excited that she held onto the yellow loop when she got back to me at the end of the day.

When she was walking back down the hall she saw me and yelled "Mommy!" two or three times. I was happy to know she had missed me too. The second thing she said was "Where is silky?" And happily grabbed it from my hand and sat down on the bench to reunite with her best friend. I wouldn't let silky join her during school but absence makes the heart grow fonder. :)

Today she showed me another thing she was so excited to have learned. "Look mom! Chris cross applesauce!" she said in her room while showing how she could sit with her legs crossed Indian style. Its how they sit during circle time and she was so excited to have learned something new. I can already tell that school will bring so many new and exciting adventures for her. She can't wait to go back to her class and talk to her teachers tomorrow.

Love,
Jenny

Little E's First Day of Pre School!

Dear Michael,
I promise I have not forgotten about you! I just haven't even loaded pictures onto the computer since my last post because things have been so crazy busy! I have a lot of fun things to catch up on including the family reunion for your mom's side of the family, my first ever triathlon, and all of the home improvement projects I have done over the last month and a half. (How the heck did we already get to the 13th of September?!!)
But I wanted to take a moment to record a momentous first! Little E had her very first day of preschool today! She was such a champ and didn't even drag silky along for the ride. It had to stay in the car. :) We only go 2 days a week but I honestly didn't know how to handle the 2.5 hours while she was gone and Little M was sleeping. It was unnerving to me to know that I didn't have to feel like I was shirking my motherly duty by not taking care of her for that time. There are so many wonderful family and friends who are willing to take care of her while I do things, but I always feel a little neglectful in taking advantage of their offers. But school is something that can help her grow! I even saw it just in the first day. We got to the school and she had to hold onto a little rope (I held onto the yellow loop mommy!) and walk quietly down the hall to her classroom. She was very nervous walking away but the teacher tells me that once she got into the class she adjusted very well and played with all her new friends. Her favorite part of the day was painting her hand blue so that she could make a hand print on paper. At bedtime she told me all about how she painted her hand blue and then had to "wash and wash and wash and wash to get the blue off. But then there was some on my arm! The teacher said I would still have some on to show you when you picked me up." Then we spent time looking together for evidence of the blue paint and she laughed and laughed when we found some under her nails.

I wish I could have been a fly on the wall to watch all of her interactions with the teachers and kids. I am sure you were there laughing and enjoying all of her first day antics and I am honestly a little jealous that you got to see what I couldn't! Especially because getting her to tell me all about her day can be a little confusing.  I do know that she played in the wood chips on the play ground (the pointy things) and that while she was building something with them she got hit by a swing. I think she has my inability to watch out for what is going on around her when she gets interested in something. lol Poor kid has a lot more bruises coming her way!

After I picked her up from school we went to Arctic Circle to get a special "first ever first day of school" treat. She had chocolate ice cream, her favorite. She had fun telling Nana about her day at school while we sat in the booth and enjoyed our treats. :)

Little M devoured a hamburger after acting like I was trying to poison him by giving him his first bite. He had to choose to put it in his mouth all on his own but once he knew what it was, I couldn't give it to him fast enough. Ha! He is such a little man!

I will post more pictures tomorrow, but I just can't face the HUGE download I have ahead of me before I can add them.

Happy first day of School Little E! I am so proud of the sweet, beautiful, spirited, and smart little girl you are turning into!

Love,
Jenny

The One Year Mark

Dear Michael,

I can't believe a year ago today I wrote this post. What a difference a year can make. I think back to when I wrote that at 1:30 in the morning. I was in complete shock. Right after I wrote it I went downstairs to my old bedroom and passed through the most violent grief I have ever experienced in my life. I honestly wasn't sure the baby and I would survive it. It was terrifying. I thought about that night as I laid down in bed and quietly went to sleep by myself last night. This has become my life, and I have come to love it. 

A year later and I am now happy again. My body is in some of the best shape of its adult life, my mind is active and brings me thoughts of joy and gratitude, my testimony has recovered and grown, and I am filled with hope for the future. What a huge distance our little family has come in the last year. I hope you are proud of the progress we have made and the strength we are gaining from this experience.


