Its hard to realize that you really aren't coming home. That this isn't a temporary state of missing you. That I will never hear you voice saying I love you unless its on a recording or in a dream... It really hurts.
I know we will be together again. But I don't know how long I will have to wait until that beautiful day. I hate waiting. I want you to come and hold your newborn son and snuggle me at night and tell me that you love me. I need you!
Since I couldn't sleep I decided to go upload the pictures from our babies homecoming. Then I started looking through pictures. This one jumped out at me. It was from 4th of July 2008. We were at the riot zone with Lori's family. The look on your face just said I love you too me. I know you love me. I miss you. I can't wait until our sweet reunion.
I so wish that you were here for me to tell you these stories. I wanted to wake you up last night so you could laugh and laugh with me at your daughters silly antics. I am sure you probably were there laughing anyways. You probably even saw more of what was going on than I did.
Last night I put Little E to bed and she seemed to go right to sleep. I snuck in around midnight to tuck her back into bed (she gets out from under her blankets and then gets cold between 3 and 5 and wants a whole bunch of attention if she wakes up completely. Better to just tuck her in before I go to sleep.) She was sleeping backwards in her bed on top of all of the sheets and blankets. I turned her back around and tucked her in. She sighed a little and settled down to sleep for what I thought would be the rest of the night.
About 3 am I hear a thump and a couple of other sounds from her room. I listened for a while trying to decide if I should go and check on her. I didn't hear much else and decided she could put herself back to bed if she had gotten up and I might as well get her used to being in charge whether or not she sleeps in her bed or on the floor...
6 am, I hear a little whimper from her room. I decided I would go and check on her because I couldn't do another round of wondering what she was up to. I walk into the room to find the light on (we love the dimmer you installed! She turns on her light almost every night but its still dim enough that she will go back to sleep with it on.) All of her toys are strewn accross the floor along with her pair of pajamas she had been wearing. She is asleep on top of the bed and all of her blankets in just a diaper with a book (dora goes to school) on top of her face. I laughed and pulled out a couple of spare blankets to cover her little naked body and hopefully keep her warm for the next couple hours so we could both get some good sleep. Who knows how long she was up playing last night. :) I really wished I could have woken you up to see her cute naked body in that big girl bed...
This morning she had another goober moment. I put on a deago for her to watch while I showered and left her in our bed with a sisi. When I came back out she was talking to the show (answering questions it was asking) and had her sisi on like a hat! I had to snap a picture because it was so funny to me. It was like she didn't want to lose it so she had found a safe place to store it. And what place is safer than on top of your head? What a silly little girl we have raised. lol
Did you know that you left a little angel to watch over and take care of me? Little E has been so wonderful to me through this entire process. Sure she has her moments where she wants to be defiant or has a melt down, but she has been such a blessing every day. Watching her joy at the simplest things in life brings joy into what could be a very dreary looking world to me. She gets so excited when she sees a lady bug or spider and pretends to catch them all the time. But they quickly "fly away!" and need to be caught again! "I did it!!! I catch it!!" She really has been enjoying the cat face spider living outside of baby brothers bedroom window the past couple of days. She watched him climb up his web with a bug yesterday and since has talked about the "cat spider" eating the "nummy bug!" a lot. Today at bedtime the thing she wanted to tell you about was how Trek at a fly when I opened the front door. They like to get in between the front door and the screen door and he goes nuts trying to catch them whenever I open it. She watched him snap up a fly and said, "Mmm Nummy fly!" and I told her Trek thought they were nummy but that she and I would think they were yucky. So at bedtime she told you about Trek eating a "nummy yucky fly!" I can never get over what thing she will remember at the end of the day and think is important. lol She is so sweet to me when I cry. I have decided not to hide my tears from her. I was reading a book and it talked about how if we hide our tears from those we love we are taking away a bonding experience from them. I don't ever want her to feel that tears are something to be ashamed of or hidden. So I have stopped hiding them all the time. I let them flow freely when they decide to come, which has been often lately. I was listening to music on the computer with her in our room while we folded some laundry. The Scientist by Coldplay came on and I began to cry. I miss you so terribly sometimes and that song really fits how I feel. She looked up and said "oh no! Mommy crying!" I told her it was ok and that mommy was still happy, but that mommy was going to cry sometimes. She then grabbed one of the wash clothes we had folded and began tenderly wiping away each and every one of my tears. She kissed me and hugged me while patting my back and saying "I know mommy, I know." She truly is an Angel sent to keep me going. I wake up in the morning for her. If she weren't here I don't know that I could even get out of bed, she brings joy and light into this nightmare I have found myself living. Thank you so much for giving her to me. And thank you for this new little baby. I am sure he will bring even more joy to my life every day too.
