A great day and some conversations with Little E.

 Dear Michael,

I have some blogging to do to catch up on the last few weeks, but I just can't make myself do it. I have been training hard for the triathlon the last 2 weeks and I am just plain tuckered. I can't make myself upload the pics from the camera so Father's Day and my birthday week will just have to wait until tomorrow or the next day. But I did want to post a couple of interesting things Little E has said to me lately before I forgot them and to tell you about my amazing day so I can look back on a bad day and remember that some days are great!

First, on our way out of the cemetery after visiting you on father's day Little E said something that kind of surprised me. We had a conversation a few nights before where she was pretending to be scared of a monster, and I told her that you had blessed the house so no monsters could come in it. Then we had another conversation where I told her about how you keep her safe and sound even though she can't see you. As we were leaving the cemetery she looked at me and said, "I love my daddy, mommy. He keeps me safe from bad spirits." I was surprised because I can't remember ever using the term "Bad spirits" with her. I have definitely used the word spirits a lot, but that is different. It was very interesting and I am curious where she came up with that idea, and what truth there may be to that simple statement. I know you watch over us, and maybe she is more aware of what you are doing that I am? Who knows. I will say that I don't feel too scared at night most of the time, which still surprises me. I just feel like nothing bad is going to happen and we are safe. I hope part of that feeling is coming from your being there to watch over us.

The other thing she said to me today as she was waking up from her nap. I was pretty excited because she had woken herself up because she needed to use the restroom (instead of wetting the bed! We are definitely making progress here!) But she wasn't really happy about waking up so we just snuggled in my bed. She was quiet and smelled her silky for a while with her eyes closed. I thought she might fall back asleep, but instead she opened her eyes, looked at me and asked, "Mommy, is Daddy alive again now?" It broke my heart to tell her no. I keep trying to help her understand that the resurrection probably won't happen until we have all died. In fact that was another funny thing she said on the way out of the cemetery Sunday. I told her we would probably all die before you lived again, and she said, "Mommy I don't want to die. You can die, Little M can die, and Nana can die. But I am not going to!" I told her that I was just fine with that and had to laugh at how determined she was. I have to admit though, when she asked me if you were alive again now, I had a moment where I hoped she knew something I didn't. Wouldn't that have been a treat to wake up to? But instead I just got to snuggle her and enjoy the golden curls on her head and her beautiful blue eyes peaking over her silky. She really is a treat.

Well, on to recording my great day! We woke up and  I called my friend Tasha to see if she would take the kids for a half an hour while I got in my 6 mile bike ride for my triathlon training. My friend Nathan is now training with me and we are both getting pretty excited about the race. She was sweet enough to take them and we got out about 9am. When I got back I picked the kids up and enjoyed a few minutes of watching Little E play with her friends before we came home. Then I called up my other friends Damen and Aleece to see if they were still up for babysitting while I went to the temple. I haven't been since I went with my nephew Alan in January on the six month anniversary of your death. They came right over and I was able to go and do baptism, confirmation, and initiatory for Ethel my paternal great grandfathers younger sister. She was born in April of 1886. 100 years before I was born. How cool is that? It was a really amazing experience to go through for someone that I had was related to. I can see how getting into family history work could be very rewarding! I am really glad I stuck it out and went because I had driven all the way to the temple without realizing I didn't have my recommend on hand and had to go the extra 40 minutes home and back again. But it felt so wonderful to go and do the work for Ethel and I really hope to go back for her endowment soon.

I was amazed at how good I felt walking out of the temple. I felt so light and carefree. I really think it would make a big difference in my life if I could go more often. I am going to try to make it up at least every other week if possible. That was our goal after we first got married and I think it is a good goal to aim for.

After going to the temple I had to dash home to  pick up Little M and Little E for a doctors apt. Little M has been on antibiotics for yet another ear infection. He was on Azithromycene (how is that spelled?) and developed a rash that needed to be checked out. Then back home to nap time.