A lot of people were very worried about me today, but this was actually a lot easier than last week. I was really struggling then because I dreaded yesterday, and I had learned our old dating grounds of Collage Ave were being torn down in a month. That was a huge blow to me. I went up and recorded all I could of it and cried to know it wouldn't be there for our children to see in person. But then I had three small miracles happen at the end of the week that were each little I love you's that I could tell you were sending my way. I wrote about them all in my journal, but feel they are too special and private to be shared on this blog. Thank you for each of them. I can't tell you how they strengthened me.

I thought long and hard about what to do today to remember you and make it easier on the family. A few days ago I felt inspired and made a plan. I hope you enjoyed the results. I don't have time this morning to write in to much detail, but here is how the day went. I woke up and did my workout (biked 6.5 miles, ran 15 min, walked 15 min.) at my Mom's. After that my nephew came over to help me make preparations for our afternoon plans. Then Lori and I went to the temple for a sealing session. Afterwords we came home and got the kids ready for the real fun out at the cemetery.  I hope no one will find the activity we did offensive, but it was just so perfectly you. I am sure you loved watching and joined in the laughter. :)

First we brought an entire cooler full of water balloons and let the younger kids hit them with the bat. The best part was when we let my "mature" father take a turn with pitching. He was so naughty! He kept throwing them at the adults and right at some of the kids instead of their bats. He had such a maniacal glint in his eye as he did it too. lol It was great!

Next we pulled out the big kid fun. All of my neighbors gave me their milk cartons and I filled them with water and brought out your machete, katana, and cukury (I have no idea how to spell that one). We all had a ball slicing them open in midair or setting them on top of your stone and disemboweling them Michael style. Our good friends Brodi and Dana were able to come and Brodi helped make it perfect. I couldn't help but laugh at his well practiced techniques and think back to how often we did this while living next door to each other. I know you must have been grinning from ear to ear just as we were. It couldn't have gone better and I was so glad that I found a way to make the day so much fun for all of us, but so entirely fitting. After all, this was one of your favorite pastimes.

I will post videos later but I just don't have time right now. We have been running crazy for weeks now!


We love you Michael. I am so grateful to have made it through the first year and to have had so much support from both sides of the veil. I like to think about this year as being one year closer to seeing you again. We miss you and love you so very dearly.

Love,
Jenny

Baby proof...

Dear Michael,

I really hope you are on duty for this little boy because I don't know how I am going to keep him from killing himself. Last Tuesday he choked down the bead decoration on my cell phone and we spent the afternoon in the ER getting an ex-ray to make sure it wasn't going to cause problems. It wasn't just a single bead either, it was 3 or 4 beads on a loop of wire about an inch long. This happened after I tried my hardest to get everything baby proofed on the main floor. I took away all small toys and everything I could find that might cause a problem. Then I let him play with my phone... stupid I know. After looking at the ex-ray the doctors said "this too shall pass" and  to go get another ex-ray if it didn't show up before the new week started. Anyways, he is still getting himself into trouble. Yesterday he came crawling into the kitchen where my Mom was doing dishes and had something in his mouth. It was a piece of your guitar stand that he had dissembled and I get the feeling that you sent him in there saying "the guitar stand is off limits dude. Take it to Grandma." lol Then not 5 minutes later we took him from the jumper into my room and he somehow got a sticker in his mouth with both my Mom and I watching. We fished that out too and he was mad at us for taking his toys away. Seriously, he will find something hazardous to put in his mouth no matter what!
We went back to the doctors and got another ex-ray today. It looks like another 2 days or so before it will "pass". They let me have a thumbnail copy of the ex-ray so here it is in all its splendor. The white thing on the bottom left is what he swallowed. Crazy kid. I have said for a while that the only proof you need that God exists is to see any Man that made it through his childhood and teenage years alive. I am hoping you can help Little M to make it through his.
Love,
Jenny

Update: It came out the very next bowel movement. I totally knew that would happen if I took him back into the doctor like I was supposed to. lol At least I don't have to sift through his diapers anymore! Now to keep this event from repeating itself...