Missing You...

Dear Michael,

We have really been missing you a lot the past few days around here. I know part of the reason for me is knowing that the year mark is coming up and that makes things very hard for me, but Little E seems to be feeling it too. I don't know what is causing it for her. Maybe its the fact that everything is so similar to last year, but you aren't here. She jumps on the trampoline, we weed, the raspberries are coming on, but you aren't here to enjoy it all with her. For the last few days she has burst into tears at random moments and cried out, "I really miss Daddy!" I ask her what she misses and she says "for him to play with me and jump on the trampoline..." I have been wondering if she really is missing you or just feeling my stress and trying to play off of it to get away with her fits. She did a lot of that last summer and I have to really watch my reactions so that I show enough sympathy if its real without encouraging fake tears. Well, last night I woke up after having a dream about you and just wishing it had been real. I had a really hard time falling back asleep, and then Little E woke up screaming in the other room this morning. I went in and got her calmed down and asked her what was wrong. She said "I didn't want you to twist my balloons!" I asked her what balloons and she said "The ones at Daddy's place. I didn't get to go with them. I threw them up up high in the air, and they flew away. But Daddy still has them. But I didn't get to go with them." She was remembering when we went for your birthday and sent off balloons. I never thought it would upset her that she didn't get to fly away with them to see you, but that makes sense. I wish there were a way to let her fly away for a little while just to visit you. She misses you so very much. I am a little worried because I had planned on doing the balloon thing on your "Heaven Day" but maybe that wouldn't be a good idea... I will have to think about it and feel it out. I want to do something that she can be involved in, but I don't want to upset her. I wish you were here to give me some good ideas.

Like I said, we are really missing you...
Love,
Jenny

My not so little man.

Dear Michael,

I can't believe how fast time is going by. I went to the last swing night of the semester last night and was blown away that another semester had come and gone already. It just doesn't seem possible!

On top of that I can't believe how much our son has grown and developed. Just in the last week there has been an explosion of new skills from this little guy. He started trying to say Mama and his sisters name on Tuesday night. Then yesterday he got another new tooth (he now has 4 and is working on more.) It was the tooth just to the right of his bottom teeth. I don't know what its called. :) But he has it! He has been really picking up speed in his mobility and although he doesn't crawl with his tummy off the ground he is doing the cross body movement of crawling and its only a matter of time until he learns the real thing. Yesterday he also learned a new skill, drinking from a sippy cup! I had tried to teach him how to do that a while back but we did it with a nuby that has a silicon nipple and is all fancy. He didn't want anything to do with that. He just kept crawling after his sisters so I finally got one like hers of his own to try and he thought apple juice was pretty neat!

Today I caught him doing something that I couldn't believe. He can transition from being on his side to sitting up. I had caught him sitting in the crib but thought he was pulling himself up on the side rails. Nope, he is doing it all on his own baby! Its crazy how many things a kid can learn in just one week.

Yesterday I caught him during nap time messing with his mobile. He was nearly standing trying to get to it and I realized it was time to move the mattress down again. lol He seems to really like being able to switch from laying to sitting and pulling himself up to kneeling. :) What a big boy!

We love you and hope you are getting to be here for all of these amazing firsts.
love,
Jenny

New perspective.

Dear Michael,
I had a thought about a week ago that I feel is pretty important for me to record. I was folding laundry in the living room and was looking at all of the shirts and smiling at the memoires they brought up. I have been working out almost daily and my workout shirts are ones like our Midnight 5K shirt and the one from Aspen Grove family camp. I was thinking of all of those wonderful times we had shared together and how much I wanted to do any of them just one more time with you. Then a thought hit me, I wouldn't have anyways. Let me try to explain this right. We always only get to do things one time. It does make me sad that I don't get to do new things with you in the future, but I am coming to realize that our family would never have gone back and done the same things again. We may have gone to the same place, but it would have been a completely different and new experience, and I get many of those new experiences now. Just slightly different then I pictured them. 

I have been building on this line of thought for a week now. It has also helped me to realize that my initial desire to horde every possible memory of you is not only impractical, but unnecessary. I still want to go back and record all I can for our children someday, but now that a year has almost come and gone I have realized that the same memories can be just as sweet even when looked at over and over again. New stories and thoughts are nice, but I keep coming back to the same moments and wrapping myself up in them like a well worn blanket. Nothing could be more comfortable.

