So, what are you having for dinner? Well, Green Pancakes al a Little E. :) Her favorite color is green, so we mixed up a batch and she ate them like they were going out of style. Note to self, my new weapon of choice is food coloring!
Mix 3 drops yellow to 1 drop green to make Lime Green. :)
Yummy! Brinner! She eats any meal she can get away with on the counter now. She figured out how to climb up there on her own and thinks its the coolest place to be. I had to get a lock for the medicine cabinet because she kept getting in there. She really enjoys her "gummy medicine" vitamins and tries to get it all the time.
Dear Michael,
This is a post I have been writing in my head for months now. I am just finally sitting down to write it. I have really been struggling lately with a pendulum swinging back and forth between "I can do this, maybe I will just stay single." and "Why don't I have someone here right now! Maybe I should start dating so I can stop being so lonely."
It is a really hard emotional roller coaster. It doesn't help that you and I used to joke about what I could do if you died. You would say to me, "Jenny, if I die you are NOT aloud to remarry! Ever! However if you died I would have to take a date to the funeral or I wouldn't be able to find it." We would joke about it a bit, but you were actually serious. You really didn't like the idea of me ever being with someone else. And who can blame you? I don't like the idea of me ever being with someone else. It feels too much like cheating... Those conversations where you joked around about this still haunt me. Especially the next part of the joke. And I quote, "Jenny, people are going to say that I would feel differently once I was on the other side. That I'd changed and would just want you to be happy. Well they are lying! You are NOT aloud to remarry!" I can remember the conversations I had within the first couple of weeks after you had died. People did say that to me and each time I pointed at them and said, "He told me you would say that!" It is really disconcerting...
But I hate to telly you honey, I don't think I can do this on my own for the rest of my life. I am too much of a cuddler. I want someone to give my whole self to again. I want someone to just do nothing with while we sit on the couch in the evening and relax once the kids are in bed. My family keeps saying that since you left first you lost your vote, but that is kind of unfair because it wasn't really your choice to leave. Can you tell I am a little confused on this issue. I really don't know how I am ever going to get past those conversations with you and feel like you would be ok with me finding someone new. But I really don't think its fair for Little M to never have a father who was alive in his lifetime. I don't think its fair for Little E to not have a Dad to baptize her when she turns 8 or give her away at her wedding. This whole situation is full of things that just don't seem fair... But I just have to keep telling myself, "It will all work itself out in the end. All things will be for your good."
I guess if I am totally honest with myself I know that the day will come when I decide its time to break that deal with you, (not that I ever really agreed you know...) But I don't know how I will recognize that time when it comes. I have been thinking a lot about the book, "The missing piece meets the big O." One of the reasons I haven't even started opening myself up to the possibility of dating someone is that I know I am still a missing piece. I have always thought it was important to be whole on your own before you make a life with someone else. (The saying "You complete me" has always made my hackles rise!) Its one of the reasons I felt we worked so well together. We where both already whole and didn't need the other to complete ourselves. We could roll together and it made for a great life. But as we lived our life we became one. Then you died and half of my life, my everything was torn from my grasp. It was the most painful experience I have ever gone through. Hopefully the worst thing I will ever go through... I no longer feel like a big O. I am a missing piece. I am trying to learn to roll again, but until I have smoothed off enough of my edges I don't feel like I am ready to date. I wonder if I will ever feel ready. Well, until then I will just keep trying to grow into a stronger person on my own and I will enjoy the wonderful life and relationships I still have. Little E tells me daily that she loves me and cuddles me all the time, although her kisses have been a little wet for my taste lately... Little M gives me the biggest smile ever every morning after he wakes up and makes my day start with a warm heart. I am truly blessed. I probably just need to focus more on what I have instead of what I am missing. I will try harder. But please forgive me when the time finally comes. I really don't want you to be mad at me...
Dear Michael,
I am just cleaning out the bookmarks on our computer. I came across this one for the capitols game we played together one night. Do you remember how hard it was for me to keep all of those blasted names straight. We did it over and over and you would just laugh at me when I mixed up the same ones every time. My weakness has always been geography. I don't know why I can't keep names and places straight in my head, but you were so much better at it than me. It just brought a smile to my face to think back to sitting on our bed late into the night with you laughing by my side as I tried to do it for the 15th time in a row with little improvement. Moments like that were so perfect. Just hanging out with nothing seriously important to do but spend time together. I love you honey. Wish we could be doing something together tonight...
