Ballerina Sock Thing

 Dear Michael,

Meet Ballerina Sock Thing. She is made out of one of your socks, we are really working hard to turn everything into this house girly! j/k I have been trying very hard to do something once a day with Little E where she and I just sit down together and play, usually creating something. Today we made puppets out of colored paper, yesterday it was a play fort with cousin Alan, the day before that it was a pair of binoculars out of toilet paper rolls. But I think the biggest success so far has been Ballerina Sock Thing. Little E loves her! She likes to talk to her and asks "Do you want to snuggle me?" and then sweetly tucks the puppet into bed with her (with my arm included of course. lol) She often pretends to sleep and snores by saying "klonk shew, klonk shew." Today I was using her to eat Little M's hands and Little E kept telling her to "Be gentle! Be gentle with the baby!!" And then she told sock thing that she loved her eyes. lol It was really cute. 

But the real reason I am bringing this puppet up is because of something little E said to her tonight while we were playing. She was having a conversation with sock thing and said, "My daddy is coming back soon." and I said "really?" and she said yes, but then kind of shook her head and said "no my daddy died." It was really interesting. It seemed like she was more willing to talk about her feeling, like thinking you should come back, with the puppet then with me. I think she was more comfortable and felt like she wouldn't bring up any scary sad emotions like talking about you with me can. I may have to use the puppet more and see if I can really tell how she is taking this, and how much she really understands. She really does miss you and loves you so much. I just wanted to let you know that you haven't been forgotten by your little sweetheart. She wants you to come home too. If only you could full fill her little hearts wish... But I know you are here watching over her and loving her just as much as I do. I think she can feel it sometimes too.

Love,

Jenny

Lockdown and The Ghost.

Dear Michael,

Your nephews school had a lock down today. He told me about it on video chat. It reminded me of the time your school did a lock down last year. You told me that they had you turn off all the lights and cover the window with black paper so that no bad guys could see in the classroom. I am pretty sure yours was just a drill, but it took a while for them to finish the drill and your kids started getting restless and bored. So you decided to entertain them and tell ghost stories. I am sure all of the parents appreciated having kids that wouldn't sleep that night. Because no one I know tells ghost stories as well as you. lol Especially when you told the real ones you experienced. Both the one on collage avenue and the one from your mission. I won't post them here, but I will write them down so I can tell them around the camp fire in the future. :)

I remember the first ghost story you told me, we were engaged and had gone up to meet your family in WA. You took me to see the "ghost" on the river. You wove a very detailed story about how there was an island across the river where Indians had sacrificed a girl and that her spirit would walk across the water if I just looked hard enough. The black water was churning eerily in front of us and I clung to you as I looked for the ghost. Then BOOM! The water erupted in front of us in white foamy fury! It scared me to death!! I screamed and grabbed a hold of you and took quite some time to finally calm back down. It turned out that there was a irrigation pipe that outlets into the river there and every half hour it backs up and blows all the bubbles out of it or something. You told me about how you took a married couple there once and the guy had shoved his new bride behind him while he ran screaming up the hill. I think he probably slept on the couch that night. lol

Here is a video of it during the day, and let me tell you it is freaking scary at night! Especially if you are just a couple feet away from the water and not expecting it. lol


Speaking of ghosts, Little E is totally into them right now. Whenever I ask her what she wants me to draw she says "A ghost!" We have a new box house upstairs and she made me draw a ghost for the doorknob and a ghost for a doorbell. I also made her a pair of binoculars out of toilet paper rolls and she made me draw ghosts on it too. She keeps talks about the ghost that lives in our basement every time we go down the stairs. But don't worry, they are all "nice ghosts" and she often cuddles them in her arms and her little hands and offers them cookies. lol I think she got so interested in them because of halloween and also because of an episode of Kipper that has a ghost that wishes it was scary but is just sweet. It has been an interesting thing to watch develop.

Anyways. I just wanted to post that memory because it was just so you. You always took the opportunity to turn something boring into something fun and adventurous. Even just sitting in a dark classroom.

Love,
Jenny

Rotten Eggs

Dear Michael,

I went and took pictures of our apartments we lived in at collage. I went the day that everyone was moving in so that our rooms would be empty and I wouldn't be bothering anyone. It made me kind of sad to see all the excited students starting out a new semester. They were so happy and excited and didn't seem to have a care in the world. I miss that... but mostly I just missed you.

