Dear Michael,
I am working on all kinds of projects right now. One of them is going through the whole house and reorganizing, cleaning, and making it my own. This is a very hard process. I don't like moving things that were yours, even the little pieces of garbage. But the time has come for our house to become a home again. Not just a museum for you. I am taking the process slowly. I started with the kids rooms becuase there is almost nothing of yours in there. They are done now and I have moved on to the closets on the main floor. I am not getting rid of anything. I am not really ready for that step yet. But I am boxing things up. Moving them. Making this "our house" as in me and our kids instead of "his house" as in you. I think it is healthy. But I really really hate it...
The other project is changing things online. I changed the look of our blog and will probably do more of that in time. That was hard to do too. You were the one who made the blog in the first place. You added the music, picked out the pictures and blogs on the sidebar. All of it. It was meant for your family to be able to see what we are up to since they live so far away. It is hard to change anything you created, but it needs updating. The picture on the side is from when we were pregnant with Little E 2 years ago. Little M needs to be acknowledged too. lol
I also finally changed our netflix queue. I copied all of our history and queue first. I wanted a record of all the movies you loved and all we watched together. It is amazing how even things we watched in 08 feel like yesterday to me. I can remember the smell of popcorn, holding your hand, snuggling under a blanket. I remember comments you made, and the laughter we shared. It is wonderful that I can remember. But once again, I need to make things mine now instead of ours. It stung like pulling off a band aid. I had to hold my breath to delete that first movie from our queue that you had wanted to see and I really didn't care about. But it does feel good to have finally done it. Funny how I put off little things that I dread and they just get more and more difficult over time... But its all a process, and we are going through it.
I know this is a boring post. But it was for me. I need to keep a record of my progress, even just the little battles with myself that I finally win. It helps me to look back and see that I really am moving forward. Even if its just baby steps.
Love,
Jenny
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
Flying
Dear Michael,
Little E learned how to climb into Little M's crib today. She calls it flying. You would be so impressed with her mountainering skills that she uses to get in there. Of course I have to help her out. She is skilled but not crazy and won't risk the fall to get back down. lol
Today we made her a cardboard house. I used your pocket knife and we talked about how you made her houses all the time. She insisted the door hole have a ghost in it for the the handle and the door bell. She is all about ghosts since Halloween. They are all nice ghosts and she is friends with them and pretends to feed them treats and put them to bed. I also made her a couple of peep holes to look through, but instead of looking through them she kept putting the piece of cardboard back into the hole and pushing on them to make them shoot out. She got pretty good distance on them too. I thought you would get a kick out of her turning part of her play house into a weapon. lol
We also made paper boats the other day. I didn't know how to do them but after she watched a Kipper episode where he floated some down a stream she insisted on having one. So I looked up how to do them and then she ran around the house saying, "Mine will go forever and ever and ever!" which is what Kipper says. We later floated them in the tub. I think she would have been more impressed with them floating down the ditch but that will have to wait until summer. In the mean time it was a fun little activity and kept her happy. She enjoyed coloring it too. She insisted on having a snake and tiger on her boat. She is definitely not the typical girl! lol
Another thing she likes doing lately is pulling her eyes down to see the red. It looks really freaky but she thinks its so cool. I got a picture of it today and will post it later, but I can't find the camera cord today so it will have to wait. Seriously though, it looks so weird when she does it!
Just wanted to give you a little update on what she has been up to.
Love,
Jenny
Little E learned how to climb into Little M's crib today. She calls it flying. You would be so impressed with her mountainering skills that she uses to get in there. Of course I have to help her out. She is skilled but not crazy and won't risk the fall to get back down. lol
Today we made her a cardboard house. I used your pocket knife and we talked about how you made her houses all the time. She insisted the door hole have a ghost in it for the the handle and the door bell. She is all about ghosts since Halloween. They are all nice ghosts and she is friends with them and pretends to feed them treats and put them to bed. I also made her a couple of peep holes to look through, but instead of looking through them she kept putting the piece of cardboard back into the hole and pushing on them to make them shoot out. She got pretty good distance on them too. I thought you would get a kick out of her turning part of her play house into a weapon. lol
We also made paper boats the other day. I didn't know how to do them but after she watched a Kipper episode where he floated some down a stream she insisted on having one. So I looked up how to do them and then she ran around the house saying, "Mine will go forever and ever and ever!" which is what Kipper says. We later floated them in the tub. I think she would have been more impressed with them floating down the ditch but that will have to wait until summer. In the mean time it was a fun little activity and kept her happy. She enjoyed coloring it too. She insisted on having a snake and tiger on her boat. She is definitely not the typical girl! lol
Another thing she likes doing lately is pulling her eyes down to see the red. It looks really freaky but she thinks its so cool. I got a picture of it today and will post it later, but I can't find the camera cord today so it will have to wait. Seriously though, it looks so weird when she does it!