I love you, I miss you, Jenny
Thank you to Jill Aponte for the beautiful pictures of my sweet angel. http://jillphotography.blogspot.com/
This testimony was written by Michael as a gift to his Mom and Dad for Christmas. I love reading it, and am so grateful for the last paragraph. He knew we would be together forever. I know it too. We are stuck together for good and there is nothing he can do about it! Not even dieing will get him out of this contract!
Michael McCullough's Testimony
As I have started my life as a married man I have had a few interesting realizations. The gospel is meant for the family. Until recently I had always thought that my relationship with my Heavenly Father had been a personal thing that was only between us. His commandments were for my personal peace and happiness. If I broke those commandments I would be the only one that suffered for my mistake. While most of this is true I’m starting to realize that the gospel has a much larger goal in mind. While it binds man to his maker, it also welds families together. I have found that my personal relationship with my maker also affects my relationship to my wife, my future children, and even how I interact with everyone around me. It shapes the way I perceive my world around me. If I have been distant and disobedient to his will, I am easily agitated, more self-serving, I feel discontented with life, and am unable to recognize the goodness that others have done for me. When I am striving to live the commandments, I fall deeper in love with my darling bride, I want to go out of my way to make her happy, and I feel content with the blessings that I have been given. Now that Jenn and I have our own little family I’ve been so excited to give her blessings when she is sick, have our very own home teachers visit us, and pray together at the edge of our bed. When we have been worried the spirit has soothed us after a prayer. I have found that a man in the gospel is strong, but a family united in the gospel is much stronger. The gospel is designed to bring Husband, Wife, and Children closer together and make them strong. Gordon B. Hinckley said, “ The gospel makes bad men good, and good men better.” As I look back at my life I can see how I have been nudged, pushed, and out right shoved by his guiding hand. I know that Heavenly father has a plan and purpose for me. In my greatest hour of need and distress I have felt his hand on my back soothing me to my core, giving me an eye to rest in as the torrent lashes around me. I have also discovered that my love for him is very similar to what I feel for my wife. At first there was infatuation, or an intense feeling based on what you think this person is. Then comes a period of disillusionment when you realize this person is not what you thought. Finally come the love that is driven, even made of truth. The more you learn of that true person the more you love them. The more I understand of our God, the way he interacts with me, reasons with me, and shows me his love, the more I love him. I know that God lives, I know he loves and knows me. I know that our Lord and Master paid for my sins out of love for me. I know that He broke the bands of death so that I might live with him and the rest of my family. I know that we are sealed and welded together by the power of the holy priesthood forever; there will never be a permanent good bye! Mom and Dad I love you both so much, I love you more as now I’m trying to do the job you did so well. Thank you for my life! In the name of our Lord and Redeemer Jesus Christ, Amen. Michael Spencer McCullough 12-10-2006
It seems like time just rushes past and I don't know where it is going. But at the same time I know that there is such a long road ahead of me before I get to see you again...
Little E has been so sweet to me since you died. She gives me hugs when I ask for them and kisses whenever I need one. She even brings me tissues when I cry and tells me "Its ok mommy, don't cry." She is so sweet. She really misses you. She talks about you all the time and says "Maybe see daddy someday." We have talked about how "someday" we will all be together again with heavenly father, Jesus, and you. She looks forward to that as much as I do. She requests "daddy movies" all the time. We watch them for probably at least a half hour each day, if not longer. Her favorites are one of you having Trek jump in her bed and you and her during swimming lessons. I was so happy when I found those pictures. I had been so scared that you deleted them before going to Alaska because I couldn't find them anywhere. They were hiding on an SD card in the camera case! I cried when I finally found them. Thank you for helping me to think of where to look.
