Dear Readers,
I was hoping you could help me out today. While I was visiting someone in Preston, ID this sweet dog wandered onto their property. (2-3 year old Husky?) We turned him over to the police in hopes that his family would find him. He hasn't been claimed and will be put down on Monday afternoon if he isn't returned to them or adopted. I am trying all the avenues I can to find his owners or a new home. If someone wanted to adopt him they would need to pay to have him fixed and vaccinated for rabies. He is very sweet (came when I called him) and knew how to sit (although he got to excited to stay that way long). He is very very strong so he would need to go to someone who could handle that. Please spread the word for me. See if we can find him a new home or his original loving family. Thank you so much and Happy Easter!
Jenny
Not the best picture, but it was the only one I had. :)
Little E and I are both still learning to cope with losing you. We grieve in our own ways. I tend to push it off for a time, then break down every couple of weeks. I also have become a little OCD. I have little rituals that help me through times that would have been spent with you. They tend to center around using something up. For example, every night I use some lotion to rub my hands and feet, but what I am really trying to do is use up the lotion. I could care less about making my hands soft. Weird I know, but its something I am in control of, and it makes me happy. I do the same thing with food. I try to eat specific things so I use it all up. I get too much pleasure out of throwing something away when its empty.
Anyways, this post is supposed to be about our sweet girl and how she is coping. Sunday night was very much like every other night. She went to bed well. Little M slept pretty well that night, and I thought I was in for a very normal evening. But at about 5:30 am Little E woke up hysterical. I ran into her room (stepping on poor trek on the way) and asked her what was wrong. She just cried harder. So I picked her up and held her while rocking her and kept asking what was the matter. Finally she told me "The baby carrot DIED!!!" and broke into more sobs. I have almost never seen her so worked up. I kept asking her what baby carrot and she told me it was on my computer. I have no idea what she was talking about. It must have been something in her dream, but what was truly heart breaking was the level of grief that she knew how to feel at such a young age. She truly knows what the word dead means. It isn't some unknown concept that she uses without thinking. She had a depth to those tears that no 2 year old should. It was almost too much for me. Finally, after she had been crying for a minute without me being able to calm her down, Trek came to the rescue. He loves her so much and gets truly concerned when she is upset. (He does that for all of us.) So he "knocked" on the door like you taught him to open in and came running in to lie next to her bed and watch over her. Little E started laughing and said "Trek opened the door! He wanted to be by me." I told her he loved her a lot and he could stay by her bed for the rest of the night to keep her safe. She was willing to snuggle into bed after that and slept soundly until morning. However, she did remember the dream in the morning and told about it again after breakfast.
Later that day we helped to clean up a Cemetary for FHE. She saw it as we pulled in and said "It's Daddy's Place!" and I explained that it was like daddy's place but not the same one. She then talked about all the people who had died and would wake up someday like the little girl. (I told her the story about Jesus raising the little girl from the dead and she has talked about it a lot since.) She even wanted to see the little girls gravestone. I had to explain that had been a long ways away. She is a little confused about cemeteries. She seems to think that is where the people died. She calls it a dying place sometimes. I am trying to help her understand. Someday I am sure she will get it. But she really does love to visit your "daddy place". After we cleaned up the other one she really wanted to see yours. So we went out for a short visit for the first time since last fall. I have visited but its been too cold for the kids. She put a little rock and a seed case that rattles on your grave. She recognized it even though it has been since November that she saw it. It amazes me the memory she has. She is truly a special girl. I hope that she can learn from this experience without have to grow up too quickly. I hope she won't have too much grief in her life. I don't think she will, but moments like that nightmare remind me that there is a lot going on beneath the surface that I don't know about. I hope I can help her through this. I hope you are able to do what I can't for her. Please take care of her and help her to have wonderful happy dreams. Help her to be happy.
Love,
Jenny
What gets me out of bed every morning. I love this little girl!
