Dear Michael,
Happy Birthday! I love you so much. I have a few plans for your birthday and have given special gifts to your family and friends in honor of your memory. I hope you like what I have planned. Its pretty hard to top my gift last year, but I sure tried. I will tell you more about it later. I just wanted to be one of the first to wish you Happy Birthday!
Love,
Jenny
Our friend Carly sent me a sweet video this morning as a birthday gift to you. I love it! She is so wonderful. I loved that day. She was just starting out on her photography adventure and used us for practice. We were both so excited to be having our first baby. What a great time in our life. :) I love you!
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Friday, May 13, 2011
Little M has a new tooth. :)
Dear Little M,
I am so sorry this past week has been so hard for you. You are such a good baby and I almost never see you unhappy, but this last week you have had three strikes against you. First you got a cold and ended up with a double ear infection. Then with the antibiotics you are on for the ear infection you have gotten terrible diaper rash (your sister was the same way.) And finally you have been cutting a new tooth. Yesterday it finally broke through and you are now the proud owner of two bottom teeth. I hope that the rest of the week will be nicer for you now that it has finally broken through and your ears are on the mend. I love you and am so glad you are my little cuddle bug.
Love,
Mommy
I am so sorry this past week has been so hard for you. You are such a good baby and I almost never see you unhappy, but this last week you have had three strikes against you. First you got a cold and ended up with a double ear infection. Then with the antibiotics you are on for the ear infection you have gotten terrible diaper rash (your sister was the same way.) And finally you have been cutting a new tooth. Yesterday it finally broke through and you are now the proud owner of two bottom teeth. I hope that the rest of the week will be nicer for you now that it has finally broken through and your ears are on the mend. I love you and am so glad you are my little cuddle bug.
Love,
Mommy
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| 5/4/2011 This picture was taken at Grandma Jonie's. You are snuggling Missy and you can just see your first tooth peeking through your gums. I haven't taken a good picture of your second one yet. I love your sparkly eyes and infectious baby giggles! |
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Little E's Song
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| You just helped me pick this picture out for this post. :) |
I went into your bedroom this morning because I had just put Little M back down and it sounded like you were crying. Usually I don't go in to get you until you knock on the door to get my attention. I came in to find you on your slide peeking out the window behind the curtains. All I could see were your cute little legs and your tippy toes that you were standing on to see outside. I heard you singing the cutest little song. It went something like this. "There's a robin. He is sitting on his net (nest). There he goes to feed his babies. So they will catch (hatch.) He is sitting on his eggs."
It was a very cute song. I wish I could have recorded it for you with the tune. It was very sweet. I love you so much! Thank you for always brightening my days.
Love,
Mommy
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Country Boy
I have been on a huge trip since last Monday and am so excited to upload all the pictures and videos to tell you all about it. It was an amazing trip that was made possible by my great parents who traveled with us in our van "The Gentleman" as I have named it. (I still love that it opens doors for me!)
Anyways, I just wanted to record a quick story that made me laugh out loud today in the car. My dad listened to all kinds of old music on this trip and today he was playing some John Denver. I still love John, especially his Christmas CD with the Muppet's. "Thank God I'm a Country Boy" came on and I had such a fun flash back to our first apartment. Do you remember when I was sleeping in one Saturday and you decided it was time I get my lazy self out of bed? All of a sudden I heard that song blaring on the stereo (you had it set to the chorus) and you came running into the room in your cowboy hat yelling "Yeeehaaa!" at the top of your lungs and jumping on the bed doing the knee high cowboy dance and clapping your hands. I was totally shocked. It was so funny! Although I am pretty sure I was really mad at you for waking me when I was trying to sleep in. I still don't know why that was the way you decided to wake me up that morning but that song will always bring a huge smile to my face. I love you honey. I am so glad you're my country boy.
