Final Post

 I'm guessing that no one reads this blog anymore. It hasn't been active for years. I have been slowly working on doing projects that have been waiting for years to be done. One such project is printing books for myself and all my children of our blog. It is very much like a family journal for all the years I did it. I just wanted to wrap it up with a nice post of how far we have come in the past several years and what a beautiful place we are at now. Life isn't always easy, grief never dies, but it is still wonderful and filled with many joyful moments. 

In 2010 I began swing dancing again as a way to make some friends and feel a little more normal. Most of the time I pretended to be a regular collage student like everyone else on the campus where I danced, but three men asked enough questions to find out my real story. One of those men was Glen E. Over the next 5 years we had an interesting friendship and courtship. We were married in March of 2015. I find it crazy to think about the fact that I have now been married to him longer than I was to Michael. 

Since we were married we have had 2 beautiful children and many amazing adventures. I am so grateful that Glen is such a good listener and so understanding. He doesn't mind me talking about Michael and telling the kids stories about him. Pictures of Michael are up on our walls still. He even told me once about a dream he had where he and Michael hung out and said "He is a cool guy. I would love to be friends with him." I still don't understand how my relationships will work out in the eternities and it sometimes frustrates me to not know or understand the plan, but life once again gets in the way of those worries. There are always kids to love, trips to plan, and fun moments to share with Glen and the rest of my family. I am so grateful for how far we have come and that grief has taken a back seat in my life. I am in love with all of my kids and am so happy with the family and home we have made. If anyone does still read this blog and was wondering how our family was,  just know that we are very very happy and look forward to many more adventures to come. Here are a few pictures from our biggest milestones and our most recent family photos. The children have really grown up! I can't wait to see what they become in the future.

May your families be blessed with joy and hope for the future.

Love,

Jenny

Engaged Dec 2014

Married March 2015

Little A Born June 2016

Little J born Sept 2018

Family Pictures 2020

M is 10

J is 2

A is 4

L is 12

Joy

Wow, it has been such a long time since I have posted on here. I have mainly switched over to keeping my family updated on facebook because its so much easier. But I wanted to take a moment and let the blogging world know how we are doing. 

Things are going really well in our home. We have so much hlep from friends, family, and our ward. I am so grateful for all of the love and support shown to us every day.

I remember watching my daughter play outside right after Michael passed away. I watched her through the window while I was buried in paperwork for his funeral. I cried as she laughed and played in the grass. I smiled through the tears, and had the distinct thought that there would never be a moment of joy in my life that wasn't going to be tainted with this grief. There would always be a stain on my good days because he wasn't part of them. How wrong I was! I can't express my gratitude to be proven wrong. I laugh every day! I haven't cried in a very long time. This has become my normal and I am able to find all kinds of joy in it. I don't want to share that with you to brag. I am sharing it to give others hope. I don't know if people are reading this because they are starting out on a similar journey, or if they know someone else who is. But things get so much better. Life can be full of happiness. Just have faith and you will find it again someday.

I can't tell you how much joy these two little bugs bring me. :)

Family Picture, Fall 2012

Goodbye Collage Avenue

Dear Michael,

I had an interesting day last Tuesday. I woke up and decided to read my scriptures at the beginning of the day instead of before bed. I didn't know why, but it just felt right. While I read I had such a feeling of peace. I found myself thinking, "God is in control. He has helped me to be happy in spite of so many reasons to be sad. He has helped me focus on the good things in my life. I know I have a long way to go, but with his help I will be able to handle the bad things that are coming too." Then I got up and went about my day.

I have been training for a triathlon. Tuesdays workout was a swim, so I headed to town so I could use the pool. This pool is located a block away from the street that we lived on when we started dating. I love driving past that street. It has so many happy memories. Sometimes when I really miss you I would stop and go into the entry way of your old apt to just smell the air and remember. Its not a pleasant smell, that complex stank! But it always helped me to remember those happy times. :)

When I drove by Tuesday morning, the whole place was gone... demolished... just a hole in the ground. I had known this was coming. I got warning almost a year ago and took time to go take pictures and videos of our apartments and the street. Still, when I saw that it had actually happened, it took my breath away. I can't believe how quickly things can just be gone. Less than 3 days earlier everything was still there.

