I'm waiting for my real life to begin...

Dear Michael,
I was laying in bed trying to take a nap while the kids were both sleeping and I just couldn't fall asleep. I tossed and turned and my brain just wouldn't shut off. I was thinking about how things have changed, how they might be someday, and how they used to be. It amazes me that I have made it so long without you. It amazes me that in some ways you are becoming a memory instead of a reality to me. I don't like that at all. It is hard for me to think of how things would be because so much has changed. The life I am living now is so utterly different from what my life was like before... with you. For example, I get the children in bed at night and can go from 7:00 pm to 7:00 am without saying a single word. I go about my work, or watch a show, or just sit and think in silence. I truly miss our conversations. I miss those evening hours with you. They were so wonderful.
One thing that I can't stop thinking about is how my life might change someday. I wonder who I might end up with. I wonder if I will just learn to be fine on my own. Really I just wonder how God will make this ok. I have been promised that. I just must lack imagination because I can't comprehend how it can be. Its not like I am terribly depressed right now. I just wonder how it will all work. I just feel like I am living in limbo, kind of like right after graduation. Not knowing what I am going to be doing in the future. I know I will be a mother to our wonderful children, but beyond that there are so many many questions.
Lately I have been watching scrubs in those lonely evening hours to try to pass the time, and have a few laughs. A lot of the episodes remind me of the fun we had watching them together after we borrowed the series from Lori. We loved them and had so many favorite moments. The other night I watched an episode where they played the song "waiting for my real life to begin." by Colin Hay. I remember you and I really liking that scene the first time we saw it. Scrubs turned us onto Colin Hay and you added his music to our blog play list shortly after. You especially loved this scene. Our favorite parts were in the closet and the last part where Cox smashes the guitar. There are a few of his songs that really have touched me through this experience.
Lori actually told me about that song right after you passed away and said it had always reminded her of you. I know you have finally found peace and a wonderful reality, now its my turn to wait. I am trying to remember that "there is a plan" and to "let the light shine in." Most of the time I am really content with my wonderful life. For I really am blessed with what I have. I just look forward to having answers someday. Until then I am trying to be patient and to grow as a person and learn what I am supposed to from this challenge. I sometimes have to remind myself that this is my real life too. I can't just wait around for someday. I have to live in the now while I dream of the future.
I love you, maybe now that I got these ramblings out I will be able to "get to sleep." :)

Jenny



WAITING FOR MY REAL LIFE TO BEGIN
Album : "Going Somewhere"
written by: Colin Hay

Any minute now, my ship is coming in
I'll keep checking the horizon
I'll stand on the bow, feel the waves come crashing
Come crashing down down down, on me

And you say, be still my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in
But don't you understand
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

When I awoke today, suddenly nothing happened
But in my dreams, I slew the dragon
And down this beaten path, and up this cobbled lane
I'm walking in my old footsteps, once again
And you say, just be here now
Forget about the past, your mask is wearing thin
Let me throw one more dice
I know that I can win
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

Any minute now, my ship is coming in
I’ll keep checking the horizon
And I'll check my machine, there's sure to be that call
It's gonna happen soon, soon, soon
It's just that times are lean

And you say, be still my love
Open up your heart, let the light shine in
Don't you understand
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

Little E's bedtime snack conversation and a late Happy St. Patricks Day!

Dear Michael,

Tonight I finally went out to the garage and cleaned off your work bench. I found all the stencils you used to paint our house number on the curb. You had planned on doing that for a little summer income but then decided to do the job scuba diving. Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if we had made that choice differently. Would you still be here? I usually decide you wouldn't, I would have just lost you some other way (probably a car accident or something.) It just seems like it really must have been your time to go or things wouldn't have happened that way. Anyways, it was good to finally clean that area out. That was another very tough job for me because it was so totally your domain. But I am glad to have some space to work on some of my current projects, and to know what tools are available to me. I still need to do more organizing out there, but at least I have a workbench to use now. I also finally cleaned all of your gloves, hats, and scarves out of the coat closet. Man did you have a lot of winter gear. :) Most of them have very fond memories for me of you playing in the snow with Little E or snow shoveling the driveway, or that horrible winter camping trip we tried during our first year of marriage. I especially love your french fry hat. You wore that one all the time!