Love,
Jenny
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| I have to laugh at this shirt you are wearing. It was one of the shirts I had tried so hard to get rid of because it was falling apart. But you loved it too much and kept wearing it even though it was falling apart. I tried to sew it back up for you with the serger and it just shredded instead. You can't say I didn't try though. :) I also love that you are holding your belt buckle. I wish you could see it in the picture. You loved cool belt buckles and always said they were a guys version of jewelry and one of the few ways you could express your individuality. I am so glad I let you go back and buy that Buddha buckle that you wanted so badly. It made you happy which makes me happy now. I smile every time I see it. |
Friday, April 29, 2011
Just trying to take each day as it comes,
Dear Michael,
I have been having a hard time the past few days. It feels like I just can't handle my reality as well as I normally can. I am fine during the times that the kids are up or that I am busy with other people, but during the evening hours it has gotten hard again. I feel like I just don't have the energy to handle thoughts that keep circling in my head. I don't want to, so instead I turn on Scrubs and try not to think. I don't get much done once the kids are asleep, but I think that is ok. I have been through this cycle before. Soon I will have a good breakdown and feel better and more motivated again. I have had a couple of hard moments lately. But not a full blown breakdown for a couple of weeks. I can feel it coming, and I oddly look forward to the release. Weird huh? But I guess I am just learning what my method of dealing is right now.
I had a kind of hard time this week for a few different reasons. One reason was that I have been listening to your Ipod while driving in the car. It has brought up all kinds of memories and emotions that I usually am able to keep buried. Memories of you singing The Cures "doing the unstuck" in the kitchen while dancing with Little E and I after diner. So many wonderful times where we were just sitting in the car laughing and talking while we drove to the store or went on a date. It has been really hard but something I have enjoyed at the same time. I had an entire day of driving on Tuesday because I went to Logan and back to save that dog from being put down. I know it was dumb, but I just couldn't face having his death on my conscience. It would have been too much on top of everything else... So I spent the day in the car listening to your music and thinking of you. I have such a hard time when I realize how long I have to go before I get to actually have a two way conversation with you again. It spend so much time thinking of what I would say to you or writing to you... never getting a response. It really really stinks. But I know that it will get easier. I have already seen that. This journey is just one made up of many ups and downs and I am not sure if it will ever really end until my life is finally done and I feel your warm arms around me. In fact I am pretty sure it won't. Its the nature of the beast I guess.
Wednesday was pretty hard too. I went to swing night hoping for a distraction. It was fun, but I felt pretty awkward again because it was a new semester so there was a lot of getting to know you questions that I am still not comfortable with. I feel like I have to lie in a way because I don't want every person I dance with to know that I am a mother of 2 and a widow at age 24. So I answer with as little info as possible and hope that they will let me switch the conversation to being about them quickly. Anyways, I finally got over my awkwardness for the most part and was feeling pretty good. Then I danced with a guy who asked me what I did right as the next song started. It was our wedding song "A wink and a smile". I blanked and said "actually I am a stay at home mom." then he asked if I was married and I said "I'm a widow and I have to go, this is my wedding song..." and ran out of the room crying. I sobbed in the hallway through the whole song. I felt so stupid and wondered why I even bother leaving the house when I am obviously not really fitting in anywhere. I don't really fit in with the single people or the married people. I don't even fit in with those who have been divorced. I pretty much feel awkward everywhere I go. Hopefully I can get past that but for now it just makes it hard to want do anything but sit around at home and watch my stupid show.
Well, after I got control of myself I went back in and apologized to the guy for running out on him like that. He told me not to worry about it and that I am an amazing person and gave me a hug. It was sweet but I sure don't feel like an amazing person. I feel like I am just struggling to make it through the days.
I do have to admit, I wondered for a minute if that song playing was your doing. He was pretty much the nicest looking guy there that night. I wondered if it was your way of saying "No liking anyone but me Jenny!" The thought made me laugh.
Thursday was hard too. I went to a CPR class and just listening to the process was hard. He talked about drownings and what you would have to do and I couldn't help but imagine what the scene was like by the water when they pulled you up, or on the way to the hospital. I still don't know much about what happened that day. I mostly try to block out any questions or thoughts I have about it because they don't do any good. I don't ever get any answers. So why torture myself? What's the point? But I am glad I went to the class. It is nice to know that if someone needed help I have some knowledge and might just be able to help keep their family from going through the things we are.
Well, writing all of this down has been about all the thoughts that I can handle tonight, so back to my mindless episodes of Scrubs. Hopefully they can help me make it through until its late enough to fall asleep. I love you honey. I miss you more than words can express. We will get there, one day at a time.