Little E wanted me to take a picture of her eating her cinnamon toast. He current favorite breakfast. 4-10-11
Dear Michael,
I just added some new songs to the playlist on our blog. I know I said I was going to do that back in January but I just couldn't do it. Partly I couldn't change something you had put together. It was still so full of US and I didn't want to do anything that might take the U out of US. Also, it required learning how to do something that I just didn't know much about. I had messed with it a little bit, but the energy required to learn how was just energy I didn't have. (I still don't know anything about Itunes either. I haven't updated an Ipod ever, and that hasn't changed since you left. Someday I will have to face that too...)
But these songs have some lyrics that have really fit and touched me during this trial. Not all of the lyrics mind you. Some of the songs are breakup songs, and I definitely still love you and am not really moving on yet, but parts of the songs have really hit home. So I finally decided to put a little more me here. For a while there I couldn't listen to any music, then I could only listen to music that was from my highschool days, and now I can appreciate all of our music along with the new songs that I find. This is a definite improvement that I can really see in my life. I think it shows that I am healing a little. Baby steps right? Baby steps...
Love,
Jenny
Songs Added:
The Script: Break Even
Fleetwood Mac: Landslide
Colin Hay: Waiting for my real life to begin
Rob Thomas: Someday
Leona Lewis: Better in Time
Dear Michael,
I was laying in bed trying to take a nap while the kids were both sleeping and I just couldn't fall asleep. I tossed and turned and my brain just wouldn't shut off. I was thinking about how things have changed, how they might be someday, and how they used to be. It amazes me that I have made it so long without you. It amazes me that in some ways you are becoming a memory instead of a reality to me. I don't like that at all. It is hard for me to think of how things would be because so much has changed. The life I am living now is so utterly different from what my life was like before... with you. For example, I get the children in bed at night and can go from 7:00 pm to 7:00 am without saying a single word. I go about my work, or watch a show, or just sit and think in silence. I truly miss our conversations. I miss those evening hours with you. They were so wonderful.
One thing that I can't stop thinking about is how my life might change someday. I wonder who I might end up with. I wonder if I will just learn to be fine on my own. Really I just wonder how God will make this ok. I have been promised that. I just must lack imagination because I can't comprehend how it can be. Its not like I am terribly depressed right now. I just wonder how it will all work. I just feel like I am living in limbo, kind of like right after graduation. Not knowing what I am going to be doing in the future. I know I will be a mother to our wonderful children, but beyond that there are so many many questions.
Lately I have been watching scrubs in those lonely evening hours to try to pass the time, and have a few laughs. A lot of the episodes remind me of the fun we had watching them together after we borrowed the series from Lori. We loved them and had so many favorite moments. The other night I watched an episode where they played the song "waiting for my real life to begin." by Colin Hay. I remember you and I really liking that scene the first time we saw it. Scrubs turned us onto Colin Hay and you added his music to our blog play list shortly after. You especially loved this scene. Our favorite parts were in the closet and the last part where Cox smashes the guitar. There are a few of his songs that really have touched me through this experience.
Lori actually told me about that song right after you passed away and said it had always reminded her of you. I know you have finally found peace and a wonderful reality, now its my turn to wait. I am trying to remember that "there is a plan" and to "let the light shine in." Most of the time I am really content with my wonderful life. For I really am blessed with what I have. I just look forward to having answers someday. Until then I am trying to be patient and to grow as a person and learn what I am supposed to from this challenge. I sometimes have to remind myself that this is my real life too. I can't just wait around for someday. I have to live in the now while I dream of the future.