Well, I was doing all of the stuff out in the garage after I had put the kids to bed. Then I came in to check on them and Little E was still up and playing in her room. She told me she wanted a bedtime snack and I decided that was ok since she didn't have much of an apatite at dinner. (She is sick with an ear infection and a cough that was "possibly croup" according to the doctor. I think the antibiotics will help but I just wanted her to get some more food and liquids in her system for the night.) So I gave her some banana bread for a snack. She really wanted to back banana bread with me today. She has figured out that when the bananas get brown its time to make banana bread! (They almost never get eaten before then because you aren't here to make milkshakes in the morning with them.) So we had fresh banana bread for a bedtime snack accompanied by wonderful little chattering from Little E. Part of the conversation was so sweet and tender that I really wanted to share it with you and record it for her in the future.

She was sitting at the table and I was washing the bread pan. She looked at me and said. "Mom that was such a fun walk with my cousins. With Sarah and Josh and Nate and Abby. And my Daddy. I really love my Daddy. But my Daddy really died. But it's not sad. Its just happy. His spirit is right here even if we can't see it." Oh how wise my little girl is before she has even reached her third birthday. She really does love you honey. I know she misses you so much, but her example often helps me make it through the days that are the hardest. Thank you so much for the gift you gave me of 2 beautiful wonderful children! I love them more than words can express. I know you do too.

Love,
Jenny

Happy St Patricks Day Honey! Sorry its late. :) Here is a pic of Little E showing off her silly face. (And me with my "will you please just look at the camera and smile face." lol)

Now she is showing off her belly button. lol

Little M grinning because Big Sister is holding him. He totally adores her!

Can you beleive how big he is getting? Its hard for her to hold him now. Crazy!

We love you!

Little M in our hotel room. This was the weekend of the widows conference. He is holding your glasses that you wore in your classroom for the kids on St. Patrick's day. I tried to put them on him for a picture but he thought they were too fun to play with. The onsie is one Little E wore for her first St. Patrick's day! 

A few Wedding pics and a Thank You.

Dear Michael,

I dreamed about you again last night. I don't remember much of the dream, just that we were in a church and I was trying so hard to figure out if it was real or not. I was studying everyone's faces because I felt like if I was dreaming than people I didn't know wouldn't have detailed faces. Everyone looked real. You felt so real. It was kind of disorienting, but I was so grateful. I hadn't had a dream for a long time and it was nice to just hold your in church. I should have known it was a dream though, because your cousin G was there and had total Tim Burton hair going on, like Edward Scissor-hands style. It was awesome!

You used to have this sticker in good old Smokey's back window when we were dating. :) It totally impressed me!

I was going through more of our wedding pictures last night and finally got them uploaded to our computer. There were some I had never ever seen because I had only seen the prints. It was so refreshing to see more images of that wonderful day. Here are a few of my favorites that I loved because of your hands.
Love,
Jenny

I don't remember what we were joking around about but I love this picture with your joking pout on your face and your hand propping up my chin like you are saying, "Chin up honey, its all going to be ok!" I'm trying honey. I'm trying.

This is one of the pictures I hadn't seen because the photographer didn't think it was worth printing, but I love it! It is such a great picture of one of your huge Michael hugs. I can't wait until our reunion when I can finally get another one of those.

I love our rings. Yours has an engraving inside that says "For time and all eternity." Sometimes I take it out just to remind myself of the promise I have been given. I absolutely love my ring, but I stopped wearing it about 2 months ago. There was a string of friends of mine that had lost their diamonds and I knew I wouldn't be able to face that. So I put it away where it would be safe and started wearing a gift ring from my family. They gave it to me on our anniversary. It was very sweet.

Sweet sweet kisses.

I love this look you are giving me. I really miss it, and having your strong hands touching me. I love you honey!

There's a Place for us...