I sat there in shock for a moment, shed a few small tears, and then moved on with my day. I swam the fastest half mile of my life (18 mins. Its amazing how much of a motivator anger and grief can be in a workout.) I drove past Collage Ave again on my way home and snapped a couple of pictures. Then I went back to my normal life. I made a conscious decision to let it go and just be happy with the day. I thought back to the feelings of peace I'd had that morning and realized that God had known what was coming and was trying to prepare me for it. More than anything I just felt grateful. I know that this would have taken me out if it had happened last summer. I wouldn't have been able to handle it. I needed to be able to find shelter there, in the empty parking lot or hallway. It was important that I was able to go to Collage Avenue while I grieved. It was important that I got to take pictures and show Little E around where we used to live. I needed that, and Heavenly Father made sure I got it.

A picture my friend Carly took of us in front of 105. I am so grateful she took the time.

I am constantly amazed with how my grieving has changed over the last year. I cry very infrequently, usually only when something you did or loved gets damaged by one of the kids. That takes me out in a way that often surprises Little E and worries her. Luckily it happens very rarely. The rest of the time I usually just sigh and move on. When people ask how I am doing I say, "Good, its turning into a sighing grief instead of a sobbing grief." I am grateful for the change. Crying gives me a headache. Although sometimes it brings a lot of relief and helps me feel less stressed. I guess its just a balancing act.

I will miss Collage Avenue. It was such a great place for us. But I am so grateful for the memories, pictures, and stories I get to keep forever.

Love,
Jenny

This stump was the tree right next to my house. On one of our first dates we climbed this tree and ate popsicles together. It was hard to see this cut down too, but that was a long time ago. 

This was 105, the house I lived in.

Yup, just a big hole now.

This is right across the street. It was the boys apt complex where Michael lived.

A page of quotes Michael loved.

I am finally going through my office and trying to sort out all of the paperwork. Its hard to decide what to keep, what to throw away, and what to give to others. I often feel like a treasure hunter when I do projects like this. I never know when a paper will pop up that has something to do with Michael. I found this list of quotes. I think he was preparing for a talk in church and just started compiling all of the quotes that spoke to him. The stared one is what he chose to use. He had a little mark next to it to remind himself. :) I decided that this would be the best way to preserve the list without having to keep that one sheet of paper from getting lost again. Reading these quotes made me laugh a lot. Some of them are very him.


"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, ad intellect has intended us to forgo their use." Galileo Galilei

"The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work." Emile Zola (1840-1902)

"Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems." Rene Descartes (1596-1650), "Doscours de la Methode"

"In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends." Martin Luther King Jr. (1929-1968)

"Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right." Henry Ford (1863-1947)

"I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves." Ludwig Wittgenstein (1889-1951)

"Problems worthy of attack prove their worth by fighting back." Paul Erdos (1913-1996)

"Dancing is silent poetry." Simonides (556-468bc)

"The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad." Salvador Dali (1904-1989)

"Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws." Plato (427-347 B.C.)

"Everybody pities the weak; jealousy you have to earn." Arnold Schwarzenegger (1947-)

"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake." Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)

"The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved'- the pig was 'committed'." -unknown

"If you are going through hell, keep going." Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

"He who has a 'why' to live, can bear with almost any 'how'." Friedrich Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh." Voltaire (1694-1778)

"I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter." Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

"Facts are the enemy of truth." Don Quixote- "Man of La Mancha"

"When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world." George Washington Carver (1864-1943)

"How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself." Anais Nin (1903-1977)

"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." Thomas Alva Edison (1847-1931) 

"Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth." Sherlock Holmes (by Sir Aurthur Conan Doyle, 1859-1930)

"Black holes are where God divided by zero." Steven Wright

"I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it." Groucho Marx (1895-1977)

"You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it." Gilbert Deith Chesterton (1874-1936)

"An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered." Gilbert Keith Chesterton (1874-1955)

"There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life." Frank Zappa

"Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working." Albert Giacometti (sculptor)

"Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away." Antoine de Saint Exupery

"Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome." Isaac Asimov

* "If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe." Carl Sagan

"It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts." G.B. Burgin

"Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens." Jimi Hendrix

"A clever man commits no minor blunders." Goethe (1749-1832)

"Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours." Richard Bach

"Sleep is an excellent way of listening to an opera." James Stephens (1882-1950)

"It was the experience of mystery- even if mixed with fear- that engendered religion." Albert Einstein (1870-1955)

"When you gaze long into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you." Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)

"Success usually comes to those who are too busy to e looking for it." Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)

"While we are postponing, life speeds by." Seneca (3BC-65AD)

"Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?" Bumper Sticker

"Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches." The Duchess of Windsor, when asked what is the secret of a long and happy life. 

"The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows." Aristotle Onassis (1906-1975)

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has no heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains." Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience." W.B. Prescott

"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one." Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

Happy 33rd Birthday Daddy!

Michael, today turned out much better than I had planned. In fact I think it turned out so well because most of it wasn't planned. :) I like to do a service gift on hard days to try to distract myself from grieving. It makes it easier when I don't just sit and think "Why me." In the past I have done things for your family because I felt like they really needed it. Today I decided that I really needed to do something for Little E. I made a digital photo album of all the pictures I have of you and her together. I was surprised by how few there really were, but I am grateful for every one we have. I got them printed and will be putting them in an album for her birthday. But this afternoon I made a video of them with music. She loved it. :) I had picked out the second song "I love you alway forever" months ago, but I needed 2 songs and couldn't think of what to use for the other one. On the way home to make the movie, I was playing the Ipod on shuffle. "Till kingdom come" by coldplay came on and I realized it was the perfect song! The two went so well together. It was almost like they made a duet, one sung by you, the other by Little E. Anyways, in that moment I felt you today. It was a little thing, but just what I needed to make it through another though day. Thank you for that!

After Little E got out of preschool we went out to eat (I had sushi just for you.) and then had Dibs ice cream bites at Daddy's place and sang Happy birthday to you. I finished off the night with an episode of Dollhouse. My friend Ashley is helping me to finish the series. I never thought I would watch it all because we never made it to the end. I will let you know the ending. ;)

Happy Birthday Daddy! Thank you for always celebrating ours with a bang, I hope you approve of what we did for yours.

Love,
Jenny

To watch the video you may have to go to it on Youtube. It seems to be having trouble playing on the blog. Just click the little youtube button in the bottom right corner.

Mountains In The Distance

Tonight as I drove home I saw a beautiful sight. It was a golden sunset with vivid purple mountains below it. As I looked at those mountains they got me thinking. Eternity is like those mountains. During the day, I almost never notice them. They are visible in the distance, but not very clearly. They definitely don't draw much attention. But when the end of the day draws near, and the sun sets behind them they become beautifully clear. They have such detail and I would look at them for hours if I could, although the sun sets quickly and I only glimpse them for a short moment.

Now that I have painted that picture for you, allow me to explain how they are like Eternity. Eternity is always there, if we focus on it we will see it brightly in our future. But most of the time our everyday lives get in the way and we just don't notice. However, as we enter the sunset of our lives, it becomes our focus.

Now I want to paint a new picture for you. Michael proposed to me on top of R mountain, it is a Butte that overlooks this same mountain range. At the time there was a thunderstorm raging in the distance. I could see the lightning flash behind those mountains and focused on the storm as Michael fumbled clumsily behind me trying to get the ring out of its plastic and into the box to propose. Now when I think back to that storm, I realize that it is very much like grief. It was turbulent, powerful, and dark. However, it helped me to see those mountains just as well as the beautiful sunset, at times maybe even more clearly. Grief brings eternity into focus in a way that nothing else can. I am often grateful for the way that this experience has changed my life. The ways it has forced me to focus on what is truly important.

This beautiful photo shows both the mountain range as I saw it tonight and R Mountain on the left of the Temple. To see it larger please visit Flicker.  