Love,
Jenny
Ps. I just wanted to write down the reason that we picked our wedding song. I had forgotten until I read through my journal. It was the song you sang on the lake shore to me while we danced in the light of the setting sun just before we had our first kiss. What a wonderful summer that was. It was magical. I loved dancing with you while you sang to me...
I have to say my favorite part of this song is when he says "Its the perfect day for making out" and "rip zip and bop and bop and kiss her well" because of the way you always sang it to me. You made me laugh every time! You also always ran a finger down your face while singing "everything that makes you cry". And you would blow a kiss at the end. Oh this song is just so full of you! I love it. I wish I could see you dance to it just one more time. But I guess that is what memories are for.
(Added a couple new songs to the play list. Live like were dying-Kris Allen, Wink and a smile-Harry Connick Jr., World spins madly on-Weepies.)
I have been having a hard time the past few days. It feels like I just can't handle my reality as well as I normally can. I am fine during the times that the kids are up or that I am busy with other people, but during the evening hours it has gotten hard again. I feel like I just don't have the energy to handle thoughts that keep circling in my head. I don't want to, so instead I turn on Scrubs and try not to think. I don't get much done once the kids are asleep, but I think that is ok. I have been through this cycle before. Soon I will have a good breakdown and feel better and more motivated again. I have had a couple of hard moments lately. But not a full blown breakdown for a couple of weeks. I can feel it coming, and I oddly look forward to the release. Weird huh? But I guess I am just learning what my method of dealing is right now.
I had a kind of hard time this week for a few different reasons. One reason was that I have been listening to your Ipod while driving in the car. It has brought up all kinds of memories and emotions that I usually am able to keep buried. Memories of you singing The Cures "doing the unstuck" in the kitchen while dancing with Little E and I after diner. So many wonderful times where we were just sitting in the car laughing and talking while we drove to the store or went on a date. It has been really hard but something I have enjoyed at the same time. I had an entire day of driving on Tuesday because I went to Logan and back to save that dog from being put down. I know it was dumb, but I just couldn't face having his death on my conscience. It would have been too much on top of everything else... So I spent the day in the car listening to your music and thinking of you. I have such a hard time when I realize how long I have to go before I get to actually have a two way conversation with you again. It spend so much time thinking of what I would say to you or writing to you... never getting a response. It really really stinks. But I know that it will get easier. I have already seen that. This journey is just one made up of many ups and downs and I am not sure if it will ever really end until my life is finally done and I feel your warm arms around me. In fact I am pretty sure it won't. Its the nature of the beast I guess.
Wednesday was pretty hard too. I went to swing night hoping for a distraction. It was fun, but I felt pretty awkward again because it was a new semester so there was a lot of getting to know you questions that I am still not comfortable with. I feel like I have to lie in a way because I don't want every person I dance with to know that I am a mother of 2 and a widow at age 24. So I answer with as little info as possible and hope that they will let me switch the conversation to being about them quickly. Anyways, I finally got over my awkwardness for the most part and was feeling pretty good. Then I danced with a guy who asked me what I did right as the next song started. It was our wedding song "A wink and a smile". I blanked and said "actually I am a stay at home mom." then he asked if I was married and I said "I'm a widow and I have to go, this is my wedding song..." and ran out of the room crying. I sobbed in the hallway through the whole song. I felt so stupid and wondered why I even bother leaving the house when I am obviously not really fitting in anywhere. I don't really fit in with the single people or the married people. I don't even fit in with those who have been divorced. I pretty much feel awkward everywhere I go. Hopefully I can get past that but for now it just makes it hard to want do anything but sit around at home and watch my stupid show.
Well, after I got control of myself I went back in and apologized to the guy for running out on him like that. He told me not to worry about it and that I am an amazing person and gave me a hug. It was sweet but I sure don't feel like an amazing person. I feel like I am just struggling to make it through the days.
I do have to admit, I wondered for a minute if that song playing was your doing. He was pretty much the nicest looking guy there that night. I wondered if it was your way of saying "No liking anyone but me Jenny!" The thought made me laugh.