Love,
Jenny
ps. Just tried it again without you whispering hints in my ear. 44%... ouch... Guess I'm not smarter than a fifth grader after all! lol
Dear Michael,
Happy Birthday! I love you so much. I have a few plans for your birthday and have given special gifts to your family and friends in honor of your memory. I hope you like what I have planned. Its pretty hard to top my gift last year, but I sure tried. I will tell you more about it later. I just wanted to be one of the first to wish you Happy Birthday!
Love,
Jenny
Our friend Carly sent me a sweet video this morning as a birthday gift to you. I love it! She is so wonderful. I loved that day. She was just starting out on her photography adventure and used us for practice. We were both so excited to be having our first baby. What a great time in our life. :) I love you!
Dear Little M,
I am so sorry this past week has been so hard for you. You are such a good baby and I almost never see you unhappy, but this last week you have had three strikes against you. First you got a cold and ended up with a double ear infection. Then with the antibiotics you are on for the ear infection you have gotten terrible diaper rash (your sister was the same way.) And finally you have been cutting a new tooth. Yesterday it finally broke through and you are now the proud owner of two bottom teeth. I hope that the rest of the week will be nicer for you now that it has finally broken through and your ears are on the mend. I love you and am so glad you are my little cuddle bug.
Love,
Mommy
5/4/2011 This picture was taken at Grandma Jonie's. You are snuggling Missy and you can just see your first tooth peeking through your gums. I haven't taken a good picture of your second one yet. I love your sparkly eyes and infectious baby giggles!
You just helped me pick this picture out for this post. :)
Dear Little E,
I went into your bedroom this morning because I had just put Little M back down and it sounded like you were crying. Usually I don't go in to get you until you knock on the door to get my attention. I came in to find you on your slide peeking out the window behind the curtains. All I could see were your cute little legs and your tippy toes that you were standing on to see outside. I heard you singing the cutest little song. It went something like this. "There's a robin. He is sitting on his net (nest). There he goes to feed his babies. So they will catch (hatch.) He is sitting on his eggs."
It was a very cute song. I wish I could have recorded it for you with the tune. It was very sweet. I love you so much! Thank you for always brightening my days.
Love,
Mommy
Dear Michael,
I have been on a huge trip since last Monday and am so excited to upload all the pictures and videos to tell you all about it. It was an amazing trip that was made possible by my great parents who traveled with us in our van "The Gentleman" as I have named it. (I still love that it opens doors for me!)
Anyways, I just wanted to record a quick story that made me laugh out loud today in the car. My dad listened to all kinds of old music on this trip and today he was playing some John Denver. I still love John, especially his Christmas CD with the Muppet's. "Thank God I'm a Country Boy" came on and I had such a fun flash back to our first apartment. Do you remember when I was sleeping in one Saturday and you decided it was time I get my lazy self out of bed? All of a sudden I heard that song blaring on the stereo (you had it set to the chorus) and you came running into the room in your cowboy hat yelling "Yeeehaaa!" at the top of your lungs and jumping on the bed doing the knee high cowboy dance and clapping your hands. I was totally shocked. It was so funny! Although I am pretty sure I was really mad at you for waking me when I was trying to sleep in. I still don't know why that was the way you decided to wake me up that morning but that song will always bring a huge smile to my face. I love you honey. I am so glad you're my country boy.
Love,
Jenny
I have to laugh at this shirt you are wearing. It was one of the shirts I had tried so hard to get rid of because it was falling apart. But you loved it too much and kept wearing it even though it was falling apart. I tried to sew it back up for you with the serger and it just shredded instead. You can't say I didn't try though. :) I also love that you are holding your belt buckle. I wish you could see it in the picture. You loved cool belt buckles and always said they were a guys version of jewelry and one of the few ways you could express your individuality. I am so glad I let you go back and buy that Buddha buckle that you wanted so badly. It made you happy which makes me happy now. I smile every time I see it.
