Dear Michael,
This is a post I have been writing in my head for months now. I am just finally sitting down to write it. I have really been struggling lately with a pendulum swinging back and forth between "I can do this, maybe I will just stay single." and "Why don't I have someone here right now! Maybe I should start dating so I can stop being so lonely."
It is a really hard emotional roller coaster. It doesn't help that you and I used to joke about what I could do if you died. You would say to me, "Jenny, if I die you are NOT aloud to remarry! Ever! However if you died I would have to take a date to the funeral or I wouldn't be able to find it." We would joke about it a bit, but you were actually serious. You really didn't like the idea of me ever being with someone else. And who can blame you? I don't like the idea of me ever being with someone else. It feels too much like cheating... Those conversations where you joked around about this still haunt me. Especially the next part of the joke. And I quote, "Jenny, people are going to say that I would feel differently once I was on the other side. That I'd changed and would just want you to be happy. Well they are lying! You are NOT aloud to remarry!" I can remember the conversations I had within the first couple of weeks after you had died. People did say that to me and each time I pointed at them and said, "He told me you would say that!" It is really disconcerting...
But I hate to telly you honey, I don't think I can do this on my own for the rest of my life. I am too much of a cuddler. I want someone to give my whole self to again. I want someone to just do nothing with while we sit on the couch in the evening and relax once the kids are in bed. My family keeps saying that since you left first you lost your vote, but that is kind of unfair because it wasn't really your choice to leave. Can you tell I am a little confused on this issue. I really don't know how I am ever going to get past those conversations with you and feel like you would be ok with me finding someone new. But I really don't think its fair for Little M to never have a father who was alive in his lifetime. I don't think its fair for Little E to not have a Dad to baptize her when she turns 8 or give her away at her wedding. This whole situation is full of things that just don't seem fair... But I just have to keep telling myself, "It will all work itself out in the end. All things will be for your good."
I guess if I am totally honest with myself I know that the day will come when I decide its time to break that deal with you, (not that I ever really agreed you know...) But I don't know how I will recognize that time when it comes. I have been thinking a lot about the book, "The missing piece meets the big O." One of the reasons I haven't even started opening myself up to the possibility of dating someone is that I know I am still a missing piece. I have always thought it was important to be whole on your own before you make a life with someone else. (The saying "You complete me" has always made my hackles rise!) Its one of the reasons I felt we worked so well together. We where both already whole and didn't need the other to complete ourselves. We could roll together and it made for a great life. But as we lived our life we became one. Then you died and half of my life, my everything was torn from my grasp. It was the most painful experience I have ever gone through. Hopefully the worst thing I will ever go through... I no longer feel like a big O. I am a missing piece. I am trying to learn to roll again, but until I have smoothed off enough of my edges I don't feel like I am ready to date. I wonder if I will ever feel ready. Well, until then I will just keep trying to grow into a stronger person on my own and I will enjoy the wonderful life and relationships I still have. Little E tells me daily that she loves me and cuddles me all the time, although her kisses have been a little wet for my taste lately... Little M gives me the biggest smile ever every morning after he wakes up and makes my day start with a warm heart. I am truly blessed. I probably just need to focus more on what I have instead of what I am missing. I will try harder. But please forgive me when the time finally comes. I really don't want you to be mad at me...
Love,
Jenny
5 comments:
Jenny... what a candid topic to discuss with Michael. While he may not have been joking when he told you he didn't want you to ever remarry, you must do what you know is best for your family now. You are, and will continue to be, guided by the spirit. You will receive the inspiration needed to make the decisions which are necessary for you and your children. In time a special companion will come into your life and help shoulder the responsibilities you now have.... and someday, when all is said and done, Michael will embrace that special someone and thank him for being there to lovingly watch over his family.
You know what I say? Everyone's allowed to be a selfish butt every once in a while, you just can't stay that way, right? How about we three sisters bug him until he makes it right with you? Kristy can leave him admonitory emails, and I will offer well-meaning advice, and Jenn can just break it down and tell him like it is. He can't withstand the power of three! He'll be appearing to you halo in hand in no time!!!
Jenny, my mom died when I was 11. My dad remarried two years later, it wasn't easy, but it was the right thing. We are not meant to be alone.
And I think Michael already won, he has you forever, no matter what, and you have him forever, no matter what.
I think you are so right, things will all work out for the best. Just do what you love to do, be who you want to be, and the right person will just fall into your life, as my dad says.
Keep it up Jenny, you are so amazing, I'm sure Michael is just amazed and proud how amazing you are after this
whole deal. You are in our prayers.
I'm there with Missy. I'll add it to the draft to him I've been saving in my email since September.
Jennie, we support you 100% whenever you are ready to look for someone to share your life with. We will love him to death whenever you find him. You'll know what to do when the time comes. We all love you so much!
Being from the same area as you, I've followed your blog even though we have never met. I believe that when the time is right, not only will it be OK with Michael that you remarry, he will guide you to the right person. He will have a hand in who it is that is helping to raise his children.
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