Thursday was hard too. I went to a CPR class and just listening to the process was hard. He talked about drownings and what you would have to do and I couldn't help but imagine what the scene was like by the water when they pulled you up, or on the way to the hospital. I still don't know much about what happened that day. I mostly try to block out any questions or thoughts I have about it because they don't do any good. I don't ever get any answers. So why torture myself? What's the point? But I am glad I went to the class. It is nice to know that if someone needed help I have some knowledge and might just be able to help keep their family from going through the things we are.
Well, writing all of this down has been about all the thoughts that I can handle tonight, so back to my mindless episodes of Scrubs. Hopefully they can help me make it through until its late enough to fall asleep. I love you honey. I miss you more than words can express. We will get there, one day at a time.
Love,
Jenny
Ps. I just wanted to write down the reason that we picked our wedding song. I had forgotten until I read through my journal. It was the song you sang on the lake shore to me while we danced in the light of the setting sun just before we had our first kiss. What a wonderful summer that was. It was magical. I loved dancing with you while you sang to me...
I have to say my favorite part of this song is when he says "Its the perfect day for making out" and "rip zip and bop and bop and kiss her well" because of the way you always sang it to me. You made me laugh every time! You also always ran a finger down your face while singing "everything that makes you cry". And you would blow a kiss at the end. Oh this song is just so full of you! I love it. I wish I could see you dance to it just one more time. But I guess that is what memories are for.
(Added a couple new songs to the play list. Live like were dying-Kris Allen, Wink and a smile-Harry Connick Jr., World spins madly on-Weepies.)
Happy Christmas Eve Again!
Yup, it snowed 2 inches today... Little E told me it was Christmas Eve when she woke up and saw it. I am thinking about buying some presents and wrapping them just for the heck of it. lol It reminds me why I still have the studs on my Honda when its almost May... Cause you never know in Idaho!
This reminds me of a video text you sent your sister once about how it was snowing in May. I just got a cord that will upload things to the computer from your phone. I hope I can figure out how to do it so I can save all those fun photo's and videos. You were so funny with that phone.
Little E saw me take this with Photo Booth and she wanted to take this picture and then look at the picture of you with two heads. She loves that photo of you and her! It makes her laugh so hard. She had a great time playing with you and the computer. :)
Love you!
Jenny
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| July 21, 2010 |
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| Taken today. :) |
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Happy Easter, and our adventures in the ER
Dear Michael,
A lot has happened in the last week. Little E's cousin moved to California this last Monday for the summer. We are sure going to miss her and her whole family. But I look forward to them coming back in the fall. Little E and Princess will hopefully get to be in the same Preschool class. Can you beleive she is going to start preschool? Time sure does fly! Anyways, we had a busy week while my Mom was down in California helping them all settle in.
Monday we went to FHE with the singles ward. I wanted to just check it out and see if there was anyone I knew and it seemed like a good week to try it. They were doing a service project and cleaning out a local cemetery. So we went and helped. It was sooooo windy! But Little E saw where we were and said "look mom, its Daddy's place!" and got all excited. I had to explain that it was a different place and we could visit "daddy's place" after. She then thought that it was a "dying place" and I had to expain that it was where we bury people who died, but they didn't actually die there. I think it was all a little confusing to her. Anyways, we went to visit you after and she was pretty excited to lay a little rock and seed case on your grave. She changed her mind about the rock and brought it home after but it was still cute to see her giving it to you.
I think she has been having a hard time lately. She threw a fit yesterday when I talked about dying the eggs. I tried to explain that I meant "color" the eggs but she just cried harder. I finally said, "Why are you crying?" and she sobbed "because my daddy died!" She used to use that as a tool to try to manipulate me, but I could tell when she was faking it. This was definitely not a fake. She really does miss you honey. I don't know why its been so hard for her lately, maybe its playing outside so much because she remembers doing all these things with you? I know spring coming was hard for me because of that. Maybe she is the same way?
Anyways, back to our busy week...
Tuesday we got to go swimming in the hotel that you and I stayed at for our honeymoon. It was so much fun. Little E had a great time, especially in the hot tub because she was tall enough to touch the bottom and walk around in it. It wasn't too hot for her so that was a nice place for her to play (while being very closely supervised.) Little M got to wear his new swimming suit Nana bought for him. I thought he was pretty styling. :) Afterward we drove through BK and I tried their new cowboy kind of dollar burger. The whole time I ate it I couldn't stop thinking "Michael would have loved this! I would have bought it as a surprise lunch for him sometime at work with a great big root bear..." Sometimes the little things are the hardest you know?