I am also starting to understand something that our family friend, the man in charge of your funeral said to me. He told me that I would struggle with missing your physical presence but in time I would come to feel you in another way. He told me this right before we closed your casket and I just nodded and tried not to cry, but I didn't know how that could work. I am beginning to get a glimpse of what he meant. Today on my 12 mile bike ride I got to just listen to some of our favorite music and look at the beautiful blue sky and think. Many of the songs made me think of you, and wish you were there with me, but it was more than that. I began to grin from ear to ear as I rode downhill with the familiar songs guiding me along. I felt peaceful, happy, and like I wasn't missing anything. Like you were well aware of what I have been up to and even keeping me company. I know that feeling won't last, but I think that it has helped me to see what is coming a bit more clearly. Everyday life is becoming a joy along with being difficult. The future looks bright just like the beautiful blue sky today. I know that I will always miss you, and will often wonder how things will be made right, but for now I am just going to enjoy the ride and my new understanding of what is truly important and what will really bring me joy.

Peekaboo! A new tooth is coming through. :)

Little M's top right tooth made its way through today during his nap. I have been watching it closely (and a little apprehensively) for a week now and feeling for it often. Well, it has finally made its debut. Welcome to the world little tooth. Please be nice to me. :)

First Word and First Time Standing

Dear Michael,
Your little boy is getting so big! I can't beleive all the firsts he has done lately. Last week he was in his crib and my Mom was getting some clothes out of the closet for him. Little E came in the room and he looked at her and said "Hi" with a great big grin on his face. He has said it to Papa and I over the last week too. It makes sense that this would be his first word because we say it to him all the time. It always gets a big grin out of him.
Tonight while I was bathing him he reached over and grabbed onto the side of the tub. He pulled and pulled until he was standing up all by himself with his ankles crossed and his feet almost slipping out from under him because he was standing on a washcloth. I couldn't beleive he would pick the most dangerous place he could to test out the whole standing thing. It was a good thing I was right there to keep him from falling. I will have to train him to always sit in the tub like we did with Little E. I should have known he was going to start standing soon. Two weeks ago at church he pulled himself up to his knees on a folding chair in the nursing lounge. He also really enjoys when I put him next to the furniture and let him try to hold on and balance. He giggles and laughs the whole time. I am sure cruising along furniture is going to become one of his favorite pastimes soon. Ahhh! How did he get so big so fast? Must be your genes. I am sure you are so proud of him. :)
Love,
Jenny

A great day and some conversations with Little E.

 Dear Michael,

I have some blogging to do to catch up on the last few weeks, but I just can't make myself do it. I have been training hard for the triathlon the last 2 weeks and I am just plain tuckered. I can't make myself upload the pics from the camera so Father's Day and my birthday week will just have to wait until tomorrow or the next day. But I did want to post a couple of interesting things Little E has said to me lately before I forgot them and to tell you about my amazing day so I can look back on a bad day and remember that some days are great!

First, on our way out of the cemetery after visiting you on father's day Little E said something that kind of surprised me. We had a conversation a few nights before where she was pretending to be scared of a monster, and I told her that you had blessed the house so no monsters could come in it. Then we had another conversation where I told her about how you keep her safe and sound even though she can't see you. As we were leaving the cemetery she looked at me and said, "I love my daddy, mommy. He keeps me safe from bad spirits." I was surprised because I can't remember ever using the term "Bad spirits" with her. I have definitely used the word spirits a lot, but that is different. It was very interesting and I am curious where she came up with that idea, and what truth there may be to that simple statement. I know you watch over us, and maybe she is more aware of what you are doing that I am? Who knows. I will say that I don't feel too scared at night most of the time, which still surprises me. I just feel like nothing bad is going to happen and we are safe. I hope part of that feeling is coming from your being there to watch over us.

The other thing she said to me today as she was waking up from her nap. I was pretty excited because she had woken herself up because she needed to use the restroom (instead of wetting the bed! We are definitely making progress here!) But she wasn't really happy about waking up so we just snuggled in my bed. She was quiet and smelled her silky for a while with her eyes closed. I thought she might fall back asleep, but instead she opened her eyes, looked at me and asked, "Mommy, is Daddy alive again now?" It broke my heart to tell her no. I keep trying to help her understand that the resurrection probably won't happen until we have all died. In fact that was another funny thing she said on the way out of the cemetery Sunday. I told her we would probably all die before you lived again, and she said, "Mommy I don't want to die. You can die, Little M can die, and Nana can die. But I am not going to!" I told her that I was just fine with that and had to laugh at how determined she was. I have to admit though, when she asked me if you were alive again now, I had a moment where I hoped she knew something I didn't. Wouldn't that have been a treat to wake up to? But instead I just got to snuggle her and enjoy the golden curls on her head and her beautiful blue eyes peaking over her silky. She really is a treat.