Decision making

As you have probably noticed I haven't been blogging much lately. One of my goals for this winter has been to get my life in order. That includes organizing our home (I am nearly through with the first floor and will soon move into the basement where my real work will begin). I also want to organize all of our family photos with stories. So instead of blogging here I started a private blog and have slowly tried to keep up with what we are currently doing while working backwards through our photos. It is a long and time consuming process. I was considering letting this blog go because I haven't felt like there was time to keep it up while working on the other projects too. But I looked today and it seems like there are still a lot of people looking at my blog. I was wondering who you were and if you wanted me to continue blogging here, even if they are only short posts. I am not sure if this blog has been helpful to others. Maybe it is just family and friends looking here, in which case I can just keep them up to date on facebook. Maybe its just people who randomly found my blog, look at it once, and never come back. But if there are people who actually care to have me continue, just let me know and I will try. If this blog is helping others it is worth the effort. If not, I will continue to work on my goals and maybe come back to this blog in the summer when I have gotten through more of our past stories.
Thanks,
Jenny

Family Newsletter 2011

Happy Holidays. This year we did our newsletter through email. But I managed to get a screen shot of it and will add the newsletter below. We hope this Holiday Season brought all of you joy and wonderful memories.

Dear Friends and Family,

What an amazing year 2011 has been. I honestly feel like the whole year has been on fast forward. We have had so many wonderful experiences. In the beginning of the year we were blessed to have my nephew Alan live with us. It was wonderful to hang out with him. He has always been so much fun to be around and it was great to see the amazing person he is becoming. He is currently serving an LDS mission in Italy and I couldn’t be more proud.

I have been able to attend 2 LDS widows conferences in Bountiful, UT this year. The people I have met there have had a vast impact on how I perceive the world that I have found myself living in. I enjoyed some very choice experiences there and am very grateful for the wonderful people that put their heart and souls into making such a supportive group.

One of the things I have discovered this year is that I LOVE reorganizing and redoing the rooms in our home.  At first I felt like I couldn’t move or touch anything because I couldn’t face the idea of change, but now I find myself loving every picture I put up, and whenever I become more organized our home runs more smoothly and I end up a happier mommy. It has been very therapeutic for me every time I have made something my own.

This summer was filled with family and fun. In May we were able to take a trip with my parents to visit lots of family and friends.  (Uncle Bob, Grandma and Grandpa Hamilton, Grannie Annie,  Missy, Grandma and Grandpa M, and the Carlson’s.) We were also able to visit the place where Michael passed away for the first time. It is beautiful there and I felt such peace. I am sure that he is happy and content with how Heavenly Father planned this, and that brings me peace too.  The whole trip was filled to the brim with amazing people and places and I am so grateful that my parents helped us to go so we could visit everyone.

When we came home we were able to celebrate Michael’s birthday by having his new monument stone delivered. It turned out perfectly and I am very happy to have something at “daddy’s place” for the children to look for and recognize. Little E loves visiting and often gives his picture a kiss. She is such a sweet and tender girl.

We had a lot of work and fun in our yard this year. We had a beautiful garden that gave us more than we could use. Little E was just talking about how she wants to grow tomatoes again next summer. She was a great little helper in the garden, and Little M was pretty patient with me while I had him sit in the stroller as I weeded.

We were lucky enough to get a new sprinkler system installed this year! I am so happy to not have to pull hoses anymore while watching my lawn die a slow yellow death. Yay!

At the end of the summer we were able to attend the K family reunion. It was such a blast! I loved getting to spend time with some of the family that I hadn’t really ever known before. The talent show was pretty amazing too. But my favorite part was jamming on the guitar with my nephew Dainon. I am definitely going to have to learn more songs so we can play together next time we see each other.

The highlight of the summer for me was doing my first ever Sprint Triathlon. I did the Rush with my sister in law Jen. It was a very difficult course, but I was able to finish without ever having to stop and walk. It was so amazing to work for something for months and be able to reach my goal. I think I may be hooked. Next year I think I will invest in a road bike though. That hill was a beast on a mountain bike!

Fall and winter have gone by very quickly. Three of my siblings moved closer to home and we have had a wonderful time getting to play with all of them. We had a great Halloween where we dressed up as a family. Little E was a kitty, Little M was a doggy, and I was an animal control officer. I thought it was fitting. :)
Thanksgiving was spent at my brothers new home. It was a lot of fun to go somewhere new this year. Christmas this year looks like it will be filled to the very brim with family fun! I can’t wait to see Little E and Little M’s faces on Christmas morning. It is so great to have kids during the holidays. They make it so magical.