Dear Michael,

I finally got your Ipod shuffle working. I couldn't figure out how to charge the thing, but finally realized I had plugged it into a socket that wasn't working for some reason. Anyways, I got it all charged up and was excited to listen to it and see what mixes you had made for yourself. I turned it on and suddenly realized that I was listening to one of the last songs you had played for yourself. It was still halfway through the song right where you had paused it over 8 months ago. It was playing Romeo and Juliet by the Indigo Girls. I loved this song. The way she sings it has so much emotion in it! It really struck a cord with me. I can remember singing along with you in the car at the top of our lungs. You even learned it on the Guitar and sang it with that same intensity. It was one of my favorite things that you played. I was amazed with how fast and hard you could strum while you sang with your eyes closed. I so wish I had videos of you singing all of the songs you knew. It was such an everyday thing that I never thought to pic up a camera and record it. Amazing how the things that were so normal are the things we really miss the most. It makes me more careful about recording what our children do. I pull out the camera sometimes and just try to get their everyday interactions because I know I will miss it when they grow up. 

While I was looking up the song trying to find a video of it I found a version that The Killers had made of it. Can you beleive that! I was so sad that I couldn't just call you over to the computer and show you because I know you would have thought that was so cool! I wish we could have gone to one of their concerts together like we had wanted.

There are so many things everyday like that. Things that I wish I could call you to tell you about, things that I want to watch with you, things that I want to do for you, but mostly I just want to be held by you. I was looking through our wedding photos today, the thing that stuck out the most to me was your hands. All those wonderful pictures of your hands holding mine, touching my cheek, around my waist. Oh how I miss your touch. I am so grateful for the fact that you were so willing to hold my hand in public, to kiss me goodbye every morning, for every wonderful touch. I miss it so deeply, but only because it was so wonderful while I had it. Thank you for every moment you gave me.

There were a few lyrics from this song that fit so well for me right now. Especially these ones "Now all I do is miss you, and the way it used to be... all I do is kiss you through the bars of this rhyme... you said I love you like the stars above, I'm gonna love you till I die, there's a place for us." There is a place for us honey. It is so hard now. I miss you more than I can say, but I know that there is a place where we will be together. I thank God every day for that.
Love,
Jenny


I think its funny that when I looked up the video today it was the first time I had heard the entire song by them. The version on your Ipod always cuts out at the very end "He's got a love song that he made, he fi.." lol It always made me curious to find out how the song really ended. Now I know. I like it. :)

Vintage Swing Night.

Dear Michael,

I call this look "House Wives should have fun too."

I had such a great time last night! It was vintage night at swing night on campus. Last semester I didn't do anything for it, I just didn't feel up to doing anything beyond the bare necessities to go out. But yesterday I pulled out the dress I wore when I graduated collage (I bought it with your Mom and sisters on our Girls trip to Boise) got my new pearls that Mom gave me for Christmas. Then I went and got my hair done. It was so fun! I told her I wanted something from the 40's or 50's and we looked at a few pictures. Then she sprayed my hair full of hairspray, curled it all in ringlets, and brushed them out. At this point I was kind of confused because I thought she would just pin all those ringlets into place. Boy was I wrong! She got out her comb and began ratting my hair, until I looked like I was from the 70's! I didn't think my hair could get that big! It literally stuck straight out in all directions! I kind of began to panic at this point because I had no idea how she could make me look pretty when I looked like I had stuck my finger in a light socket. lol But then she combed it back into this beautiful swoop that so reminded me of all my grandmothers modeling photos! She pined and brushed and pined my crazy fro into a beautiful elegant hairdo that was PERFECT! It was so worth the time and money to feel so beautiful for a night. I haven't dressed up like that for over a year. The last time was for Second chance prom with you last year (I was pregnant and felt anything but beautiful. Mostly I just felt sick), I had also dressed up the year before that (when I was too fat from my first pregnancy to fit in any of my usual dresses and I just wanted to cry...) So ya, its been a while since I felt so pretty. I loved it!

Can't you just see me vacuuming the house in those pearls! :) Ok, I know its hard to picture when I always do it in my pj's but use your imagination honey!

Seriously, how do you get that out of a fro? Amazing!