After we woke up and had our little conversation in bed I got us all ready to run back to town and took Britteny your cousin out to dinner at the pizza buffet to thank her for babysitting yesterday while I swam. Plus I really wanted to visit with her. Little E had a great time messing with the lights in the booth and stealing bites of my desert pizza. Little M just scarfed his food while flirting with Britteny and blowing razz-berries.

Then it was back home for bedtime because the little boy was very tired! I fed him a bedtime snack while Little E ate an apple in the backyard and chased Trek around. Then I gave them both baths and got the boy to sleep. Little E was being very good and calm so I offered to paint her toenails as a treat (I shouldn't have used that word though because when we were done she thought she was going to get candy too). I have really had a hard time making it to bedtime while still being "nice mommy" lately so it felt amazing to paint her cute nails, read her stories, and say good night to her without losing my temper! I felt like a superhero and was so happy to end the day with a smile on my face. I know it took the help of three of my friends/family to make it through the day, but it turned out to be an AMAZING day. I am so grateful for all the help I am given on a daily basis. I really don't know how I would make it through a week on my own. In fact I am pretty sure I couldn't. You know the saying "It takes a village to raise a child." I would definitely have to agree with it!

I know that was probably a really long and boring post, but I wanted to record for myself what a good day feels like because I am sure they aren't all going to end this well. In fact, most of them wont. I usually end up barely managing to get through stories and prayer with Little E before I go collapse on the couch with my last nerve hanging by a tiny thread, if its intact at all. But  I wouldn't trade my days with these kids for the world. They are my everything and I am so grateful to have them. Thank you so much for blessing me with them honey.
Love,
Jenny

Little E's Sheep Story

Dear Michael,
I haven't had much energy lately to get on here and write. I have been busy this week getting started on my triathlong training. I am doing one on August 20th. Its just a sprint triathlon, but I am really excited about it. Its the one we had planned on doing together this year, but instead I am kind of dedicating it to you and using it to remind myself how strong I can become.

Anyways, there was one really cute story that  I wanted to tell you because it literally had me laughing out loud for several minutes afterward. On Sunday morning last week I gave Little E a green new testament that I had been given while walking around campus. I thought she would like it because of the color and she was very excited to have her own green scriptures. I asked her to read me a story from it and she said ok. She was standing next to the kitchen table and very seriously opened up the book and proceeded to read me this story.

"The Lords sheep say, BAAAAA!" It was so funny because up until the baa she was utterly reverent in her reading and then gave a very legitimate imitation of what sheep sound like. After that she continued with the story saying that Jesus saved the sheep from robbers. She was kind of confused on who did the saving in the story of Ammon and the kings sheep. She really loves reading her scriptures at night. Right now we are reading a flap book of Joseph and she has all of the words under the flaps memorized. She gets mad at me if I say them because she wants to read that part of the book to me. We read it at every bedtime and nap time. She also likes learning a letter before we start and looking for it on the page. Her favorite in that book is the letter r. She has gotten really good at recognizing it. You would be proud. You were so excited when she learned all of her shapes in that ipod game you had downloaded for her. You always enjoyed watching her grow and learn and celebrated every step like it was the first time any child had ever accomplished that task! I love you for that. You were such an amazing father!

I love you honey, I hope this story made you laugh too. I still break out into random giggle fits over it.
Love,
Jenny

Little M's Stats

Dear Michael,

I finally got around to taking Little M to the doctor for his 6 month check up (now that he is 8 months...) I just wanted to record his stats so that I could keep track of them without worrying about the paper getting lost.