Updates on The Kids.

Little E has had many growing experiences this year. On valentines day I asked her what she wanted to do and she asked to go to a farm and milk a cow. So that’s what we did. It was her first experience with live cows and chickens and she had a great time. She still talks about going to the farm to see the animals. She also had her first ever hair cut this March and still tells people that she just got a hair cut. Its pretty funny how certain things excite her and stay with her.

In April she had a run in with a corner and enjoyed her first ER visit where they glued her forehead back together. She was a champ and stayed very still for the doctor.

In May she turned 3 years old and we had a big birthday party that was Dinosaur Train themed. Her Great Grandma Phyllis had just passed away, and we had all of our family home for the funeral which made for a fun cousin filled party. We got to ride on a mini train and everyone loved it, especially Little E!

She has really matured this year. She is fully potty trained, learned how to ride a running bike, and started preschool. She loves going to school and often writes letters for me. She knows a lot of them and even knows how to sign them. She is working on writing her own name right now. Her favorite toys right now are eggs, even the rocks she finds outside become a part of her vast egg collection. She has become my little helper and I don’t know what I would do without her.

Little M has changed so much this year! He went from not even being able to sit up on his own to running around the living room. He got to have his first ER visit this year too when he swallowed a bead decoration from my cell phone. We just x-rayed him to make sure everything was fine while he flirted with the nurses.

He has learned several signs including doggy, milk, all done, more, drink, eat, book, and fishy. He is very good at communicating what he needs and is a self entertainer. One of his favorite pastimes is sitting in his sisters closet and looking through all of her books. He also loves to stand at the top of the stairs and shake the gate like king kong. He has grown so big during this year that he can see over the top of the table and has just learned how to open my closet doors. As my mom often says “In’t he HUGE!”  He had a really fun experience this summer where he got to sit in a Ferrari, and he is definitely all boy. He was grinning from ear to ear and grabbing onto the steering wheel or any other part of the car he could reach.

He turned a year in September and we had a ball themed party for him. He thought the cake was awesome and had a great time playing with his cousins and all of the fun toys they got him. He absolutely loves his family. He enjoys pestering his younger cousin and can’t get enough of Papa (my Dad). He will throw a fit if Papa walks in the room and doesn’t pay enough attention to him. My dad has affectionately nicknamed him “Toad” and he loves it. He also adores his sister who can keep him happy and entertained when everything I try has failed. They are such wonderful companions to each other and I am so grateful for both of them.

We hope that you are all having an amazing Holiday Season and look forward to another great year with all of you in our lives.

Merry Christmas!
Jenny, Little E, and Little M

Little M walking, And he's off!

November 1st Little M learned how to walk for more than just 2 to 4 steps at a time! He just decided it was going to be fun to walk all the way across our living room and did it. He spent all evening walking back and forth from one couch to the other. Since then walking has been something that he constantly practices and before long I am pretty sure I won't be able to keep up with him. What a fun stage this has been, especially with big sister cheering him on. She is constantly updating me on his progress. "Mom! He's walking! Now he's not. Now he's walking again!" She can't wait for him to be able to play duck duck goose and tag with her. They sure do love each other.

Holding our son

Dear Michael,

Today I was holding our son while feeding him his bottle before nap time and thinking to myself about how much he has grown and all the ways he has changed in the past month. I have been really struggling with how large he has gotten because it has physically started hurting me to carry him and take care of his needs. I try to do things in a smart way (use a baby carrier when I can, feed him his bottle in a different position every night so I don't throw out my back etc). I can remember this phase with Little E and having to get a wrist brace because my arm couldn't take the strain of helping her walk. This makes me sound really weak, but frankly, your kids are huge! lol I wonder where they got that from?