I love you, maybe now that I got these ramblings out I will be able to "get to sleep." :)
Jenny
WAITING FOR MY REAL LIFE TO BEGIN
Album : "Going Somewhere"
written by: Colin Hay
Any minute now, my ship is coming in
I'll keep checking the horizon
I'll stand on the bow, feel the waves come crashing
Come crashing down down down, on me
And you say, be still my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in
But don't you understand
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin
When I awoke today, suddenly nothing happened
But in my dreams, I slew the dragon
And down this beaten path, and up this cobbled lane
I'm walking in my old footsteps, once again
And you say, just be here now
Forget about the past, your mask is wearing thin
Let me throw one more dice
I know that I can win
I'm waiting for my real life to begin
Any minute now, my ship is coming in
I’ll keep checking the horizon
And I'll check my machine, there's sure to be that call
It's gonna happen soon, soon, soon
It's just that times are lean
And you say, be still my love
Open up your heart, let the light shine in
Don't you understand
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin
Tonight I finally went out to the garage and cleaned off your work bench. I found all the stencils you used to paint our house number on the curb. You had planned on doing that for a little summer income but then decided to do the job scuba diving. Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if we had made that choice differently. Would you still be here? I usually decide you wouldn't, I would have just lost you some other way (probably a car accident or something.) It just seems like it really must have been your time to go or things wouldn't have happened that way. Anyways, it was good to finally clean that area out. That was another very tough job for me because it was so totally your domain. But I am glad to have some space to work on some of my current projects, and to know what tools are available to me. I still need to do more organizing out there, but at least I have a workbench to use now. I also finally cleaned all of your gloves, hats, and scarves out of the coat closet. Man did you have a lot of winter gear. :) Most of them have very fond memories for me of you playing in the snow with Little E or snow shoveling the driveway, or that horrible winter camping trip we tried during our first year of marriage. I especially love your french fry hat. You wore that one all the time!
Well, I was doing all of the stuff out in the garage after I had put the kids to bed. Then I came in to check on them and Little E was still up and playing in her room. She told me she wanted a bedtime snack and I decided that was ok since she didn't have much of an apatite at dinner. (She is sick with an ear infection and a cough that was "possibly croup" according to the doctor. I think the antibiotics will help but I just wanted her to get some more food and liquids in her system for the night.) So I gave her some banana bread for a snack. She really wanted to back banana bread with me today. She has figured out that when the bananas get brown its time to make banana bread! (They almost never get eaten before then because you aren't here to make milkshakes in the morning with them.) So we had fresh banana bread for a bedtime snack accompanied by wonderful little chattering from Little E. Part of the conversation was so sweet and tender that I really wanted to share it with you and record it for her in the future.
She was sitting at the table and I was washing the bread pan. She looked at me and said. "Mom that was such a fun walk with my cousins. With Sarah and Josh and Nate and Abby. And my Daddy. I really love my Daddy. But my Daddy really died. But it's not sad. Its just happy. His spirit is right here even if we can't see it." Oh how wise my little girl is before she has even reached her third birthday. She really does love you honey. I know she misses you so much, but her example often helps me make it through the days that are the hardest. Thank you so much for the gift you gave me of 2 beautiful wonderful children! I love them more than words can express. I know you do too.
Love,
Jenny
Happy St Patricks Day Honey! Sorry its late. :) Here is a pic of Little E showing off her silly face. (And me with my "will you please just look at the camera and smile face." lol)
Now she is showing off her belly button. lol
Little M grinning because Big Sister is holding him. He totally adores her!
Can you beleive how big he is getting? Its hard for her to hold him now. Crazy!
We love you!
Little M in our hotel room. This was the weekend of the widows conference. He is holding your glasses that you wore in your classroom for the kids on St. Patrick's day. I tried to put them on him for a picture but he thought they were too fun to play with. The onsie is one Little E wore for her first St. Patrick's day!
I dreamed about you again last night. I don't remember much of the dream, just that we were in a church and I was trying so hard to figure out if it was real or not. I was studying everyone's faces because I felt like if I was dreaming than people I didn't know wouldn't have detailed faces. Everyone looked real. You felt so real. It was kind of disorienting, but I was so grateful. I hadn't had a dream for a long time and it was nice to just hold your in church. I should have known it was a dream though, because your cousin G was there and had total Tim Burton hair going on, like Edward Scissor-hands style. It was awesome!