I just wish you could have been here so I could have planted a giant red lipstick kiss on your check and told you not to wipe it off until the end of the night. But I know that if you were here I wouldn't have been going to swing night anyways. It actually caused some of our worst fights during that first year of our marriage. Funny how all important I had thought it to be back then, once I gave it up I we were both so much happier. I never thought I would be going back there, salsa dancing with you every once in awhile and dancing in the kitchen was more than enough for me. I am glad I have it to look forward to now, but sometimes it is still a little awkward. However, I am learning to just stop over thinking things, and have a great time! Its so wonderful to just get out and make some new friends while getting some energy out.

This ones for you Michael!

I got so many complements last night on my costume. Some nice ones on my dancing too. I even won a "lead follow" dance competition. I did the first song with a nice boy named Nathan. Then we had to switch partners and I won with another boy named Daniel. I didn't expect that at all but it sure was fun and I got a free candy bar out of the deal so no complaints here!

Oh, I almost forgot to tell you about a couple of cute things Little E did while I was getting ready. First I was changing and she looked at me and said, "Your so skinny mommy!"  I think she has been hearing people say that to me a lot lately but it totally made me laugh. Then I had on my pink robe and came out to give her more noodles for dinner and she looked at me with sparkling eyes and said in a very sweet voice, "Oh Mom! You are so beautiful!!!" Best complement of the night by far! She is so sweet and wonderful. I love her more than I can say.

Mommy and Baby Clown.

After she was done with dinner we went into the bathroom where I was doing my makeup. I pulled out blush for the first time in I don't know how long and Little E was fascinated with it! She did her cheeks, her tummy, her back, and eventually started painting "clown shoes" on her feet with the blush. It was too cute. The whole time she was talking to me and calling me "Mommy clown" she was "baby clown." I finally pulled out my bright red lipstick for the final touch and she wanted some SO BAD! I put it on her and she ran to the mirror to admire her "clown lips". Then we ran around the house dancing to BINGO and playing Simon says (her new favorite game. She learned it last Sunday and is loves it now). I think it may have been the funnest part of the evening. :)

Love,
Jenny

Dodge Ball

Dear Michael,
I was just going through my old emails tonight. Trying to figure out how to clean out my inbox and still have a good record kept of things I have done in the past. While I was looking through I have found several little chats and emails we sent back and forth. In one you just said "Hey cakes." I had forgotten that you sometimes used my dad's nickname for me. :)

But I just wanted to share this little email conversation for your Mom and sisters because it made me laugh out loud tonight when I really needed to. This was right around the time that we were getting ready to start trying for our second baby.We had to sign up for our insurance about 3 months before we could start trying, and we wanted to start trying by December so we wouldn't have a baby too late in the fall. We ended up getting pregnant in January. It worked out pretty well, but I did miss all the nice walks in the evening fussy time. It just got cold way too fast this year! Anyways, this was around when you had started doing the before and after school program for some extra income and you were playing dodge ball with the kids. I remember you ended up breaking your ring finger at one point because you played a game with a giant ball instead of normal dodge ball. Your ring never fit right after that so you wore a fake wedding ring that was a little larger. You always got way too into the game for you (or any of the kids) good. ;)
I love you, thanks for making me chuckle tonight.
Jenny

AFLAC dates

Michael

9/8/09

Hey Jen,

The AFLAC rep will be coming in on 9/18.  I'll make sure to get us signed up.

Jennifer

Ok. Sounds good. This totally freaks me out you know. I think we should just have one kid. j/k
How did your dodge ball class go?

Michael

It was fun I'll probably start playing tomorrow.  though it's tough not to have that planning time.  I'm excited stop practicing, and getting my game face on! ;)

Jennifer

ha ha ha! I can only imagine how scared those little kids are going to be when you start chucking those balls at them! They are going to totally wet themselves!
 

My New Room!

Dear Michael,

Here is my new room! It was a lot of fun to put it all together and have it turn out so amazing. It really feels like a place for me to be me now. I loved it before, but I just needed a change. I needed to not think of you every time I walked in the room. For now... someday maybe I can handle putting pictures back up in there. But it is really nice to have a little safe haven, although I still fall asleep thinking of you most nights. But its a little easier during nap time when I don't see things everywhere I look that remind me what is missing next to me. However, there are still elements throughout the room that remind me you in a happy way, and I feel like you would love it too.