Anyways, I was feeling kind of sad because he is weaning himself right now and I am down to nursing him 1 time a day. I just don't want to let go of this time with him. I have no guarantee that I will ever get to do this again. I know people always say "You are young, you will get remarried and have more children." But I have learned that there are no real promises of what our future holds save one. Death. That sounds morbid but it also means we will someday see all our loved ones again and be reunited with our savior. Doesn't sound that bad to me actually. Anyways, I was feeling bad for myself and then I had a thought. You never got to hold him. Not even once. How much would you have given to hold our baby boy in your arms? How much would you give to help catch him as he learns to toddle across our living room floor? I need to stop focusing on what I don't have promised to me in the future and instead enjoy the wonders of what I get to experience today, right now! My life is so beautiful and I need to take it all in for you as well as for me.  I need to have a grateful heart so that it will be more open for the wonders that our Heavenly Father has in store for my future. I am working on it honey, and I gave him an extra special hug today and held him a little tighter just for you.

Love,
Jenny

Temple Visitors Center FHE

Dear Michael,
For Family Home Evening tonight we went and looked at the amazing sculpture display at the Temple visitors center. The first thing Little E said as we walked in was "Look mommy! Its Jesus!" And then with her little hands over her mouth in awe she kept saying "I've never seen that before." She loved it when the missionary made "Jesus talk" by playing the recording of special scriptures inviting us to come unto Christ. On our way home she told me that Jesus wants her to be good and nice. She even gave him a kiss goodbye. Love that girl. What a sweet and special night. I have really been struggling to do FHE lately because it seems like they are so young that nothing comes of it. Tonight definitely proved me wrong! Not only did she seem to love the experience, it almost brought tears to my eyes to see her so happy to be near this beautiful statue of our savior. I felt better than I have in a long time after tonight and am going to have to make a special effort to keep doing FHE for our little family. More for me than anything else.
Love,
Jenny

First Time Reading the Bedtime Story.

Dear Michael,

Do you remember our Big and Little book that we got at story time? Little E decided that tonight she was going to read a bedtime story to me. She read the whole thing and was so proud of herself at the end. I know it wasn't really reading, she just new the words by heart and could tell what to say by the pictures, but it was really fun to see her enjoying a book all on her own. I think she is going to be an avid reader someday just like her Mom and Dad.

Just in case I lose the book someday, I thought I would record it here so she would know what her first ever bedtime story was.

By Samantha Berger and Pamela Chanko
Big dog and little dog.
Big elephant and little elephant.
Big bear and little bear.
Big hand and little hand.
Big bike and little bike.
Big chair and little chair.
Big leaf and little leaf.
Big boat and little boat.
Big house and little house.
Big tree and little tree.
Big sandcastle and little sandcastle.
Both the same size! (with a picture of twin brothers)

She was really cute when she started out because she said the words for the last page then shook her head and said, "Sorry sorry sorry, that was the wrong words! That was silly!" It was pretty funny.

Love,
Jenny

Daddy Sleep Talks

Dear Michael,

Right around our anniversary I was laying with Little E in our bed and we were playing some of our usual games. Then Little E looked at me and said "You are on your side of the bed and I am on Daddy's side of the bed." I told her that was right and asked if she remembered you sleeping there. She said, "Yes, Daddy sleep talks." I asked her what you said and she replied "If you kiss me I'll wake up!" It made me so happy to know that she still has true memories of you. I know that the likelihood of her really remembering you into adulthood is very small, but for now she still remembers. She was talking about our game we played where we would pretend to be asleep and she would "kiss us awake" like sleeping beauty. She loved sneaking into our room with me to wake you up first thing in the morning and you always feigned such intense surprise with a great big smile on your face and said "You woke me up!" or "Good morning!" or something else and then you would grab her and kiss her sweet little face. Sometimes you had to remind her to kiss you and you would do it with your eyes still closed while you pretended to be asleep. That was exactly what she was remembering. It is moments like this that remind me how lucky we are to have such sweet and wonderful memories of you. You were and are one of the most amazing men I have ever known. The way you adored our daughter still touches my heart in a way I cannot express deeply enough. We still love you Daddy. I only wish we could kiss you awake one more time...

I want to include here one of the stories you were so fond of telling about our little girl. It was one you loved to pull out during a party or something to get a few good laughs. You were jumping on the trampoline with Little E and then you decided to lie down in the middle of the tramp and our little 14-16 month old crawled over to you and tried to wake you up even though you weren't even pretending to be asleep. She had a cold at the time and you ended up with an extremely wet and juicy kiss. The way you laughed during this story still brings a great big smile to my face.