I have been working on degirlifying the baby room. It is looking much more manly everyday! I put up lots of glow in the dark star stickers and when your mom comes down she is bringing your planet Earth that was in your room in High School. It will match perfectly. Basically the only thing that is girly in there now is the hanging lamp. I just haven't found a good replacement for it and need the light in that corner so I can't take it down until I have a new one. Don't worry though, I am on the hunt and will find something really cool! The room really does look cool when the lights are off in there. I think he will really like it.
I am trying to get everything ready for him to come. I have been having contractions on and off for days. They are almost always 10 minutes apart but I know that they aren't really doing much at this point. Mom keeps thinking I am going to go into labor any minute, but I feel like it will still be awhile, mostly because I don't think you are ready to give him up yet... I want you to get as much time as you need with him. Give him all the love and advice he needs to be strong in this life. I know you are taking good care of him as long as you can.
I also know you are doing your best to take good care of us. Little E is learning slowly that you are here and we just can't see you. We have even started telling you about her day every night before bed. She seems to really like talking to you about all the fun things she did. Today she told you about throwing rocks in the ditch (but got mad when I called it a ditch and told me she threw them in the water!) and how she jumped on the trampoline. Yesterday she was very excited to tell you about the lady bugs she had caught. I think this new part of the routine is really helping her to feel closer to you. It helps me too. I still have a hard time trying to talk to you, but I can do it with her. And most of her day is my day too. lol
I took her to visit your grave on Monday night. I explained that we were going to see where daddy's body was, but that your spirit was always around us. She kindof seemed to understand when we first got there, but got very upset when I took her to the car and she hadn't really "seen" you. I felt bad but tried to explain it a little better. She calmed down quickly but I know that she misses you more than I realize most of the time. I just wish there were some way she could see you again. For now the daddy movies will have to do... I still hope that the second coming is near so that this doesn't have to go on too long. One can always hope right?
I also was able to do some maternity shots with Jill. I wasn't going to really bother this time around, but I decided baby brother would probably appreciate knowing that I was still excited for him to come. These pictures were a way of showing him that. She took a great one of Little E knocking on my tummy just like you did for one of her maternity shots. She put them together in the cutest Montague and I am so excited to put it up in our home. It is one of my favorite pictures of you because you were always such a big joker! It totally shows that side of you. I love it.
I had a great baby shower put on by our friends in the ward. Lots of people showed up and I had a really great time. Even Jen and Jay brought the boys up and spent the night. They were such a huge help to me and we had a great time talking and reminiscing. They even adopted Osiris for us, which has been a huge load off of my shoulders. I was so sad to let him go, and Little E was really upset about it, but at least this way she still gets to visit him. I hope he makes for a really good mouser for them and takes care of all of their rodent problems so that Jen won't have to worry anymore. Its just not fair of those little mice to make her scream when she has broken ribs. I call that malicious! Little stinkers!
Well, I know it doesn't sound like I have been up to much, but I am mostly just trying to make it to the end of every day without major mishap and have been doing a pretty good job so far. We are doing ok, but really miss you every waking minute, and most of the sleeping ones too. I love the few dreams I have had with you in them. I haven't been dreaming much lately, I think my subconcious is trying to protect me or something, but I wish I could have more of them with you in it. It would make me happy to go to bed at night... hint hint.
I love you very much and miss you! I hope you are doing all that you were called away to do and enjoying every minute with our little boy.
Dear Michael, I can't beleive it has already been a whole month since you had to leave. Time has really flown by. It kind of scares me a little how fast it is going, but also excites me. I can't wait until I get to reach the end and finally see you again. That part cannot come soon enough.