You used to have this sticker in good old Smokey's back window when we were dating. :) It totally impressed me!
I was going through more of our wedding pictures last night and finally got them uploaded to our computer. There were some I had never ever seen because I had only seen the prints. It was so refreshing to see more images of that wonderful day. Here are a few of my favorites that I loved because of your hands.
Love,
Jenny
I don't remember what we were joking around about but I love this picture with your joking pout on your face and your hand propping up my chin like you are saying, "Chin up honey, its all going to be ok!" I'm trying honey. I'm trying.
This is one of the pictures I hadn't seen because the photographer didn't think it was worth printing, but I love it! It is such a great picture of one of your huge Michael hugs. I can't wait until our reunion when I can finally get another one of those.
I love our rings. Yours has an engraving inside that says "For time and all eternity." Sometimes I take it out just to remind myself of the promise I have been given. I absolutely love my ring, but I stopped wearing it about 2 months ago. There was a string of friends of mine that had lost their diamonds and I knew I wouldn't be able to face that. So I put it away where it would be safe and started wearing a gift ring from my family. They gave it to me on our anniversary. It was very sweet.
Sweet sweet kisses.
I love this look you are giving me. I really miss it, and having your strong hands touching me. I love you honey!
I finally got your Ipod shuffle working. I couldn't figure out how to charge the thing, but finally realized I had plugged it into a socket that wasn't working for some reason. Anyways, I got it all charged up and was excited to listen to it and see what mixes you had made for yourself. I turned it on and suddenly realized that I was listening to one of the last songs you had played for yourself. It was still halfway through the song right where you had paused it over 8 months ago. It was playing Romeo and Juliet by the Indigo Girls. I loved this song. The way she sings it has so much emotion in it! It really struck a cord with me. I can remember singing along with you in the car at the top of our lungs. You even learned it on the Guitar and sang it with that same intensity. It was one of my favorite things that you played. I was amazed with how fast and hard you could strum while you sang with your eyes closed. I so wish I had videos of you singing all of the songs you knew. It was such an everyday thing that I never thought to pic up a camera and record it. Amazing how the things that were so normal are the things we really miss the most. It makes me more careful about recording what our children do. I pull out the camera sometimes and just try to get their everyday interactions because I know I will miss it when they grow up.
While I was looking up the song trying to find a video of it I found a version that The Killers had made of it. Can you beleive that! I was so sad that I couldn't just call you over to the computer and show you because I know you would have thought that was so cool! I wish we could have gone to one of their concerts together like we had wanted.
There are so many things everyday like that. Things that I wish I could call you to tell you about, things that I want to watch with you, things that I want to do for you, but mostly I just want to be held by you. I was looking through our wedding photos today, the thing that stuck out the most to me was your hands. All those wonderful pictures of your hands holding mine, touching my cheek, around my waist. Oh how I miss your touch. I am so grateful for the fact that you were so willing to hold my hand in public, to kiss me goodbye every morning, for every wonderful touch. I miss it so deeply, but only because it was so wonderful while I had it. Thank you for every moment you gave me.
There were a few lyrics from this song that fit so well for me right now. Especially these ones "Now all I do is miss you, and the way it used to be... all I do is kiss you through the bars of this rhyme... you said I love you like the stars above, I'm gonna love you till I die, there's a place for us." There is a place for us honey. It is so hard now. I miss you more than I can say, but I know that there is a place where we will be together. I thank God every day for that.
Love,
Jenny
I think its funny that when I looked up the video today it was the first time I had heard the entire song by them. The version on your Ipod always cuts out at the very end "He's got a love song that he made, he fi.." lol It always made me curious to find out how the song really ended. Now I know. I like it. :)