Love,
Jenny



I love this video. This is about the right age for the story I shared above. She is 16 months in the video and loving the attention Daddy lavished on her that night. This was a very common nightly routine at our house. They loved egging each other on. :)
It amazes me how much of Little E I see in Little M now. A lot of the movements and noises in this movie look just like him!

6th Wedding Anniversary.

Dear Michael,

Wow, I can't beleive that it has been an entire year since I wrote this post. I was so emotional that day that I couldn't even write what I had done for our anniversary. I decided I would just record it later and I never did. This year went so much better! I can't beleive the difference that a year can make. Today in church someone talked about how when you climb a mountain you should look back at where you have already been and realize how far you have come instead of focusing on how much you have left to climb. I feel that this is something I really need to work on. I have been struggling lately on feeling overwhelmed by how little I know about my future and how much time I have left before I get to see you again. It would help me a lot if I could just focus on how much better our little family is doing and how much we have grown in the last year.

For our 5th anniversary I went to the temple and spent a good portion of the trip in tears. At one point I had a full breakdown and a sweet temple worker talked to me and helped to calm me down. It didn't help that I was only a few weeks out from having a new baby. I remember realizing that our anniversary would be that close to when Little M was due and telling you what a bad anniversary it would be, I had no idea then how bad it could really be. After going to the temple my sister took me to get a pedicure and when the girl asked some questions I just pretended that you were still alive and wished that I could make myself beleive it too. Afterward I was able to go visit you by myself which was a very rare thing back then. So while it was probably a very healing day in some ways, it was also one of the very hardest days of that entire first year.

This year was very similar in what I did, but the emotions were so different! I went to the temple with Little E and Little M and my Mom and Dad helped us to take some wonderful family pictures. Little E absolutely loves her new "princess dress" and begs to wear it whenever she sees it in the closet. They weren't all that cooperative, but we ended up with some beautiful pictures. Little E loved to twirl in front of the temple and got to see a bride in her wedding dress and was even able to smell her flowers. She had asked me on the way down if she could do that and was so happy when it actually happened. :) She loves the idea of getting married in the temple someday.

My Mom took the kids home and then Dad and I were able to do some temple work, we even got to do some work for my dads great aunt Ethel. It was really nice to have him there and this time I only felt peace while I was inside the temple. I didn't cry at all.

After the temple the kids and I went and picked out a yellow silk flower for you and took it out to Daddy's place. Little E helped me pull some clover that was growing around your marker and told you all about preschool while Little M crawled around saying "dadadadada". I thought that was interesting because he really doesn't say that sound very much. Most of the time he just talks gibberish or says one of his real words (mama, dog, this, hi). He even took a couple of steps towards your stone without any help.

That night my sisters and I had a pizza and movie party. We watched Xmen 1st class. It was a lot of fun to hang out with them and laugh at the movie together. My dad even started watching it after a while. I am still not sure if he liked it, but it was funny to have him join in the girl fun. When I say girl fun, I mean it too. We had popcorn, chocolate, dr. Pepper, and fingernail polish. What more could we need?

After that I stumbled into bed a little after midnight and was happy with the way the day had gone. Laughter and service  goes much better together than tears and service. I am grateful for how far I have come up this mountain that I get to climb and I am still so grateful for the choice I made 6 years ago in marrying you. No matter what hardships I may have to face and the pain this last year brought without you by my side, I will forever be grateful for the chance I have to be your wife.

Love,
Jenny

They both loved these roses. Little M spent a  lot of time pointing at them and saying "is! is!" which is his version of "this". He thought they were so neat!

Twirling in her princess dress.

She loves to curtsy and say "Your Majesty!" like on Alice in wonderland.

Peek a Boo!

He did not want to stay on my lap! :)

 These next three shots crack me up! Little M was making my mom work really hard to carry him back to the car. So she just threw him over her shoulder and he kept sitting up, laughing at her, and throwing himself back over her shoulder. :) I love that we got a picture of this because he loves her so much and it totally shoes in these pictures. Whenever she comes over he throws himself into her arms.