May 23rd 8 months old
18.1 lbs 25% Weight
28.5 inches 78% Height
17 inches 10% Head
15.7 BMI

for a comparison here are Little E's 6 and 9 moth stats
Nov 20th 2008- 6 months- 15.8 lbs 47%- Height 27 in 91%- Head 16 in 8%- BMI 15.2
Feb 20th 2009- 9 months- 18 lbs 36%- Height 29.3 in 95%- Head 16.8 in 13%- BMI 14.8

I suspect that boys tend to be taller than girls because even though he is very similar in height to Little E he is in a much lower percentile. He is plenty big enough for me though. He is always always hungry and has really taken to eating solid foods in the past couple of weeks. He LOVES them! He gets so excited if I pull out a bowl and giggles every time I put a little cereal puff in his month for him to chew on. Today he even ate bananas cut up into small pieces.  He really can't seem to get enough and I am almost always the one who cuts him off because I worry he will get a tummy ache if he doesn't stop. lol

One really cute thing that  I wanted to record was a way that you and he are very similar. Remember how whenever you took a sleeping pill you would just start laughing hysterically before falling asleep. I would look at you like you were crazy and you wouldn't be able to help it. You would just laugh at nothing until you practically passed out. Little M is the same way. Sometimes I will have him in the wrap and be trying so hard to get him to sleep, right when I think he is finally ready he just starts laughing at nothing! Tonight I had him almost asleep before bed and was trying to keep him a little awake so I could put him down drowsy but not asleep, when I would jostle him he would start laughing and laughing. He really is so much like you. :) I am sure you are just so proud of you (not so) little boy!

Love,
Jenny

Memorial Day Weekend

Dear Michael,
We went out to visit you yesterday and to clean your monument. I know it has only been in a little while, but I also know that if I clean it frequently it will stay looking nice a lot longer. I want it to look nice and it was really bugging me to see bird poop on something I had worked so hard to make! :) Anyways, we went out there and Little E and Little M stayed in the car for the most part because it was so cold. Little E did get out of the car and for a minute and told you that she loved you and got mad at me when I was standing on your grave, "Get off my dad!!" it was kind of funny. She also told some passersby that you had died but that it was ok. She likes to tell random people about it, I think its one of her ways of working through it and understanding it more.

I had never been to a cemetery on memorial day before this. I never had any relatives in one near enough to visit. It was really a sight to see. There were so many people there celebrating their loved ones with flowers, flags, and anything else you could think of. I just missed your sister visiting you and today I ran into my brother who had come out to visit you and Grandma P. His son bought you a sword, how cool is that? I really wish I could have spent a little more time with you this weekend, but it was raining the whole time and when it wasn't actually raining it was windy and nasty. I am really looking forward to spending some quality time out there when we finally get some summer like weather.

I hope you have had a great memorial day weekend. I have never truly understood the sacrifice that people have made on my behalf until know. I am so grateful for those families that are willing to go through the pain of losing a father, husband, brother, or son so that my children and I can enjoy our freedom. Please thank those wonderful men for thier selfless sacrifice for me.

Love,
Jenny

My Little Sleep Talker

Dear Michael,
I haven't gotten the post finished about my trip up to Canada and to visit your parents, but I wanted to share a little gem from our trip. This is a video I took at your mom's house of Little M sleep talking. He does it a lot! He can sometimes go on for over and hour. This is the reason I can't understand how people can sleep in the same room as their babies, I had a hard time sleeping on the same level of the house! Seriously, we could hear it clear in your Mom's food storage room upstairs and on the opposite side of the house. I had to mess with the video a little to make it so you could see his face, so its really grainy, but I love it! I have been trying to get a good video of this for months. :)
Love,
Jenny

An email for the Nephews.

Dear Michael,

Today is yet another rainy day (no surprise, last memorial day weekend it snowed!) I would have gone to church but Little E has yet another eye infection (Little M had it last weekend) so we all stayed home and lounged around in our pj's all morning. It has actually been a pretty nice morning. We watched 2 episodes of Sesame street together while Little M munched on his jumper and I cleaned out my junk email account. I was putting things into my junk folder and saw a folder titled "From Husband". This was my email address that I had until we had Little E and I was pretty excited to read through some of our old emails to each other. I decided to share this one with your sisters because it just shows how much you loved all of your nieces and nephews. Plus I thought your nephews would like a reminder of how much fun you had together that week.