Well, on to recording my great day! We woke up and  I called my friend Tasha to see if she would take the kids for a half an hour while I got in my 6 mile bike ride for my triathlon training. My friend Nathan is now training with me and we are both getting pretty excited about the race. She was sweet enough to take them and we got out about 9am. When I got back I picked the kids up and enjoyed a few minutes of watching Little E play with her friends before we came home. Then I called up my other friends Damen and Aleece to see if they were still up for babysitting while I went to the temple. I haven't been since I went with my nephew Alan in January on the six month anniversary of your death. They came right over and I was able to go and do baptism, confirmation, and initiatory for Ethel my paternal great grandfathers younger sister. She was born in April of 1886. 100 years before I was born. How cool is that? It was a really amazing experience to go through for someone that I had was related to. I can see how getting into family history work could be very rewarding! I am really glad I stuck it out and went because I had driven all the way to the temple without realizing I didn't have my recommend on hand and had to go the extra 40 minutes home and back again. But it felt so wonderful to go and do the work for Ethel and I really hope to go back for her endowment soon.

I was amazed at how good I felt walking out of the temple. I felt so light and carefree. I really think it would make a big difference in my life if I could go more often. I am going to try to make it up at least every other week if possible. That was our goal after we first got married and I think it is a good goal to aim for.

After going to the temple I had to dash home to  pick up Little M and Little E for a doctors apt. Little M has been on antibiotics for yet another ear infection. He was on Azithromycene (how is that spelled?) and developed a rash that needed to be checked out. Then back home to nap time.

After we woke up and had our little conversation in bed I got us all ready to run back to town and took Britteny your cousin out to dinner at the pizza buffet to thank her for babysitting yesterday while I swam. Plus I really wanted to visit with her. Little E had a great time messing with the lights in the booth and stealing bites of my desert pizza. Little M just scarfed his food while flirting with Britteny and blowing razz-berries.

Then it was back home for bedtime because the little boy was very tired! I fed him a bedtime snack while Little E ate an apple in the backyard and chased Trek around. Then I gave them both baths and got the boy to sleep. Little E was being very good and calm so I offered to paint her toenails as a treat (I shouldn't have used that word though because when we were done she thought she was going to get candy too). I have really had a hard time making it to bedtime while still being "nice mommy" lately so it felt amazing to paint her cute nails, read her stories, and say good night to her without losing my temper! I felt like a superhero and was so happy to end the day with a smile on my face. I know it took the help of three of my friends/family to make it through the day, but it turned out to be an AMAZING day. I am so grateful for all the help I am given on a daily basis. I really don't know how I would make it through a week on my own. In fact I am pretty sure I couldn't. You know the saying "It takes a village to raise a child." I would definitely have to agree with it!

I know that was probably a really long and boring post, but I wanted to record for myself what a good day feels like because I am sure they aren't all going to end this well. In fact, most of them wont. I usually end up barely managing to get through stories and prayer with Little E before I go collapse on the couch with my last nerve hanging by a tiny thread, if its intact at all. But  I wouldn't trade my days with these kids for the world. They are my everything and I am so grateful to have them. Thank you so much for blessing me with them honey.
Love,
Jenny

Little E's Sheep Story

Dear Michael,
I haven't had much energy lately to get on here and write. I have been busy this week getting started on my triathlong training. I am doing one on August 20th. Its just a sprint triathlon, but I am really excited about it. Its the one we had planned on doing together this year, but instead I am kind of dedicating it to you and using it to remind myself how strong I can become.

Anyways, there was one really cute story that  I wanted to tell you because it literally had me laughing out loud for several minutes afterward. On Sunday morning last week I gave Little E a green new testament that I had been given while walking around campus. I thought she would like it because of the color and she was very excited to have her own green scriptures. I asked her to read me a story from it and she said ok. She was standing next to the kitchen table and very seriously opened up the book and proceeded to read me this story.

"The Lords sheep say, BAAAAA!" It was so funny because up until the baa she was utterly reverent in her reading and then gave a very legitimate imitation of what sheep sound like. After that she continued with the story saying that Jesus saved the sheep from robbers. She was kind of confused on who did the saving in the story of Ammon and the kings sheep. She really loves reading her scriptures at night. Right now we are reading a flap book of Joseph and she has all of the words under the flaps memorized. She gets mad at me if I say them because she wants to read that part of the book to me. We read it at every bedtime and nap time. She also likes learning a letter before we start and looking for it on the page. Her favorite in that book is the letter r. She has gotten really good at recognizing it. You would be proud. You were so excited when she learned all of her shapes in that ipod game you had downloaded for her. You always enjoyed watching her grow and learn and celebrated every step like it was the first time any child had ever accomplished that task! I love you for that. You were such an amazing father!

I love you honey, I hope this story made you laugh too. I still break out into random giggle fits over it.
Love,
Jenny