Goodbye Collage Avenue

Dear Michael,

I had an interesting day last Tuesday. I woke up and decided to read my scriptures at the beginning of the day instead of before bed. I didn't know why, but it just felt right. While I read I had such a feeling of peace. I found myself thinking, "God is in control. He has helped me to be happy in spite of so many reasons to be sad. He has helped me focus on the good things in my life. I know I have a long way to go, but with his help I will be able to handle the bad things that are coming too." Then I got up and went about my day.

I have been training for a triathlon. Tuesdays workout was a swim, so I headed to town so I could use the pool. This pool is located a block away from the street that we lived on when we started dating. I love driving past that street. It has so many happy memories. Sometimes when I really miss you I would stop and go into the entry way of your old apt to just smell the air and remember. Its not a pleasant smell, that complex stank! But it always helped me to remember those happy times. :)

When I drove by Tuesday morning, the whole place was gone... demolished... just a hole in the ground. I had known this was coming. I got warning almost a year ago and took time to go take pictures and videos of our apartments and the street. Still, when I saw that it had actually happened, it took my breath away. I can't believe how quickly things can just be gone. Less than 3 days earlier everything was still there.

I sat there in shock for a moment, shed a few small tears, and then moved on with my day. I swam the fastest half mile of my life (18 mins. Its amazing how much of a motivator anger and grief can be in a workout.) I drove past Collage Ave again on my way home and snapped a couple of pictures. Then I went back to my normal life. I made a conscious decision to let it go and just be happy with the day. I thought back to the feelings of peace I'd had that morning and realized that God had known what was coming and was trying to prepare me for it. More than anything I just felt grateful. I know that this would have taken me out if it had happened last summer. I wouldn't have been able to handle it. I needed to be able to find shelter there, in the empty parking lot or hallway. It was important that I was able to go to Collage Avenue while I grieved. It was important that I got to take pictures and show Little E around where we used to live. I needed that, and Heavenly Father made sure I got it.

A picture my friend Carly took of us in front of 105. I am so grateful she took the time.

I am constantly amazed with how my grieving has changed over the last year. I cry very infrequently, usually only when something you did or loved gets damaged by one of the kids. That takes me out in a way that often surprises Little E and worries her. Luckily it happens very rarely. The rest of the time I usually just sigh and move on. When people ask how I am doing I say, "Good, its turning into a sighing grief instead of a sobbing grief." I am grateful for the change. Crying gives me a headache. Although sometimes it brings a lot of relief and helps me feel less stressed. I guess its just a balancing act.

I will miss Collage Avenue. It was such a great place for us. But I am so grateful for the memories, pictures, and stories I get to keep forever.

Love,
Jenny

This stump was the tree right next to my house. On one of our first dates we climbed this tree and ate popsicles together. It was hard to see this cut down too, but that was a long time ago. 

This was 105, the house I lived in.

Yup, just a big hole now.

This is right across the street. It was the boys apt complex where Michael lived.

A page of quotes Michael loved.

I am finally going through my office and trying to sort out all of the paperwork. Its hard to decide what to keep, what to throw away, and what to give to others. I often feel like a treasure hunter when I do projects like this. I never know when a paper will pop up that has something to do with Michael. I found this list of quotes. I think he was preparing for a talk in church and just started compiling all of the quotes that spoke to him. The stared one is what he chose to use. He had a little mark next to it to remind himself. :) I decided that this would be the best way to preserve the list without having to keep that one sheet of paper from getting lost again. Reading these quotes made me laugh a lot. Some of them are very him.


"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, ad intellect has intended us to forgo their use." Galileo Galilei

"The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work." Emile Zola (1840-1902)

"Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems." Rene Descartes (1596-1650), "Doscours de la Methode"

"In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends." Martin Luther King Jr. (1929-1968)

"Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right." Henry Ford (1863-1947)

"I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves." Ludwig Wittgenstein (1889-1951)

"Problems worthy of attack prove their worth by fighting back." Paul Erdos (1913-1996)

"Dancing is silent poetry." Simonides (556-468bc)

"The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad." Salvador Dali (1904-1989)

"Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws." Plato (427-347 B.C.)