You truly loved all of your family, but your nieces and nephews held such a special place in your heart.

• Re: Hey there Friend‏

What's up witchy woman (meant in a you are so beguiling kind of good way),

           I was just thinking about writing you.  I just got home from Hitchhikers guide to the Galaxy.  It was great   I really like how they did it.   I must admit that they did stray from the path a bit,  but good all the same.  I've had a great time up here.  my parents left for Seattle the day after I got here so I've had the house all to myself for a better part of the week.  I know it's sounds a bit lonely, but after the hustle and bustle of college life it has been really nice.  I got to go play golf in with my three year old nephew and play space pirate with the others using the bed of my truck as my Neptune (the name of our fearsome pirate ship)  then we slept in their tree house and watched jimmy neutron on my game boy until late at night. yep good times!  I got a little something for you while I was here.  I was out and thought of you so I got it.  I hope you like it. I hope you continue to have a great time!

                                                           , michael

Teaching the boys how to dual the right way!

Written 4/30/05. That was right after we had started dating. We weren't officially boyfriend and girlfriend yet. But we had spent the better part of the last 2 weeks of the semester together and both really really liked each other.  Sadly, I can't remember what the gift was that you bought for me. Maybe you showed it off to your sister and she remembers? Hopefully it will come back to me in time. I can't tell you how often I wish I had kept more of a journal during our time together. I am trying very hard to keep a better record now, but it doesn't help with what is past.

Thank you so much honey for writing me that day. I remember being pretty giddy when I got your email. I think this may have been the email I got and called my mom into the office to ask her how the heck to pronounce your last name. We were both at a loss and  I was so embarrassed that I didn't already know it after being FHE brother and sister for a semester and dating for two weeks! Its funny how almost no one can pronounce it right the first time.

I love you honey, I hope you are having a wonderful sabbath day too.
Love,
Jenny

PS. I just found another one where you sent me pictures of what some of your nephews looked like. I can't beleive how little they were back then!

Little E's Birthday. 3 Years Old!!!

Dear Michael,

I can't beleive it, our little girl is 3 years old! How crazy is that? She is turning into such a fun little person. I feel badly because a lot of the time I just don't have enough energy/patience to make life as fun as it should be for her. You would have had such a blast playing with her in the back yard, or splashing in puddles outside during our insanely wet spring we have had. But we are doing our best and for the most part I think we are having a pretty great time. Her birthday was epic! Everyone had such a great time and it couldn't have been more perfect. :) We did a dinosaur train themed party and we were totally helped out by some really amazing neighbors. We actually got to ride a real train! I will tell you more about it in a second.  I think the best way to tell you about it is with picture! So I will just follow the day with these pictures and try not to miss anything.

 Little E woke up and was so excited because her cousins had come to stay the night with us. Grandma P passed away a week and a half before and we were having her funeral in the morning. While that may sound like a crummy way to start a birthday it actually ended up making this one of her best birthdays yet! All of her cousins from my side of the family got to be here for it. It was like a family reunion! Her aunt Lori bought her Dinosaur Egg oatmeal for breakfast and she had a great time watching the eggs "Catch" (hatch) while she ate them. It was so fun to watch her searching for the different colored dinosaurs in the bowl. After breakfast the adults went to the memorial service (which was beautiful!) and she got to play with the young cousins and a few family friends. They had a great time playing in the basement and she had so much fun getting to spend time with her cousin that moved to California. They have really missed each other and were so excited to be back together.

After the memorial service we zipped over and grabbed the kids to go out to "Daddy's place" and say goodbye to "Grandma Fishy" as Little E fondly called her. She had a great time running around and looking at all the headstones. Plus she got to keep one of the yellow roses and brought it home to put it in some water. I was really impressed with how well she handled the whole thing. She waved goodbye to grandma and at one point she even ran up to the casket and gave it a big kiss goodbye. It was so sweet. She really did love her great grandma. As grandma said, Little E always had a smile for her when we came to visit.