I will post most of the pictures another day and tell lots of fun stories. But this one made me laugh today when I really needed it. Its been a hard day. I cried in church because it really hit me again. You really aren't coming back... Its so hard to think those words. But stories like this one help me to just laugh about the good times we had. So I thought I would share it. :)

This is the laundry room in the house I lived in. When I was getting ready to move out at the end of my second semester, we had to do white gloves. That is when you have to scrub and clean every part of the apartment and have it checked off. If you don't do a good enough job you end up losing part of your deposit. Well, it was my first white glove and the whole idea had me really worked up. It was finals week, I was moving, and I had to clean like a crazy person. So my roommates and I stayed up until the wee hours of the morning cleaning.  We had a list that we split up and I ended up cleaning the laundry room as one of my many jobs. I scrubbed and cleaned every surface. That included the top of the cabinet in this picture. On top of the cabinet I found two eggs. One unbroken but so old it was mummified and one split open on top of the cabinet and dried out into the grains of wood. It took me ages to get that egg off. I used a knife and scrubbed and scrubbed the whole time cursing whoever had been dumb enough to put an egg up there in the first place.

After we had dated a month or so (we started about a week or two before the end of the semester). I told you this story. You laughed and laughed and said "It was me!! I put them up there as a joke like 2 years ago! Why on earth did you bother with them. They had been there forever." and we spent time just laughing at each other. It is stories like this make me remember that things look different over time. Something that was terrible and frustrating has become a story I treasure. I hope that in the future things that I am dealing with now will change and become better over time. I miss you so much!

Love,
Jenny

Michael's Playlist.

Dear Michael,

I have had so many people comment on the music on this blog. They tell me that they like to go to the blog just to listen to the music and others tell me how they feel closer to you when they hear these songs. So I wanted to post a list here of all the songs so people could copy it and make their own play-lists in i tunes or something. I just wanted to share another piece of you really. After all, you are the one who put the whole list together. Plus this way I may feel like I can start adding other songs while still having a record of the ones you loved and used. That would probably be good for me. Just another step in making things my own. :)

Love,
Jenny

Nothing Better- Postal Service
Where is My Mind- Placebo (You also loved the version done by the pixies)
Under Pressure- Queen
Going the Distance- Cake (Some of your other fav's- Stick-shifts and Safety Belts, Palm of your hand)
Blue Monday- New Order
Nightswimming- REM
The Scientist- Coldplay
Hey Jude- The Beatles (You played this one for me all the time and thought about naming our son Jude. You also played Let It Be a lot.)
Can't See (Useless)- Oingo Boingo
One- U2
My Name is Jonas- Weezer (Another of your favorites to play on the guitar.)
Hallelujah- Rufus Wainwright
Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk- Rufus Wainwright
She Don't Use Jelly- The Flaming Lips
Miss Misery- Elliot Smith
Rainbow Connection- Me First and the Gimme Gimmes
Sweet Dreams- Eurythmics
Somewhere only We Know- Keane
Someday- The Strokes
Today- Smashing Pumpkins
Please Do Not Go- Violent Femmes
Shake the Disease- Hooverphonic
Overkill- Collin Hay
I Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You- Collin Hay

Andes Mints

Dear Michael,

I just found a bag of Andes Mints stashed behind the mirror on your desk. You sneaky thing you. lol I hope you don't mind but I am going to give them to Little E as potty treats. They are one of her favorites too. Guess she got that from both of us! I am trying to remember where you got these and I think they came from my Mom as a special treat for you. She does things like that. Just to show she loves us. :)

Love,
Jenny

Funny quote of the day

Little E just pointed at a picture of our wedding and said "You got married. I was in your tummy playing!" She is still trying to understand the whole concept of pregnancy. She also told me she was going to marry uncle Scott someday. lol Such a funny girl!

If you don't bend you will break.

Dear Michael,

I had an interesting conversation with Little E today. We were driving out to my Mom's for Family Home Evening and the cars antenna hit some tree branches. Little E kind of jumped and said "Did you hear the Mommy?" I said, "Yes dear, I hit some tree branches with the car." Then she asked if I had broken the trees. I told her no, trees bent so they wouldn't break. I continued to explain that wind blows the trees and they have to bend and sway with the wind in order to keep from breaking. I then said "Kind of like us when Daddy died. It was hard, but we learned to bend and change and live without him. Because otherwise we would have broken." I am not sure how much she understood, but it seems like these little conversations mean something to her, even though she is only two and a half. She is wise beyond her years. Please keep an eye on her. Help her to know you are there and still loving her. She is so strong but she really does miss you. She says it all the time. "I miss daddy..." We miss you.

Love,
Jenny