"Everybody pities the weak; jealousy you have to earn." Arnold Schwarzenegger (1947-)

"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake." Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)

"The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved'- the pig was 'committed'." -unknown

"If you are going through hell, keep going." Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

"He who has a 'why' to live, can bear with almost any 'how'." Friedrich Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh." Voltaire (1694-1778)

"I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter." Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

"Facts are the enemy of truth." Don Quixote- "Man of La Mancha"

"When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world." George Washington Carver (1864-1943)

"How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself." Anais Nin (1903-1977)

"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." Thomas Alva Edison (1847-1931) 

"Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth." Sherlock Holmes (by Sir Aurthur Conan Doyle, 1859-1930)

"Black holes are where God divided by zero." Steven Wright

"I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it." Groucho Marx (1895-1977)

"You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it." Gilbert Deith Chesterton (1874-1936)

"An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered." Gilbert Keith Chesterton (1874-1955)

"There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life." Frank Zappa

"Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working." Albert Giacometti (sculptor)

"Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away." Antoine de Saint Exupery

"Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome." Isaac Asimov

* "If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe." Carl Sagan

"It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts." G.B. Burgin

"Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens." Jimi Hendrix

"A clever man commits no minor blunders." Goethe (1749-1832)

"Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours." Richard Bach

"Sleep is an excellent way of listening to an opera." James Stephens (1882-1950)

"It was the experience of mystery- even if mixed with fear- that engendered religion." Albert Einstein (1870-1955)

"When you gaze long into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you." Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)

"Success usually comes to those who are too busy to e looking for it." Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)

"While we are postponing, life speeds by." Seneca (3BC-65AD)

"Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?" Bumper Sticker

"Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches." The Duchess of Windsor, when asked what is the secret of a long and happy life. 

"The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows." Aristotle Onassis (1906-1975)

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has no heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains." Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience." W.B. Prescott

"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one." Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

Happy 33rd Birthday Daddy!

Michael, today turned out much better than I had planned. In fact I think it turned out so well because most of it wasn't planned. :) I like to do a service gift on hard days to try to distract myself from grieving. It makes it easier when I don't just sit and think "Why me." In the past I have done things for your family because I felt like they really needed it. Today I decided that I really needed to do something for Little E. I made a digital photo album of all the pictures I have of you and her together. I was surprised by how few there really were, but I am grateful for every one we have. I got them printed and will be putting them in an album for her birthday. But this afternoon I made a video of them with music. She loved it. :) I had picked out the second song "I love you alway forever" months ago, but I needed 2 songs and couldn't think of what to use for the other one. On the way home to make the movie, I was playing the Ipod on shuffle. "Till kingdom come" by coldplay came on and I realized it was the perfect song! The two went so well together. It was almost like they made a duet, one sung by you, the other by Little E. Anyways, in that moment I felt you today. It was a little thing, but just what I needed to make it through another though day. Thank you for that!

After Little E got out of preschool we went out to eat (I had sushi just for you.) and then had Dibs ice cream bites at Daddy's place and sang Happy birthday to you. I finished off the night with an episode of Dollhouse. My friend Ashley is helping me to finish the series. I never thought I would watch it all because we never made it to the end. I will let you know the ending. ;)

Happy Birthday Daddy! Thank you for always celebrating ours with a bang, I hope you approve of what we did for yours.

Love,
Jenny

To watch the video you may have to go to it on Youtube. It seems to be having trouble playing on the blog. Just click the little youtube button in the bottom right corner.

Mountains In The Distance

Tonight as I drove home I saw a beautiful sight. It was a golden sunset with vivid purple mountains below it. As I looked at those mountains they got me thinking. Eternity is like those mountains. During the day, I almost never notice them. They are visible in the distance, but not very clearly. They definitely don't draw much attention. But when the end of the day draws near, and the sun sets behind them they become beautifully clear. They have such detail and I would look at them for hours if I could, although the sun sets quickly and I only glimpse them for a short moment.

Now that I have painted that picture for you, allow me to explain how they are like Eternity. Eternity is always there, if we focus on it we will see it brightly in our future. But most of the time our everyday lives get in the way and we just don't notice. However, as we enter the sunset of our lives, it becomes our focus.