I miss so many things about our daily lives. I miss sleeping next to you. You were always so patient with my need to snuggle you and made the best heater ever in the middle of a cold night. I miss pestering you before bed trying to get you to put down your book and pay attention to me. It was all in good fun, and I know you thought it was funny too... most of the time. I miss watching you and Little E play together. She adores you so much, and could never get enough daddy time. She is still amazing on the "trabopine" and I am sure she will make you proud someday with her amazing skills. We moved her to a toddler bed yesterday. She thought it was so much fun because she could get in and out of it by herself, which means she can climb in any time of day and JUMP in it! She was showing off to me for a half an hour today. She definitely takes after you. ;)
I miss our goodbye kiss every morning, I miss you spraying your Very Sexy cologne before you left which made me sick when I was pregnant but always made me smile. It will forever make me think of you and I often sneak a sniff when I walk by your dresser now. It makes me feel like you might be a little closer for a few minutes.
I still can't imagine going back to our house and having a day over there without you. Its part of what makes it so hard for me to get back in there. I can't imagine waking up without you, not sitting accross from you at breakfast, not giving you some honey do lists. lol I am so grateful that I got you home for the summers. It was wonderful to have you around so much of the time so that you could be involved in all the fun we were having. You made every day better just by being a part of it.
It just seems so unreal that I could possibly have to go on living my life in the same place, in basically the same way, but without you in it. It can't truly be possible can it? Surely you will come back soon and we will just go on living our perfect lives while scheming ways for adventures to fill our future. I really wish there were such a thing as a time machine. It just seems so wrong that a few short minutes could rob me of you for the rest of my life. I know that there is no way this happened unless it was supposed to, but I am selfish at heart. I just want you back. I don't really care if it was something important that took you away. You are the most important thing in my life. I can't imagine what could possibly have been more important than us being together... I am willing to accept that God knows what he is doing. But I miss you so terribly that sometimes I just don't want to admit it. Sometimes I just want this whole thing to be fixed. Can't I just wake up from this nightmare and have you there to tell me it was all a bad dream and not to worry? That is looking less and less likely as this nightmare goes on day after day...
I am sorry, this letter is a little bit of a downer, but sometimes I just want to be selfish. I don't want to say what is right, and I don't want to admit that this was all done according to some master plan. I just want to be free for a while. To be able to live in a world where pain like this doesn't exist for anyone. But that is the world you now get to live in, I guess I will just have to wait for my turn to join you there.
I love you so much. I will try to be stronger and to make you proud. Your baby boy is squirming so much right now. I wish you were here to see it. You would laugh and pester him like you did Little E to make him even more rambunctious. It was always your way of getting back at me since you had to be "nice" while I was pregnant. lol I sometimes wonder if you are egging him on even now.
Have a wonderful night love. I hope you come to see me again in my dreams soon. They aren't enough but they definitely help.
Sincerely, your lonely wife.
This video was from the 14th of July. We were having a barbecue dinner and while he cooked the meat Michael entertained Little E on the trampoline. They always had a great time chasing each other around.
Dear Michael, Your insomniac wife is back... its amazing how hard it is to get back to sleep when you aren't there next to me. Do you remember how I used to stay up late when you went on trips, and you would tell me off. I just never could sleep without you there. Its too lonely...
Anyways, I figured while I was up I would tell you about Lion King. After I was so sick last week, we figured that Lion King was a bust and there was no way we could go. The day we should have left was the day I almost never left the bathroom. There was no way we could take the girls down, get settled, make it to the show, and enjoy it all in one day.
When I woke up on Wednesday I felt a million times better. My Mom and Dad thought that maybe my older sister and I should just make a dash down for the play and come back the next day. I wasn't sure how that would go with morning sickness and it being so last minute, but we decided to give it a go. We left Little E and her cousin with Nana and started on our way. (lol the snack of choice in the car was a California Roll of sushi. Thought that might make you laugh. We pregnant woman can't seem to get enough of that stuff lately.)