Just wanted to give you a little update on what she has been up to.
Love,
Jenny
Dinner with my Man.
Dear Michael,
Its so amazing to me how when I just can't take it anymore, I get to dream about you. I will go for weeks at a time without remembering anything I dreamed about, and then I get a blissful night full of you! :) It really is such a sweet blessing. Last night was a hard one. I missed you terribly. I ended up sneaking into Little E's room to hold her while she slept and just cried silently while I kissed her. I needed someone to hold... but it seems like as soon as I went to sleep you were there. It can be kind of confusing though. At points during my dream I knew it was a dream and even talked to you about how badly I wished it was real and that you would be there when I woke up. But eventually it seemed real enough that I was sure you were really back for good. I even felt guilty for giving away the new shirts I had bought you for work because now you were going to need them.You never got to wear most of them...
The details are already blurry, but I remember you had been camping or something and you were finally back. You were talking about scouts, I think you were still doing your old calling where you went camping with them and had an activity every week or something. But all that really matters is that you had come home. We spent some time just talking with each other, and then we had dinner with some friends. Dana, Brodi, and our neighbors Chelsea, and Bryce all came over and we had a nice dinner where we joked and talked and you told stories about your boy scout days and other fun adventures. I can't remember all of them. But I do remember the happy calm atmosphere I got to share with you all night. Our house was full of laughter, warm food, and good smells. It was bliss. I was totally disoriented when I woke up and realized you really weren't back. But that's ok. At least I got to share your wonderful company for a night.
I've had a few other nights like that but I only remember one other in enough detail to write about it here. I was spending the night at my mom's in the "Blue room". I remember being really lonely that night. I snuggled up to the pillow next to me and pretended it was you. After I fell asleep you were there in bed next to me. You just lay there next to me and we talked all night. I got to stroke your arms, your face, kiss you, and rest my head on your chest. It was so lovely. I knew the whole time that you had died, and that I only got you while I slept. But the funny thing about that dream was that it was so normal. In my head you were there every night. Somehow you got to come home and sleep by me even though you were gone during the day. So I wasn't stressed that you were going to leave me when I woke up because that was normal. It was so pleasant and I loved every minute I got to spend with you. Dreams are such a wonderful gift. I look forward to my next one. Thank you for those I have already been given.
I love you, Thanks for the dinner date!
Jenny
This is one of my Dad's favorite songs and I grew up singing it around the house. It always comes to mind after a night like last night. :) I really am tempted to dream my life away sometimes, but children grow so quickly and I would miss too much if I did.
Its so amazing to me how when I just can't take it anymore, I get to dream about you. I will go for weeks at a time without remembering anything I dreamed about, and then I get a blissful night full of you! :) It really is such a sweet blessing. Last night was a hard one. I missed you terribly. I ended up sneaking into Little E's room to hold her while she slept and just cried silently while I kissed her. I needed someone to hold... but it seems like as soon as I went to sleep you were there. It can be kind of confusing though. At points during my dream I knew it was a dream and even talked to you about how badly I wished it was real and that you would be there when I woke up. But eventually it seemed real enough that I was sure you were really back for good. I even felt guilty for giving away the new shirts I had bought you for work because now you were going to need them.You never got to wear most of them...