Now I want to paint a new picture for you. Michael proposed to me on top of R mountain, it is a Butte that overlooks this same mountain range. At the time there was a thunderstorm raging in the distance. I could see the lightning flash behind those mountains and focused on the storm as Michael fumbled clumsily behind me trying to get the ring out of its plastic and into the box to propose. Now when I think back to that storm, I realize that it is very much like grief. It was turbulent, powerful, and dark. However, it helped me to see those mountains just as well as the beautiful sunset, at times maybe even more clearly. Grief brings eternity into focus in a way that nothing else can. I am often grateful for the way that this experience has changed my life. The ways it has forced me to focus on what is truly important.

This beautiful photo shows both the mountain range as I saw it tonight and R Mountain on the left of the Temple. To see it larger please visit Flicker.  

Decision making

As you have probably noticed I haven't been blogging much lately. One of my goals for this winter has been to get my life in order. That includes organizing our home (I am nearly through with the first floor and will soon move into the basement where my real work will begin). I also want to organize all of our family photos with stories. So instead of blogging here I started a private blog and have slowly tried to keep up with what we are currently doing while working backwards through our photos. It is a long and time consuming process. I was considering letting this blog go because I haven't felt like there was time to keep it up while working on the other projects too. But I looked today and it seems like there are still a lot of people looking at my blog. I was wondering who you were and if you wanted me to continue blogging here, even if they are only short posts. I am not sure if this blog has been helpful to others. Maybe it is just family and friends looking here, in which case I can just keep them up to date on facebook. Maybe its just people who randomly found my blog, look at it once, and never come back. But if there are people who actually care to have me continue, just let me know and I will try. If this blog is helping others it is worth the effort. If not, I will continue to work on my goals and maybe come back to this blog in the summer when I have gotten through more of our past stories.
Thanks,
Jenny

Family Newsletter 2011

Happy Holidays. This year we did our newsletter through email. But I managed to get a screen shot of it and will add the newsletter below. We hope this Holiday Season brought all of you joy and wonderful memories.

Dear Friends and Family,

What an amazing year 2011 has been. I honestly feel like the whole year has been on fast forward. We have had so many wonderful experiences. In the beginning of the year we were blessed to have my nephew Alan live with us. It was wonderful to hang out with him. He has always been so much fun to be around and it was great to see the amazing person he is becoming. He is currently serving an LDS mission in Italy and I couldn’t be more proud.

I have been able to attend 2 LDS widows conferences in Bountiful, UT this year. The people I have met there have had a vast impact on how I perceive the world that I have found myself living in. I enjoyed some very choice experiences there and am very grateful for the wonderful people that put their heart and souls into making such a supportive group.

One of the things I have discovered this year is that I LOVE reorganizing and redoing the rooms in our home.  At first I felt like I couldn’t move or touch anything because I couldn’t face the idea of change, but now I find myself loving every picture I put up, and whenever I become more organized our home runs more smoothly and I end up a happier mommy. It has been very therapeutic for me every time I have made something my own.

This summer was filled with family and fun. In May we were able to take a trip with my parents to visit lots of family and friends.  (Uncle Bob, Grandma and Grandpa Hamilton, Grannie Annie,  Missy, Grandma and Grandpa M, and the Carlson’s.) We were also able to visit the place where Michael passed away for the first time. It is beautiful there and I felt such peace. I am sure that he is happy and content with how Heavenly Father planned this, and that brings me peace too.  The whole trip was filled to the brim with amazing people and places and I am so grateful that my parents helped us to go so we could visit everyone.

When we came home we were able to celebrate Michael’s birthday by having his new monument stone delivered. It turned out perfectly and I am very happy to have something at “daddy’s place” for the children to look for and recognize. Little E loves visiting and often gives his picture a kiss. She is such a sweet and tender girl.

We had a lot of work and fun in our yard this year. We had a beautiful garden that gave us more than we could use. Little E was just talking about how she wants to grow tomatoes again next summer. She was a great little helper in the garden, and Little M was pretty patient with me while I had him sit in the stroller as I weeded.

We were lucky enough to get a new sprinkler system installed this year! I am so happy to not have to pull hoses anymore while watching my lawn die a slow yellow death. Yay!