So we hoped in the car and got about an hour out when the check engine light in the car came on and it started acting a little funny. I got really nervous because we were in the subaru and last time that happened we blew that head gasket. We pulled into a Podunk gas station and figured out that I just hadn't added oil... in a long time... you would have been so mad at me! lol So I went inside and bought the only 2 things of oil in the entire gas station and poured them in. The car felt a lot more normal but the check engine light stayed on. I decided there was nothing more to be done but to keep going and figure it out in Provo.
We made it down to SLC without any further incident. But then I had to deal with driving around Salt Lake and trying to find the blasted theater. I hate city driving! You know how nervious I get trying to figure out all the stupid little rules and not hit anyone at the same time. I almost took out 2 pedestrians, had to make a couple of U turns, and had to try three times to park in this weird spot where you have to pull in backwards at an angle. When I finally turned off the car I was so relieved!!! I seriously wish you could have been there doing that scary stuff for me. But I didn't kill anyone so alls well that ends well. ;)
We hung out in the car for a few minutes while the rest of the gang (My older sister L, her husband, his parents, L's oldest, and my younger sister) all finished dinner and walked up to meet us. Then we walked about 3 blocks up to the Center Theater. It was such a cute tiny little theater. It was very old and historic looking. You would have totally loved it. I guess it was one of the first building that Brigham Young had built when they were making downtown. The one downside was that they had almost no bathrooms in the place!!! Ahhh a pregnant woman's nightmare! lol
When the show started I was immediately impressed with all the puppetry. It was totally amazing what they could do with just a bit of fabric, wood, feathers, and wire. I absolutely loved the masks on Scar and Mufasa. They would stay up above the actors heads most of the time, but if they crouched down it would come over their face and looked so cool and threatening. The music was very impressive and I enjoyed the whole show. I just wished that you could have been there as planned and talked about how fun it was afterward. But I am sure you probably stole a few peeks while I was there and that makes me happy.
There were a couple of songs that were a little hard for me to get through. I had forgotten that in the show Symba is dealing with his fathers death... it all hit a little close to home. He sings a song about how his dad promised to be there for him, but that he was gone. That was a little hard to watch as I felt our little boy kicking me and realized he might feel that way sometimes... But the hardest song was "he lives in you." It was comforting, but difficult to get through without crying. I have been looking for a version of it online that was as good as ours was live, but haven't found any yet. I will post the closest I could find. I am amazed at how good our cast was. All the things on youtube can't even touch them! Especially our Rafiki. She was so cool and even sang using that cool clicking language. :) It was so amazing.
After the show we headed back to L's house and enjoyed night of sleeping without listening for babies. I woke up about this same time and just layed in her hallway and looked out the windows at Mt Timp. It was beautiful and I thought of all of the places we never got to visit together. I have decided I am going to visit as many of them as possible because I have been promised you will be with me, so if I go you will see them too. I definitely promise to make it to Mt Fiji someday in Japan. I know that was one of your dreams and I will make it come true.
The next day was full of errands and fun with the family. We took the Subaru in and got it all fixed up to sell. The mechanic fixed that silly short in the sound system that made it so you have to drive with the lights on to hear any music. He also fixed the front speaker and both the fog lights. I had to laugh remembering how you broke the fog light when you tipped the car over in the ditch fishing with my dad, and how you cute your finger showing the damage to mom. Its nice to know that things like that damaged finger are now no longer something that bother you.
We also played with the boys outside. We helped them chase dragon flies around the yard. All they had to catch them was a couple of hats, so they didn't have much success but it was fun to watch them try. We then played a couple of rounds of candle tag. (you turn into a candle and melt slowly. If someone else tags you you are free but if you melt you are it.) After 2 rounds I realized why pregnant women don't usually play tag at 8 months. I felt like I had been riding a horse for 6 hours and had a hard time walking! lol It didn't hurt for too long but I decided running was off of my list of activities for the next month or so. I am sure you were there watching and laughing your head off as I waddled away from little N as fast as my belly would let me. At least I hope so, that would make it all a little more worth it to know you were entertained by the whole scenario. ;)
Anyways, I probably better wrap this up and get back to bed or I will be dead to the world tomorrow. I love you and hope that you are happy and working hard.