The details are already blurry, but I remember you had been camping or something and you were finally back. You were talking about scouts, I think you were still doing your old calling where you went camping with them and had an activity every week or something. But all that really matters is that you had come home. We spent some time just talking with each other, and then we had dinner with some friends. Dana, Brodi, and our neighbors Chelsea, and Bryce all came over and we had a nice dinner where we joked and talked and you told stories about your boy scout days and other fun adventures. I can't remember all of them. But I do remember the happy calm atmosphere I got to share with you all night. Our house was full of laughter, warm food, and good smells. It was bliss. I was totally disoriented when I woke up and realized you really weren't back. But that's ok. At least I got to share your wonderful company for a night.
 |
| Michael out to dinner. I think it was after priesthood session of conference with his brother in laws. Notice his funky old tie. He was always trying to get cool old ties to wear for school. He titled it "Me and the squid." Yuck! lol |
I've had a few other nights like that but I only remember one other in enough detail to write about it here. I was spending the night at my mom's in the "Blue room". I remember being really lonely that night. I snuggled up to the pillow next to me and pretended it was you. After I fell asleep you were there in bed next to me. You just lay there next to me and we talked all night. I got to stroke your arms, your face, kiss you, and rest my head on your chest. It was so lovely. I knew the whole time that you had died, and that I only got you while I slept. But the funny thing about that dream was that it was so normal. In my head you were there every night. Somehow you got to come home and sleep by me even though you were gone during the day. So I wasn't stressed that you were going to leave me when I woke up because that was normal. It was so pleasant and I loved every minute I got to spend with you. Dreams are such a wonderful gift. I look forward to my next one. Thank you for those I have already been given.
I love you, Thanks for the dinner date!
Jenny
This is one of my Dad's favorite songs and I grew up singing it around the house. It always comes to mind after a night like last night. :) I really am tempted to dream my life away sometimes, but children grow so quickly and I would miss too much if I did.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
The Little Things
Dear Michael,
Its funny the stupid little things that bother me now. Like changing the name on our netflix account to mine instead of yours, using up the last of the toothpaste, shampoo, or whatever it was that we shared together, moving things that you put down, and throwing away anything that was yours, even just a scrap of paper you wrote a random note on... I wish so badly i didn't have to do any of this. I wish I could have a phone call, or heck even just a post card! I miss you! Its getting a little better most of the time, but sometimes its more than I can take...
Tonight I went through your "treasure box". It was hard. At times I smiled to see things that you loved, like your old shark necklace you wore in collage. It broke and you put it in a fabric bag to keep it safe. I also found the box you used to hold my ring when you proposed to me. That lifted a big worry off my mind. I didn't know where it had gone and was starting to get nervous that it had been lost in one of our moves... But most of the time I just wished I could hear you tell me the stories behind everything in there. I know some of them, but I will never know the rest of them. I hate that! I hate that I never get another random thought or story told to me by your beautiful voice. I wish you could call... I really really do....
Its funny the stupid little things that bother me now. Like changing the name on our netflix account to mine instead of yours, using up the last of the toothpaste, shampoo, or whatever it was that we shared together, moving things that you put down, and throwing away anything that was yours, even just a scrap of paper you wrote a random note on... I wish so badly i didn't have to do any of this. I wish I could have a phone call, or heck even just a post card! I miss you! Its getting a little better most of the time, but sometimes its more than I can take...
Tonight I went through your "treasure box". It was hard. At times I smiled to see things that you loved, like your old shark necklace you wore in collage. It broke and you put it in a fabric bag to keep it safe. I also found the box you used to hold my ring when you proposed to me. That lifted a big worry off my mind. I didn't know where it had gone and was starting to get nervous that it had been lost in one of our moves... But most of the time I just wished I could hear you tell me the stories behind everything in there. I know some of them, but I will never know the rest of them. I hate that! I hate that I never get another random thought or story told to me by your beautiful voice. I wish you could call... I really really do....
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Learning to take time for me.
I know I am a little behind on my updates here. I haven't gotten through Christmas yet, and there are several other things I have wanted to tell you about, but there just never seems to be enough time... I am learning each day how being a single parent is hard. I am lucky enough to have all the help I could ask for, if I am just willing to ask for it. But even asking is hard. I feel like I should be able to do things without running to my parents or neighbors for help. It is slowly getting easier, but part of that is just me learning to let go of my pride and ask when I really do need someone to step in.