Wednesday morning I decided to just hop in the car and visit your sister. We drove down to see her and had a great time making cookies, watching her oldest run in a track meet, and enjoying an episode of psych together. It was so much fun to just hang out with her and enjoy each others kids. She hadn't see us since October I think. I wanted to to get to spend time with Little M before he started crawling everywhere and got to be totally uncontrollable. ;) Plus they were getting ready to list the house and I wanted to visit before they move. We did have a crazy thing happen on Wednesday night. Little E had a run in with the "corner of doom." I asked her to go get in the bathroom so we could give her a bath and she tripped over a baby doll I think and hit her head on the baseboard. It cut her head open and ran into the kitchen with her head covered in blood. I couldn't beleive how much she was bleeding. I put her on the sink and got a towel from Jen to help stop the bleeding and then we took her to the ER to see if she needed stitches. Her neighbor was the doctor on call and he told us we just needed to super glue it instead. Little E was so brave. After the initial shock she calmed down a lot and just wanted a green sucker because she was visiting the doctor and she always gets a green sucker at the doctors. She did get upset when she saw blood on my hand. She started crying again when I tried to wash her up and when they put the numbing stuff on her. However, she was pretty good for the whole gluing process. She still cried but continued to carry on a conversation about all kinds of things like favorite colors. She was amazing. You must have been so proud of her, I know I was. She has left the injury alone for the most part, but tonight after I put her to bed she peeled all the glue off, so I had to use a butterfly bandage on it instead. Hopefully she will leave that alone for a while. But it looked like it was healing nicely and it going to be ok, after all it has been a half a week now.
Thursday was a day filled with making cookies, the drive home, visiting teaching appointments, and a play date with her cousin G. We didn't have much time for anything else, but it was a busy day just with that much to do.
Friday we actually went to the store, all three of us! I was very proud of myself. We made it through the whole trip without a single meltdown or me forgetting something on our list. It was a miracle. :)
Saturday we went down to the Baby convention and participated in the "great cloth diaper change." Basically we were part of a world wide cloth diaper change for the Guinness book of world records. They had to have 25 people participate. I thought little E would be too tall to participate (over 39 inches) but she was just under the mark and saved the day because they needed every one there to make it count. We even grabbed a friend off the sidelines at the very end to make sure there was enough. It was kind of fun and I hope to buy the book for them both and put a picture of them participating in it for them to laugh at someday. You know, for bragging rights when they start dating in the future right? "Did you know I am in the Guinness book of world records? Yah, my mom changed me into a cloth diaper along with thousands of other moms at the same time. Pretty cool right? Wanna be my girlfriend?" lol Or maybe not.
Little E had a fun time watching all of the girl dancers doing their performance and also enjoyed jumping on the little mini trampoline. We all had a pretty good time considering we were tired from our busy week and flying without a copilot (my Mom couldn't go with us). I was pretty proud of us after I got home and realized we had made it through two outings in a row without a major fit/mishap happening. I hope we can keep it up. Maybe things are going to start getting easier for a while. Little E has sure become a helpful little girl and Little M is still his sweet easygoing self. Hopefully we can keep this up through our big trip this summer.
Sunday we had a wonderful time at church. Little E really enjoyed learning about the Easter story and how Jesus came back to life. She also loved her Easter basket and "Easter treats". This year she got 1 cad bury egg, 2 marshmallows, a few jellybeans, and a basket full of animal cracker and goldfish filled eggs. She also got a new pair of gardening gloves to help me plant flowers and a little bunny toy. After church we went to Nana's for nap time and a family get together. She had a great time on the Easter egg hunt and a bike ride with her cousin G. Little M enjoyed flirting with Grandma "Fishy" who loved his new Easter suit. However, he was more cranky than normal and wasn't napping well. Papa looked at him for a second and said "is he getting a new tooth on the right side?" Sure enough he is cutting his first tooth on the bottom right side. Leave it to Mr. Observant to be the one to notice it. What an amazing grandpa. He caught it before me, and I am nursing the kid! Little M felt a lot better after he got a little Tylenol and a nice walk outside to calm him down. All in all it was a beautiful Easter that helped me remember that all of the promises we have been given are thanks to the original beautiful Easter Sunday. Thank goodness I have a savior who made it possible for us to live together forever. No matter how long in the future that is, I can always look forward to it. :) (Sorry, no pictures of Easter tonight. I need to upload them first. Hopefully I can get them up before a month goes by...)