First I am going to post some before pictures. Do you remember when we went on our shopping spree after we first got married and decided we needed an "adult" room? We went to walmart and got the bedspread, picture frames, a curtain and rod, a rug (that's now on your desk in the man cave. It was kind of a grass oriental rug), and a tv entertainment center (ziggy pop sits on that now). Then you got all excited and ordered a cool oriental chess set with jade pieces and little painted tiles for the squares. It was so excited to put the whole thing together and look around at our first real project together. We were so proud of ourselves and it was so us! I remember just looking at it with you, holding hands in the doorway of our room. What a wonderful moment. It felt like all the world was ours for the taking!

The bedspread is so fun, although it has seen quite a bit of wear over the years with all the baby spit up that I have had to wash off of it. It is going to go down to the guest room now along with many of the other decorations. The two fans were from when we went to the collage for a performance of the Chinese circus. We were both in awe of the amazing acrobatics and the crazy contortionists. Then we went out and bought those fans to remind us of that night, and because we knew they would go well with our other decorations. You got a very manly fan with a golden king on it, I got a flowery one that felt so dainty in my hands that I couldn't resist it. I remember the man telling us the story written on your fan, but I can't remember the story anymore, just that it was about an old king. Maybe someday I can find someone to translate it for me. Little E sure has been hard to keep away from those fans, I was always having to remind her not to try to pull them off the wall because there were pins that would hurt her holding them up. She also loved the curtain behind our bed. She was always pulling on it and hiding behind it. She even pulled the top screw out of the wall once, remember? We always meant to fix it, but never got around to it. Well, Lori and I fixed it when we painted.

I love the paint! It really is such a clean and soothing color. :) We really did great when we picked it. And I love the color scheme. Green has been so wonderful, after all its one of the most soothing colors, but blue is my favorite. I grew up in a blue and yellow room (part of the reason we painted Little E's those colors) but blue and brown is very grown up and comfortable for me. Although Little E doesn't like it. She keeps yelling at me, "I don't like this room! Make it green!" I have to tell her that the downstairs room is going to be the green one. I will have to get it done soon so she will be appeased.

Well, enough talking time for the pictures. :)

Bedroom before. The fans are from the Chinese circus, the left hand top screw is the one Little E pulled out, the right hand decoration is what our pet Scooge used to hang out on in our living room.

The picture frame you picked out and the picture you chose to put in it. That was such a wonderful day.

Dresser before. The little picture thing on the left was a gift from you for our first Christmas together. I remember you hiding in our office at the time telling me I couldn't come in while you were making it. You cut out all the pictures, assembled it and colored a big heart on the back. :) It was the perfect gift! The bowl on the right is a wooden bowl made by my neighbor growing up. He had a wood working shop where he made amazing things. We called him Grandpa because he was like family. I hope you have gotten to meet him. He is amazing too.     

Bedroom after! I love how the pattern on the curtain looks like fish scales. It reminds me of all the times you would go out fishing and I would pray you wouldn't catch anything for me to have to cook! lol Sorry honey, I am probably the reason for all your bad luck on the river. ;)

I had to sew these valences from longer curtains because they didn't sell the matching valences. I hope to use some of the leftover fabric to make a cover for my bed-stand.

Dresser after. On top is the jewelry box you gave me for christmas the year before we had Little E.

I saw these decorations from across the store and loved them instantly! They are mother of pearl which reminds me of the last gift you gave me (a little humming bird necklace you bought in Alaska. It has a mother of pearl stomach.) I love the way they look in the room!

The new room really accents the light fixture you picked out and installed in our room! I have had several people ask if I changed that out during this week, but its just that the new room really makes it look great. :) I love it.

My napping companion. He keeps me company when I am lonely. He even came over and cuddled me last night while I cried while sorting laundry.  Love you Trek!

I hope you like it. :) I am pretty proud!
Love,
Jenny