I could never imagine choosing this life. But since I don't really get a choice I am learning to work with it. One thing that I am figuring out is how much you really did for me! Not just work, although my workload has definitely increased since you passed away, but also play. I feel like I am constantly trying to make up for the fact that I am not two people. I have to get the house clean, spend quality fun time with both our kids, update the blog (for journaling purposes more than anything. I realize now how much journals matter), take care of the pets, maybe work on one of my many leftover projects (I still haven't finished the bathrooms last touches), and if I am lucky rest for a couple of minutes before I collapse into bed at 11:00-11:30. I know I don't have to get everything done at once, but it all feels so important. I am realizing that I really miss you saying "Honey, lets go watch an episode of Chuck." or Bones or whatever show we were currently obsessed with. You were always so good to help me just slow down for a little while each night to enjoy each others company. Its so hard to make myself do that on my own. It is something I am definitely going to have to work at because otherwise I will just run myself into the ground...
So today I decided to practice enjoying myself. I went up and visited a friend who is moving away, went to girls night in with my neighbors and had some delicious homemade Chinese food, and am getting ready to finally watch Avatar with my friend Nathan. That movie arrived the day you left and I was waiting for you to come home to watch it. I decided it is finally time to admit you aren't going to come back to watch it with me... So all in all its been a very fun filled day and I do feel a bit more alive, although still tired. Maybe I am overdoing the play a bit because I have put it off for so long. ;)
I have also started taking an Institute class on Isaiah this week. It will be something for me to do without kids every week and I think the spiritual boost will really help my outlook as well. I really enjoyed our first class which included the plan of salvation. I am so grateful to know that we really will see each other again and that you are looking out for us everyday and love us more now than ever. I miss you, but I am learning to love you from a distance. That too will take practice, but I guess I have nothing but time...
love,
your admirer from the other side of the veil.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Rolling over!!
Dear Michael,
What a fun day we have had! It has been full of firsts. We helped your cousin Britteny move into collage for the first time today. :) She is going to be so fun to have around and we are so excited to spend more time with her and get to know her better.
The other big first that happened today was Little M rolling over! I thought, "hmm I should really give him more tummy time" this morning and put him on his stomach right as the phone rang. I ran to get the phone and came back out and he was on his back! I was taken aback and wondered if I had actually put him on his tummy or if I was remembering wrong. I put him on his front again and he flipped right back over onto his back! So I ran and got the camera and tried one more time... 3 minutes passed with him just staring at me like "what? Do you expect me to do that again just because you got the camera?" and then he finally gave me what I wanted! Little E was running around yelling "Good job!" at the top of her lungs and getting right up in his face to congratulate him. It is really so fun to have her around to help celebrate the firsts with me. I wish I knew if you were here too, but I am guessing you were. It only seems fair that if you are aloud to visit us whenever you have the desire (like my blessing said) that you would want to be here for all of this little boys firsts. I am guessing you were jumping up and down like the rest of us.
I looked it up and he is right on par with Little E for this first. She did it around August 24, 2008. I don't think that is the exact date, but it is pretty close. That made her just a few day's older than three months. Little M is now three months and a week and a half old. So just a little behind her. But I really haven't given him any tummy time to speak of in the past couple weeks. Lol. You can't do something if you never have a chance to try. :)
Here is a little video of some of the things he has been up to in the last few weeks. He has rolled over, learned to hold toys, really gotten into splashing in the tub, and learned that being up high is funny! I have even gotten a little braver and let him get the tiniest bit of air now. He laughs so hard when I do it, but I am nowhere near as strong as you were and will have to build up some major muscles to entertain him properly in the future. I can only bounce him a couple of times and then I have to take a break. lol
I love you so much and am so grateful you gave me this sweet little boy to bring me so much joy everyday. He is growing so fast and amazes me constantly. :)
Love,
Jenny
What a fun day we have had! It has been full of firsts. We helped your cousin Britteny move into collage for the first time today. :) She is going to be so fun to have around and we are so excited to spend more time with her and get to know her better.