At the end of the summer we were able to attend the K family reunion. It was such a blast! I loved getting to spend time with some of the family that I hadn’t really ever known before. The talent show was pretty amazing too. But my favorite part was jamming on the guitar with my nephew Dainon. I am definitely going to have to learn more songs so we can play together next time we see each other.

The highlight of the summer for me was doing my first ever Sprint Triathlon. I did the Rush with my sister in law Jen. It was a very difficult course, but I was able to finish without ever having to stop and walk. It was so amazing to work for something for months and be able to reach my goal. I think I may be hooked. Next year I think I will invest in a road bike though. That hill was a beast on a mountain bike!

Fall and winter have gone by very quickly. Three of my siblings moved closer to home and we have had a wonderful time getting to play with all of them. We had a great Halloween where we dressed up as a family. Little E was a kitty, Little M was a doggy, and I was an animal control officer. I thought it was fitting. :)
Thanksgiving was spent at my brothers new home. It was a lot of fun to go somewhere new this year. Christmas this year looks like it will be filled to the very brim with family fun! I can’t wait to see Little E and Little M’s faces on Christmas morning. It is so great to have kids during the holidays. They make it so magical.

Updates on The Kids.

Little E has had many growing experiences this year. On valentines day I asked her what she wanted to do and she asked to go to a farm and milk a cow. So that’s what we did. It was her first experience with live cows and chickens and she had a great time. She still talks about going to the farm to see the animals. She also had her first ever hair cut this March and still tells people that she just got a hair cut. Its pretty funny how certain things excite her and stay with her.

In April she had a run in with a corner and enjoyed her first ER visit where they glued her forehead back together. She was a champ and stayed very still for the doctor.

In May she turned 3 years old and we had a big birthday party that was Dinosaur Train themed. Her Great Grandma Phyllis had just passed away, and we had all of our family home for the funeral which made for a fun cousin filled party. We got to ride on a mini train and everyone loved it, especially Little E!

She has really matured this year. She is fully potty trained, learned how to ride a running bike, and started preschool. She loves going to school and often writes letters for me. She knows a lot of them and even knows how to sign them. She is working on writing her own name right now. Her favorite toys right now are eggs, even the rocks she finds outside become a part of her vast egg collection. She has become my little helper and I don’t know what I would do without her.

Little M has changed so much this year! He went from not even being able to sit up on his own to running around the living room. He got to have his first ER visit this year too when he swallowed a bead decoration from my cell phone. We just x-rayed him to make sure everything was fine while he flirted with the nurses.

He has learned several signs including doggy, milk, all done, more, drink, eat, book, and fishy. He is very good at communicating what he needs and is a self entertainer. One of his favorite pastimes is sitting in his sisters closet and looking through all of her books. He also loves to stand at the top of the stairs and shake the gate like king kong. He has grown so big during this year that he can see over the top of the table and has just learned how to open my closet doors. As my mom often says “In’t he HUGE!”  He had a really fun experience this summer where he got to sit in a Ferrari, and he is definitely all boy. He was grinning from ear to ear and grabbing onto the steering wheel or any other part of the car he could reach.

He turned a year in September and we had a ball themed party for him. He thought the cake was awesome and had a great time playing with his cousins and all of the fun toys they got him. He absolutely loves his family. He enjoys pestering his younger cousin and can’t get enough of Papa (my Dad). He will throw a fit if Papa walks in the room and doesn’t pay enough attention to him. My dad has affectionately nicknamed him “Toad” and he loves it. He also adores his sister who can keep him happy and entertained when everything I try has failed. They are such wonderful companions to each other and I am so grateful for both of them.

We hope that you are all having an amazing Holiday Season and look forward to another great year with all of you in our lives.

Merry Christmas!
Jenny, Little E, and Little M

Little M walking, And he's off!

November 1st Little M learned how to walk for more than just 2 to 4 steps at a time! He just decided it was going to be fun to walk all the way across our living room and did it. He spent all evening walking back and forth from one couch to the other. Since then walking has been something that he constantly practices and before long I am pretty sure I won't be able to keep up with him. What a fun stage this has been, especially with big sister cheering him on. She is constantly updating me on his progress. "Mom! He's walking! Now he's not. Now he's walking again!" She can't wait for him to be able to play duck duck goose and tag with her. They sure do love each other.