We had lunch at the church afterward and she got to eat with Uncle Kevin and had a big cup of ice cream! She was in heaven having Kevin focus on her. I think she may have a little bit of a crush! lol She can't get enough of him and often pretends to be Kevin and I am Laura while we play at home. Its pretty cute.

After lunch we went home for a late nap. I had to wake her up less than an hour later to make it to the party on time. (we were still a half hour late because I needed a memory card to take pictures and couldn't find it etc. I can never seem to make it to things on time anymore...) I actually got her half dressed in her party clothes before she even woke up! She was so exhausted from playing with everyone but once we got to the main birthday party she was too excited to feel her exhaustion anymore. Like I said earlier, her party was all about TRAINS! We got to go to one of my parents neighbors houses for an amazing ride on their "baby train". I actually remember driving past the tracks on the way to school as a kid and wishing so baddly to be able to ride on the train. But I never got the chance until now. Let me tell you, it was worth the wait! It was so much fun even the adults were all giddy!

Since Little E was the guest of honor she got to ride right behind the engineer, and that grin never left her face! After the first go around her cousin tried to move, but Little E grabbed her from behind and said "No, sit down R.! We are going again! You sit here!" it was really funny. She wanted her best friend right there by her side.

R's Dad was "The conductor." I found that dinosaur hat at the dollar store and it was perfect for our party. He kept calling from the back "Time tunnel, Time tunnel approaching." and then he would add some flair with "On your right is the T-Rex feeding ground. Keep your hands inside!" lol It was awesome.

The whole gang! I have to say, it is so wonderful that we have gotten family pictures so frequently lately. They are so important to me now. They warm my heart!

The last ride we went on Little E rode in the caboose. She was pretty darn excited! Seriously, this was probably one of the best days she has ever had! lol

There was a little tunnel in a building we went through and every time we would go in the driver would honk the horn which was really loud. Little E was a little nervous about this part and would always cover her ears when we got close to the to.

The tunnel is coming! Look out! She was so stinking cute. :)

On to the next great adventure!

She was so excited to get to sit in the drivers seat!

What an angel. I can't believe it has been three years since this precious girl came into my life!

The whole train next to the platform.

R playing in the caboose, she was the perfect model.

But there is more than a little monkey in her too!

Uncle Kevin pushing her on the swings after the ride.

Little E had watermelon in honor of her first birthday when she inhaled a huge piece of it like it was ambrosia!

Can you beleive how much she has grown! I couldn't beleive it when she ate that entire piece down to the rind! She loved every bite. :) Crazy how I thought she was such a big girl then.

Her birthday cake this year. I really have wanted to make a tradition where I made cool cakes for our kids birthdays, but it just couldn't happen this year with the funeral and all the family in town. So instead I found a toy that I knew she would like and told them exactly what I wanted. :) It was still a completely unique cake even if I didn't make it. I think it turned out really cute and she loved that it was her favorite color, Green!

Who doesn't love birthday cake?

Showing off her green frosting. She gives me this look all the time, its her "I am pretending to be shy but really I want ALL of your attention" look. She does it a lot when we are out in public and someone tried to flirt with her. lol

After the cake and candles we opened birthday presents. She got so many wonderful gifts this year and has had a great week enjoying all of her new goodies. This morning I caught her trying to wear the little doggy in a purse that Grandma and Grandpa M gave her as a backpack. She was getting ready to go on a trip. She also had the purse Caroline gave her over one arm and the inner tube  I gave her on like a tutu. She was all dressed up and ready to hit the town! Its funny to see how creative kids can be with things and how much joy they can get out of a birthday gift over the years. Thank you to everyone who came and made her birthday truly special!

It was really was an amazing birthday and I am pretty sure you were right there celebrating with us. I bet you even sang Happy Birthday right next to your little girl and helped her blow out the candle. Thank you for being such an great daddy to our wonderful little 3 year old! Happy Birthday Little E! You're Three! Yipee!!

Love,
Jenny