The other big first that happened today was Little M rolling over! I thought, "hmm I should really give him more tummy time" this morning and put him on his stomach right as the phone rang. I ran to get the phone and came back out and he was on his back! I was taken aback and wondered if I had actually put him on his tummy or if I was remembering wrong. I put him on his front again and he flipped right back over onto his back! So I ran and got the camera and tried one more time... 3 minutes passed with him just staring at me like "what? Do you expect me to do that again just because you got the camera?" and then he finally gave me what I wanted! Little E was running around yelling "Good job!" at the top of her lungs and getting right up in his face to congratulate him. It is really so fun to have her around to help celebrate the firsts with me. I wish I knew if you were here too, but I am guessing you were. It only seems fair that if you are aloud to visit us whenever you have the desire (like my blessing said) that you would want to be here for all of this little boys firsts. I am guessing you were jumping up and down like the rest of us.
I looked it up and he is right on par with Little E for this first. She did it around August 24, 2008. I don't think that is the exact date, but it is pretty close. That made her just a few day's older than three months. Little M is now three months and a week and a half old. So just a little behind her. But I really haven't given him any tummy time to speak of in the past couple weeks. Lol. You can't do something if you never have a chance to try. :)
Here is a little video of some of the things he has been up to in the last few weeks. He has rolled over, learned to hold toys, really gotten into splashing in the tub, and learned that being up high is funny! I have even gotten a little braver and let him get the tiniest bit of air now. He laughs so hard when I do it, but I am nowhere near as strong as you were and will have to build up some major muscles to entertain him properly in the future. I can only bounce him a couple of times and then I have to take a break. lol
I love you so much and am so grateful you gave me this sweet little boy to bring me so much joy everyday. He is growing so fast and amazes me constantly. :)
Love,
Jenny
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Sweet Potato Pie!
Dear Michael,
I have really missed cooking for you. I don't really make food much anymore because it just isn't worth making food for just Little E and I. So most nights I end up over at my Mom's for dinner. It is so nice that she is willing to help me out in that way. It has really helped me over these past months. The nights that I do make something for us I usually use the stove top or microwave. It just feels like making something in the oven has been too much effort.
Anyways, today I had your Uncle John and his family over for lunch. They are down here dropping off Brittany for collage. I preheated the oven because they were picking up some frozen pizzas at the store and I wanted the oven to be ready when they got to our house. John walked in and said, "It smells good in here. Do you have something in the oven?" I told him no and went to put the pizza's in. But when I opened up the oven, low and behold there was something in there after all! It was a sweet potato pie my sister had made for Thanksgiving! Somehow we missed it and I haven't used the oven since then... Its just been sitting in there, lurking. I am amazed that it wasn't just totally disgusting. But it just looked like sweet potato pie, almost good enough to eat. Except I am pretty sure it would have killed me if I tried it. lol
Anyways, just thought you would get a kick out of that story! I love you and wish you were here for me to pamper you with delicious homemade foods like sweet potato pie.... ;)
Love,
Jenny
I have really missed cooking for you. I don't really make food much anymore because it just isn't worth making food for just Little E and I. So most nights I end up over at my Mom's for dinner. It is so nice that she is willing to help me out in that way. It has really helped me over these past months. The nights that I do make something for us I usually use the stove top or microwave. It just feels like making something in the oven has been too much effort.
Anyways, today I had your Uncle John and his family over for lunch. They are down here dropping off Brittany for collage. I preheated the oven because they were picking up some frozen pizzas at the store and I wanted the oven to be ready when they got to our house. John walked in and said, "It smells good in here. Do you have something in the oven?" I told him no and went to put the pizza's in. But when I opened up the oven, low and behold there was something in there after all! It was a sweet potato pie my sister had made for Thanksgiving! Somehow we missed it and I haven't used the oven since then... Its just been sitting in there, lurking. I am amazed that it wasn't just totally disgusting. But it just looked like sweet potato pie, almost good enough to eat. Except I am pretty sure it would have killed me if I tried it. lol
 |
| Not the actual pie I pulled out of the oven. But it looked similar. |
Anyways, just thought you would get a kick out of that story! I love you and wish you were here for me to pamper you with delicious homemade foods like sweet potato pie.... ;)
Love,
Jenny
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)