Sorry for the novel, but like I said it was a busy week. I love you and wish you could have been there to help me hide the eggs and teach Little E to ride her bike. But I am sure you are teaching us all even more important things. Thank you for all you do, even if I don't get to know exactly what it is.
Happy Easter honey!
Love,
Jenny
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| Cousins playing in Little E's "dog house" together Mon. |
Monday we went to FHE with the singles ward. I wanted to just check it out and see if there was anyone I knew and it seemed like a good week to try it. They were doing a service project and cleaning out a local cemetery. So we went and helped. It was sooooo windy! But Little E saw where we were and said "look mom, its Daddy's place!" and got all excited. I had to explain that it was a different place and we could visit "daddy's place" after. She then thought that it was a "dying place" and I had to expain that it was where we bury people who died, but they didn't actually die there. I think it was all a little confusing to her. Anyways, we went to visit you after and she was pretty excited to lay a little rock and seed case on your grave. She changed her mind about the rock and brought it home after but it was still cute to see her giving it to you.
I think she has been having a hard time lately. She threw a fit yesterday when I talked about dying the eggs. I tried to explain that I meant "color" the eggs but she just cried harder. I finally said, "Why are you crying?" and she sobbed "because my daddy died!" She used to use that as a tool to try to manipulate me, but I could tell when she was faking it. This was definitely not a fake. She really does miss you honey. I don't know why its been so hard for her lately, maybe its playing outside so much because she remembers doing all these things with you? I know spring coming was hard for me because of that. Maybe she is the same way?
Anyways, back to our busy week...
Tuesday we got to go swimming in the hotel that you and I stayed at for our honeymoon. It was so much fun. Little E had a great time, especially in the hot tub because she was tall enough to touch the bottom and walk around in it. It wasn't too hot for her so that was a nice place for her to play (while being very closely supervised.) Little M got to wear his new swimming suit Nana bought for him. I thought he was pretty styling. :) Afterward we drove through BK and I tried their new cowboy kind of dollar burger. The whole time I ate it I couldn't stop thinking "Michael would have loved this! I would have bought it as a surprise lunch for him sometime at work with a great big root bear..." Sometimes the little things are the hardest you know?
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| Check out my new swim trunks! I am such a stud. :) |
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| Little E had a lot of fun in that tube and Little M just wanted to eat anything within reach. |
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| Hangin with Aunt Jen |
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| She hit the corner on the left. |
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| The corner of DOOM!!! |
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| Pretty ouchy huh? It hurt me just looking at it. But she was a trooper and seems to be fine. What a strong little girl. |
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| The cookie she made (while tasting all the frosting after I told her not to double dip. lol) |
Saturday we went down to the Baby convention and participated in the "great cloth diaper change." Basically we were part of a world wide cloth diaper change for the Guinness book of world records. They had to have 25 people participate. I thought little E would be too tall to participate (over 39 inches) but she was just under the mark and saved the day because they needed every one there to make it count. We even grabbed a friend off the sidelines at the very end to make sure there was enough. It was kind of fun and I hope to buy the book for them both and put a picture of them participating in it for them to laugh at someday. You know, for bragging rights when they start dating in the future right? "Did you know I am in the Guinness book of world records? Yah, my mom changed me into a cloth diaper along with thousands of other moms at the same time. Pretty cool right? Wanna be my girlfriend?" lol Or maybe not.
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| Right by where we did the "great cloth diaper change". I love that stroller. It made the whole outing possible! :) |
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| Little E was mesmerized by these dancers. |
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| I couldn't beleive how high they got. It was crazy, they were like little monkeys! |
Sorry for the novel, but like I said it was a busy week. I love you and wish you could have been there to help me hide the eggs and teach Little E to ride her bike. But I am sure you are teaching us all even more important things. Thank you for all you do, even if I don't get to know exactly what it is.
Happy Easter honey!
Love,
Jenny
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